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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abandoned in your fifties?

225 replies

Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 20:31

I’ve been divorced for a few years and last year I met a new DP. We are both in our mid fifties with now grown up children. We want to make a proper life together but his XW is so angry and bitter about ‘being abandoned’ that I’m not sure we will be able to. Will this ever get better?

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 09/08/2020 20:33

Whats it got to do with her? Surely he isnt still in touch with her, if the children are grown up.

rvby · 09/08/2020 20:33

How are her feelings standing in the way of your DP's/your desires? Can you give practical examples?

crimsonlake · 09/08/2020 20:34

I think you need to provide further detail of the circumstances...are they divorced would be a good start?

PurrBox · 09/08/2020 20:35

When did he ditch her? What are the circumstances?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 09/08/2020 20:36

Is it a recent break up and were you the OW? It all seems very raw for her.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 20:47

No I’m not the OW we met about three months after he moved out. Their children are young adults and still live with her so they can’t cut all contact. She believes she has been a devoted wife and mother and so he should have stayed and worked things through even though he was very unhappy.

OP posts:
BeChuille · 09/08/2020 20:50

Did he abandon her?
Is her bitterness and betrayal the logical consequence of how she was treated?

He needs to not drag you in to it if he doesn't want to lose you.

I reckon he'll be on to somebody new soon though. :-/

rvby · 09/08/2020 20:52

@Mycatandme

No I’m not the OW we met about three months after he moved out. Their children are young adults and still live with her so they can’t cut all contact. She believes she has been a devoted wife and mother and so he should have stayed and worked things through even though he was very unhappy.
None of this explains how she is standing in anyone's way.

Is he putting the brakes on your relationship based on her feelings/not wanting to upset her? Just trying to understand what the problem is.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 20:54

They tried to work things through on their own and with a counsellor before he left. About eighteen months of trying in all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 20:57

She has tried to get children family and friends to cut contact so he must choose between a new relationship or the people he loves.

OP posts:
bigchris · 09/08/2020 20:58

They have only been broken up for 3 months

I would take things very slowly if I were you

How are the adult children feeling about it all?

Original poster
Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 20:59

Sorry they broke up 15 months ago, I met him three months after that so a year ago.

OP posts:
Redcups64 · 09/08/2020 21:00

Kind of does sound like she was abandoned though.

There isn’t anything you can do, he has to deal with it really and decide how to move forward.

BeChuille · 09/08/2020 21:09

From her perspective, he's out there milling his way through new partners while she is left wondering what the hell her future is.

It would be unreasonable to expect her to be gracious and content so soon after the rug was ripped from under her.

That might be inconvenient, but it's the truth.

FinnyStory · 09/08/2020 21:10

IME people with monster exes did at least contribute to creating that monster.

If he's genuinely "free" now, this wouldn't need to be an issue for you

Pacif1cDogwood · 09/08/2020 21:15

You cannot change or even influence how somebody else feels or deals with a life change.

It took me over 2 years to feel less broken about my H's infidelity and ultimate leaving me. Our divorce is pending and is clearly the right thing to do but I cannot help but still grieve the loss of what I thought I had.

Like PP, I do wonder why her pain is an issue for you? How is your partner dealing with it?

Pacif1cDogwood · 09/08/2020 21:17

BeChuille, I am not at all 'gracious', however reserve my wrath for my H who was the person who made promises. His OH should have her head examined to put up with him does not owe me anything and I don't have feelings one way or another towards her. I cannot imagine asking mutual friends to 'choose' between H and I.

Trust me I am not a saint, I just know that I deserve better than what he was able to give.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 21:19

He’s never said she is a monster, I’ve heard her shouting on the phone though. I guess I’m asking if anyone in this situation ever came to terms with it? Is there anything he could do? Will it be better in future?

OP posts:
Sssloou · 09/08/2020 21:27

Why did their marriage break down?

Have you met their DCs?

Does he have a good RS with the DCs?

Is he divorced? Do you live together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2020 22:41

IME people with monster exes did at least contribute to creating that monster.

Do you say that to women on here who claim to have hideous exes?

OP, his children are adults, their relationships with him are up to them. No need for contact between him and his ex at all. If he’s really over it and ready to move on with you he won’t care what she says or does. He needs a lawyer and to sort the divorce. Why are there shouty phone calls? Just no need for any of that. If he’s still stuck in the middle of drama and conflict I’d slow things right down and tell him to contact you when things are done, dusted and calm.

funnylittlefloozie · 10/08/2020 06:58

I wonder if he slightly stretched the truth to you about the length of time they have been separated. This level of overt anger seems extreme after 15 months, but more understandable if its actually a newer breakup complete with newer woman.

Why is he listening to shouty phonecalls? He should just tell his ex that he will talk to her calmly but as soon as she gets "shouty", he should just hang up.

His passivity sounds worrying. Are you quite sure hes the man for you?

Original poster
Mycatandme · 10/08/2020 07:25

So the phone calls about a children’s family event where she doesn’t want them both to be there as she won’t be in the same room as him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mycatandme · 10/08/2020 07:45

I guess I hoped there might be some Mumsnetters who have been through this and know if anything their ex said or did that helped in the end. When I divorced it was truly awful but I was happy when XH found a new partner, we were amicable quite quickly. With DP we did meet quite quickly after he left (3m) but that was a year ago now. We stay with each other when children aren’t around, we don’t live together, we don’t go to family things together. I don’t see how we will get to next stage.

OP posts:
Bosekct · 10/08/2020 07:56

Some people go nuts after a break up and she sounds like one of them. Even time may not heal. I would change DP if I were you to one with less baggage.

sunflowertulips · 10/08/2020 07:57

I'm 4 years on from my divorce and still grieving. It's NOT easy to move on when your husband immediately heads off for something new and shiny and you are left to pick up the pieces, build a totally new life, appease the children and answer endless questions from close family and friends.
The wife could take years to get over this and who would blame her? At the end of the day, you DP will always slate the ex just to make himself feel better.