Is there anyone else who doesn’t want sex after menopause?

[Maurice169]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 23 years, the first 8 of those were child free, we’ve always had a good sex life.

I started noticing typical menopause symptoms in my early 40’s, by the time I turned 47 my periods stopped completely. Sex started to become uncomfortable and I started dreading it, so I pushed hubby away, eventually it stopped altogether as he understood what I was going through re menopause.

So it’s been a couple of years now since we’ve done the deed, quite honestly I don’t give it a second thought, the GP said my hormone levels are practically non existent, with this it also means after a lifetime of never having weight problems I’ve slowly put on 4 stone and don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. It’s certainly shattered my confidence, I’m now a frumpy middle aged woman.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

The problem is... I just don’t feel that way.
He’s only 50 and says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without intimacy, which is understandable, but at the same time I don’t want to feel forced to do it when I don’t want to. It’s been so long I think it would hurt anyway, I don’t like using messy creams or gels. I’m still worried what impact this is going to have on our relationship.

Is anyone else in this situation??
Any advice please Thanks!

If husbands would only agree to be castrated following our menopause everyone would be happy

Couldn't you do other stuff?
Get creative you know.
Sex doesn't have to be about dicks and fannys.

Theres probably some kinky books or other about.

You can get testosterone privately. Go and see a menopause specialist

@Coffeeandbeans

You can get testosterone privately. Go and see a menopause specialist

But this is kind of my point. Why should we fill ourselves full of artificial hormones to make us want sex just to keep a man? Nature is telling us to go off and learn to crochet and enjoy 'Homes Under the Hammer' but we feel obliged to wear patches or take pills so that a man will still want us.

I am alone with my dog and very very happy that I won't have to put up with the groping and the nipple squeeze and then the erection in the back, because HE feels like sex...

I felt like you do in my mid 40s. Was having hot flushes and sleepless nights too. So in the end, while I could cope with the hot flushes and the lack of sleep, I decided to try hrt to basically save my marriage. It has worked to a certain extent. I can at least bear him to be near me now and manage to dtd enough to keep him happy. Personally, I can do without it, but I know he can't really, so I would recommend you try hrt.

The thing is we have been lead to believe that falling hormone levels only affects our libidos and reproductive systems, but really they have massive effects on many other things including brain health and future-proofing against degenerative illnesses as we age. It's worth spending some time looking into it for the sake of your own health (now and in the future) as well as the health of your marriage. You might find this website interesting www.lattelounge.co/

I wish you well.

I suppose it all depends on whether you have enjoyed/loved sex pre menopause. Personally I love sex and the thought of never having sex again was depressing in itself.
Filling my body full of hormones that were naturally there premenopause doesn’t worry me at this stage of life.
As with everything it’s a personal choice.

Op not everyone wants to have sex at any age, menopause or not, and that’s absolutely okay. The media makes out there’s something wrong with us if we don’t want it but that’s just a myth. The difficult and sad part of this is your husband feels differently and therefore it’s an issue of communication between you both as to whether you could try and compromise and fancy giving it a go once in a while or whether you feel / he feels the lack of sex means the marriage cannot continue. (Or allow him to find it elsewhere and stay married, many do)!

However, something I wanted to mention is that even if you cannot have HRT in the traditional sense you can still use things like Oestrogen based internal creams and pessaries like Ovestin and Vagifem which would deal with the issues of dryness and soreness - which need not actually be just a sexual issue, vaginal atrophy can lead to intense discomfort and bouts of thrush as we get older if untreated. The amounts of oestrogen in these creams are so tiny hardly any actually passes into the bloodstream but it is enough to help the delicate tissues of the vaginal area.

@Bagelsandbrie

DO you know if you can you use Oestrogen based internal creams and pessaries like Ovestin and Vagifem if you are taking tamoxifen following an oestrogen receptive breast cancer?

Has the GP checked your thyroid levels by the way? (re weight gain - turned out to be that with a few friends of mine).

@Timetospare I’m not 100% sure and I don’t want to give out inaccurate advice but I’m pretty confident I read somewhere that you can. I saw a specialist at Newson Health menopause clinic as my Gp kept fobbing me off and I was fed up with it - I’m 39 and have multiple health issues some of them very rare and I got fed up with being told I couldn’t have HRT. I am now taking oestrogel and Utrogestan and it’s been life changing for me. I also use Ovestin internal cream every other day (which is more than you’re supposed to but my specialist said in my case it was okay) and it’s stopped me being plagued by recurrent thrush and UTIs.

