Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

May I join in too? Just getting started (am not in the Uk) and have signed up for equivalent of Match.com

I am not at all sure what I'm doing, but have had 3 conversations.

One of them wanted to meet up but I want to speak to him or video chat first, so I gave him my number.

And then he sent me messages in text speak. I replied back politely but couldn't chat as I was busy and now he's gone silent

I am realising that I'm a snob and not sure whether to listen to that side of myself or give people a chance.

For example the text speak is already irritating me.

And I had a good chat with a guy who turns out to be a delivery driver. I'm in academia.

No idea if I should meet him for a coffee (he is very local) or just decide ahead of time that it's not going to work (please no judging me !).

Guy from Bumble messaged me again this morning, nice message. I replied. Just went back into Bumble and he's gone.

I just don't get why they do that 🤔

Meeting the one I know very little about for coffee tomorrow- assuming he shows up!

@jamaisjedors

May I join in too? Just getting started (am not in the Uk) and have signed up for equivalent of Match.com

I am not at all sure what I'm doing, but have had 3 conversations.

One of them wanted to meet up but I want to speak to him or video chat first, so I gave him my number.

And then he sent me messages in text speak. I replied back politely but couldn't chat as I was busy and now he's gone silent

I am realising that I'm a snob and not sure whether to listen to that side of myself or give people a chance.

For example the text speak is already irritating me.

And I had a good chat with a guy who turns out to be a delivery driver. I'm in academia.

No idea if I should meet him for a coffee (he is very local) or just decide ahead of time that it's not going to work (please no judging me !).

No judgement here I am a professional, I have only ever been with successful professional men, and I very much enjoy their company.

I am very Early on. One successful coffee and meeting for a drink at weekend. Successful professional.

The coffee this week with a barrister.

I rule out painters / decorators / delivery drivers etc

Is it snobbish, yes. But my time too precious and limited to want to take the risk!

Jamais you're not alone, I hate text speak and I also find it off putting if a bio has spelling mistakes in it. There are a lot of other things in profiles that put me off too!

I'm happy to give anyone a chance if we have things in common but only you can decide what's right for you.

I have no idea what job the guy I'm meeting tomorrow does but we have mutual interests and hobbies, are a similar age with children who live with us part of the time. On that basis I'm happy to meet him.

He's also suggested somewhere and booked a table outside when I accepted. So he's done more things right than the guys that message and then disappear mid conversation.

Unless he stands me up!

Need advice, on POF, and still,fairly new to OLD, for a 3rd time, and it is just weird this time?
I have over 100 likes , yet get no messages ? Which I really don’t mind , but why ?
What I have been doing, is messaging the ones that have liked me.
So have chatted to a few this last week.
So to latest one, liked his profile, no pic, which I don’t mind.
Sent a message, he replied, he is new to OLD, but has been messaging frequently today, I know he may be nervous or just shy, but not once has he asked anything about me ?.

What to do ?

I'd start with looking at mutual likes, then check out their profile, if you like what's written, send a message related to what they've put in their profile. Then do same down the list of mutual likes, not all will answer, some may have something going with another and feel disloyal about chatting to others. You will get some replies that way usually.

I'll join in too. I have a date booked for Friday but I'm just not sure about it. After I was stood up last Sunday it has really put me off!
This guy had no age on his tinder profile (although I assume he wouldn't have appeared in my search if he was outside my age range).
Why hide your age though??

@Angelofdeath

I think you were right about the ‘O Crap ‘.
He just asked Me a question 😀😀

I just have a feeling about this one, been weird today, as soon as I thought about him, a message came through, which, I am finding quite spooky!!!

I have cracked and downloaded Bumble again! I have had a couple of matches - one is very cute but I have no idea what to say to him! He hasn’t put much detail in his profile, just that he has a child and is into sports. What do I say?!

I'm back on Bumble again! Have a second date on Thursday 😊 OP, have you sent the initial message yet?

@StarlightSparkle is there anything in his photo you could refer to?

I've just done my first video call with the first guy I started chatting with.

SO SO glad I read that advice !!!

He looks totally different to his photos which are super flattering.

