Is there anyone else who doesn’t want sex after menopause?

[Maurice169]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 23 years, the first 8 of those were child free, we’ve always had a good sex life.

I started noticing typical menopause symptoms in my early 40’s, by the time I turned 47 my periods stopped completely. Sex started to become uncomfortable and I started dreading it, so I pushed hubby away, eventually it stopped altogether as he understood what I was going through re menopause.

So it’s been a couple of years now since we’ve done the deed, quite honestly I don’t give it a second thought, the GP said my hormone levels are practically non existent, with this it also means after a lifetime of never having weight problems I’ve slowly put on 4 stone and don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. It’s certainly shattered my confidence, I’m now a frumpy middle aged woman.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

The problem is... I just don’t feel that way.
He’s only 50 and says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without intimacy, which is understandable, but at the same time I don’t want to feel forced to do it when I don’t want to. It’s been so long I think it would hurt anyway, I don’t like using messy creams or gels. I’m still worried what impact this is going to have on our relationship.

Is anyone else in this situation??
Any advice please Thanks!

Hi OP... to be fair, sexless marriages are crushing. He has a right to feel really sad about this. I am 50, on HRT (go seek help, stop giving up on yourself, you sound totally down). I wouldlikesex once a fortnight, DP would like it bloody loads, we compromise on twice a week. However, it doesn't hurt me... are you seeking help for all things you mentioned?

Hi, op. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.💐. I have the opposite issue, I would like to have sex with my husband but he is not interested. I am 55 and have been without a period for two years. I feel so rejected and dejected.

I wish there was some magical cure for menopause.

Me ! However its just not fair on dh. I went to the London Hormone Clinic and have some bioidentical HRT its been quite a game changer. I wouldn't say Im swinging from the chandeliers but its a bit better. Following with interest. Your GP should be able to give HRT x

agree with going to your GP for some HRT. It helps in a lot of ways. Skin looks more youthful, hair not as thin, drive better.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are struggling, please have a chat with your doctor about hrt as that will help your physical symptoms. Also have a look at the Menopause Matters website which is a mine of information. 50 is still young and there's a lot you can do to improve things!

The thing that’s made a difference for me is how I feel about myself. I honestly believe many women turn away from sex if we don’t feel sexy. You e described yourself as frumpy and middle aged. That’s not a sexy feeling is it? So I thin k that’s the thing to work on and that will take a level of dedicated self care. M

For me that self care looked like losing weight, eating low carb which also helps with mood and some exercise. For others it might be getting their hair done or regular hair removal or tanning. But I think your husband needs to get onboard with this and stop heaping pressure on you. Perhaps you could be honest with him about how you feel.

Me.

I’d quite happily never bother again. I’m 46, had a total hysterectomy last year and I’m on HRT patches.
I’ve lost weight and gone down to a size 10, my hair is thicker than it’s been in years, I’ve stopped drinking and feel more energetic than I have in years but DH starting to make advances fills me with dread.
He pesters me relentlessly, I DTD in the hope it will give me a week or two peace but i feel forced to and I’d really rather not.
I’m dead from the waist down.

Get on HRT op. Honestly it works for so many people. Sometimes you have to try a few and find one that works for you.

Good luck x

@Usernametakenthinkagain can you come up with our (very unsexy) solution? DP was a sex pest to point we nearly divorced. That shocked him. He now knows he will get sex twice a week but he is not allowed to fucking harass me in between. Everyone now copes and no expensive divorce.

If you don't want to have sex and feel that is unlikely to change, tell your DH honestly so he can make the decision to stay or go. You don't have to do it, but he doesn't have to tolerate a marriage without sex.

Tell your doc you want to go on HRT . It has many positive health benefits as well as your bits not drying up and your desire will still be there . Of course you may just be sick of your old man so time to get a new one ? Having the best sex of my life ever now!

He will have an affair if you're not careful

Two years is an awful long time to not have sex
Do you think you should separate and let him find the passion he craves? I would not be staying in a marriage like this love or no love

Thing is. The sex has to change and too many men are too selfish to realise this. A lot more cuddles plus a lot more oral might get a woman interested, but if you are going to carry on being a selfish twat - your sex life will be over.

@Oopsiedaisyy

If you don't want to have sex and feel that is unlikely to change, tell your DH honestly so he can make the decision to stay or go. You don't have to do it, but he doesn't have to tolerate a marriage without sex.

I agree with this.

After 2 years and a big change in your appearance and an even bigger one in your attitude it’s significant that he’s trying to reignite things again. He’s not going to hang around forever.

