Is there anyone else who doesn’t want sex after menopause?

[Maurice169]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 23 years, the first 8 of those were child free, we’ve always had a good sex life.

I started noticing typical menopause symptoms in my early 40’s, by the time I turned 47 my periods stopped completely. Sex started to become uncomfortable and I started dreading it, so I pushed hubby away, eventually it stopped altogether as he understood what I was going through re menopause.

So it’s been a couple of years now since we’ve done the deed, quite honestly I don’t give it a second thought, the GP said my hormone levels are practically non existent, with this it also means after a lifetime of never having weight problems I’ve slowly put on 4 stone and don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. It’s certainly shattered my confidence, I’m now a frumpy middle aged woman.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

The problem is... I just don’t feel that way.
He’s only 50 and says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without intimacy, which is understandable, but at the same time I don’t want to feel forced to do it when I don’t want to. It’s been so long I think it would hurt anyway, I don’t like using messy creams or gels. I’m still worried what impact this is going to have on our relationship.

Is anyone else in this situation??
Any advice please Thanks!

@Maurice169

I’ve just re-read your op and also rtht.

From what I gather you have a range of options worth exploring- HRT but that on its own isn’t the solution. It might also be that you AND your husband together reconsider your sexuality. You both married with the hope the long term. Part of that long term is intimacy and sexuality change over time. Yours has. It’s not unrealistic to suggest that his has too and may too, ie, erectile dysfunction. Perhaps rather find a way forward having in mind relationship with a younger woman perhaps offers sex but also comes with the condition of child/ren. My STXH definitely doesn’t have the drive to raise a second family - nor the money!

This isn’t all us.

Sometimes I feel as if the 'real' benefit of HRT is it makes women much more inclined to massage and stroke men's egos 🤔

It is interesting that you say there is an increase risk in breast cancer from HRT but neglect to mention that the risk is much more increased with alcohol.

Your husband sounds like a saint

You see I wouldn't have minded as much if the sex had come with any affection, but it didn't. It was sex for sex's sake. If I'd had the kind of relationship that felt mutual then I may have considered treatment in order to keep my partner happy.

As it was, he was all about getting his end away in as many and varied positions as he could think of. And I just ended up thinking 'what's the point? All this, for a tiny tingle of pleasure? I could just eat a bar of chocolate on my own.' So I do.

So I think it depends on the relationship. Some may have the kind of relationship where you can talk about these things, others may not. If someone's 'D'H isn't really willing to listen to things from a woman's point of view, but just wants regular ball-emptying, then - well, sometimes you are better off single.

@Maurice169

I don’t want to lose my husband, but at the same time a part of me doesn’t care if he finds sex elsewhere.

Sadly I think if he finds,sex elsewhere you will mind an awful lot
and it will,be too late as the OW will likely want a relationship. Find a way around it before it's too late or be honest and let him go

OP, that must be very difficult for you both. Realistically, based on your description of the situation in the original post, it might be worthwhile to get some professional counseling advice.

Of course, if you don't want to do it don't ... but it's not unfair to expect your DH to go elsewhere. You might think that is OK, but it's probably a slippery slope. Good luck to you both!

I'm sure hrt works but I founds a new dp worked a treat. But you have to go through your h of 25 years dumping you first not so fun.

Not necessarily minnieok - I don't currently have h, so a new DP might work a treat for me!

Sorry you had to go through that, though.

Thank you so much for starting this thread it’s been a godsend. I went through the menopause last year - I’m 47 now - and it’s killed my libido absolutely stone dead . Things started to dwindle a couple of years before and I realise now that I was in perimenopause. I’m not on HRT, I do get hot flashes, and I now have anxiety which I’ve never had before in my life. Reading some of these comments has made me realise that HRT would be replacing a hormone - I’d got it into my head that I should just soldier on, God only knows why. I know DH feels really sad about it and I don’t really know whether he would stray - I hope he wouldn’t but I expect everyone thinks that .

@Heffalooomia

Sometimes I feel as if the 'real' benefit of HRT is it makes women much more inclined to massage and stroke men's egos 🤔

What a load of nonsense ! Yes this is why I take it as opposed to having hot sweats , aching hips in bed , tempers , thinning hair and a dried up fanny .

[quote Normalmumandwife]@Maurice169

I don’t want to lose my husband, but at the same time a part of me doesn’t care if he finds sex elsewhere.

Sadly I think if he finds,sex elsewhere you will mind an awful lot
and it will,be too late as the OW will likely want a relationship. Find a way around it before it's too late or be honest and let him go[/quote]
I was one of those people who thought and said that and believe me it hurts when it happens . They also tend not to stay with you .

I’m sorry you are going through this, OP, it must be a very difficult situation for both of you.

You are entitled to not want sex for whatever reason. Your DH, however, is entitled to not want to stay in a sexless relationship. At the relatively young age of 50, I most certainly would not want to remain celibate for the rest of my life.

