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Original poster

Abandoned in your fifties?

225 replies

Mycatandme · 09/08/2020 20:31

I’ve been divorced for a few years and last year I met a new DP. We are both in our mid fifties with now grown up children. We want to make a proper life together but his XW is so angry and bitter about ‘being abandoned’ that I’m not sure we will be able to. Will this ever get better?

OP posts:
MrsMcTats · 13/08/2020 15:33

@Mycatandme I think that's what you need to address with your DP - that there is a long term prospect of living a drama free life in the future. Keeping you hidden almost makes things worse. It's easy for their mum to make you out as the big bad OW, when they're not given the chance to meet you and assess for themselves. When your DP feels the time is right, it would be good of him to say that you are important to him and he'd like you all to meet. Don't expect to be welcomed with open arms, but at some point a first step is needed to normalising the new set-up and moving forward. You need to be clear in your own mind how long you're willing to wait.

georgeandthedragon · 13/08/2020 15:53

[quote Needtogetbackinthesack]@Notcoolmum but what you're effectively saying is that it's ok for her to ruin her exH relationship 15 months after he left her.

If a woman posted in here saying she didn't love her H anymore, everyone would say life's too short and she should LTB. If she then came back in 15 months and said he was still shouting at her down the phone because she left him, 99.9% of responses would say he's being unreasonable. I'm a HUGE advocate for women's rights but this seems like a massive double standard. Regardless of how upset she is she shouldn't be shouting at him, it's abusive. It would be understandable for a few weeks - still wrong, but understandable- but 15 months is insane.

Plus if it was a woman who LTB and was dating after 3 months I'm not sure anyone would tell her she was wrong. The fact is if he left her then he probably checked out of the relationship months or years before, I know I did. I haven't been gone 15 months, am not divorced, and am 3 months into a wonderful relationship. You can't put a timeline on when someone else 'should' stay dating.

It's definitely possible this guy is a massive twat, and the exW is 100% entitled to spend the rest of her life feeling however she chooses. What she's not entitled to do is verbally abuse her exH just because he didn't want to stay in a marriage that didn't make him happy.[/quote]
Couldn't agree more

Notcoolmum · 13/08/2020 16:13

How is she ruining the relationship? This hasn't been defined. She's upset. Doesn't want him at family events and his kids (as adults) appear to have their own reasons for not seeing him. How is the EW ruining his new relationship?

He's divorced. Has his house and agreed a financial settlement. Sees the OP regularly. He doesn't have any on going childcare arrangements to agree or child hand overs to sort so he doesn't have to be in contact with her. There can't be a significant birthday or wedding every week.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 13/08/2020 19:23

@MrsMcTats @Snooper22 yes I think time for me to get slightly more involved with children if possible and see if they will gradually come round. Also maybe time for him to stop feeling so bad and tell XW he won’t deal with her directly any more.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 14/08/2020 04:23

His DC are adults. It's up to them if they want to see him or want him at family events.
Has nothing to do with his EW.
They're also at an age where spending time with parents and obligated family events are down on the priority list.
He can talk to his children directly.
No reason to talk to her or blame her.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 15/08/2020 09:45

There’s an interesting thread today about women who feel really jealous of their XHs new DPs even though splits were mutual and amicable.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 15/08/2020 10:53

Op, what is it you want? It sounds like you want a relationship with his kids and they're just not ready. You say you already have a fulfilling life with a good job and children and now a boyfriend so why push yourself onto his children if that's not what they want? These things take time. It sounds like you have no empathy for the ex or for the children.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 15/08/2020 11:13

@StealthNinjaMum no definitely not I’m just finding it helpful to see how people are advising on other thread the ways they managed to get over it. It’s interesting that you think that wondering if I will ever meet children after a year’s relationship and advising DP he should not take offence that he is expected to meet is family on his own is forcing myself on them. Ultimately a normal life where I meet them occasionally but am not completely excluded firm his family would be fine. I’ve no plans to be the invisible woman forever.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 15/08/2020 11:40

But @Mycatandme just because you are ready doesn't mean they are. You are viewing this from your perspective on timescales. A year to you seems reasonable. They are viewing it from theirs theirs. A lifetime of their parents together and now a new GF on the scene. They know about you so you aren't hidden. But it is their choice, as adults, if and when they want to engage with you.

My teenager doesn't want to engage with my BF. He has seen me hurt in the past. And has seen relationships don't work. It makes things difficult and impacts on how often I see my BF and what we can do together. But I respect my son's feelings and so I compromise. My BF has never said it's an issue for him. He would like it to be different but he understands we can't rush how my DC feels.

StealthNinjaMum · 15/08/2020 11:41

I'm not trying to quote you out of context but it's this bit looks like you're not letting things take their natural course.

I think time for me to get slightly more involved with children if possible and see if they will gradually come round.

If you were my real life friend I would just say chill out and let things happen when they happen. If there are no pressing family events (weddings, graduations etc) then this is a non issue. You also have to be aware that you might never be invited to those occasions but that's just the way it is.

You say that you met your boyfriend on a hobby he started after he moved out but I'm sure many people will feel you started the hobby because you already knew each other.

BTW I am in a 15 month month relationship with an amazing man. I have had to introduce him to dc because my stbexh never looks after them. But at a snail's pace. He isn't invited to 'family event's and hasn't met my parents and he is perfectly relaxed about the pace. We have a future together and one day will move in together but at a pace that suits everyone.

LiBan · 15/08/2020 11:48

ultimately, your dilemma won't have anything to do with his x. I agree that you need to let things evolve at a slower pace. But in the end, his children will have their own perspective and if they don't want to play happy families with their father's new girlfriend, that will be their perspective that they're entitled to. Their father will either allow them to avoid you totally if that's what he's most comfortable with or he will try to build relationships slowly.

