DP lying about a girl at work..

[Redwine125]

Hi.. I wrote a thread about this ages ago where I suspected my DP of messing around with someone from work. I've name changed since that post but I'll have to give you a bit of a back story...

DP cheated very early on in our relationship.. I forgave him, moved on from it, 3 years later down the line we have a 6 month old baby together.

When I was heavily pregnant, he had mentionitus about some girl at work.. In my last post I called her *Laura so ill stick with that name. A few things didn't sit right with me, conversations they'd had at work which he relayed to me when he got home. One of which she told him she wished she could find someone like him.
I was too pregnant, uncomfortable and exhausted to question him at the time so let it lie.. But I did notice he'd always spray the life out of himself with purfume before he left the house in the morning, was always popping into work on his days off for an hour or two, finishing late some nights, and loads of other stuff I can't really remember now as my heads like mush.

Anyway, I had the baby and then lockdown happened, and I happened to see a text come through off this girl. In the text she'd congratulated him for having the baby, knows all about me, but then told him she missed him and added 3 kisses on the end. He replied and told her he missed her too and couldn't wait for a catch up when they got back to work and added 3 kisses on the end.

Well, I saw red didn't I. Confronted him, yelled, accused.. All of that. He swore blindly it was nothing that he wasn't doing anything and it was just banta (as they all say) so again. I let it lie as I was trying to concentrate on my baby.

Then he randomly shaved his ballsac and pubes all off in lockdown and lied about it, saying he'd accidently shaved too much when he was trying to trim it. There was other stuff too but I can't remember right now...

We've had many arguments about this where I've called BS to his face and its all deny deny deny. He went back to work and on the day he went back to work he deleted thier texts (yes I checked) last week we had a major row because he was off work but said he was going to work to sort something out (a customer he was dealing with) and was away for about an hour and when I checked his call log that night he'd rang *Laura at the time he'd left the house to pop into work. He said she was sorting something out in work for him whilst he was off and he had to ring her for this reason. (I do see all his colleagues numbers in his call log as they ring each other regarding customers)

Anyway. He ended up deleting her number from his phone in front 0f me shouting that he was sick of being accused of stuff... But then tonight.. He came home and said "oh BTW I was talking to Kelly in work today. She's got a pug and a labrador and she's going to breed the labrador and said I could have one of the puppies. Well.. I'd already pre stalked Laura's fb and low and behold on her cover photo she has a photo of a pug and a labrador.

My stomach dropped because I immediately knew he wasn't talking about Kelly he was talking about Laura.

I haven't said anything as I'm sick of arguing with him about it
But why lie AGAIN? Do you think he's just pretending it's someone else so I don't kick off or do you think he's having an affair?

He was with me the entire lockdown. Only left the house to go food shopping. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't go anywhere. I don't know if it's a EA or a crush or what. Advice?

can't take anymore gaslighting.i have to protect my own mind and focus solely now on just me and dd

This op! Well done you don't need to prove he lied, he did and you know it. Stop talking to him and letting him gaslight you more. Block him and enjoy a few stress free days with your mum. Then ask your mum to help you plan you next steps

[quote Redwine125]**@MizMoonshine* put the whole man in the bin* 😂😂 I actually laughed out loud at that! 😂[/quote]
Me too, it's awfully good isn't it

Look, sweetheart, he will always do this and be like this. This is who he is at his core - he likes to "get one over" on his partner, to feel he's "winning", "beating her", "taking her for a fool". He needs to feel that he is high and you are low. Why? No internal sense of "self" and no internal self esteem. He derives all of this from his position to others and how they respond to him.

Don't even bother trying to "fix" or help him, he is neither fixable nor help able - and wouldnt genuinely attempt to change anyway as he (counterintuitively) thinks he's grand and needs no changing.

This is irrelevant though, what is relevant is that these men are like parasites, sucking you dry of your admiration, love and care and cruelly diposing of you once they're done and no longer have any use for you.

The puppy is the cheaters equivalent of the serial killer's trophy - he wants a constant reminder of his triumph right under his nose and in full view of you. Each time you and your child play with the puppy, hell obtain a sick thrill from knowing something he thinks you don't.

These men will gaslight and headfuck you until you dont know what's up anymore and they, over time, grind your own healthy, internally driven, sense of self and self esteem into dust. Women can and do have nervous breakdowns from such relationships. Leave before he does that to you. Leave whilst you are still mentally able. 💐

Tldr: he hates himself and projects that on you - he holds you in total contempt. This "justifies" (to him) his treatment of you. Google "projection", "scapegoating" and "contempt in relationship". This is his wiring - no cure.