Good luck in finding a solution which works for both of you.

@madcatlady... that’s a great way to describe it ...‘like the flick of a switch, and it’s gone’

“Like the flick of a switch and it was gone”

This how Marian Keyes on Desert Island Discs described an episode of depression - one afternoon it descended, and 18 months later is just as spontaneously descended.

What would our opinion be of her and her circumstances if she’d been expected to let her husband free to live his life in a such way that met his needs?

I do think we know so little of the experience of menopause; in the context of an economic structure that relies on people being in work for 40+ years in order to have some financial security. Should our economic status be contingent on our sexuality.

That's a fairly difficult situation OP, for you both. I'd really have a lot of sympathy for your DH in this case.

Nearest I could relate to was when breastfeeding. For those 18 months I was dry, had little interest to be honest.

However, I do know my DH very well. I know what he likes. Personally, I was very happy to have sex, hand, mouth, whatever. Sometimes it did feel like "work" :) But it was "work" I was happy to do, because it makes him happy, and he is always so good to me.

You should never be forced though. If you don't then don't! But please show your DH some honesty and let him know what you really feel and what you want, and whatever happens will happen.

If u eat two or three avocados a week it may help libido.

I’m buying avocados! X

Have you tried doing it to see if you still enjoy it? You don't know until you try.
It's a shame you can't have ostrogel as that's been great for me. I'm also really into eating tonnes of fruit and veg a day and that seems to make me feel healthy and up for it. I'm 51 and a chubster.

I’m pleased for you nosuchluck and when my friends used to talk about lack of interest I’d chuck out the advice to just get in the canoe and paddle, but this is really different, not linked to body image ( also a chubster) it is like a switch has been turned off.
It’s not ‘in the head’ but hard to describe,
Imagine a committed carnivore becoming a vegan and never thinking about meat or cheese again? Although they used to feast on meat and cheese. But now think, what you used to enjoy that?
This is the first time I’ve been really honest, and it is a sad, puzzling loss.
But work is thriving and I am happy, Go figure?

I think, in my case, sex just became pointless. Not that it ever really had a 'point' (although I guess conception was what my body thought the point was), but I just found myself thinking 'why am I going through this again?'

I could enjoy it, but it became like doing a hobby I used to enjoy but just went off. Like knitting jumpers. I COULD still knit a jumper, if I wanted to, but I'd rather be doing something else with my hands.

@31133004Taff

So 20+ years of building a life together, overcoming perhaps unemployment, debt, ill health together; rich in mutual interests; perhaps includes children - accounts for nothing if sex is absent. Is that it? A relationship rests solely on a shag. So it’s OK for menopausal women to be discarded. Again bearing the brunt of expectations. Pension fund being affected by loss of income due to childcare; impact on health due to the stress of being a working mother and maybe also aging parents. We’ve served our purpose if we’re not still into out. So intimacy is not these memories and shared experiences. This person who you know and they know you so well, and whose body you know intimately. That’s not intimacy? Only sex?

Conversely you seem to be saying that his sexual needs are irrelevant and any man not willing to cast his desires aside is somehow being selfish.

I went through horrible surgical menopause at 36 and like a light switch my libido was gone. vaginal atrophy means sex is actively painful which is another mental turn off even when I try for my DH’s sake and also to feel close to him for my benefit. Can’t take HRT due to the cancer causing the surgical menopause and been private and NHS and tried the vaginal pessaries, creams, dilators and testosterone. Nothing helped. Piled on the weight overnight since the surgery and it’s just gone up and nothing helps to lose any bar a starvation diet (which did for near 2yrs). At 41 I have near enough given up . luckily my DH doesn’t pester me but I miss the loss of intimacy (but not enough to persevere regularly with painful sex!)

Would welcome any advice!

@damnthatanxiety

Thanks for picking up on my post.

That was an impassioned post on my part and with that feeling of ‘life is so unfair out of my system’ I went on to say and so agree with you - Men, or your partner, if same sex, shouldn’t be delivered a fait accompli. In later posts I was posing ‘what is the way forward?’ that meets both partner’s needs and this must be a discussion between both. Rather than the only solution- female take HRT and problem solved. Surely we are capable of a deeper level of understanding and love?

Can I ask - is it okay to take HRT if there is breast cancer in your family (my Mum)?

I am 51 and single after a horrible divorce, and this thread has made me feel so sad as I would love to meet someone else. My ex husband withheld affection for years so I feel cheated of intimacy and really hope it isn’t too late to meet someone else. Someone much kinder than he was.

Oh chilver I have nothing to say, aside from I am so sorry. You re too young to be going through this,
I’m glad you are here, though, sometimes it helps to look at a situation face on, and also acknowledge the unspoken loss of this switch being turned off.