Abandoned in your fifties?

[Mycatandme]

I’ve been divorced for a few years and last year I met a new DP. We are both in our mid fifties with now grown up children. We want to make a proper life together but his XW is so angry and bitter about ‘being abandoned’ that I’m not sure we will be able to. Will this ever get better?

This is too raw for them. It is too soon and too painful.
I don't think your bf should be insisting the children meet you, or forcing them to accept you, this will almost certainly result in them digging their heels in even more.

Be compassionate about his wife, she sounds in a terrible way. Enjoy your life together and leave the family to recover and heal alone.

There is no reason for you to go to family events yet, no need to cause any kind of scene. Just bide your time and keep the door open.

In six months things may have improved, invite the children for lunch, spend time listening to them and getting to know them slowly. Take it at their speed not yours.

This is about them not you, always remember that their family has been shattered by this - you are a newcomer and not a welcome one when they are in the midst of picking up the pieces. But if you are patient and kind, then it will work out in the end. It takes years and years in some cases to get over such a long marriage, not months.

Stay out of it op. It is my best advice. Have fun times with your new relationships and let your bf sort out his family.

@Friendsoftheearth

This is too raw for them. It is too soon and too painful. I don't think your bf should be insisting the children meet you, or forcing them to accept you, this will almost certainly result in them digging their heels in even more.

Be compassionate about his wife, she sounds in a terrible way. Enjoy your life together and leave the family to recover and heal alone.

There is no reason for you to go to family events yet, no need to cause any kind of scene. Just bide your time and keep the door open.

In six months things may have improved, invite the children for lunch, spend time listening to them and getting to know them slowly. Take it at their speed not yours.

This is about them not you, always remember that their family has been shattered by this - you are a newcomer and not a welcome one when they are in the midst of picking up the pieces. But if you are patient and kind, then it will work out in the end. It takes years and years in some cases to get over such a long marriage, not months.

Stay out of it op. It is my best advice. Have fun times with your new relationships and let your bf sort out his family.

Excellent post.

@katherinejaneway if circumstances change, then surely one may have to work to maintain the lifestyle etc? I don’t subscribe to the idea that the other party should have to continue to pay for everything when a marriage breaks down, unless it is a situation with young children or perhaps military where it would have been very difficult to work. I’m sure lots of women don’t want to work, but they have to.
I do think that a home etc should be provided and money if a person has sacrificed earning potential, but after that, they should work.

@Friendsoftheearth

This is too raw for them. It is too soon and too painful. I don't think your bf should be insisting the children meet you, or forcing them to accept you, this will almost certainly result in them digging their heels in even more.

Be compassionate about his wife, she sounds in a terrible way. Enjoy your life together and leave the family to recover and heal alone.

There is no reason for you to go to family events yet, no need to cause any kind of scene. Just bide your time and keep the door open.

In six months things may have improved, invite the children for lunch, spend time listening to them and getting to know them slowly. Take it at their speed not yours.

This is about them not you, always remember that their family has been shattered by this - you are a newcomer and not a welcome one when they are in the midst of picking up the pieces. But if you are patient and kind, then it will work out in the end. It takes years and years in some cases to get over such a long marriage, not months.

Stay out of it op. It is my best advice. Have fun times with your new relationships and let your bf sort out his family.

Totally this. He moved on very quickly after their split and she is still obviously reeling from it.

@KatherineJaneway

I don’t understand why some women don’t work when a marriage breaks up, particularly when children are older.

Some don't want to or have previously agreed with their partner they never want to work.

Fortunately a judge in a divorce would not agree with you there .

Fortunately a judge in a divorce would not agree with you there.

@VivaMiltonKeynes I was giving options as to why a woman might not wor after a marriage brak up, not saying I approve of those options.

[quote Valenciaoranges]@katherinejaneway if circumstances change, then surely one may have to work to maintain the lifestyle etc? I don’t subscribe to the idea that the other party should have to continue to pay for everything when a marriage breaks down, unless it is a situation with young children or perhaps military where it would have been very difficult to work. I’m sure lots of women don’t want to work, but they have to.
I do think that a home etc should be provided and money if a person has sacrificed earning potential, but after that, they should work.[/quote]
@Valenciaoranges

Of course. I gave options as to why someone might not work after the marriage ends, not that that is what I would do or approve of.

Every divorce is different.

Sorry that sounded stupidly trite ^^

But I hope you know what I mean. Every marriage has its own agreements, arrangements, length of time, children's needs, future planning, career sacrifices, pension pot(s) - there's no set formula when that complex legal contract unilaterally ends.

He needs to tell her very clearly that it is over, and he will not be coming back, and she should only ever contact him if necessary (linked to the children). This needs to go in writing in an email so that she reads it 10 times which she will, and cc you, so she understands you two are the team now. Also change all his photos on social media to one of you and him. Even better, move away, if possible. Put distance in between them. She is fighting because she is still hoping he will come back. He needs to get divorced and cut her hopes of him returning.

Otherwise, you'll be waiting for her to find someone else, which can be a long time. A lot of women in her shoes lack the imagination to rebuild a new life for themselves and cling on dearly to the one they had. Take care and I agree on the post about going slow, as he may return to her.

Good god, I have never read anything so callous.

Follow this advice if you want OP, but it really puzzles me why one human being would do that to someone whom they loved enough to marry, let alone be the mother of their children.

Lovestone this would be abject humiliation, how would you feel?

I am still confused by the OPs motivations in starting this thread. She said it was because the xW refused to be in the same room as the xH at an upcoming family event and was making the adult DC choose between their DF or DM.

