DP lying about a girl at work..

[Redwine125]

Hi.. I wrote a thread about this ages ago where I suspected my DP of messing around with someone from work. I've name changed since that post but I'll have to give you a bit of a back story...

DP cheated very early on in our relationship.. I forgave him, moved on from it, 3 years later down the line we have a 6 month old baby together.

When I was heavily pregnant, he had mentionitus about some girl at work.. In my last post I called her *Laura so ill stick with that name. A few things didn't sit right with me, conversations they'd had at work which he relayed to me when he got home. One of which she told him she wished she could find someone like him.
I was too pregnant, uncomfortable and exhausted to question him at the time so let it lie.. But I did notice he'd always spray the life out of himself with purfume before he left the house in the morning, was always popping into work on his days off for an hour or two, finishing late some nights, and loads of other stuff I can't really remember now as my heads like mush.

Anyway, I had the baby and then lockdown happened, and I happened to see a text come through off this girl. In the text she'd congratulated him for having the baby, knows all about me, but then told him she missed him and added 3 kisses on the end. He replied and told her he missed her too and couldn't wait for a catch up when they got back to work and added 3 kisses on the end.

Well, I saw red didn't I. Confronted him, yelled, accused.. All of that. He swore blindly it was nothing that he wasn't doing anything and it was just banta (as they all say) so again. I let it lie as I was trying to concentrate on my baby.

Then he randomly shaved his ballsac and pubes all off in lockdown and lied about it, saying he'd accidently shaved too much when he was trying to trim it. There was other stuff too but I can't remember right now...

We've had many arguments about this where I've called BS to his face and its all deny deny deny. He went back to work and on the day he went back to work he deleted thier texts (yes I checked) last week we had a major row because he was off work but said he was going to work to sort something out (a customer he was dealing with) and was away for about an hour and when I checked his call log that night he'd rang *Laura at the time he'd left the house to pop into work. He said she was sorting something out in work for him whilst he was off and he had to ring her for this reason. (I do see all his colleagues numbers in his call log as they ring each other regarding customers)

Anyway. He ended up deleting her number from his phone in front 0f me shouting that he was sick of being accused of stuff... But then tonight.. He came home and said "oh BTW I was talking to Kelly in work today. She's got a pug and a labrador and she's going to breed the labrador and said I could have one of the puppies. Well.. I'd already pre stalked Laura's fb and low and behold on her cover photo she has a photo of a pug and a labrador.

My stomach dropped because I immediately knew he wasn't talking about Kelly he was talking about Laura.

I haven't said anything as I'm sick of arguing with him about it
But why lie AGAIN? Do you think he's just pretending it's someone else so I don't kick off or do you think he's having an affair?

He was with me the entire lockdown. Only left the house to go food shopping. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't go anywhere. I don't know if it's a EA or a crush or what. Advice?

I have read the thread and didn't see this mentioned but you can look at his battery usage in his phone settings and that should show you what apps he has been using, even if he has been deleting and reinstalling to hide it from you. I remember someone on here seeing their dp was using WhatsApp regularly but he didn't have the app on his phone. Just a thought if you did want to find out either way.

A relationship is just exhausting when you think about ways of monitoring and checking up on your partner.

It sounds like he wants the stability of having you in his life, as you're good with his kids, but he doesn't really think about your feelings and he doesn't understand how his behaviour continues to affect you.

He doesn't have the appropriate boundaries with other women, especially for a man who has cheated.

As well as focusing on your baby, focus on yourself. Try and lose the weight, as i know it bothers you... you also mentioned it in the last thread. I know it makes you lose confidence...I've struggled with weight loss myself and speak from experience.

You can go out for walks with the baby... get some healthy eating in your routine and while you're still with him, just watch his actions.

I don't think you'll ever regain the trust...because he's not gone all out to make your feel safe and secure ... which he should have done.... and should do be doing.

His family pressuring you to take him back was wrong on so many levels.

When you leave OP, you will realise how much emotional energy and stress he causes with his pathetic behaviour. Obviously he has a thing for her but that aside he is dishonest, gaslights you, is rude to you and doesn't sounds like he cares about your feelings at all.

I'd absolutely point out how ridiculous he was making himself look calling her Kelly when you can see with a simple google it is in fact the same woman as ever. A puppy from the woman he tries to cheat with so he has more excuses to engage with her- what a treat for you eh .

He's tragic OP, and the fact she is sad enough to fall for it and GP along with it and thinks he is a nice guy she wishes she could have, and can't work out he's a pathetic man who's demo starting his lack of morals- shows she can't exactly be in a good place herself. I'd look to be leaving to be free of the daily grind of the two losers.

