Page 3 | Abandoned in your fifties?

PamDemic · 10/08/2020 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinnyStory · 10/08/2020 19:40

I think you've identified the issue there OP, even if you have dismissed it. ExW spent a lifetime building that comfortable lifestyle with him, if by that you mean she doesn't have an equivalent income because she raised his children for him.

Three months after leaving her with those children he's moved on and she's lost everything she worked for emotionally and physically. I imagine she is devastated and furious.

JamieLeeCurtains · 10/08/2020 20:06

And don't for a minute think the economic fallout for their mother doesn't impact on the young adult DC still living with her, OP.

What's she supposed to do? Chuck them out and live in a studio flat?

Totickleamockingbird · 10/08/2020 20:15

ExW spent a lifetime building that comfortable lifestyle with him
This is the main thing here, isn’t it? Once a woman has given her best years and earning potential to enable her spouse’s career, she has a huge, if not the bigger, stake in all assets and future earning potential. This is why OP’s age is relevant here too. The general rule of thumb is that men like these will run to a younger woman, a double whammy for the ex wife.

JamieLeeCurtains · 10/08/2020 20:43

@Mycatandme

I’ve been divorced for a few years and last year I met a new DP. We are both in our mid fifties with now grown up children. We want to make a proper life together but his XW is so angry and bitter about ‘being abandoned’ that I’m not sure we will be able to. Will this ever get better?

OP says they're both mid fifties.

ravenmum · 10/08/2020 20:48

I'm pretty pissed off with my ex that I lost my financially "safe" future of living in my own, nice home and now have a very low-budget retirement to look forward to. It's natural to be disappointed when the future you thought you had finally achieved is taken away. And looking back, I realise that yes, my exh benefited from me doing the childcare and my career came second.

I have made an effort to do stuff with his family and that kind of thing, but it was very hard at first. I remember being pissed off with him for using my little local supermarket, as I didn't want to bump into him there! Time will help, though, and with any luck she might find something/someone else to occupy her time.

How do you feel he supports you in this? Does he apologise for the hassle or just say he can't help it, it's her fault? Does he bring you into it or try to keep you out of it? Do you think he should be more assertive and simply introduce you to his children?

billy1966 · 10/08/2020 21:00

Really OP?

What do you really mean?
His perspective?
Or your own?

She's built a life with him, raising THEIR family, and NOW after she MAY have carried the bulk of the load, he is disappointed and bails?

Really OP?
Christ, I bet she's pissed?

Again, I warn you against getting in the midst of this, especially if his narrative is "she's in her 50's, has raised our family, I'm done, and she's bitter because of it"....🙄....I bet she is!

Original poster

Mycatandme · 10/08/2020 21:06

Thanks to all of you again, this is all very interesting to hear. His children live independently they have been to university and have jobs. They’ve both got decent homes but not anything grand. He had a highly paid stressful job and his health suffered a great deal, they have argued for many years because he wanted her to return to work so they could share the responsibility for funding family life. Or he wanted to downsize and cut out the extravagant things. He is perfectly happy to live a simpler life.

OP posts:

FinnyStory · 10/08/2020 21:09

OP, I really think you need to consider that you have only heard one side of this story. I'll guarantee there's another and the truth is probably somewhere between the two.

RoseTintedAtuin · 10/08/2020 21:26

Hi OP. Theses things are so dependent on circumstances. Luckily his dc are grown and so there is no need for you to take on a parental figure to them which would be very difficult.
She does sound like she is holding onto her hurt and there is little your dp can do about that, she will be ready when she’s ready but he needs to take care of his situation and so Low contact with her would be best. When it comes to family events again it may be awkward. In these cases I think time is a factor (although I don’t think 15 months is a short amount of time) as is how committed your relationship is (harder to refuse a wife attendance than a gf). To some extent this is something that everyone has to live with and should ease with time.
If he is a good man and treats you well then do the same and support him. No magic bullet but support through difficult situations is the crux of relationships. Good Luck

Original poster

Mycatandme · 10/08/2020 21:32

@finnystory I agree with that and ultimately it’s about if I really want to be part of someone else’s drama. I stupidly thought that meeting someone divorced with grown up children would be straightforward. I really don’t believe though that they ever agreed that he would be the sole earner and his health has definitely suffered.

To everyone else that says steer clear, I am beginning to think you are right.

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Original poster

Mycatandme · 10/08/2020 21:40

@RoseTintedAtuin yes he is a good man and I think he’s tried his best to sort this out. I’m happy to stay in the background but I’m not sure it is enough. I was happy on my own, life a lot simpler.

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billy1966 · 10/08/2020 21:44

OP,
You sound nice and you don't need this drama or "his" version of what happened.

You have cleverly posted here.

You don't need to end things today...however, be very circumspect about what you hear, believe and accept.

You have gone through your own challenges, you deserve a chance of a peaceful future...be prepared to move on if this proves too much hassle...sooner rather than later.

NebbiaZanzare · 10/08/2020 21:45

We’d like to have a normal life together in a year or two.

Maybe make your peace with that timeframe for your emotional investment with a fixed point for a review to see if the status quo has evolved into something you can realistically live with.

Neither you, nor he, have any control over how long his ex wife will stay hurt and angry. Nor how that will manifest over time.

But you do control how long you are prepared to invite that kind of dynamic into your life without strong evidence that the end is in sight. It can help in terms of stamina to firmly grasp the steering wheel of your destiny by setting limits on what you are not prepared to tolerate in your life beyond a certain point.