I could forgive that (pretty sure people will be disappointed with me in person as I'm a lot wrinklier than I look in the photos, despite not using a filter).

But he was SO negative. He was saying how hard it is to live alone, how hard it is not to see his kid (but when I asked why he didn't see her more often he said it would be too hard to take her to school every other week .

And then his job is boring and depressing. He doesn't have many friends...

On his profile he is standing with some nice artwork he did himself (apparently) and said he plays guitar.

He said he can't paint because he's in rented accomodation and it's too hard to find a studio to paint in...

Everything is too hard !!!

I ended it politely and said I would look at my diary and get back to him about whether we could meet up but I'm definitely going to text him tomorrow and say no thanks.

I now wonder whether I should have just said "actually NO" at the end of the video call.

Anyway, I highly recommend doing a video call if you want to save time and weed some people out.

Quite proud that I didn't do any special preparation for it, still had a bit of make-up on from work and just brushed my hair ! I would have been gutted if I'd made a huge effort!

He sounds really hard work Jamais! Well done for doing the video call and weeding him out before you wasted a whole evening on him. Did he really think moaning about his life would be attractive?!

I haven’t messaged him yet. He is holding some sort of trophy in one pic - think it’s football. Not sure what I would say about that though?!

You could just ask him about it? Or something, ohh what did you win?

Angel

I have messaged him so will see if I get a response. Also chatting to another guy who’s not as cute but seems nice. Get the impression he’s not an old hand at this as he’s writing really long messages which is a contrast from the usual one liners.

I did OLD when I was 37, I chatted to a lot of people and went on a few dates but it all felt very depressing, the same conversation started over and over again, the ones who seemd to have potential then suddenly decide I'd like to see their bits in the middle of a conversation, the ones who clearly weren't over their ex (I'm sure i saw more pictures of one guy's ex than I did him!). Through all of this I was talking to one guy about anything and everything most nights, but he lived about 30 miles over my maximum distance of 50 miles, and i was apparently younger than his age bracket (7 years) so I don't know how the site even let us be in touch. Anyway after about 6 weeks of talking he asked if I'd like to meet and i said yes. Funnily enough, the morning he asked me, I'd decided to come.
off the site altogether as I was getting so disheartened) anyway we have been together 5 years now and are engaged. This was pre- bumble days and i met him on POF, so don't give up. It is hard work and you have to have a pretty thick skin, but as long as it doesn't become all consuming it can work.

I did find that by accidentally testing one it weeded him out nicely, he seemed to tick all the boxes, but on the day I was due to meet him, my daughter was sent home ill from school , so I tried to postpone it 2 days, boy did he change in a heartbeat, he sent me an essay but the jist of it was he wasn't playing second fiddle to anyone! I said well sunshine, I'm the wrong one for you then as my daughter will always come first! He then said someone had also stood him up because her dog had anxiety!!!!! i guess he was as frustrated by it all as I was but I'd dodged a bullet I think!

@booboo24 that is a lovely story! Shows about stretching our ‘criteria’ too a bit. Congratulations on engagement - you give me hope!

@StarlightSparkle let us know what response you get.

I got chatting to a few more people.

One seemed reasonably promising, nice photo, 50/50 custody of his daughter. We chatted online for a bit, then I had to work. Later on he asked if I was still at work, I said no but had been busy.

He said he was at a friend's for pizza so I said, ok, have a fun evening.

Today he's blocked me !!! Or I assume so, it says on the message list "this member does not want you to contact him" (I'm translating, not exact wording).

What on earth is that about? Why not just say bye, good luck if he's suddenly not interested.

Or maybe he saw I was online again at another point and didn't immediately write to him?

Totally weird ! Not sure how long I will be doing this for... I've paid for a month and that might be enough and then time for a break.

I also think most of the men my age (45) or slightly older seem very staid.

I like the look of the guys who are late 30s, their profiles just seem much more in line with I want, some fun and going out, not being a step-mum or staying in in front of the TV or doing the gardening - I can do all that on my own.

I have actually contacted a couple of guys younger than me, I'll see if they reply to an old lady like myself