DP lying about a girl at work..

[Redwine125]

Hi.. I wrote a thread about this ages ago where I suspected my DP of messing around with someone from work. I've name changed since that post but I'll have to give you a bit of a back story...

DP cheated very early on in our relationship.. I forgave him, moved on from it, 3 years later down the line we have a 6 month old baby together.

When I was heavily pregnant, he had mentionitus about some girl at work.. In my last post I called her *Laura so ill stick with that name. A few things didn't sit right with me, conversations they'd had at work which he relayed to me when he got home. One of which she told him she wished she could find someone like him.
I was too pregnant, uncomfortable and exhausted to question him at the time so let it lie.. But I did notice he'd always spray the life out of himself with purfume before he left the house in the morning, was always popping into work on his days off for an hour or two, finishing late some nights, and loads of other stuff I can't really remember now as my heads like mush.

Anyway, I had the baby and then lockdown happened, and I happened to see a text come through off this girl. In the text she'd congratulated him for having the baby, knows all about me, but then told him she missed him and added 3 kisses on the end. He replied and told her he missed her too and couldn't wait for a catch up when they got back to work and added 3 kisses on the end.

Well, I saw red didn't I. Confronted him, yelled, accused.. All of that. He swore blindly it was nothing that he wasn't doing anything and it was just banta (as they all say) so again. I let it lie as I was trying to concentrate on my baby.

Then he randomly shaved his ballsac and pubes all off in lockdown and lied about it, saying he'd accidently shaved too much when he was trying to trim it. There was other stuff too but I can't remember right now...

We've had many arguments about this where I've called BS to his face and its all deny deny deny. He went back to work and on the day he went back to work he deleted thier texts (yes I checked) last week we had a major row because he was off work but said he was going to work to sort something out (a customer he was dealing with) and was away for about an hour and when I checked his call log that night he'd rang *Laura at the time he'd left the house to pop into work. He said she was sorting something out in work for him whilst he was off and he had to ring her for this reason. (I do see all his colleagues numbers in his call log as they ring each other regarding customers)

Anyway. He ended up deleting her number from his phone in front 0f me shouting that he was sick of being accused of stuff... But then tonight.. He came home and said "oh BTW I was talking to Kelly in work today. She's got a pug and a labrador and she's going to breed the labrador and said I could have one of the puppies. Well.. I'd already pre stalked Laura's fb and low and behold on her cover photo she has a photo of a pug and a labrador.

My stomach dropped because I immediately knew he wasn't talking about Kelly he was talking about Laura.

I haven't said anything as I'm sick of arguing with him about it
But why lie AGAIN? Do you think he's just pretending it's someone else so I don't kick off or do you think he's having an affair?

He was with me the entire lockdown. Only left the house to go food shopping. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't go anywhere. I don't know if it's a EA or a crush or what. Advice?

Your child is better off with just one parent who is happy. X

@copperoliver I already have copious times. He just sits looking sorry for himself like he's the victim and I'm a raging lunatic making things up in my head to start arguments.. Then I end up apologising and saying "sorry for bringing it up again" and I think it's all in my head until something else happens.. Like today.

@Redwine125 honestly you sound just like how I felt. I completely lost myself, and when we broke up I put more effort into my friendships, went to college to retrain, got a part time job and just became the old me again. He also cheated on me early in the relationship and installed with him, just like you, but I never forgave him and never trusted him again, and rightly so!

He may be better as a parent without you there. My ex was always a nice dad so I didn’t worry too much but I was the main carer and I used to worry he wouldn’t do things properly. We soon found out we were better parents apart. Me not being there made him pull his socks up and get on with it, and doing it on my own made me more relaxed and find my own way of doing things.

*I stayed with him.Not installed!

It doesn't really matter whether he's cheating or not. This relationship isn't making you happy. It'll never make you happy. If you want to be happy you have to end it. Otherwise how you're feeling now is your future.

Thanks guys. It really does help hearing your stories and advice. I will keep you updated xx

Op whether he is cheating or not, the important people here are your daughter and you. The fact that he loses his temper easily with a tiny baby is a red flag. He sounds totally unreliable and selfish. He is a terrible role model for your daughter for what is a good husband/partner/father. Please plan to leave him.

OP you do not trust him, he is making you insecure and you even doubt yourself, and it will never work like this. You will be miserable forever. You will be better off freeing yourself from this. You will have headspace to enjoy life.

The best way to make sure he NEVER has her overnight is to leave and then start acting as if you can't wait for him to get settled so that he can have her overnight, do his share, so that 'you too can start moving on with a new life, meet someone' etc.

Reverse psychology.

If he thinks you WANT him to have her, he won't - especially if you make the link between him giving you 'nights off' - 'babysitting'.

God he sounds like my ex. Always the victim but in reality a compulsive liar.

You will never ever get the truth out of him, just lie on top of lies. Yet your mind will scream ‘there is more going on!’ But because you can’t prove fuck all you will stay. And you’ll start to resent him, he will call you mad and paranoid ect..

I lasted ten years with my ex, married, two kids. Could never prove anything. But in the end I knew he was a lying cunt and I needed my own reality to be true. I never messaged a girl I suspected my ex to be messaging as I was too embarrassed. So I know what that feels like

We over look stuff and let it go because we don’t want to break the family up. But honestly it’s them that’s doing it. I bet you have never ever given him concern to doubt you have you?