It's a hell of a wrench to follow through if it does not come good. But personally I eventually came a certain peace through acknowledging I'm entitled to set my own limits and claim them if/when the time comes.

We'd all like a happy ending. To be normal. But sometimes when somebody feels (justifiably or not according to personal opinions) profoundly, persistently wounded the closest any of us can get to that is to accept that No Pain Road is not on our map.

Sometimes we get the crap map where the only choices are Unbearable Life Avenue, or Gutwrench Lane.

Original poster

Mycatandme · 10/08/2020 22:01

@NebbiaZanzare @billy1966 you make good points. If there really is nothing for it but to wait and see then I could give it a timeline. As others have posted earlier, definitely no living together until things calm down. I was very happy on my own so I can do it again.

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RhiantheMunter · 10/08/2020 22:53

I'm sorry but if he met you 3 months after their breakup then yes she probably does feel abandoned. 3 months is nothing when grieving a long marriage.
After 3 months he's entitled to do what he wants with his life but it's very very early days after a break up of a long marriage. I imagine she was devastated.

I'm not saying its ok for her to act badly but she is grieving her future, her marriage and relationship. Even now 15 months on, it's quite fresh for her.

Sadly you will probably be a scapegoat as well as him if she's seriously mentally messed up. She may well despise you/your relationship because she maybe thought and hoped for a reconciliation (however unlikely that might have been). Your existence gas thrown a spanner in the works there for her.

She's probably really struggling.

Sssloou · 10/08/2020 23:17

This is odd. If the DCs are fully grown adults with their own homes - then surely they decide who does and doesn’t attend their functions?

You said he is been blocked from attending these - is that correct or is it you who have not been invited to attend these events?

Pacif1cDogwood · 10/08/2020 23:29

I agree, this problem is likely the OP's partner's and the adult children's to solve.
And time passing might help take the edge off.

OldWomanSaysThis · 11/08/2020 02:37

My parents divorced when I was a young adult. I never referred to my DF's subsequent wives as "step mothers" - I only met each one once. I thought of them as my dad's current wife or my dad's current girlfriend. There were very few social functions where both parents were in attendance (maybe 1?). My Mother was furious for YEARS, but she never tormented his partner du jour directly. I don't think it impacted his relationships with women. He just went off to a whole new separate life.

I wouldn't end the relationship over this. It'll get better. She'll find her new tribe of other 1st wives who were dumped when the youngest child turned 17-19.

Is the divorce final?

Techway · 11/08/2020 03:40

When you met him I assume he was still married and not divorced?

When was the divorce finalised because I think that is Day1 and recovery starts from then.

Please do listen to others and don't just believe his narrative. He stayed with her so she must have many redeeming features. Don't fall into thinking he is a good and she isn't. If he has held down a demanding career he won't be a victim or walk over.

Ime when they there is an issue with dc and a non resident parent then I suspect that your bf has played a signifcant part in that relationship detoriation. I only know this because my dc do not want to meet their dads gf, absolutely nothing to do with me but they just have zero interest.

The reasons are complex but mostly because he doesn't have a good relationship with them and they don't feel comfortable with him, let alone the dynamics of a gf. He has tried to push her onto events and even holidays but they would prefer to not see him if he pushes his agenda.

I know Ex will rather blame me than accept or admit that he doesn't have a good relationship with his dc. The relationship he has is superficial rather than a real connection..but they also think he can act like an arse. If his dc are adult, trust that they know him better than you.

I have a friend who's now husband has lost all contact with his adult children and only now after 10 years can he admit that he behaved badly and caused the rift.

I think he rushed a new relationship and is now paying the price for moving too quickly. Did you meet via OLD?

JamieLeeCurtains · 11/08/2020 05:57

@Mycatandme

Thanks to all of you again, this is all very interesting to hear. His children live independently they have been to university and have jobs. They’ve both got decent homes but not anything grand. He had a highly paid stressful job and his health suffered a great deal, they have argued for many years because he wanted her to return to work so they could share the responsibility for funding family life. Or he wanted to downsize and cut out the extravagant things. He is perfectly happy to live a simpler life.

That's not what you said earlier in your thread, OP.

You said the DC are young adults who still live with their mum, which is why you got the comments you got.

JamieLeeCurtains · 11/08/2020 05:58

@Mycatandme

No I’m not the OW we met about three months after he moved out. Their children are young adults and still live with her so they can’t cut all contact. She believes she has been a devoted wife and mother and so he should have stayed and worked things through even though he was very unhappy.

This one ^^

KatherineJaneway · 11/08/2020 06:30

The issue is you don't know why she is acting as she is acting. I suspect she would tell a different story about the break up.

FinnyStory · 11/08/2020 07:19

That's a fairly material difference in the story.

Is he divorced? If not he (and you) may find out her lifestyle doesn't suffer as much as he thinks it will or as he's currently letting her think it will.

Original poster

Mycatandme · 11/08/2020 07:43

@JamieLeeCurtains sorry I have to be a bit vague as I don’t won’t her to recognise herself if she uses MN. Yes they have their own places but are often there for weekends or overnight in their home town. @Sssloou yes of course they are free to choose who comes but knowing there will be upset and a terrible atmosphere it’s hard for them. I am not invited and accept that and would encourage DP to go even if he is uncomfortable. But one day I would hope to be part of their family occasions.

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