Do old fashioned men still exist?

[BooFuckingHoo2]

Was going to NC but fuck it

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps ).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first ) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date .

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

Came here to say I hope not

Ah ok, so he was unable to work due to a mental health crisis for a few years, then went back to work? I would imagine that that was the case.

Your imagination is clearly tainted by your bigotry. How the fuck did you arrive at that conclusion from my post. The mind boggles.

As it turned out my SIL headed up a trade desk in the city and despite him by any yardstick having a successful career she out earned him by quite a bit (lucky them). It made sense for her to be the sole earner for a few years not just because of her salary but because it would be easier for him to pick up his career after a few years out. Less so her. Here is the crazy bit, they sat down and talked about it and both agreed together what to do. She respects him for being the decent bloke that he is, not just for what he financially brings to the table.

My brother was a SAHD, he had a tough time at preschool as many mums either thought at worse that he was a failure in life or at best needed lots of unsolicited advice on how to best raise his kids because men clearly just can't do it right. He was a geophysicist by the way, well regarded in his field and returned to work when the kids were old enough.

Ah ok, so he was unable to work due to a mental health crisis for a few years, then went back to work? I would imagine that that was the case.

Eh?? Conjecture much??

OP, if you met a likely candidate who said he didn't want you to work at all after marriage, or certainly after having children, how would you feel about that? Bearing in mind that a big gap out of the workplace usually puts an end to returning to a senior career like yours.

Agree with PPs in that you don’t need an old fashioned man who wants you to stay at home and won’t pitch in with childcare and housework. You need a kind, supportive man who loves you and respects your decision to be a SAHM as he sees SAHP as a valuable role both for DCs and the household. Being a SAHP won’t work if your partner doesn’t respect your role and also pitch in with their portion of the childcare/housework when they’re not at work.

There are definitely plenty of men around who would appreciate the 'comforts' of a traditional wife. The issues that I see are

• how you ensure he keeps his side of the bargain to provide financial security

• and keeps his high earning capability through this working life, no illness, accidents or industry down turns to handicap him

• without insisting on keeping control of all the money he earns and allowing you 'pocket money' rather than a real say in your own life

• how you avoid being replaced by a younger model

As it happens, I prefer the security of earning my own money so that we are in a position to outsource housework and that I get at least an equal say in how we outsource. If v I'm going to share my life with someone, I prefer good company to financial support. Treating me and any children with decently and kindness rather than just doling out money in his terms.

Why are you so uncertain of your own ability to work and earn value outside the home? Housework is entirely repetitive.

There will be really interesting and worthwhile roles for you out there, much more fun than housework.

Men who are protective of their families and who have strong morals protect their wife's well being and mental health by pulling their own weight and doing half of the wife work. The really, genuinely strong and dominant men I know are ardent feminists tbh and they look after their wives because they are kind and look after everyone, not because they see them as a commodity like 'traditional' men.

^This. Mr Knitfast is like this. He’s a feminist, decent, professional man who respects women. He looks after his family as part of a happy team, with me, in which we have different but equally important roles. He earns more than twice what I do and has never, ever suggested that my career or my role in our family is anything less than equal to his.

OP, hold out for one of these - they do exist, i promise!

I hope you find what you’re looking for, but IME old-fashioned=sexist.

For me, my career has always been a high priority. I have never wanted to work part time or take a backseat to my DH’s job. And that has turned out to be a very good thing indeed, since circumstances have meant that I’ve been the main breadwinner at various times over the years.

Concepts like chivalry or the idea that the man should be the “provider” or “dominant” are alien to me. Above all, I was looking for an equal partner. And that’s exactly the sort of relationship I have.

