Is there anyone else who doesn’t want sex after menopause?

[Maurice169]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 23 years, the first 8 of those were child free, we’ve always had a good sex life.

I started noticing typical menopause symptoms in my early 40’s, by the time I turned 47 my periods stopped completely. Sex started to become uncomfortable and I started dreading it, so I pushed hubby away, eventually it stopped altogether as he understood what I was going through re menopause.

So it’s been a couple of years now since we’ve done the deed, quite honestly I don’t give it a second thought, the GP said my hormone levels are practically non existent, with this it also means after a lifetime of never having weight problems I’ve slowly put on 4 stone and don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. It’s certainly shattered my confidence, I’m now a frumpy middle aged woman.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

The problem is... I just don’t feel that way.
He’s only 50 and says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without intimacy, which is understandable, but at the same time I don’t want to feel forced to do it when I don’t want to. It’s been so long I think it would hurt anyway, I don’t like using messy creams or gels. I’m still worried what impact this is going to have on our relationship.

Is anyone else in this situation??
Any advice please Thanks!

I would check with GP re HRT. I have history on both sides re cancer. I was disappointed when she said I couldn’t have it, I’d hoped it would sort out my problem, but my friend who’s been on HRT for a year said it’s made no difference to her (lack of) sex life. The good thing is it’s different for everyone.

DH is accusing me of not finding him attractive anymore, saying maybe I need a younger sexier man.... I couldn’t think of anything worse!
I did tell him that.
I do love him, I find him attractive, but I don’t want anyone going near my intimate area!

Just the thought of it grosses me out.
I wish I didn’t feel that way.
How could he really want to have sex with a 50 year old woman?!

Thanks for all the comments, I’ve been reading with interest.

How much of this idea" you don't want him near your bits" ties into what is deemed attractive, porn industry, youth porn? Have you, yourself given up on sex because of the porn normality of youth,? We can have sex over 50 but only if you love your body and stop trying to compare with porn

Look, wether we go down the HRT route or not, it's got to come from YOU how you see your body, how you accept change, how you ignore the ridiculous assumptions that female bodies stay the same. Every one of those porn industry stereotypical bodies are female, they will age, they will show signs of aging, it's natural, it's normal, it's not something to be ashamed about. Love your body, listen to it, I am trying to do this and after three months of not having sex because I was ashamed of a bit of flab, I'm enjoying sex with my husband like nothing before, twenty six years together, he has a flabby tummy, he was actually thinking I didn't fancy him any more! Nothing could be have been further from my mind, I thought he he didn't like the bit of fat on my vagina. After talking, after wonderful sex he said, I love that bit of fat, It makes you you x

Sorry to hear what you're going through OP but have you not seriously discussed alternatives to HRT with your GP and husband and tried absolutely everything (that's safe healthwise)? Your marriage with your life partner is at very serious risk here plus it sounds like menopause has had a profound effect on your own physical and mental health. Make this your top top priority to try to get sorted.

Thanks timetospare. I am grateful for a lot of things but my whole identity changed with all the physical (and mental) problems the cancer and treatment caused, and is still causing. And my serial identity is part of that. Its taken a few years and I've built up my self esteem again but I am definitely not the person I used to be and that impacts the mental aspect of sex, let alone the physical.

Really sorry to hear what you are going through - menopause affects a lot of us like that. This has nothing to do with self esteem, comparing yourself to a porn star, losing weight or anything else you can come up with. This is about your hormones disappearing until you have the sexuality of the average ten year old. Yes, you have a strong bond with a lifelong friend......but then your head tells you that this person should not touch you and all hell breaks loose. In my experience, men do not want to understand and simply think you will 'recover' in a week. You don't, and if your medical history advises that you leave HRT well alone, it needs patience and communication.
Remember how it felt after giving birth when the absolute last thing you wanted to do was start up your sex life again? Well this is much worse - exactly like being switched off. Big hug, and I hope you can sort things out.

