DP lying about a girl at work..

[Redwine125]

Hi.. I wrote a thread about this ages ago where I suspected my DP of messing around with someone from work. I've name changed since that post but I'll have to give you a bit of a back story...

DP cheated very early on in our relationship.. I forgave him, moved on from it, 3 years later down the line we have a 6 month old baby together.

When I was heavily pregnant, he had mentionitus about some girl at work.. In my last post I called her *Laura so ill stick with that name. A few things didn't sit right with me, conversations they'd had at work which he relayed to me when he got home. One of which she told him she wished she could find someone like him.
I was too pregnant, uncomfortable and exhausted to question him at the time so let it lie.. But I did notice he'd always spray the life out of himself with purfume before he left the house in the morning, was always popping into work on his days off for an hour or two, finishing late some nights, and loads of other stuff I can't really remember now as my heads like mush.

Anyway, I had the baby and then lockdown happened, and I happened to see a text come through off this girl. In the text she'd congratulated him for having the baby, knows all about me, but then told him she missed him and added 3 kisses on the end. He replied and told her he missed her too and couldn't wait for a catch up when they got back to work and added 3 kisses on the end.

Well, I saw red didn't I. Confronted him, yelled, accused.. All of that. He swore blindly it was nothing that he wasn't doing anything and it was just banta (as they all say) so again. I let it lie as I was trying to concentrate on my baby.

Then he randomly shaved his ballsac and pubes all off in lockdown and lied about it, saying he'd accidently shaved too much when he was trying to trim it. There was other stuff too but I can't remember right now...

We've had many arguments about this where I've called BS to his face and its all deny deny deny. He went back to work and on the day he went back to work he deleted thier texts (yes I checked) last week we had a major row because he was off work but said he was going to work to sort something out (a customer he was dealing with) and was away for about an hour and when I checked his call log that night he'd rang *Laura at the time he'd left the house to pop into work. He said she was sorting something out in work for him whilst he was off and he had to ring her for this reason. (I do see all his colleagues numbers in his call log as they ring each other regarding customers)

Anyway. He ended up deleting her number from his phone in front 0f me shouting that he was sick of being accused of stuff... But then tonight.. He came home and said "oh BTW I was talking to Kelly in work today. She's got a pug and a labrador and she's going to breed the labrador and said I could have one of the puppies. Well.. I'd already pre stalked Laura's fb and low and behold on her cover photo she has a photo of a pug and a labrador.

My stomach dropped because I immediately knew he wasn't talking about Kelly he was talking about Laura.

I haven't said anything as I'm sick of arguing with him about it
But why lie AGAIN? Do you think he's just pretending it's someone else so I don't kick off or do you think he's having an affair?

He was with me the entire lockdown. Only left the house to go food shopping. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't go anywhere. I don't know if it's a EA or a crush or what. Advice?

@Codexdivinchi thank you, sounds like a book I must check out.

@Cloudfrost I didn't even think of that. You're right.

I've been talking to my mum about it today. She said I've got to stop doing this to myself or I'm gunna make myself chronically ill and to not say anything again unless I have concrete evidence. She went through the same thing with my dad. She said she will always have a room for me and dd if I want to leave.

The book is ace, you can down load it on your phone. Was a game changer for me and it actually highlighted loads of shit I hadn’t even realised

But what evidence does your mum think is 'concrete'? It's probably pretty rare that someone is caught 'in flagrante delicto'. Most proof of cheating is bits and pieces pasted together to form a picture combined with one's 'gut instinct'. You already have that, three times over ( the early cheating, Laura, and now Laura/Kelly). What more do you need?

No, it's not about proving he's a cheat. You already know that. It's about whether or not you're going to live with a cheat. And that's absolutely your decision. But if you do decide to stay with him, you're going to have to stay with your eyes wide open. He will continue to cheat and you will have to learn to ignore it. Because he will never change and to stay with him and raise hell every time he pulls this shit will only upset you and won't change him one whit.

What explanation are you hoping for following the text? I mean, you know it's the woman he was flirting with and missing...and the lie that's it's Kelly isn't enough to make your call time on the relationship... so subconsciously by messaging him you're hoping for an explanation.

Texting instead of telling him to his face allows time to come up with a story.

The question is... what response would be acceptable to you?

@SandyY2K

What explanation are you hoping for following the text? I mean, you know it's the woman he was flirting with and missing...and the lie that's it's Kelly isn't enough to make your call time on the relationship... so subconsciously by messaging him you're hoping for an explanation.

Texting instead of telling him to his face allows time to come up with a story.

The question is... what response would be acceptable to you?

This is really well put.

The question is... what response would be acceptable to you?

This.

You don’t trust him so anything he says you won’t believe unless he comes out and says he’s cheated. You can’t force him to admit to something if he hasn’t done anything wrong.
But you are certain he is lying or cheating so why are you waiting for him to admit it or come up with another excuse?

Just leave.