@Meruem

One thing I am a bit confused about with stay at home dads is that one of the big arguments used in terms of women working is they need to keep their independence, have their own finances etc, in case of divorce. But, I have also seen the scenario on here where because the man was the “primary caregiver”, in the event of a split the mum loses main custody and is the one having to pay maintenance (and you could argue the man is leaving himself vulnerable financially). Now if it came to a choice of having a marriage end where I had to start over financially, or have a marriage end where I lose my kids and have to pay to keep my ex? Well I’d rather have the kids, even if we were starting from scratch. If you both work and share care then obviously it’s different, but If your partner is a house husband aren’t you worried about that scenario? You can say you trust him but then why shouldn’t a woman trust a guy in that case?

This is no different to what happens to dads who aren’t the primary carer. They have to pay to keep their ex and lose their kids. Why is that okay for men but not the other way around?

@category12

I think the ideal is both parents working and sharing care - some friends of mine both worked part-time or compressed hours so they could both have days at home with the dc. I know not everyone has that option but it seems like it's seldom considered, it's usually assumed that only one will make a change.

Completely agree. This should be the default and promoted as the best way to parent and share the load

As for assuming SAHDs have a mental health issue... the mind boggles. If you wouldn’t assume that of SAHMs why on earth would you think it about dads? Dads being active and engaged parents should be completely normal!

@namechange12a

I think the problem is OP, that men these days (quite rightly so), have been brought up to believe women are their equals.

Certainly a nice idea. What happened is that women are expected to continue both roles. They are expected to do the wife work: run the household, take care of the children and keep the house tidy PLUS work because she's, you know, an equal.

In the meantime, the men aren't expected nor do they voluntarily take on, any of the 'wife work' - so it seems as though those 'traditional' aka sexist - attitudes are still going strong.

According to a study carried out by UCL last year, in 93% of households, women do the bulk of the housework. When both were in full time employment, women were five times more likely to do the bulk of household chores.

It's a win win for men.

Exactly this.

OP needs to be careful what she wishes for as she may just end up attracting an entitled man who won't value her contribution at home. However a lot of women in practical terms have such a man anyway! Does it really matter which party he votes for if in practice he has the same entitled nature and doesn't help as he should around the house/with children?? PLUS in many ways they are in a worse position than what the OP is proposing for herself in that not only are they running the home, caring for children which the OP would be doing, they're also working full time! To make matters even worse still, many women, in a move away from being traditional, also do all this while remaining unmarried, so often put themselves in a doubly worse situation if they were to break up down the line.

Honestly, @BooFuckingHoo2 I’m married to one and it’s a total pain in the arse. He’s a good person who isn’t actually misogynistic underneath it all but is so traditional in his outlook that it’s a constant battle of correcting/challenging. There are aspects of our life I like, his high salary, the fact that I work out of choice, that he’s mostly not stingy with what he definitely sees as ‘his’ money. But there are many many tedious things and MN would have a field day of LTB over some things.

Man in late 20s. Did the whole 'traditional', just sort of evolved into it with ex. Ex worked in childcare so she had crap pay, but she enjoyed it and did a degree in it. She went P/T so ended up doing a lot of housework and looking after DC.

I did/do my fair share around the house, but I have finite hours in the day. 'Traditional' works but only if it is backed up by equal recognition that SAHM does not equal 'skivvy'. Tbh i ended up feeling guilty going anywhere socially as she had the 2 devils

yes, women can be SAHMs. But a bloke being a SAHD isn't conventional. There will be some reason for it, even if it's just that he couldn't earn as much as her (who would want a man who was not as successful as themselves, or more? I'd want any man I had to impress me with his abilities and accomplishments in the wider world; be more successful than me, etc.)

Now you ARE being offensive. DH was, in fact, very successful. But his career choice was not conducive to a family, which was MORE important to him. Also, with a few exceptions, the industry in which he works is not well paid. He is no different to a man and a woman where the woman is a nurse and the man a doctor - she can be a wonderful nurse, top of her profession, head of a department etc and yet she'll still be earning so much less than even a mediocre doctor that as a family, if one is going to cut back on work, they may well decide it makes sense to be her. That's how it was with DH and I. Plus, as I said, he's largely a much better SAHP than I am.