It's easier to let his kids avoid you totally and I can see that that is the easiest path.

noses11 · 15/08/2020 13:02

Ask the former Mrs Johnson.

Techway · 15/08/2020 16:05

@Notcoolmum, I glad you have posted as my dc is similar, refuses to meet Ex's gf and they have been together 2 years. I know I will be blamed but my dc, especially teen ds, just doesn't want to meet. He doesn't see any benefit for him and feels it will erode his time with his dad. I think he also knows that the gf may not always be around so why invest.

I struggle with this and have tried to encourage him but he is adamant. He knows she is in his Dads life, he phones her, talks about her but ds can't see why she needs to meet him. She doesn't attend his family events with dc but there hadn't been much that would include her. She has met his family separately.

I think dating in your 50s is very different to younger years and the children especially if older/adult have to have the choice.

I am happily uninvolved with my bf's family life and see it as a massive benefit. I have my own family and children so life is extremely busy without having to schedule his side as well!

Can you turn this into a positive rather than looking at it as negative? I don't feel invisible at all as I have met his family, just not dc, who are admittedly younger.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2020 16:17

@noses11

Ask the former Mrs Johnson.
If you mean Ms Wheeler, hardly blameless herself...
Sssloou · 15/08/2020 22:09

This thread isn’t about the GF (OP) being invited to her BFs adult children’s lives events - the OP started this thread because the adult children were asked to choose between either their own DM or own DF being at their family event.

She was looking for help to resolve this specific issue. If the family are still at this stage - then they are a v v long way off from including the OP (GF) into joint family events.

But at the end of the day these grown adult children (post uni, with jobs and their own homes) will have to take a decision to comply with their DM ultimatum or call her bluff.

What have they decided to do OP?

Has there not been any occasion in the past 15 months that required their Mum and Dad to be in the same room? Have they not seen each other since he left 15 month ago.

Original poster
Mycatandme · 17/08/2020 16:44

So he’s decided to say to the children that we are in a serous relationship and he would like them to meet me. I was interested to read other threads about children not seeing their dads who are involved with new partner’s families. I’ve begun to worry they might think he’s only interested in my family who we see plenty of.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 18/08/2020 13:19

That's good OP. I think it's right he approaches them and takes the lead. If they have a good relationship I'm sure they will want to meet you even if it takes some time.

tarasmalatarocks · 18/08/2020 19:27

I actually split with my Ex h but given that he was ‘devastated’ , I certainly was extremely hurt at how quick he ‘moved on’. (6 weeks) . Problem is OP nothing you do or say will change anything— so you just have to live with it if she’s not gracious about it (I was) or just don’t be with him

Valenciaoranges · 18/08/2020 23:41

I don’t think the OP lacks empathy: she has stated what she appears knows clearly and concisely. She has acknowledged she doesn’t know all the facts and that there may be more to the story.
I don’t understand why some women don’t work when a marriage breaks up, particularly when children are older. The EW has a profession so why not get a job? I have raised my child alone for many years, retrained so that I have a profession and can provide for us. It hasn’t been easy, especially as I suffer with poor mental health (clinically diagnosed), but I work full time.

Mintychoc1 · 19/08/2020 00:32

Op do you think the exW doesn’t believe you only met after 3 months, and thinks you were the secret OW?

Forflipssake2 · 19/08/2020 00:49

@PiataMaiNei he was divorced and living in his own house. Why are you trying to make out OP was the OW?

SueblueNZ · 19/08/2020 05:50

@BeChuille

From her perspective, he's out there milling his way through new partners while she is left wondering what the hell her future is.

It would be unreasonable to expect her to be gracious and content so soon after the rug was ripped from under her.

That might be inconvenient, but it's the truth.

"Milling his way through new partners" ... this makes him sound like a rampant dater. From what we have been told, and have no reason to doubt, he has had one new partner for a year. Maybe the ex just needs to get a grip. OK she is feeling aggrieved at "being abandoned" but she is now separated and needs to deal with it and start rebuilding her life. She is a mature woman and needs to find her dignity and pride. Most people who start new relationships later in life come with baggage ~ I'm an exception; I have no kids of my own and have a tiny trouble-free family. It seems to me that if OP and her new guy are to be able to make a go of this (after a year of trying) he needs to absolutely minimise or completely cut ties with the ex, while maintaining his relationship with the young adult kids. This might involve making family arrangements via text or emails to avoid the potential for shouty phonecalls. If he is engulfed by guilt or whatever to the extent that the new relationship cannot develop further, OP might need to send him on his way as he is in the right position and headspace.
KatherineJaneway · 19/08/2020 06:08

I don’t understand why some women don’t work when a marriage breaks up, particularly when children are older.

Some don't want to or have previously agreed with their partner they never want to work.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 19/08/2020 06:13

Well said SueblueNZ

I don’t understand why some women don’t work when a marriage breaks up, particularly when children are older.

Some don't want to or have previously agreed with their partner they never want to work.

^ This is such a typical example of female entitlement. If this were a man no leeway would be given.. he would be a 'cocklodger' you would be well 'shot of'

LirBan · 19/08/2020 07:54

It is very hard to get back in to the workplace as well. A lot of people who manage it dismiss that reality. At 44-47 i was desperately job hunting. Feeling simultaneously judged for not working and also totally rejected by a society that only values youth in women. So exasperating. I did manage it eventually and have a bit of job security which was so important to me knowing that i couldnt put myself through these herculean efforts to find a job every 18 months or so until i was retirement age. It was soul destroying.