More important than what your community penis boyfriend thinks/says/does, he shouts at your baby . Who even cares who he’s inserting his rancid cock into, focus solely on the fact that you’re subjecting your baby to a male who is aggressive towards her. Christ almighty.

@FATEdestiny

There is a massive size difference between a pug and a lab - how do they do it?!

I think they use a step depending upon who is on top

He's a cheat

@SandyY2K What explanation are you hoping for following the text?

Do you know what it is sandy.. I just wanted him to know. I realise now I should have sat on it, but I knew it would just eat away at me and so I got it off my chest. When I sent the message I actually thought "what if he does own up and just say.. You know what. Here we go.. Its true.. I'm having an affair"

But as usual it was deny, dejy, deny.. I love you and only you (same shit he said to me in texts the last time he cheated BTW) that's why even if he isn't doing anything and he means what he says..its just words.

For the first time today I've had that crippling scared feeling. I'm at my mums. I already feel like I've ended it even though I said to him I was having some head space and going back in the morning.

When I told him I was going to my mums he seemed panicky and asked "are we OK?" like nervously and I just said "i need some space I'll call you tomorrow" but he's at work and hadn't text since so obviously not that concerned baring in kind I NEVER stay out.. Haven't for a while anyway.

I think I'm making myself ill over it. I need to be clever about this though and not just up and leave. I need bags packed on standby. I need some cash. I need to process everything and mentally be ready to check out so that it doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks.
Has anyone else prepared to leave months before hand? Please don't verbally attack me, I'm already upset as it is.

I think I'm making myself ill over it. I need to be clever about this though and not just up and leave. I need bags packed on standby. I need some cash. I need to process everything and mentally be ready to check out so that it doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks.
Has anyone else prepared to leave months before hand? Please don't verbally attack me, I'm already upset as it is.

Why do you need time to prepare to leave?
Why are you going to wait for months if you know you’re going to leave? Isn’t that a waste of your time?
I feel like it will be worse waiting for months and won’t help you process things any easier. And it sounds like you’re just trying to slow down the inevitable.
Why don’t you just have a break from each other? Go and get some clothes for a couple of weeks and let yourself get some you time. He knows your going to come back to him right now so he has no reason to tell the truth but if you stay at your moms for a couple of weeks he might think you’re serious and start telling the truth. And if he doesn’t then you can decide if you believe him and want to move back in or not.

Hi OP just read your thread, if it's possible can you stay at your Mum's a little longer to give you some more breathing space? So sorry for what you are going through and whilst my situation is slightly different, don't be me 18 months down the line and still second guessing everything. It's nothing short of mental torture.
It WILL hurt like hell and it possibly will hit you like a ton of bricks but that's normal and you will work through it. Right now ( but not forever ) I'm stuck with my lying feckless bastard of a DH after believing his lies one too many times in the hope that my fears were misplaced.

Just stay at your mums op, take some time to look after you and your LO. Forget him for a while and wonder at how lovely it is not having 3 people in the relationship.

Same as other posters. I would stay at your mum's for a good long while. You may find out that you are happier, and back to yourself. You need some time to relax and stop worrying about what he does or does not do. Focus on yourself and your baby.

Op, my baby was 6 weeks old and 4 weeks out of hospital when I discovered my ex was messing around with his ex partner. I threw him out that night and ended things.

It was awfully hard, and prob took me another year and a bit to finally end things.

I wanted so bad for us to be a family and I loved him so much.

But my love wasn't enough and tbh it was driving me crazy, his ex remained on the scene.

I have taken a lot of support & comfort from the posts on here.

In March I decided that nothing further physically or romantically was happening between us. I didn't even tell him but have spent the last year plus getting myself stronger and separating out of lives with our child.

Since then I have known the greatest freedom, peace and tranquility in a long time.

What made me finally decide to end things between us was the realisation that he wasn't good enough for me. I deserved someone who loved and cherished me. Definitely not someone who would risk losing me by keeping his ex on the line.

I'm so much happier. Don't get me wrong going through it was tough but I didn't want my baby growing up with a mum who was upset, crying and obsessed about whether someone was cheating on me or not.

My baby and I are so happy. My ex and I work together fine for our baby. I hope this gives you some strength and hope. Xx

You don't have to need to be clever in the slightest.

This is so simple.

This guy is a total twat, and he has no respect for you, and if you stay with him, you will feel like this for every day of your whole life.

You will waste your lovely baby's childhood feeling like a piece of shit on this twatty rollercoaster, all for a waste of space shitscrape who doesn't love you, doesn't respect you, doesn't have a clue what a family means. And not because he 'needs saving' or is 'confused' or 'makes mistakes' - no, just because he's a mean little shit who is happy to use you. He wants you there as a babysitter he has sex with. He will always be like this. He lies to you, all the time, because he wants to.

You don't have to prepare anything or be clever. You just need to leave. You can say to yourself, I'm going for a week, and see how you feel at the end of that, then say, another week - if that's easier. Leaving is a big thing. It's ok to just not want to have to go through it. But what you MUST realise is that you are already going through it and that won't change until you get rid of him.

