Is there anyone else who doesn’t want sex after menopause?

[Maurice169]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 23 years, the first 8 of those were child free, we’ve always had a good sex life.

I started noticing typical menopause symptoms in my early 40’s, by the time I turned 47 my periods stopped completely. Sex started to become uncomfortable and I started dreading it, so I pushed hubby away, eventually it stopped altogether as he understood what I was going through re menopause.

So it’s been a couple of years now since we’ve done the deed, quite honestly I don’t give it a second thought, the GP said my hormone levels are practically non existent, with this it also means after a lifetime of never having weight problems I’ve slowly put on 4 stone and don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. It’s certainly shattered my confidence, I’m now a frumpy middle aged woman.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

The problem is... I just don’t feel that way.
He’s only 50 and says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without intimacy, which is understandable, but at the same time I don’t want to feel forced to do it when I don’t want to. It’s been so long I think it would hurt anyway, I don’t like using messy creams or gels. I’m still worried what impact this is going to have on our relationship.

Is anyone else in this situation??
Any advice please Thanks!

@justanotherneighinparadise

Right that’s shared widely amongst my menopausal friends. Solidarity with all regardless of species!

Maurice I am mid forties and feel exactly the same way (definitely peri-menopause) and so many symptoms insomnia, anxiety etc. It was like a switch going off. My dh ended up watching porn (unbeknown to me) which has caused further issues but what I am told is to be grateful he didn't/hasn't had an affair. All, this when my body is going through a massive change. My dc are still fairly young and I just want a quiet life, concentrate on my hobbies and get a dog! I don't know what the answer is as I don't really want to use hrt. Watching with interest.

I wouldlikesex once a fortnight, DP would like it bloody loads, we compromise on twice a week.

I'm sorry but this just isn't on. If you are having sex when you don't want to be having sex, that is a sad position and may even be abusive The lower libido partner is always in control here, you simply cannot ethically have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex.

Be glad you cab have hrt, I can’t, other meds needed for hormonal depression.
Def more sexual now ( 58: well over it)

A relationship rests solely on a shag.

Sadly this seems to be the case mostly. This is why so many of us get dumped in our 50's while DH swans off with a younger woman. Men don't care about memories and shared experience. They only care about their penises.

I wish is it wasn’t like this.

We’ve had a lovely time on the beach today, had a couple of drinks, walked the dogs.... but no, no sex thanks.
I know he’ll be snoring and snorting his head off soon, I’ll be sneaking into the spare room 😬

I hate to say it but, I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Some friends I talk to are in the same situation as me, some are still at it. I have noticed my fit friends are still having regular sex, it seems the frumpy ones aren’t.
I think body confidence has a lot to do with it.

I don't have any advice but here's my experience I'm mid 50s menopause was about 5 years ago, pre I had a high sex drive after it reduced significantly I do have a bit of desire but it's nothing like it was.
(it's a relief to be honest🤦‍♀️)
I've never used HRT I get hot flushes and trouble sleeping since the menopause, I don't have a weight problem, lifelong fitness fanatic happy with my body but just not interested in sharing it with anyone

It’s really hard. I think this will emerge as the next female experience that wasn’t talked about openly.

I did leave my husband because I felt awful, felt despondent that I couldn’t make myself even be open to foreplay, not even kissing. But then my husband was also ageing: the most awful snoring, halitosis. The tension in the home was toxic as a result. Menopause really is going through the turbulence of adolescence all over again. I wish wish wish I could repair the damage to my relationships my menopause has incurred. I miss my husband terribly everyday. I miss his steadiness, our chats, the physical intimacy of snuggling up together on the couch, holding him and him holding me when the world is just too wobbly to steady ourselves. I wish wish wish that I could make this with some else but I can’t because that level of intimacy I can only achieve with the person with whom I have experienced the ultimate intimacy, the man who has seen me, been with me when I delivered into this world two human beings we created together.

That is such a moving post @31133004Taff.

I totally agree that it is not talked about enough.

I miss wanting sex like I used to.

I've just turned 40 and every thread on menopause like this one scares the shit out of me.

I was told by a counsellor that a relationship is like a chair, all the legs are important, but if you cut off one leg it doesn't work as a chair anymore. Sexual intimacy is a leg, it isn't the only one, but it is one.

Telling your partner that you don't want them touching you sexually anymore is a big deal in most relationships. We can see the pain it causes women on here who are in sexless relationships. I totally understand these feelings (my libido is up and down depending on how well I am controlling my anxiety), but presenting it as a done deal to your partner is an ultimatum and I think it is harsh to judge them for not wanting to stay in the relationship if that is how it is communicated.

