Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Thanks @IceCreamSummer20

Well, he did respond to me but it was one of those messages that makes me roll my eyes a little - minimal detail and didn’t ask me anything in return. I’ve soldiered on and written back but I predict that I will be ghosted/ blocked soon!

I was messaging another guy a few weeks ago who then stopped responding, but he got back in touch today to apologise for the slow response and said he’s been taking a break from OLD. He’s suggested a date / video chat - he lives a long way from me so perhaps a video chat would be best so I don’t end up wasting time driving miles for nothing.

That’s rubbish jamais - I have had that happen a few times too. It’s too easy to get away with bad manners on OLD rather than being honest with people. I try to tell myself it’s not me, it’s them!

Booboo thanks for sharing - it’s good to hear an inspirational story for once!

Well in the end the guy who "blocked me" messaged to ask why I wasn't messaging him!

I asked him to explain what happened and he said he had deleted the messages to make space...

Any way we ended up chatting on WhatsApp and it was nice and light and fun.. and no text speak!!! Going to do a video call tomorrow as even if the texting was way better than yesterday's guy, for my mental health I need to do the video date to NOT get too stressed about a real life one (baby steps!).

Today's date went well, coffee outside a nice cafe and then we went to a pub beer garden next door for a drink in the sun. He was nice, easy to talk to but I just didn't fancy him!

That's the second one of these now, but for me if there's no attraction there's nothing you can do.

He walked me to my car and messaged to say he had enjoyed meeting up and to let him know if I wanted to do it again. I've done the decent thing and said I had a nice time and he was good company (as he was) but for me we aren't a romantic match.

Agh, rest assured when I meet one I fancy, they won't fancy me 🙄

It was 3rd time lucky last year so hoping for the same this time!

Angel the guy I ended up seeing last year was nothing like I thought I would fancy, and even when I look at photos of him I don't think he's particularly good looking but there was something about him and the chemistry between us was incredible.

It's probably why I'm happy to meet up with peoples whose photos don't initially grab me if that makes sense.

@TossACoinToYerWitcher

To be fair, OP, I'm male and I can say my experience has largely been the same! My inbox is hardly overflowing but I was pleasantly surprised that my matches went into double digits. But from then on, same problems as you... but rather than it being them messaging someone 10-20 years younger than me, I think its more becoming aware I'm just one of many, many "irons" (as they say in the dating thread) in a rather large fire. Conversatios go great and then I get ghosted. Quite often, they'll come back a week or two later and I can't help but think "yeah, okay, so Option #1 either fell through or else turned out to be a nightmare, so I'm the fall back option". And then, if I reply, the same happens again. It's like trying to get a toddler's attention in a sweet shop. And, whilst I don't blame them, its very offputting. I think everyone wants to feel special to someone - not like a pair of shoes that's constantly being tried on, put back, then tried on again, put back, tried on, taken to the till, left on the till as another new pair's caught their eyes... rinse and repeat.

It’s funny as experience has also shown me the men I end up having chemistry with in real life are men I almost swipe left on or men who sent me messages/likes on Hinge and I’m like meh! In fact, my current favourite is someone I met for a date only because I thought he sounded interesting and there would be no chemistry. But wow! In real life it was

Yeah, this x100. I seriously thinking of giving up OLD because I'm realising the people I've dated and/or had mutual crushes on in real life are people I've often developed chemistry with that wouldn't have been apparent online. One had no mutual interests whatsoever, but for some reason it clicked. Plus I'm not a guy who has "instant impact" as it were: I'm not over 6ft. I'm not high-earning. I'm not a fireman or a barrister or any career with a certain prestige. I'm not especially good looking. I don't have the gift of the gab. In other words, I don't have anything that might nudge someone to instantly think "well I'll give it a go". What works for me is developing chemistry, over a period of time, in a non-pressurised atmosphere. It sounds awful, but I tend to "grow" on people - to use Bridget Jones Diary as an example, I'm more a Mark Darcy than a Daniel Cleaver and I think OLD really tends to favour the Cleavers of this world more.

Quite often, they'll come back a week or two later and I can't help but think "yeah, okay, so Option #1 either fell through or else turned out to be a nightmare, so I'm the fall back option". I hope that people don't think this of me, it's just that for me, I have periods of time when family commitments, work and just life mean that I just don't long on that regularly. Surely people don't always assume its because of a "better offer"?

I've been wondering about the frequency of messaging too and how it is perceived.

I'm pursuing several conversations at once and also occasionally want to log on to see that message but not necessarily to start chatting with someone.

I find it quite annoying that you are visible when you are online, but I guess it means the conversation flows more.

Last night I moved to whatsapp with one guy and it was easier. But now I am a little worried that he can see when I'm online on whatsapp and expect me to chat. I use it for other people and for work stuff so it doesn't necessarily mean I'm available to talk to him if I'm "online".

I like Bumble because you can't see when anyone is online. It kind of takes the pressure off.

Try Hinge. works quite well, the free version is almost as good as the paid-for, and there are loads of people on there. I'm 42 and have messaged with a lot of them, some of whom suggested a date then went totally silent (fine), some of them i went on a date with. So far no keepers but nothing terrible either. they're also all quite upfront in my experience, the ones who are just after a bed-mate tend to say so, and that's fine.

