Abandoned in your fifties?

[Mycatandme]

I’ve been divorced for a few years and last year I met a new DP. We are both in our mid fifties with now grown up children. We want to make a proper life together but his XW is so angry and bitter about ‘being abandoned’ that I’m not sure we will be able to. Will this ever get better?

@Techway no spousal maintenance awarded here so XW now works. If you actually rtft you would see that I do not want to attend his family events, I have enough of my own to go to. You must tell your new partner why you don’t want him to accompany you - I’m sure he’ll stay out of the photos if you tell him it usually saves you the trouble of having your former partners photoshopped.

@fuckingcovid thank you many friends and family have said they know things weren’t right before so he has no need to say much other than they want different things out of life. Generally they have just accepted me now.

Interesting other thread in relationships ‘When is too soon for a bit of a fling?’ In which OP who is barely even separated is being told it’s never too soon, life is too short, she should go for it

You are not talking about a fling though are you.

The other thread was talking about a harmless sexual encounter in order to assist with healing, and moving on.

You on the other hand are talking about a 'serious relationship' and forcing your bf's children to accept you as a permanent part of the family furniture.
Without the ability to see the damage you are doing to their recovery process, or the pain you are causing by pushing for this too quickly, you will soon see that you become hated and disliked by everyone, and it will impossible to remove their opinion of you once it has set in. It is up to you.

If he spent fifteen years of his life with his ex wife I doubt it was in celibacy given they actually have children together, additionally the love and bonds in a very long marriage run very deep and can not be removed and replaced in a heartbeat.

I suggest you back off, and show some respect and take things at a snails pace if you hope to have a future at all with this man and his family.
You are novelty now, but you won't always be, and if you are not a decent caring person he will eventually see you for what you are.

@Friendsoftheearth he spent 15 years of a much longer marriage celibate. I guess this is why you would approve if he was indulging in ‘harmless sexual encounters‘ after his marriage ended but not that he entered a relationship instead. You seem to be very angry that he is planning to ask his children to meet me after a year of dating. If you had rtft you would see I do not wish to go to his family events, I have my own to keep me busy. The thread has been useful to help me understand hostility, thank you.

@Mycatandme. Ignore the nonsense here about stepping back and taking things at a snails pace! You are not ‘forcing’ his adult children to like you or take over in any way.

You and DP are not young naive people, but mature, sensible adults, who have experienced life and know yourselves.

Live your lives. The ExW is her own problem. Too many people on here projecting their problems onto you!

Having read the whole thread .. I am so pleased the last post was the sanest voice of reason .. fuckingcovid is spot on..

MN is packed to the rafters with sanctimonious judgemental people who love to project and love to invent arbitrary 'rules' that you ignore at your peril.

You do not need to 'take a step back'
You do not need to 'stop your relationship '
You did not 'start a relationship too soon' .. it is absolutely no ones business but your and his - as to when you and he started your relationship. You are both adult humans with no responsibilities except to yourselves.

Of course social niceties and decent behaviour is needed. Your partner needs to show compassion - to his ex but also needs to be clear.. and make it very clear that he is in a new relationship. However - you do not need to be involved in this. Just get on with your relationship and enjoy it !

It matters not if you met him a day after he announced his separation, 3 weeks or 3 months later. If he has been in the spare room for 15 years.. he does not 'owe' anything more than legally obliged to pay by the terms of the divorce.

The OP described the ex as angry and bitter and having being abandoned. Quite emotive and negative words. Most people have just offered some advice as why for ex wife hasn't moved on in the way OP expects and for OP to show some empathy. It's also been difficult to gauge in what way this is impacting on the OP. It's not hard to see why someone might be struggling to move on after a long marriage. And we only have her BF's words he lived a celibate life and a sex free marriage for so long. It might have felt different to the ex.

@Notcoolmum

The OP described the ex as angry and bitter and having being abandoned. Quite emotive and negative words. Most people have just offered some advice as why for ex wife hasn't moved on in the way OP expects and for OP to show some empathy. It's also been difficult to gauge in what way this is impacting on the OP. It's not hard to see why someone might be struggling to move on after a long marriage. And we only have her BF's words he lived a celibate life and a sex free marriage for so long. It might have felt different to the ex.

Well precisely.

This is the OP's OP:

I’ve been divorced for a few years and last year I met a new DP. We are both in our mid fifties with now grown up children. We want to make a proper life together but his XW is so angry and bitter about ‘being abandoned’ that I’m not sure we will be able to. Will this ever get better?

She then went to post a lot about the young adult DC.

It's not as easy for her as 'just' moving on and telling everyone else to bugger off, because that's clearly not happening.

Advice like 'just get on with your relationship and enjoy it!' will have her going around in circles forever.

@Mycatandme there are bitter exes out there who are determined to try to slide themselves into a new relationship and often they do use the children as a lever - regardless of the cost to the children . My H's ex W is like this after many years . If she is on one of her benders then it will be particularly abusive by text , spewing paragraphs . If sober then she is more barbed or withdraws for a while building up for the next barrage . The only thing I can say is that my H has got better at dealing with her and has now actually just said to me yesterday that he realises if he does tell her he's not taking her nonsense then she backs down. Previously he was trying to make her happy out of guilt I think ( although they both wanted a divorce at the time ) .

I'm a LOT younger than you OP and I know well enough to not sit and listen to men moan about the sex life in their previous relationships. You know far too much about their relationship. You need to get a life of your own.