OP you need to really talk to your husband and perhaps get the help of a counsellor. I'm sure you can find a future together that works, but just telling him you don't want a physical relationship anymore without any discussion is backing him into a corner.

I don’t think the fit and slim people are having sex more purely because they’re body confident, lots of larger women have lots of body confidence, I think it’s much more likely their hormones aren’t all over the place and / or they’re taking HRT. Don’t ever underestimate the damage being hormone deficient can do. We aren’t meant to go years and years and years with no oestrogen. We are living longer and yet our bodies change in our 40s and 50s and we are expected to carry on till 80 plus in a menopausal state. If people can take HRT they really should try it - not just in any attempt to reignite sex but just to feel half way human and alive again. People have such an odd attitude to HRT, if you have a thyroid problem you wouldn’t hesitate to take thyroid replacement medication. If a woman is oestrogen deficient or testosterone deficient- which can lead to heart and bone issues in itself so it’s not something to ignore - people think you should just soldier on through it as part of nature’s great plan. Well nature is an arse!

I do think we live in a really sexist society where we judge ourselves as women by our sexual value and that’s all wrong. We don’t do the same for men! It makes me so angry.

I think also, people have very unrealistic expectations of long term relationships. I’ve been with my dh for a long time (over 12 years now) and we’ve been through so much - my mum dying of bowel cancer, our son having severe autism and learning disabilities, low income, losing jobs, dh having mental health issues, me having chronic long term health problems etc. We’ve both changed as people since we first got together, both older and a bit fatter and more stressed. We still love each other. We can go months with no sex whatsoever and we never put pressure on each other. We are very lucky in that regard. I was in an abusive first marriage where my dh would constantly pressure me and I left him when my eldest child was 6 months old. I get really fed up with the idea that sex is the be all and end all of a good marriage. It really isn’t.

I was told by a counsellor that a relationship is like a chair, all the legs are important, but if you cut off one leg it doesn't work as a chair anymore. Sexual intimacy is a leg, it isn't the only one, but it is one.

I wonder then perhaps the discussion needs to open between men and women what 'sex' means as both move into the next phase of their lives. A counselor said in her consultations she worked with women to find an anchor in their lives not de-stabalised by hormones. With men, she worked to enable them to embrace just that experience - the ability to go with the storm. So asking men to engage in this discussion is challenging when both are charting a path that is little discussed.

I know that I am being very narrow in my description, but I value MN because I can gain greater clarification for issues that affect me personally. And OP, I hope this discussion is moving forward as you hoped rather than the post being hijacked?

* presenting it as a done deal to your partner is an ultimatum and I think it is harsh to judge them for not wanting to stay in the relationship if that is how it is communicated.*

we all need help to better communicate.

Again, I wish my husband was able to embrace a storm. I wish we could have these discussion now.

At 57 and having had 4 years break from the stress of being a working mother, I feel I can be open to exploring how my body can respond to other person. But I am different, biology has changed my body without due consideration to my needs for survival in the modern age of living longer and an economy that is not community based. Economically, we do not care for menopausal women. By choosing to raise children we have taken the economic hit. By having to relinquish our sexual being, it seems we also have to relinquish our economic base.

There must be another way.

I’m on a low dose of Citalopram (antidepressant) which stops the flushes in their tracks.
It is also well known for killing people's libidos stone dead. Speak to your GP.

I'd also recommend a vaginal moisturiser, which you can apply hours before and is not in any way messy.

There must be another way

If in our society, relationship is defined by whether you are having sex and for men it is important that this includes penetrative sex. Perhaps the third way, is embracing a fluid sexuality.

Perhaps, I need to consider entering into a same sex relationship with a like minded woman?

Now that's really given me something to mull over.

I just can't see myself having a relationship with another man. I am just too intimately connected to my husband. But neither do I want to live on my own for the next 40 years - if my Mum's longevity is to be a clue to my future.

To me it makes perfect evolutionary sense for women to stop wanting sex once they are infertile - why waste good sperm on an empty vessel? But it still seems to come as a complete surprise to everyone (me included).

I’m all for finding a workaround - if we’re going to stay married and live till our 90s we’ve got to find a way to navigate through it given it’s one of those chair legs for so many marriages (I met a man of 85 who had taken viagra for sex “to good effect” )

I found HRT a godsend: there has to be more work done for those who can’t use it in its current form.