Honestly @SoulofanAggron you need to expand your outlook more because your life must be very narrow and a bit sad if your views are so old fashioned (in the least good way).

@Staringpoodleplottingrottie

I didn’t give an opinion on whether it was ok either way round. Just stated my preference and asked that if women are worried about being left in the lurch financially, wouldn’t they be more worried if they could potentially lose their DC? This isn’t a thread or forum discussing men’s issues, plenty of those exist. This is from the perspective of women.

I don't understand why you need a man of the kind you are describing but I think this is partially because to me the idea of being fully independent, earning 50k working 3 days a week, having my own home and car and the ability to have disposable income is the absolute dream.

With this kind of man, I think you need to think about why you want this type of partner and make sure you are happy as you are before getting into a relationship. Is it the money, status, parental/friends and family expectations of your partner, the rich lifestyle (I'm imagining here, I don't know how the super rich let alone 50k earners live), the idea that he'd be sufficiently educated for you? Would he make a good father or a Disney dad? Wouldn't he be likely to cheat (this one is based on Mumsnet)? Would you imagine you'd be a lady of leisure with a gardener, cleaner, nanny and is this an aspiration you are looking for? Did you grow up in a traditional family and are you looking to emulate it with your own family? What needs of yours would he fulfill and vice versa?

My DH is one of those
Good looking tall masculine and very protective of his family
But he will happily do the housework cook & clean and play with nieces and nephews ( our kids are grown up )
He’s great at DIY and very practical probably the last of a dying breed 😂
Crap with tech though
In fact he’s much better at housework than me
But he is also someone that you wouldn’t want to fuck about with but he also is kind to my parents and neighbours & friends and is far more sociable than me

Married 20 years now and I wouldn’t change him one bit

@WineIsMyCarb

Usually a man who has the opportunity, will and inclination to have a high paying demanding job and want to be the 'traditional man' will want and possibly need the domestic back up of a 'full time wife'. I come from a family of these. In my opinion for the right people that full time wife and traditional husband role are valuable in their own right. However, don't expect any of the following from the "traditional man": Help in the night with baby Many nights out with girlfriends while daddy does bathtime and bedtime - many traditional men will expect a hot meal and some company of an evening, not to be on their own with children after a busy week at work The house has to be pretty clean and tidy all the time. You may well have a cleaner and gardener but there is no "kids were driving me crazy, it's one of those days" days You will be expected to stay in decent shape and look 'together' as part of the role.

But you'll probably have a lovely lifestyle once the children are at school. Private school, nice car, bug house (to keep clean and tidy) nice clothes and holidays etc.

But you could get a lot of those by being a more equal split.

Agreed. And you need to understand that basically you have to do what you're told, and conform to a very strict set of social rules.

@BlingLoving I wouldn't bother being offended by someone who wants to be inferior to their partner and loses respect for people who have poor mental health. Sounds like your DH is much nicer than her perfect man

Wow OP, you're aiming to punch pretty high for a chubby girl.

Best of British 👍

Wow OP, you're aiming to punch pretty high for a chubby girl

Big girls do it better

Best of British

What does that mean?

What another poster said about looking at yourself and your internalised misogyny is a valid point.
Choosing a man to have children with is so important . Not only are you are tied to them for the rest of your life but you would want them to be the best father they can be. You are actively seeking a man, as you call it ' old fashioned' or (outdated more like) to want the woman to do all the domestic chores, work and take care of the children. And you want to do it too!! How on earth is that attractive or appealing? Or being the best possible father? Most men, even when working full time, will do the best to share this. Because they want to and it's part of marriage. The ones that don't are the dickheads mumsnet is full of women complaining about.
And to walk into that life as something you want and choose rather than build as a team. Absolute bonkers.

I wonder if there are really women who would hang around a gym near a big law firm.

If it was a MC law firm or investment bank they would have a gym on site so you can't infiltrate that way.