Obviously if the marriage breakup is still
at this emotional stage where DF/DM can’t be in the same room then introducing a GF (OP) was unlikely to be the right time.

OP who did the adult DCs choose for the family event?

@MaybeDoctor it would be callous if they just broke up. But OP said they tried to sort their problems for 18 months with counselling, and failed. And that he has been gone 15 months, 12 of those in a new relationship where he is really happy. That equals nearly 3 years of problems and sadness to no avail. It is time for her to let go.

@wewereliars have been in this situation on both sides. As the wife, I only let go of my husband after 18 months when he cut me out of his life and told me he loved his girlfriend. Until then, every message, phone call, visit, even argument was a touch point that simply kept the relationship going, in some way. Entertaining her just isn't kind anymore after a year, it continues her pain and stops her from moving on.

@Lovestoned very drastic and not for me BUT I have taken advice from this thread to ask DP to make it clear to his children that I am part of his life and he would like them to meet me when they are ready. I’ve also suggested that he tells XW that he will not answer calls if she keeps ringing him (what was name of hotel they once stayed in? Where are specific photos of children etc). He’s probably still emotionally involved, he probably feels guilty. Event is postponed due to Covid, there was never any intention for me to go, hopefully they will each attend but I feel sorry for children having to deal with her emotional manipulation. I am sorry for who have posted in this thread about what it’s like being children of warring bitter parents.

Interesting other thread in relationships ‘When is too soon for a bit of a fling?’ In which OP who is barely even separated is being told it’s never too soon, life is too short, she should go for it. I wonder if DP was a woman and had posted that after 15 years of enforced celibacy in a long marriage and completing a nasty divorce not sure when to date - what would MNetters have replied to that?

@KatherineJaneway these days judges would not award spousal maintenance and expect both of married couple to work, even if the couple had agreed that one party would not work. This is definitely not the case here!

OP I work and I get spousal maintenance - divorced a few years ago. It's more complicated and nuanced than 'judges don't award spousal maintenance anymore'

@Mycatandme Quoting from the letter my husband sent me:

"I'm in love with (Sarah), I want to be with her. I want to build a future with her and continue building a happy and healthy relationship with her. I look forward to going on holiday with her, and to one day moving in with her. I need you to accept that and for us to finally find an end to the many years of pain, hurt and fighting that lie behind us. This means I will not be having contact with you anymore, unless you are in trouble or need help and then of course I will be there for you. We need to find peace, and accept our relationship is in the past now. "

It doesn't have to be mean, but it does need to be clear. This hurt a lot, and then I let go a couple of weeks later, after 18 months of little messages, calls, touch points in hope, that needed to stop.

Tbh if I was the ex and my ex DP moved on 3 months later, I’d pretty much think his new partner was in fact the OW responsible for breaking up the marriage. It happens a lot that a new partner is wheeled out within a couple of months of a break up, when the reality is the person has been on the scene a lot longer. So maybe she is suspicious of your role in the break up of her marriage, hence why she appears to be bitter. Obviously too, you only hear his story, and there may have been a lot more going on in the lead up to their break up.

IME people with monster exes did at least contribute to creating that monster
What a load of bullshit. Seen that quoted before, and it's akin to victim blaming, as well as total ignorance of a situation. How the hell does anyone making such a nonsensical statement know what an individual was like during a marriage.

OP. If you feel this is a good relationship, carry on with it. Your DPs friends and family will not be persuaded by malicious gossip to walk away from him, if they know he is a decent human being.

@Livelovebehappy indeed but she knows that we met doing a hobby which he didn’t take up again until after he left.

@lovestoned I appreciate hearing the perspective of someone in DPs XWs position. I think the letter you have quoted is indeed very clear but I can see it must have been hurtful at the time. I guess if it helped you move on then it was a ‘good thing’ but I’m not sure DP would want to be so forthright.

@lovestoned wow. You are such a delight! And jumping to many conclusions. How would anyone know he had 18 months of counselling with his ex? Because he said so! And that's definitely true because. It is highly likely that the ExW does not want her former H back, rather she wants to live her life without his presence. 3 months from separation to meeting someone new is nothing and especially in context of a long marriage. And as the ex I would be highly doubtful that this relationship didn't start earlier and was a reason for the collapse of the marriage. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you know ... if my ex sent me an email like the one you are suggesting and changed his profile pic on his FB account, I would die laughing and share the email and the pic far and wide to demonstrate what a pair of narcissistic pricks both of them are. And as for the only a woman might move forward through a life is by meeting a man thing, hold up, the 1950s just called. It wants your terrible attitude back. Clearly you are no sister and neither is the OP. You should be thoroughly ashamed of your lack of empathy for another woman.

Interesting other thread in relationships ‘When is too soon for a bit of a fling?’

Are you a fling? If so I can see why he isn't keen to introduce you at events. A fling is temporary and as long as both parties know its fine whereas it isn't emotionally healthy to go from a long relationship to another in 3 months.

BTW, spousal /global maintenance is still awarded where one partner is the higher earner and has reduced their career to support the family. A judge has all the facts so don't underestimate her role.

You say it was a horrible divorce yet your bf and ex can communicate over the past, such as asking about photos etc. I don't see that as intrusive, just the realities of separating a long marriage. Those messages sound as if they have a non hostile relationship which is good for their children.

I think you are feeling insecure and keen to blame the Ex whereas it feels like the separation is moving at the normal speed with appropriate boundaries. I would not want the person I'm relatively newly dating at a formal event with my children where photos might be taken..saves the effort of photo shopping later!