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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP lying about a girl at work..

140 replies

Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 20:19

Hi.. I wrote a thread about this ages ago where I suspected my DP of messing around with someone from work. I've name changed since that post but I'll have to give you a bit of a back story...

DP cheated very early on in our relationship.. I forgave him, moved on from it, 3 years later down the line we have a 6 month old baby together.

When I was heavily pregnant, he had mentionitus about some girl at work.. In my last post I called her *Laura so ill stick with that name. A few things didn't sit right with me, conversations they'd had at work which he relayed to me when he got home. One of which she told him she wished she could find someone like him.
I was too pregnant, uncomfortable and exhausted to question him at the time so let it lie.. But I did notice he'd always spray the life out of himself with purfume before he left the house in the morning, was always popping into work on his days off for an hour or two, finishing late some nights, and loads of other stuff I can't really remember now as my heads like mush.

Anyway, I had the baby and then lockdown happened, and I happened to see a text come through off this girl. In the text she'd congratulated him for having the baby, knows all about me, but then told him she missed him and added 3 kisses on the end. He replied and told her he missed her too and couldn't wait for a catch up when they got back to work and added 3 kisses on the end.

Well, I saw red didn't I. Confronted him, yelled, accused.. All of that. He swore blindly it was nothing that he wasn't doing anything and it was just banta (as they all say) so again. I let it lie as I was trying to concentrate on my baby.

Then he randomly shaved his ballsac and pubes all off in lockdown and lied about it, saying he'd accidently shaved too much when he was trying to trim it. There was other stuff too but I can't remember right now...

We've had many arguments about this where I've called BS to his face and its all deny deny deny. He went back to work and on the day he went back to work he deleted thier texts (yes I checked) last week we had a major row because he was off work but said he was going to work to sort something out (a customer he was dealing with) and was away for about an hour and when I checked his call log that night he'd rang *Laura at the time he'd left the house to pop into work. He said she was sorting something out in work for him whilst he was off and he had to ring her for this reason. (I do see all his colleagues numbers in his call log as they ring each other regarding customers)

Anyway. He ended up deleting her number from his phone in front 0f me shouting that he was sick of being accused of stuff... But then tonight.. He came home and said "oh BTW I was talking to Kelly in work today. She's got a pug and a labrador and she's going to breed the labrador and said I could have one of the puppies. Well.. I'd already pre stalked Laura's fb and low and behold on her cover photo she has a photo of a pug and a labrador.

My stomach dropped because I immediately knew he wasn't talking about Kelly he was talking about Laura.

I haven't said anything as I'm sick of arguing with him about it
But why lie AGAIN? Do you think he's just pretending it's someone else so I don't kick off or do you think he's having an affair?

He was with me the entire lockdown. Only left the house to go food shopping. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't go anywhere. I don't know if it's a EA or a crush or what. Advice?

OP posts:
Oly4 · 09/08/2020 20:24

Oh you poor love, he is a bastard and if he’s not cheating, he’s trying to cheat.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 20:25

Honestly? Leave.

A man like this is just... a man like this.

I've had relationships with a few. Glad I never ended up having to endure a fucking miserable life with all this kind of shit happening, again and again, because I stayed with one.

You've just had a baby together. If having that amazing experience together didn't make him feel that closeness, that loyalty, then nothing ever will. You'll have this forever.

It's exactly the same as having that friend you KNOW you could tell anything, you KNOW they'd be there for you, you KNOW they've got your back. And then there's the friends who are fine, you have a laugh with, but by god they're not the people you'd ever call at 3am in snotty tears and know they'd be there for you.

The man you want to be with is the man who is basically that 3am friend.

This man, he's not that type, is he?

Greenbks · 09/08/2020 20:35

Op I’m so sorry, especially since you have a small
Baby your head must be everywhere.

I’m going to be honest bcos that is what you’re here for. This has happened so many times - do you think he’ll change?

Can you handle this/be subjected to this for the rest of your life?

Is it better to call it quits now when your baby is so young instead of bringing more kids into the picture or when your baby is old enough to feel the pain of his /her parents separating?

If he hasn’t cheated now it certainly looks like he will in the future, it’s only a mater of time and with a woman who will give him the time of day. Sorry.

AllsortsofAwkward · 09/08/2020 20:43

Tbh you knew he was a cheat in the early days when its the honeymoon period, he's already shown you who he is.

rvby · 09/08/2020 20:43

Can you go to your parents? Or someone you trust? You've just had a baby, you need rest and care, not to be embroiled in this drama. Leave him to it - his actions have nothing to do with you.

Cantpickausername5 · 09/08/2020 20:46

I think I remember your last post. Wasn't this the guy that cheated on while you were looking after his children. I think you said you were going to stay at your mums for awhile. Clearly things are escalating between him and this girl at work. If he is now taking one of her puppies. Which I assume you will be the one to look after it. I think this relationship is done. And id also be confronting him and telling him you know. Otherwise your going to be walked all over again. What a prize pig he is.

FATEdestiny · 09/08/2020 20:54

There is a massive size difference between a pug and a lab - how do they do it?!

FloreanFortescue · 09/08/2020 21:05

He can't even help the lying can he. Sorry OP. Get those ducks in a row.

Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 21:06

@Cantpickausername5 yeah that was me and my thread. I did go to stay with my mum for a few days and cleared my head. He hated every minute I was gone and was never off the phone to me. I came back home and all was quiet for a while.
I bring it up a lot when I've had a few glasses of wine, usually because somethings still not sitting right with me.

When I threatened to message her myself and ask if something was going on he said "do it then ffs I'm sick of this! ' and stormed off downstairs. I didnt message her.

@FATEdestiny she's not mating the lab and pug.. She's got a lab and pug and said she's breeding the lab. I'd already saw these 2 dogs on her fb page when I was snooping. So when he said it was Kelly at work, I knew he was lying as I'd seen the dogs on Laura's page

It's the lying. I don't get why he didnt just say "I was talking to Laura today and she's gunna breed one of her dogs".. Unless he just thinks ill fly off the handle at the mention of her name.

OP posts:
Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 21:08

Do you think I should tell him I know it's her dogs?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/08/2020 21:13

You don't need to prove or justify anything to him, you already know he's a liar and a cheat. You will never, ever change him nor get to the bottom of things, it's simply the way he is.

Greenbks · 09/08/2020 21:14

Op what is the point of this when you know the truth?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/08/2020 21:15

So your only decision is do you continue to live like this or not? Because there is literally zero you can do to change his behaviour, you can only choose whether to accept it.

Janaih · 09/08/2020 21:18

Dont get a puppy when you've got a baby.

Dont waste any more of your life on this jerk.

rvby · 09/08/2020 21:21

??? No, just dump him, surely? How much worse do you want this to get? Arent you exhausted, I would be. There is no need for all this. Just end the relationship so that you can have some peace.

BitOfFun · 09/08/2020 21:22

Exactly, MyCat. He's a liar and a cheat. You know this.

Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 21:34

I just keep trying to work through it for my baby. I've been so close to leaving several times and something just makes me stop and then things get better for a while then they don't.. Its up and down all the time. Yes I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I don't want my baby to grow up with a misreable mummy, I want to be the best version of myself possible for her.
I'm scared of leaving tbh.scared of the unknown. Scared of starting on my own with a baby so young. We're supposed to be moving soon into a new rented house. It's a 6 month lease. I'm having a back up plan. Putting what little money I have aside. It's hard to leave when you're in the situation. I feel like I need to have everything in order before I end things.

OP posts:
chatterbugmegastar · 09/08/2020 21:37

Do you think I should tell him I know it's her dogs?

No

You should leave and go completely no contact

If he comes to see you ,call the police as he's stalking you

RLEOM · 09/08/2020 21:37

No pun intended, but what a dog! He's gaslighting you, too. He's putting his willy before his own family. Bastard.

This headache-of-a-man needs to go. It'll be hard at first but you'll be much better off emotionally.

Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 21:38

I guess I just hoped it wasn't going to be a classic case of once a cheat always a cheat. He'd given me no reason to doubt him until he started his new job and when he started talking about this work colleague. We'd worked it all out. We'd gotten past it and I thought maybe he's one of the small percentage of men who don't stray again

OP posts:
rvby · 09/08/2020 21:38

@Redwine125

I just keep trying to work through it for my baby. I've been so close to leaving several times and something just makes me stop and then things get better for a while then they don't.. Its up and down all the time. Yes I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I don't want my baby to grow up with a misreable mummy, I want to be the best version of myself possible for her. I'm scared of leaving tbh.scared of the unknown. Scared of starting on my own with a baby so young. We're supposed to be moving soon into a new rented house. It's a 6 month lease. I'm having a back up plan. Putting what little money I have aside. It's hard to leave when you're in the situation. I feel like I need to have everything in order before I end things.
I completely understand op. Can I make a suggestion? Can you stop focusing on him and what he may or may not be doing, and just keep your attention on getting things in order, as you say. Because it's a waste of energy trying to catch him in lies etc. Leave him to it, you already know what he is like. Concentrate on yourself and baby, on getting out of there. You have limited energy, dont spend it on him xx
Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 21:46

@rvby that's really good advise thank you. I know I need to start doing this or I'm just gunna drive myself mad. I love him. I will be heartbroken and distraught I know I will, but I also know how unhappy I am aswell and its really affecting my mental health ontop of suffering with pnd. I just keep thinking if he was or is cheating where does he find the time as he's always at home, goes to work and gets back like 10 minutes after he finishes.

OP posts:
Redwine125 · 09/08/2020 21:47

Have any of you left someone after having a baby? Keen to know positive stories after breaking up

OP posts:
rvby · 09/08/2020 21:50

I left when my little man was 3. Very hard and I wish I had left sooner but like you, had to get my ducks in a row.

Met new dp very soon after (embarrassingly soon) and been together for years now. My dc loves him and hes such a lovely man.

It will be ok lovely. Honestly it will, the part before you leave is the worst by far imo, it's the uncertainty that's worse than actually doing it xxxxx

AmberAndAlexsMum · 09/08/2020 21:54

Yes I did, my little girl was 18 months old and it was a faff being a single mum but it was much much better. I didn't have to worry about having to waste attention on a stupid parasitic male