Thanks for your post Ilovelockdown, it seems to make a lot of sense.

I'm beginning to think negatively about men (history of past abuse but also to be fair, my mother was equally as awful). Since I caught my dh watching porn (mild, late night T.V stuff), I have lost a lot of respect for him. At first I didn't realise I was knee deep in the peri-menopause and because of this I couldn't really explain what was going on for me (also had toddler dc, sleepless nights etc, so some of it was put down to this). But equally, my dh, didn't talk about it either, he just thought he was helping by not bothering me. Now, there seems to be little affection between us, we just sort of get along. My negativity toward men in general is only a recent thing, I wonder if it is to do with the hormone transition or whether I have woken up a bit, now that I am a bit older. I used to be a lot more forgiving. Now, I look at teen dd and think, I wouldn't want to go through all that lot again (worrying what the boys and peers think/body image etc.) I just get the feeling that with my state of mind, I couldn't really be bothered with starting all over again with another dp. Like another poster said, I'd rather be doing other things (like developing my own business and hobby, getting fit and expanding my social circle). It feels I've lost a lot but gaining a lot too in terms of my own development.

To all the posters who have experienced the switch being turned off, do you still masturbate?

nosuchluck virtually never now and if I do, once in a blue moon maybe, nothing, and I mean nothing happens.
(It used to be one of my favourite pastimes. I never did learn to knit so had to do something with my hands )
I used to read erotica too, that does nothing for me now either.

To be honest, it’s all rather curious, and a real loss. I’m sure it’s not in my head, I’m sure it’s hormonal, but HRT is not an option for me due to the type of breast cancer I had.

Thank you for answering.

I have one 58-year-old married friend who discovered weed. She says weed is the only way she can tolerate sex in an otherwise happy marriage. Weed, plus prescription lube.

I have several other single friends 55+ who say they will never take in some old man's sperm again since it's full of high blood pressure medication and other pharmaceuticals.

She says weed is the only way she can tolerate sex
in other words..she needs something to numb her before she can do it!
I'm a cannabis user and could probably be more up for it when I'm stoned but there are still other things I'd rather do

31133004Taff It is indeed complicated. Desire and libido are complex and are not up for argument. Whilst things can be done to try to improve or reduce libido, to some extent, they are what they are and they are important. With zero libido or desire, attempts at sexual intimacy can be repugnant. Equally, someone with a strong libido can not simply ignore it. The unfortunate fact is that for some people, this is an insurmountable problem that calls for ending what is otherwise a good relationship. Not everyone can tolerate one person finding satisfaction elsewhere and not all people with a raging libido find the idea of finding sex outside of a relationship appealing anyway. It is so sad and something that blights relationships now that we live so much beyond menopause.

@damnthatanxiety
Great post, sums it up exactly!

old man sperm again
Good point I doubt it has any or therapeutic properties left and is probably actually poisonous now 😶
I guess we need to procure some younger men for their medicinal seminal fluid?🤔

@Maurice169 I know a lot on HRT, I write about it for the national press as a health writer and talk to the UK top meno experts,and do my own research. I also have a meno consultant myself , one of the best in the UK.

Unless you have had recent breast cancer yourself, or a heart attack or blood clot, it is almost 100% certain you can use HRT. If you have 2 first degree relatives with breast cancer (and diagnosed under 40) this would be a 'be careful' issue, but even that would not stop you having HRT.

If when you say 'cancer risk' you mean relatives on your mums' and dad's side had some sort of cancer, so you can't have HRT, that's nonsense.

I have been posting on HRT and meno on the Menopause forum here for years and sadly most GPs are always wrong about HRT and who can't have it.

Feel free to ask any questions here or pop over to the meno forum and ask.

But what if we don't WANT to turn to HRT? If, like me, you are fortunate enough not to have any other menopausal symptoms apart from the loss of desire/libido?

And what if the HRT doesn't bring back the libido? Where do you go from there?