I was in the same position as you this time last year. It was a combination of low hormones, high stress and low self esteem ( body image). Towards the end of the year the stress lifted ( I was able to semi retire after selling my business) I decided to lose weight for me and set a target of getting as close to healthy BMI as possible but not by ‘dieting’ but by changing my eating habits. I’m now 10kg + lighter and hoping to lose more but very slowly.
I have been on HRT for 2 years but it didn’t really seem to make much difference until I’d addressed the stress. I also found that I was exhausted most of the time, a combination of interrupted sleep ( hot flushes and hormones in general). Again, now the HRT seems to have levelled the hormones I sleep really well.
All this has massively changed my libido and I’m now happy to have sex whenever and wherever. Unfortunately, DH has been struggling with ED which appears to be a psychological fallout of me refusing his attentions for so long. However, we are working on it and having a lot of fun rediscovering our love life. Lockdown and having a teenage son in the house 24/7 hasn’t helped but does make for some funny moments.
I can’t wait for the schools to go back so we can take advantage of an empty house on my days off.
I didn’t think I was ever going to feel desirable again. Tonight I was pretty much seduced by DH as I walked through the door. Hopefully it can only get better.
Menopause is such a life changing experience and often coincides with so many other problems such as ageing parents, children reaching adulthood and adding grandchildren to the mix, poor health and just life in general.
OP, start with a visit to your GP and request hormone levels. Discuss HRT, it’s not just beneficial for hormones but helps prevent osteoporosis and heart disease. Ask about testosterone replacement therapy, it looks like it is going to become a much better treatment for menopause. It won’t work overnight but will certainly help in the long term. I struggled with weight gain in my 40s but this time I found weight loss much easier.
If your DH is talking about resuming se life then he still finds you attractive and desirable. Talk to him about how you feel about your body, no doubt at 50 he also has some hang ups.

You need to speak to your husband and you need to speak to your GP, tell them both how you feel.

I’m 49, have been on HRT since I was 44, I love it, it’s made me feel so much better, I’m normally an anxious person, and found when I went on HRT I was less anxious. I haven’t put on any weight since being on it, I lost about 2 stone through exercising and slimming world (didn’t stick to it though, but think I would have lost more if I had, so I’m back on slimming world).
My hair is thicker, my skin looks fantastic, I sleep so much better, and I can’t get enough sex, seriously I am a complete horn bag.

Do yourself a favour, and go speak to your GP about getting some HRT and defo check out menopause matters website too.

Thanks for all your honest comments. I suffered terribly with hot flushes when my periods stopped; I hoped to go on HRT but I’m a high risk for breast cancer so my GP didn’t advise it, I’m on a low dose of Citalopram (antidepressant) which stops the flushes in their tracks.

I think the comments on my body image are true, I don’t feel sexy at all. I recently managed to lose some weight, but when lockdown started, I was drinking again...so the weight piled on.
I’m going to try and get a grip and go back on the low carb diet, and cut down on the booze.

I don’t want to lose my husband, but at the same time a part of me doesn’t care if he finds sex elsewhere.

I don’t think he really wants to do that though.
I think I’ll take your advice and talk to my GP

Thanks

I feel just the same as you. I'm mid fifties, menopausal, on hrt patches, which has stopped the flushes and I sleep better, but my libido didn't come back. I could happily go without for the rest of my life. I also have a lot of pain due to lichen sclerosis, even oral is painful, and there's nothing the doctors can do about it except prescribe local oestrogen (Vagifem tablets you insert, these are very low dose, not like hrt, and you can probably use them, ask your gp) and steroid cream, which isn't a great long term solution. Why would i put myself through the pain? I agree about talking to your husband about it, but you shouldn't have to be in pain so he's satisfied.

There's a good book called Me and my menopausal vagina, worth reading. Also ask your gp for a referral to an nhs menopause clinic.

Antidepressants can affect your libido, they did for me. Mirtazapine doesn't, but there's a tendency to put on weight when taking it.

HRT, and for me a Zinc and Copper supplement

No sex for two years, your husband is extremely patient! Many men would find that very hard to take.

The fact he wants to revive intimacy should lead you to worry less about your body image - he obviously isn't too bothered since he wants you as you are, which is how it should be in an LTR. I would find it embarrassing and humiliating for my DW if she had to make herself appear "attractive" to arouse my interest and I guess your DH is the same.

My DW and I are fortunate in that we still have an active and fulfilling sex life many years after the menopause. It is possible, though it does take commitment and continued communication about wants and needs. 50 is far too young to write off intimacy, and you are correct in assuming that your relationship may be threatened if the issue is not tackled.

I'm late fifties, post menopause and I always say that I don't care if I never see another dick again.

But I'm single. My XP would like to start up a relationship again but I get really stabby at the mere thought of sex. Last time we did it it hurt, he didn't stop, and his whole attitude has put me off completely. I'm not on HRT because I am symptomless and have no desire to put fake hormones into myself just to become 'sexy' for a man.

I can imagine wanting sex again, but with someone else. Sometimes it is the partner, not the menopause...

You are describing what happened to me OP. My husband left because there was no way I was having sex with him again and I don't want sex with anyone else. It all turned off like a switch and has never come back on. That was at 45 and I'm 58 now with not even a tiny flicker of desire and sexuality.
In the USA they give you a small amount of testosterone with your hrt and it really does the job in most cases but my GP said they will not prescribe it over here and you can't get it at all - I have no idea why.
My american friends say it has revitalised their sex lives.
Personally I'm not thrilled to be growing old alone but I just couldn't face him touching me any more so what can you do?

Hi OP. I’ve ended up on HRT otherwise sex would not be possible, I didn’t think that was acceptable for me or my partner. I’m sorry but if your H doesn’t want a sexless marriage then he will leave. My ExH did. We hadn’t had sex for two years.

I am quite happily growing old alone and won’t be changing it any time soon. All the love I need I get from my dogs. Sex is just not my cup of tea anymore and I don’t mind if I never have it again.