Yes it will be 100 times better for your child. Men like this fuck up solid family life.

I agree you should stay with your mum for a while.

You provide a safe place for him..and you're good to look after his DDs....but he really doesn't appreciate you enough.

Start spending time away when his kids are due over. .so he had no choice but to do all the parenting. Do not facilitate him having them..he should be off work and be able to spend time with them...without your help.

So he knows that you know he lied about it being Kelly? What was his explanation for the lie? Has he admitted he lied?

What is it you think you need to be at home to do vs being at your mum's?

Cash can be got via ATM or a visit to your local branch. Packing, well that can be done when he isn't there. There's many a woman who has left in a rush and then gone back and swiftly got their and their DC's things. I've known more than one who has actually emptied the house of half the furniture, dishes, etc with the help of friends in just a few hours.

And I think you can process and be ready to check out more easily if you are away from the situation. Rather than being smack in the middle of it with him trying to manipulate you.

OP, I recall your other threads. He has been a liar and user from the start.

First he lied/cheated while you were helping him by watching his children.

He lied when having mentionitis about Laura in January. You commented, “I don’t have to worry about this girl texting you do I? I know you’re giving her advice but I don’t want it spilling into texts.” He replied, “Of course not. I’m too in love with you to fuck anything up so please get that thought out of your head now.” That was a lie. Three days after you gave birth, he and Laura exchanged their ”Miss you xxx” texts.

He lied about his inactivity on FB. When you noticed messages, he panicked, blocked transparency, and closed it down.

After returning to work, he suddenly deleted the whole text history between him and Laura, suggesting that they had texted recently.

Now he has again lied about Laura. When rumbled, he lied again. He wants to protect their relationship.

His Ex left him because he compulsively lied and racked up debt. Since then, he has used you financially, emotionally and domestically. He and Ex take advantage of you for child care. You say he always puts her happiness before yours and allows her to change contact on a whim. She sent over the girls 4 days after your C-section, when you were exhausted and in great pain. He didn’t empathize with your suffering. They had actually unilaterally changed contact to every other day without consulting you.

You two are in a dysfunctional dynamic pattern. He repeatedly disrespects you. When you challenge him, he effusively declares his love to get you back in line. I couldn’t diminish my and my daughter’s lives by continuing this train wreck. Lying is a dealbreaker for me, and his showing anger toward a tiny baby is unforgivable.

You and she deserve a stable, peaceful and happy life.

So he has form for getting close to female colleagues. He is a rat, good luck.

I spent weeks building up a strong friends network and support, they all knew it was going to happen and when the pin dropped they were there. I didn't worry about bags, money, nothing. The hardest part was telling him it was over and walking out the door. I was going to be the one that ended it so I could be the strong one. I stayed away for 3days, no contact, crying and then when I was strong enough, went back talked to him about the issues and packed my shit and left. I had it all planned and didn't let him sway what happened, I played the cards.

Op, he's proved to you he's a liar. You don't lie to the people you respect, let alone love. You wouldn't keep a friend like that around, let alone your partner.

Don’t carry on being a fool. You are lucky, you have a mother who said you can stay.,you need to stay with her. She loves you.,
You partner is a scumbag. What a life, looking for lies, is this what you want for your child. He’s only a man ffs. You need to focus on yourself. He will be dicking around when ever he gets the chance. Do not waste years with this man. Stop searching for lies, he knows you will put up with anything - get out now.

Get yourself and your dc packed up, a few bags of necessities and go to your mums.

A simple text to say 'you've lied to me for the last time, I'm leaving you. I'll be contacting you soon the arrangements for moving out etc' and leave it at that.

OP he's been lying and gaslighting you for too long now. You don't need concrete proof of an affair to leave, you can leave because he's a lying bastard.

@mamascorpio thankyou I'm glad it all worked out for you and baby. It's nice to know there's peace at the end of the tunnel...

@MsDogLady goodness.. When I read that back I do honestly think how much more can I actually put up with...

Thank you for your comments, I feel so much better after staying at my mums. We bathed dd, put her down for the night, she zonked straight out, had a few glasses of wine, put the world to right, and just talked. It was so comforting and made me feel so much better. She's worried about my mental health atm and said the whole family are and that theyve been worried what this relationships been doing to my mental health for a long time.

He called me last night swore on his kids lives that he's not doing anything at all. That it's all in my head. He loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he'd never do anything to split the family up. I told him I wasn't discussing anything over the phone and that I'd be back when I'm back. I think I'm gunna go back for some of mine and dds clothes today and stay a few more days at mums. I feel more supported at my mums house and could do with some more time out.

@

Also, he's still insisting he was being honest about the dogs and is still sticking with his story about the dogs being Kelly's and that it's just a coincidence they have the same dogs. Terrible liar.

I can't take anymore gaslighting.i have to protect my own mind and focus solely now on just me and dd.