Is there anyone else who doesn’t want sex after menopause?

[Maurice169]

My husband and I (both 50) have been together for 23 years, the first 8 of those were child free, we’ve always had a good sex life.

I started noticing typical menopause symptoms in my early 40’s, by the time I turned 47 my periods stopped completely. Sex started to become uncomfortable and I started dreading it, so I pushed hubby away, eventually it stopped altogether as he understood what I was going through re menopause.

So it’s been a couple of years now since we’ve done the deed, quite honestly I don’t give it a second thought, the GP said my hormone levels are practically non existent, with this it also means after a lifetime of never having weight problems I’ve slowly put on 4 stone and don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. It’s certainly shattered my confidence, I’m now a frumpy middle aged woman.

So hubby’s starting piping up now, the last couple of weeks his mansplaining to me that I should be ‘over it’ by now, apparently I should be experiencing a new and revitalised libido...he’s been Googling you see?!

The problem is... I just don’t feel that way.
He’s only 50 and says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without intimacy, which is understandable, but at the same time I don’t want to feel forced to do it when I don’t want to. It’s been so long I think it would hurt anyway, I don’t like using messy creams or gels. I’m still worried what impact this is going to have on our relationship.

Is anyone else in this situation??
Any advice please Thanks!

I have several other single friends 55+ who say they will never take in some old man's sperm again since it's full of high blood pressure medication and other pharmaceuticals.

This is joke surely??? And why assume all old men are on BP meds for a start?

@Zaphodsotherhead

It's based on the fact that HRT is being pushed as the only answer to a failing libido.

I do not at all blame those women whose lives are horrifically impacted by the menopause for taking HRT. If you are woken hourly by hot sweats, can't work for anxiety and loss of concentration, if your body hurts ...then, by all means, HRT may be the answer for you.

But if you don't? If you are happy and healthy and not suffering from the menopause in any way, other than loss of libido? Why should HRT be used in those circumstances?

You still do not seem to understand that there are proven health benefits from this but no one is forced to take it .

Hi OP

I know how you feel re sex drive. I put on weight too though not quite that much. I lost it by following the low carb boot camp threads started by the amazing BIWI.

Forget the menopause matters website, it's so cluttered and confusing. Check this one out that the very helpful JinglingHellsBells posted in another thread. www.menopausedoctor.co.uk/menopause/topics/hrt

I will talk to my GP again about HRT.

FYI if your doctor is unsupportive then you can see a doctor privately who will then write to your doc and you will get HRT on prescription .

@Maurice169 Again, FYI, if your dr says you cannot have HRT, you might want to query the cancer risk- you said' both sides' (of your family?) How would your father's health history have any bearing on it?

The other thing again FYI is that being overweight post postmenopause carries the biggest risk of all for breast cancer with something like 28 extra cases per 1000 women compared to 4 possible extra cases on HRT.

@VivaMiltonKeynes

The title of the thread was 'Is there anyone else who doesn't want sex after the menopause'. I'm just putting over my reasons for not wanting HRT and stating that I don't want sex and I'm post menopause. I've got nothing against HRT whatsoever; I just don't see why I should go to my doctor and ask for it just because I've got no libido. I'm single, my lack of rampant sexuality doesn't disturb anyone, and I would never try to talk anyone out of a treatment that helped them.

I've no idea why everyone keeps trying to tell me that HRT is the answer to all my prayers.

If the title of the thread had been 'Is there anyone else whose partner is being affected by their not wanting sex after the menopause' I would probably be shouting GET HRT as loudly as the rest.

Zaphodsotherhead Maybe you should have made that clear at the start instead of implying that HRT was being 'pushed' because your post didn't say any of what you've just posted now.

@Zaphodsotherhead I think you might be strawmanning a bit here.

Posters are trying to offer advice and suggestions on the OPs situation, not yours. Your low libido isn't causing you any problems in your life, but it does for many other women. HRT is clearly a medical intervention that can help improve that situation for some women and it is right that it is discussed alongside the other advice in this thread.

It is also clear that far too many women have their health concerns dismissed too easily by medical professionals and suffer problems as a result. Encouraging women to not take the first opinion from a GP as final is good advice.

[quote Zaphodsotherhead]@VivaMiltonKeynes

The title of the thread was 'Is there anyone else who doesn't want sex after the menopause'. I'm just putting over my reasons for not wanting HRT and stating that I don't want sex and I'm post menopause. I've got nothing against HRT whatsoever; I just don't see why I should go to my doctor and ask for it just because I've got no libido. I'm single, my lack of rampant sexuality doesn't disturb anyone, and I would never try to talk anyone out of a treatment that helped them.

I've no idea why everyone keeps trying to tell me that HRT is the answer to all my prayers.

If the title of the thread had been 'Is there anyone else whose partner is being affected by their not wanting sex after the menopause' I would probably be shouting GET HRT as loudly as the rest.[/quote]
Yes but OP went on to say how can she tackle this problem with her DH . No one is saying what YOU should do .

I could have written your post word for word, OP.

DH and I are both early 50s, but I went through the menopause at 46, with very few symptoms, so I never felt the need for HRT. But I hadn't reckoned on the complete loss of libido which has now reduced our sex life to an annual (if that) event. And as time wore on, I presumed that HRT was more and more pointless.

It has now reached the point where I feel I must do something about it, or risk losing him. Not that he's threatening to go, but I know he hates the situation. I have had a "year off" from worrying about it, as I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer late last year, so had a full hysterectomy and radiotherapy, but that's in the past now, so I am contemplating my next move (GP or private clinic - not quite sure where to start!).

Some really useful posts here......

I have bought some dhea (micronised) to try. It can aggravate certain health conditions or so I believe so anyone with underlying health issues should consult GP. I have used dhea before and found it did help me. It's not cheap though.

@CointreauVersial So sorry to hear about your cancer. Hope you are okay? If you are considering HRT you really do need a specialist to discuss and prescribe. A GP is likely to throw their hands up in horror if you mention previous cancer and HRT. They aren't trained to work with this kind of thing.

You would only need estrogen as you have no uterus.

You need a specialist who knows about menopause and HRT. That is probably a private appt as there is a huge delay in the NHS.

Medical advice online (and by that I mean proper medical sites, not dumbed down articles) say that for women who had early stage endo cancer, they can use hrt.

If you need any pointers as to who to see, I may be able to suggest names as through my work I know (of) several across the UK.

@JinglingHellsBells - thanks, that is super-kind! Any pointers gratefully received.

@CointreauVersial I will PM you.

Really interesting thread. As someone who loved sex before menopause, it's come as a total surprise that I have no libido and feel like a dried up prune, so the occasional times I would have had penetrative sex it just hurt too much. I had stage 3 breast cancer 4 years ago and due to being triple negative can't take medication for it so had chemo and radiation. Never ever gave hrt a thought and ignorantly only heard bad things about it so batted it off. Really interesting to read people's thoughts and maybe I need to see someone once services resume.

Oh dear I think I finished the thread off.