@fuckingcovid @disorganisedsecretsquirrel thank you for the support. I have been with someone for a year and think it might be time to meet his children so that hopefully in time he will be able to enjoy a little bit of this part of his life with me as he does with my DC. No expectation of being invited to his family events. Our relationship is proceeding very slowly and cautiously, we both have our own busy lives. Having taken on board all the thoughts on this thread he will ask the DC to meet me even if it’s just me popping in for a coffee. He has not responded to any recent contact from XW and is just ignoring the messages. This thread has made me think that she won’t change her views so DP has to rebuild his relationships with his DC over time. There are quite a few replies which say I’m just some meaningless fling but I guess I’m just learning how some people think negative thoughts and some people don’t.

@Notcoolmum XW told everyone she could that he has abandoned her and she is angry that he has behaved like a complete b***d. These are not my words, she has angry outbursts on phone, calls me names. Anyway DP has cut contact as there is no way of helping and trying to help (as a few people here have mentioned) is probably making things worse. Sorry if I have little sympathy with someone who behaves like this.

Just take the negativity as people projecting.

The best two bits of advice I was ever given came from my father..

1. You cannot MAKE someone love you. If they love you they will be with you. If they aren't its because they don't want to be.

1. If he doesn't show he adores you. Fuck him off.

Your DP obviously lives you and doesn't love his ex.

That's all you need to know.

@KatherineJaneway

I don’t understand why some women don’t work when a marriage breaks up, particularly when children are older.

Some don't want to or have previously agreed with their partner they never want to work.

What have agreed to just not work? How the hell fo they justify that? Incredible. To just 'agree you never want to work'

Where do I sign up for that? Extraordinary.

@Mycatandme you are not being unreasonable to be expected to be treated like a person by those around him.

But then someone who steadfastly refused to work and didn't want a sex life with him may night be willing to see it that way. She's lost her meal ticket, and that wasn't her plan.

If he was a woman coming on here saying that he wasn't happy in his marriage then the advice would be to leave, that you don`t need to stay in an unhappy marriage to please the other person. Sounds like he stuck it out till the kids were grown and then looked for his own freedom and a chance of happiness. His ex is making it difficult for him, manipulating friends and family and he needs to recognise that unless he cuts her out she'll continue to do it and make him miserable.

What have agreed to just not work? How the hell fo they justify that? Incredible. To just 'agree you never want to work'

Where do I sign up for that? Extraordinary.

As I have said already on this thread, I was suggesting possible scenarios, not saying I agree with those suggestions.

Op, the issue is not that he isn't entitled to love someone else, and leave his wife. Of course he is. Like all of us he has a right be happy.

The issue is that you are applying pressure on him to meet his children - and in your words 'have a proper normal life'. You have said throughout your posts that you will give him 'a timeline' and 'time scale' to achieve meeting his children and being included in family events. You say over again how you want to move on to 'the next stage' and your wish for a 'normal' life together. Your aim is clear.

What you are missing is the part where the ADULT children have decided they want nothing to do with you, as is their choice. Given they are adults I am sure they are more than capable of telling their mother that they are perfectly within their rights to meet you, but they choose not to.

You are not welcome within their family unit that includes your bf.

You have commitment from him now in full view, wanting to take your year long fling to the 'next stage' but you claim on here to be happy not to be invited to events. I beg to differ.
My guess is that you are putting your boyfriend under considerable pressure to meet his children, you are putting him under considerable pressure to start stepping up and offering you the commitment that you are secretly longing for, and he is pushing back and blaming his ex wife.

His adult children don't want to see you.
His extended family do not want to see you.

I doubt they ever will. They have a very different take on events, for sure.

I would not count on any kind of proper commitment from him any time soon either, he got involved with you too quickly on the rebound from a very messy painful separation from a long marriage, and his family fell into crisis.

He is entitled to whatever he likes, but so are his children, indeed his wife. You are neck deep in a very serious family tragedy, and you are now cast as someone that has only made things worse for all of them. I can't their opinion ever changing, and it is something for you to consider when you look to the future.

@Vodkacranberryplease yes he supported children through expensive private school then university he committed to himself to doing that whatever. Indeed who would not think they needed to work these days? I try not to think that she was only bothered about the lifestyle. I do see threads on here where women are genuinely stunned that their DHs leave after years without sex or ones where they believe that the rest of the relationship should be enough. She seems genuinely stunned because seemingly she was very happy with their life, much of which he didn’t get any say in at all.

@Friendsoftheearth WOW you seem to be very angry about this and I guess this is how XW feels and if your views are like hers she will never move on, really ‘neck deep in a very serious family tragedy’ is a bit melodramatic. People move on from divorce every day and usually to happier lives. If you look at this thread you will see that children are damaged by the unreasonable behaviour of a difficult parent. I guess some people just enjoy being bitter and miserable. Staring to wonder if you are XW.

The good news is I’ve now met one DC and will meet the other one soon.

I went through a divorce at a young age. I got married at 26 and my husband left me when I was 28. I went a bit bonkers over it. I think it took me about 7-8 years to really get to the point where I didn't feel awful about it. I met my DH when I was in my mid 30s. I had a number of relationships in that 7-8 years but I always had a string emotional reaction to any mention of my first husband and I was angry at him for most of that time . We didn't have children though so there was no need for us to have anything to do with each other, which we didn't after the divorce. That didn't stop me crying at night about what I saw as a traumatic end to a dream for many years . Obviously not every night but I'd say it was a good 10 years before I could think about that relationship in dispassionate way and not get upset.

Her feelings shouldn't affect you but you asked how long it will go on for. You need to be prepared that It could be for a very very long time.

She is bitter at the loss of lifestyle and the prospect of old age having to work like everybody she previously felt superior to. She is highly jealous you have the life she expected to stay in.

Thanks for the advice all it’s helped us move forward in the last few weeks.

@Mycatandme

The good news is I’ve now met one DC and will meet the other one soon.

I hope things continue to work out