Being a single parent isn’t so bad. At least I know my life is what I know it is. Not smoke and mirrors. He might not be shagging her but it sounds like he is having an emotional affair with her. The need to keep going in to work - it’s to see her.

Men are shit. But your not being crazy, your picking up on stuff because your not an idiot

Sounds exactly like my ex, even down to the shaving and the excuse he gave was identical. He was a pathological liar who had multiple affairs at work.

The thing is op, you're never going to be able to trust him, because he's not trustworthy.
You'll just make yourself ill constantly worrying about what he's up to.

@Codexdivinchi literally everything you've said there is so true. I do feel at times like I'm starting to resent him. Resent the person I've become in this relationship too. I thought relationships were supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst. I've never been as insecure than I have been in this relationship and I've put on soo much weight too when I worked my ass off to lose it all before I met him.its mostly been comfort eating.

His ex wife divorced him because she siad he was a compulsive liar who got them into so much debt. I never actually found this out until about 2 years into our relationship when I started talking to her more. Now he's doing the same thing to me.

I feel like a broken woman I honestly do... A broken woman whose scared to take the plunge and leave. My mum has a place for me to stay at hers with the baby. I'm on maternity. I don't have any money. But I know I can't keep going on like this.

I'm lying wide awake whilst he's asleep next to me. I just keep thinking.. Please god if he's up to no good just let me find out like I did the last time so I can leave quickly.

I half dither whether to message her myself but they work together and it would cause all sorts of problems and if she's really into him she could just deny it then I'll look even more crazy.
My mums coming to help me pack and clean tomorrow (we're moving out end of the month) I think I'm just gunna take the baby and go and stay at hers for the night. I need to get out of my own head.

I remember your last thread. He cheated early in your relationship while you were babysitting his kids didn't he.

I thought he'd pulled himself together with regards to doing more with the baby.

You also pay a higher share of household bills and had his kids dumped on you after a couple section right?

Considering how he hates being alone...he should really be worshipping you for still being with him.

He fancies Laura...he's not trustworthy....he's using you to prop himself up.
It's a shame you can do all the stuff you might have been able to before lockdown... you meet to reignite your social life without him.

The thing is ..whether he's actually cheating now is almost irrelevant...because his previous cheating has created such mistrust, the very foundation of the relationship is on shaky ground.

Sometimes a relationship just doesn't recover from cheating....even when the cheater becomes a model partner...because there's too much damage....and youe DP is far from a model partner post cheating.

He destroyed things and he will continue lying.

I agree whether he is or isn't the trust has gone, you need to look after yourself and your baby.

I agree with PP, you need to leave, but I'm sure you know that. IMO he's seeing her when he's supposed to be at work/is at work. Some of the things you've said sound familiar to me so I'm including a link. It's a long read but I think you may find answers. Sorry this is happening to you now, there's a happier life out there for you x

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You know you don't need proof OP? You can just leave?
He sounds like a loser. You'll never be able to trust him again.
Get rid. Enjoy your new life with your baby.

@SandyY2K yeah I've never been able to let go of the initial cheating. To make matters worse the young girl he cheated with before has a YouTube channel now and I see the little twat having a wonderful life and think, will she ever understand the mental damage both her and my DP caused me? A friend sent me a link to one of her videos and I nearly threw up. Brought it all back and that was over 2 and a half years ago.

I'm shattered this morning I just tossed and turned. He's off to do an 11 hour shift.

Interesting that his ex called him a pathological liar. Are you on good enough terms with her to go chat? Did he cheat on her? Might be interesting to really compare notes!! Cheaters often have patterns to their behaviour...especially as they get older and more desperate (in my experience they take more risks as they just get kind of used to their ridiculous behaviour)

@Redwine125 I've read all your comments but not the extra so not sure if this has been said.

Could you, just to see the look on his face, say you've read about labs and actually might go for one, ask if you can go and see "Kelly's" lab and see how it's mannerisms are. See him try for an excuse and then gently keep pushing him, make it impossible to find a reason to say no.

@Fizzysours no she said he never cheated on her but he constantly lied about money. I'm careful what I ask her or what I tell her because she's used it against me in arguments with him in the past in a moment of anger.

He's not a good liar at all. I told him nothing ever good comes from lying and you always get caught out in the end, no matter what you're lying about. He knows what he would lose. I'm just keeping my mouth shut on this one and observing closely... I note down everything that doesn't sit right with me. I'm concentrating on my baby, I don't want to be so consumed by It that I'm not paying enough attention to her. Everything I go through in my head points to cheating but I keep questioning when he's had the time... His job isn't one that you can leave the building for hours for... I'm getting loads of nanny cams for the new house 😂 I wish I could set up something where I could track his location on his phone but he's got an iPhone and I'm on android. I could try and hack into his fb but it always alerts you via text or email saying someone's used another device to log into your fb/email etc.. It has done for me when I've got a new tablet or something and it immediately comes through with a message on my phone.

There I am saying I don't want it to consume me WHILST thinking of other ways to catch him out. 😂 See how messed up my head is.

Also there is no puppies yet. She said she going to be breeding the lab later on in the year otherwise id be asking to go see one.

Why not ask to go and see the bitch (pun intended) so you can get an idea of the future pup's size? Or, at least, Kelly's FB page....? And watch him squirm. 😂