I'll read the messages here and return but have got some updates for you guys.

So - against my better judgement and because he seemed genuine I started messaging the American man from Instagram and it seems like he's a scammer - so have knocked that on the head a few days ago - was so convincing though apart from a few clues... he then asked me for euros and gift cards after getting me to chat on Hangouts! Have never been scammed and love bombed in this way so beware and have now double and triple checked my instagram etc security. Luckily I didn't share anything with him though he wanted sexy pics etc... he only got an old email address which I don't use.
what is interesting is apparently Facebook messenger sends you warnings or alerts if a scammer is trying to message you - instagram doesn't do this.

So the separated divorced man came back to me when I messaged him about a chair he had for sale - he's also on a local forum I go on. It turns out he's started dating again recently was very cagey about who, what, where etc. He asked me and some friends for drinks in a local bar with his male friends on Sunday - apparently regular thing. I really don't think he's my type though as too flirty and just not 'me' looks wise etc - I think fine for a fling but nothing else.

Anyway - what was interesting is I was out in the park, at a couple of restaurants/bars locally etc and I've had my eyebrows shaped and dyed properly and was wearing some more 'trendy' clothing and I got a few looks and a couple of guys actually asked me out! One guy not suitable and one I might go for. I feel much more secure not doing what I used to do which was online dating as I just get tired of that. I've done a bit of OLD in the past and it gets so tiring the back and forth stuff, are they ghosting you etc - I'd really rather meet someone in person rather than online. I will maybe do some OLD again but not now.

Anyway I've been a bit spooked by the Instagram scammer and I really don't want to go there again - have been doing some research on online re scammers and it's a bloody minefield out there...

have a good day almost the weekend!

Shame about your date Viva though at least he seemed a nice person.

The guy who messaged me of the blue has now blocked me after he suggested a date. I really don’t understand some people!

Chatted a little to the hot one but he seems a tad full of himself so not sure it’ll go anywhere. Think I need to get back to swiping. Sigh.

I'm getting the disappearing act too.

Had been messaging a guy on Hinge for a week, so asked if he fancied meeting up for a coffee or drink. No response for 2 days, now he's unmatched me 🙄

In theory it shouldn't be so hard to at least have conversations with each other and then if you appear on the same wavelength to meet. I don't understand why people act as they do.

So if I've tried Match, Bumble and Hinge, what's next?? Am I brave enough for Tinder 🤔

Viva I’m on OK Cupid but haven’t had a single date through it yet! There are some men on there who look like quite good catches but I never seem to match with them. The men seem to be quite passive so you might have to do the messaging as otherwise you might be waiting forever!

You’re supposed to answer a few questions and the app then tells you how well you’re matched with someone, based on their answers, which is quite good and allows you to weed certain people out.

Anyone can message anyone on there so you’d probably receive a lot of unsolicited messages!

Shame about the Hinge guy, Viva. I find this sort of behaviour bizarre too, but I wouldn’t waste any time pondering it. Their loss.

StarlightSparkle - most of my internet dating has been on OK Cupid recently and I've found that I'm either getting messages from guys 10 years younger - who are ok in principle but not sure if I'm that interested or guys who seem hard work - you message them or they message you but it's like getting blood out of a stone.

My last interaction on another site was via Tinder and was a total waste of my time. he turned out to be love bombing etc.

Viva - Tinder isn't so bad - it's nice if you like the swipe left right etc. I find some people on Tinder etc are really airbrushed, great selfies etc which isn't me and never will be me - so it's quite superficial I think.

Am off out for local birthday drinks and dinner for me in a local lively restaurant and bar, no idea what that will hold as my friends I'm going with though nice enough aren't the type to approach men - that was years ago!

TossACoinToYerWitcher - it's really interesting to get a man's perspective on all this - so many times we women think men are either players, have been burned by marriage etc and don't have as many feelings as women when in fact they do but it's just men don't speak freely about this (some do!) - it's easier for men to speak about football with their mates down the pub!

Also interesting to hear about chemistry in real life as opposed to on screen - so true sometimes. That's why internet dating is so false sometimes as you're a kid in a candy store looking at all the nice options and the ones not so nice you just pass over, whereas sometimes in real life if you end up speaking to someone who might be quiet etc e.g. at a bar, party etc then you might find hidden depths to them and more chemistry and stuff in common than being online.

@CleverCatty Happy birthday!

I am finding that a lot of men on POF don't make much of an effort. There are profiles with just one photo on them, profiles with men in cycling gear so you can't see what they look like. I get messages from men with no photos. When I ask them if they have any more photos they say they will send them to me on Whatsapp or Kik. I don't really want to give out my number in case it's an excuse for sexy chat.

I'm chatting to someone at the moment. He is well educated, good interesting job, well travelled and we have a hobby in common. He seems to have no interest in asking me any questions and hasn't even told me what his name is.

I haven't found paying sites much better for dates.

Sorry for the rant. I'm sure it's difficult for men too.

When I say profiles with just one photo on I mean the ones of them in shades where you can't really get an idea of what they look like.