Run.

I know it's all just meaningless words he says. The way he says things like "you're my whole world I love you from the bottom of my heart" and all the rest. I've seen it that many times that it just doesn't mean anything. Like when you say "I love you" so much out of habit it becomes just words without meaning.. If that makes sense?? I dunno if I'm saying it right.
It's the fact that he used to text me saying all that stuff when he was cheating the first time. I actually kept all them texts from the last time and looked at them yesturday, compared them to the texts he was sending yesturday at work to me and they're almost word for word. It's like a script. I'll say this to keep her happy and she'll believe it. But I don't.

I'm waking up finally. Today I feel brave. I feel like I have a lot to look forward to on my own with dd. I feel like I'm going to get my life back and find myself again and be the best mummy I possibly can be to my dd. I can't let the fear of the unknown get to me. Its blue skies, I'm sat in my mums lovely garden with a coffee in hand and feel hopeful.

I've just read the whole thread and that's a positive update. I left my partner when my children were small. I don't think he was cheating but he was living a single life. Staying out at the pub after work, not answering the phone because I would want him home to help with the children. I say I don't think he was cheating because it was actually alcohol that was his other love. It was the mental gymnastics that meant I was living a half life which went completely when I ended it. It was upsetting but I felt relief when I finally called time on our relationship.

@Redwine125

Have any of you left someone after having a baby? Keen to know positive stories after breaking up

I left when my daughter was one.

I thought I'd never leave but after having my daughter I knew it was something I had to do.

I was her role model and I couldn't let her repeat the cycle as I'd seen similar growing up and I had recreated it as an adult as to me it was normal.

I cant tell you how happy I am it took about six months of course and lots of tears but I can't tell you how how happy I am and my daughter so confident and happy and settled.

My daughter wouldn't be the child she is today if I raised her under a cloud of doom.

My depression faded away as soon as we went. So if I stayed my child would have had a completely different mother. Not a confident one a sad one. Therefore she wouldn't be the confident girl she is today it would have effected her.

My husband was a cheat and an asshole who would never change. Ugh and the mentionitus makes me sick.

I hope this jumbled mess helps you at all.

OP so good to hear you are feeling hopeful. Life may be challenging ahead, but this man has been sucking so much of your positivity. You should be hopeful because life without him will be better. All the very best to you and your little girl. Don't let the manchild grind you down ANY MORE

@Redwine125 I didn't leave my exH but discovered he was having an affair when my youngest was under 1. He filmed himself shagging his boss and emailed it to himself. Idiot didn't realise it came up on the house iPad.
So I was approaching 30 and was left with 2 kids under 2, a huge mortgage and no job as I gave it up to be SAHM at his request to avoid childcare costs.
I'll spare you the ins and outs but to this day it's the best thing that could have happened. Yes I spend many nights being alone and sad but those are the times that eventually make you stronger and increase your self respect.
I am now 5 years on, remarried to a man who is amazing, we have another child together and while I do have some mental scars from the divorce, I wouldn't change what happened.

You'll be fine. It won't be all rainbows and happiness to start with but one day you'll go back to the mundane things like being annoyed that the dog has vomitted on the carpet in the night or that you forgot to order yogurts on the shopping this week (ok random examples but stick with this) and you'll be a new normal.

Thank you so much everyone ❤️

It's like a script. I'll say this to keep her happy and she'll believe it.

Nail on head, op.
Good luck

I'd be inclined to send screenshots of his previous messages entitled Last Time You Were Screwing Around.

He needs to know you aren't buying his bullshit.

I'm glad you are feeling stronger today OP.

By the way out of all the people I know or have heard of who have sworn on their kids' lives, EVERY SINGLE ONE has proved to be lying. Literally no exceptions. It's an entirely meaningless phrase anyway (other than to provide further proof that they're a scumbag of the highest order). Anybody in a functional relationship doesn't need to swear on anyone's life, why would they? Their actions should already speak for themselves.

Stay strong. You and your Dd deserve better

Listen to what your body is telling you. Use that outrage and channel its power in the right way to drive you onward.
Your anger is showing you what you are feeling, thinking and saying, matters.
You matter, darling girl.

OP now is the time to do this

Get some friends/family - go to your old place and get yours and DDs stuff...clothes toys etc plus any relevant paperwork

If you go back there you are giving him permission to do as he pleases, cheat on you at will and continue to treat you like shit

Make the change - you have the support of your mum and family, let them help you.