Give the Newson Health clinic a google, lots of information and advice there for free. It’s run by Dr Louise Newson who has tons of informative videos on menopause and HRT on You Tube too.

I don’t work for them or anything - I am just a woman who was struggling to get help!

www.menopausedoctor.co.uk/resources/booklets

OP I honestly thought I had written your post. Only difference is we are still DTD but very infrequently and I feel it is failing off. I used to love sex and feel very sad that I may never have it again. I may have another 30-40 years in this planet. I feel dead below the waist and invisible. I am slim and wore a flattering dress the other day. I got no glances from men or women. It's fucking awful. Seen as a frump, housewife who can keep house. Never thought I would feel this low, down and bloody old in my 50s.

You can get testosterone privately. Go and see a menopause specialist

I wish I'd known this before my marriage broke up. My GP told me I'd not get this in the UK from anyone.
My doctor spent a lot of time telling me what I can't have while my marriage hung from a thread and finally snapped. Its too late for me now. Why are women treated like this?

@Bagelsandbrie

thanks for the link, I'll take a look.

I’m in surgical menopause. I got oestrogen and testosterone by seeing a private specialist. I would recommend seeing a private menopause specialist to anyone as many GPs don’t seem to know nearly as much as they should about hormonal issues.

My lovely female GP did prescribe testosterone gel for me on the NHS , but the dosage was very inexact ( I had to squeeze a 'bit' of gel out and rub into by upper arm) and to be honest I gave up after about 6 weeks, as I hadn't noticed any change and I was worried about side effects.
Subsequently I developed breast cancer, so came off HRT altogether and am now on hormone therapy that basically wipes out all oestrogen.
My libido has never recovered, and I feel it's a bit like an amputation.
It is sad, and it also makes me angry this is not talked about or worthy of medical research.
My DH and I rub along ok and we no longer talk about it and if he were to 'go elsewhere' it would be painful but understandable.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

This stood out to me. I read recently menopause doesn't have an end. It's the state you are in after being peri-menopausal for x number of years. Every woman is different, so him reading up about what is 'normal' is not helpful.
I'm at the start of the peri so nowhere near where you are, but you are sounding really quite dejected about it all. Would chatting to your gp about hrt help? (Sorry, not read the whole thread, so don't know if you've mentioned this at all.)
I hope you find a way through this

So 20+ years of building a life together, overcoming perhaps unemployment, debt, ill health together; rich in mutual interests; perhaps includes children - accounts for nothing if sex is absent. Is that it? A relationship rests solely on a shag. So it’s OK for menopausal women to be discarded. Again bearing the brunt of expectations. Pension fund being affected by loss of income due to childcare; impact on health due to the stress of being a working mother and maybe also aging parents. We’ve served our purpose if we’re not still into out. So intimacy is not these memories and shared experiences. This person who you know and they know you so well, and whose body you know intimately. That’s not intimacy? Only sex?

It seems entirely normal that once we can no longer bare children, our desire for sex wanes. I saw a YouTube clip when a silverback gorilla was doing all sorts of manly stuff to impress a female but she didn’t give a shit as she was of an age where she could no longer have babies. I’ve never seen such an underwhelmed gorilla in my life 🤣

@31133004Taff
I get what your saying and it's not really like that for us. We do get along, most of the time, have a cuddle when it's not 35 degrees, have lots of shared memories and future plans, but my loss of libido is a real loss to me, and as I said up thread, like an amputation, I miss it but can manage without it, but I do know my DH felt rejected and if he were to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, it would be very painful but understandable. Shockingly, I honestly don't think I would divorce because of it. And that is something I could never have countenanced 7 or so years ago.
We used to be rampant ( stealth boast )

That’s right! You’re grieving too.

@justanotherneighinparadise

You can get testosterone here but you probably need to see a consultant in HRT to have it prescribed.

[quote 31133004Taff]@justanotherneighinparadise
[/quote]
m.youtube.com/watch?v=wDECqJsiGqw