Good point Zap...not all of us want to turn to to HRT. Posts keep getting derailed on this forum by the promotion of HRT, when some of us can't or don't want to take it.

My libido has gone completely since I've gone through the menopause. And to be honest, it's a wonderful feeling. When I was younger, I was absolutely rampant and would have been devastated to hear that, but now I feels like I've achieved a clarity of thought and feeling that was lost when I fancied men actively. I still look admiringly at a handsome man, but have no desire to be touched that way.

And the point is, @Daphnesmate01 and @Zaphodsotherhead that women deserve to know the facts and then make a choice.

There are so many myths, prejudices and misunderstandings on HRT everywhere, that it's only right women know the facts.

HRT seems to be an emotive topic, yet no one bats an eyelid at using antibiotics, opioid painkillers or antidepressants which carry risks.

The OP appears to have been mislead by her GP on whether she can have HRT. That's the first point.

If the GP is wrong it opens up options for her.

In fact she even says that she will go back and ask.

HRT and testosterone is a recognised medical treatment for women with low libido. This is a medical treatment, and is prescribed by very well respected menopause consultants.

If someone does not want to use this kind of medical help, that's up to them.

What do they do otherwise? Well, for some marriages it will be a case of divorce because it's not fair to deprive someone of a sex life if they want it and you don't.

If a man had ED and would not seek help, was stubbornly refusing to even try something to help, consider Viagra or other meds, including testosterone, his partner would be entitled IMO to find sex elsewhere or leave the relationship.

not all of us want to turn to to HRT.

It's not heroin.

The emotion behind 'turn to it . What's that based on?

It's based on the fact that HRT is being pushed as the only answer to a failing libido.

I do not at all blame those women whose lives are horrifically impacted by the menopause for taking HRT. If you are woken hourly by hot sweats, can't work for anxiety and loss of concentration, if your body hurts ...then, by all means, HRT may be the answer for you.

But if you don't? If you are happy and healthy and not suffering from the menopause in any way, other than loss of libido? Why should HRT be used in those circumstances?

I'm on the waiting list for a hysterectomy and have been listening to the 'My Menopause Doctor' podcast - loads of really great information there from one of the top menopause doctors in the country.

@OldWomanSaysThis

I have one 58-year-old married friend who discovered weed. She says weed is the only way she can tolerate sex in an otherwise happy marriage. Weed, plus prescription lube.

I have several other single friends 55+ who say they will never take in some old man's sperm again since it's full of high blood pressure medication and other pharmaceuticals.

Why does it have to be prescription lube ? There are loads of easy to buy ones .

@Zaphodsotherhead I think that pushed is an emotive term. Would you agree on that?

If someone suggested antibiotics for a serious infection, would that be being 'pushed'?

I'm really happy to have sensible discussions on HRT- the pros and cons- but it's got to be based on medical facts not emotions . Not saying you are guilty of that.

If you listen to a podcast with Nick Panay (one of the UK's top gynaes and meno experts) on a chat with Liz Earle (on her Wellbeing website) They discuss if he would give HRT to women who don't have typical symptoms of meno BUT want HRT for the benefits it has ( overall better health and mortality than women not using it- this is a fact not an opinion, by the way so don't shoot me!) His reply is a definite YES.

So, testosterone is not usually given without estrogen as it's not a good balance for women.

Therefore...you can see where this is going...if a woman has no libido and wants to try something, she would usually start with HRT low dose and add in testosterone.

It's really not a case of 'pushing it,' just giving the facts about treatment.

There is also a product called DHEA which some women find helps but again it's often part of a cocktail of support.

Other than all of this, if you or anyone doesn't want to use HRT etc, then the only way forward is to find some compromise with a partner and decide how you can both be happy.

There is the theory that the less you have the less you want, and that sometimes trying to get going with touching and cuddling, even when not in the mood, can create desire again, and once someone has sex their appetite returns.