Yes me. I'm so sad about it. I'm in early menopause after very intensive cancer treatment. I'm on hrt and my libido has started to return but it's so physically painful. I just don't know what to do. I'm frightened of trying to have sex again but I don't want to force a life of celibacy on him.

HRT is not for everyone though, that is the reality.

The reality is also the mismatched libido transforms (and often kills) relationships. OP, you should be realistic about that possibility.

I've certainly reduced interest in sex, but I know what DH likes and and happy to go along with that. I'll often start things too, so he does not feel bad. I know it's important for him, and I'm happy to help out :) He's does/ has done so much for me over the years together. So while it is not a priority for me, I want to do it for him.

I'm slim and fit and full of body confidence. It's just that my hormones have packed up and gone to live elsewhere. And, being single, I'm certainly not going to take HRT just in 'case'. Why would I?

@Zaphodsotherhead

I'm slim and fit and full of body confidence. It's just that my hormones have packed up and gone to live elsewhere. And, being single, I'm certainly not going to take HRT just in 'case'. Why would I?

Regarding your earlier post - the thing is we are NOT filling ourself with artificial hormones . We are replacing what has gone due to a variety of reasons , menopause being one of them .

I think there are a couple of things here - one is that people in long term relationships do seem to struggle more . I think that for many people they just reach the end of the road with a partner . I'm not one for looking with rose coloured glasses about the fact that we had children or whatever blah blah . Life is life and things happen at a moment in time . It doesn't make them any less important if we end that relationship but neither are they are reason to hang on in a dead relationship.

I like the chair with 4 legs comparison . I was in a sexless marriage for many years and only now that I am having sex with my new husband do I realise the extent of what I was missing . I don't mean the actual sex itself but the feelings and bondings that come with it . The sex though is amazing too though .

It is well known now that there are many physical and mental benefits from taking HRT . I believe I want to be the best version of myself for as long as I can be partner or none .

@Bagelsandbrie

I don’t think the fit and slim people are having sex more purely because they’re body confident, lots of larger women have lots of body confidence, I think it’s much more likely their hormones aren’t all over the place and / or they’re taking HRT. Don’t ever underestimate the damage being hormone deficient can do. We aren’t meant to go years and years and years with no oestrogen. We are living longer and yet our bodies change in our 40s and 50s and we are expected to carry on till 80 plus in a menopausal state. If people can take HRT they really should try it - not just in any attempt to reignite sex but just to feel half way human and alive again. People have such an odd attitude to HRT, if you have a thyroid problem you wouldn’t hesitate to take thyroid replacement medication. If a woman is oestrogen deficient or testosterone deficient- which can lead to heart and bone issues in itself so it’s not something to ignore - people think you should just soldier on through it as part of nature’s great plan. Well nature is an arse!

I do think we live in a really sexist society where we judge ourselves as women by our sexual value and that’s all wrong. We don’t do the same for men! It makes me so angry.

People have such an odd attitude to HRT, if you have a thyroid problem you wouldn’t hesitate to take thyroid replacement medication

Exactly.

I don't miss wanting sex because it was torture, I never got enough, never felt truly fulfilled or satisfied

It is well known now that there are many physical and mental benefits from taking HRT

True but I can't take HRT now as I am on treatment an oestrogen receptive breast cancer.
Even of I could over come the mechanics of a sore, dry fanjo, I actually have no desire. None, zero, zilch.
Erotic literature? now does nothing for me, masturbation? no longer interested, dressing up sexy? No thanks, Free pass with the man of my dreams? No thank you. Oral sex? Please leave me alone
My whole libido packed it's bags, flicked me a V sign and slammed the door on the way out.
Sometimes I have erotic dreams, invloving my DH ( well we are both a lot younger in the main,) and will even climax, and those are nice, but like all dreams can't be pre-ordered and happen randomly.
As pp have mentioned this is a poorly understood and never discussed part of some womens lives.
Maybe when I come off the tamoxifen, hopefully next year(the oestrogen blocker for the breast cancer) things might pick up.

I think a big problem is that mentally if you really aren’t bothered then you really aren’t and it becomes torture mentally to force it simply because another person does want it. I’m not sure what the solution is other than taking HRT which works for some but not for others or ‘making yourself DTD’ and I am sure it’s one of the reasons why many people and particularly women in their late 40s, 50s and early 60s get dumped or indeed dump their partners. I simply went off all kinds of affection and not just sex.