I am always suspicious when I hear that someone like your DP doesn't go on social media. Not referring to those people who have never taken an interest in it - it's the ones who come off everything with a big flourish where it always seems iffy. I would bet anything he either has other accounts set up or deletes stuff as he goes along. But deep down you know it doesn't matter really, he walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... but I guess it's a human need to want concrete "proof."

The thing is you already have all the proof you could ever want, you've just rationalised and minimised his lies to protect yourself from the hurt of calling time on this relationship. I can practically guarantee that even if you did get further proof you'd (subconsciously) find a way to minimise and explain it away just enough to tell yourself you need just that one more piece of evidence. I've been there and it messes with your head. Problem is your bar for proof/justification for leaving simply becomes higher and higher whilst your self esteem becomes lower and lower. But you'll get there one day, when you're ready. You have to, because this is not someone you can grow old with without decimating your mental health.

@MyCatHatesEverybody you've hit the nail on the head like. You're not wrong about any of that.

@MyCatHatesEverybody also he came off social media about a month after I'd taken him back. I'd saw he'd sent a message to some random om Instagram randomly flirting (at the same time as he was cheating) obviously discovered this afterwards though and he said "fuck it I'm coming off the lot, I'll do what I have to do to prove to you I'm not going to hurt you again" came off insta, fb, Snapchat and everything else and I've never seen any of them installed on his phone since.

I'm desp to tell him I know who's dogs he's talking about but I wouldn't even know how to write the message and its just gunna cause even more drama. I've such a bad head thinking about it all

It's so hard when you're in the situation isn't it? The thing is if you confront him with what you know about the dogs, in your head it will go like -
You:
Him: Shit you've caught me out, I'm so sorry, I'll do everything I can to prove how much I love and value you

The reality will be more like-
You: I know you're talking about Laura's dogs, not Kelly's
Him: How dare you go snooping, you're paranoid, you won't let things drop will you, if you weren't so controlling I'd not have to hide who I'm friends with, how are we supposed to have a relationship when there's no trust and you won't move on from the past

Oh god. Don't kick off. I text him telling him I know 🙈 I couldn't help myself. I'm waiting to see what his reply will be this time.

Ive said plenty times to him I'm not stopping him from going back on social media if he wants to he can but he always says he doesn't want to, and that he doesn't miss it.

Ultimately you need to process stuff in your own time, we can all tell you xyz till we're blue in the face but your brain will rationalise all his shit until you're finally ready to say "enough." Even now you're probably thinking in the back of your head that you've painted a worse picture of him than is fair because you've not stressed his nice qualities enough to us all...?

I guess I just hoped it wasn't going to be a classic case of once a cheat always a cheat.

There’s a reason this saying exists.

Whether he is cheating again or not is irrelevant.

It is obvious how stressed out you are wondering if he’s going to cheat and constantly second guessing everything he’s doing.
How long can this go on? What does he need to do to prove he’s not cheating?

You will never trust him so it’s best to just end things now before you make yourself ill.

I think it doesn't matter if he has cheated or intends to because the fact is that you don't trust him and so you can't live like that.
When he deleted this girls number off the phone in front of you - what was that about? Because if they need to talk to do with work then surely he has to have her number?
Very few people come off social media. They might but they go back on. I bet you can find him on there through friends of friends.
Anyway I wouldn't be moving house I would be going to my mums.

You made a HUGE mistake by having a baby with someone who cheated on you early in the relationship. This man is a scumbag.

YY to looking at his battery use and, check if he now has a Kelly in his phone.

Did you note down Laura’s number? Check if it’s the same as Kelly’s, he may even changed the number’s contact name to a mans.

If the above is the case, change the number (not the name) to your number so, when he makes contact it’s with you not her.

Or just go to your mums and enjoy being looked after for a change.

I didn't think to note down her number but he's got Kelly's number too.. He's got all his colleagues numbers in there.. I don't want to go into the nature of the job for fear of someone recognising and piecing it together, but the line of work means they all have to be in constant contact with each other.

I even said that to him about deleting her number as hell only have to re add it for work but he was in the middle of a strop and stormed off.

He's replied. The usual when I air my concerns. That he loves me, only has eyes for me, that he wasn't lying and it was Kelly he was talking about and she's going to breed her dog.. All the yuppy stuff I've heard a thousand times before. It's just words.i haven't replied.

He still has his profile on fb never deleted it he just deleted the app from his phone. Never comes up as active (probs had that switched off) and on his fb it's public that he's in a relationship with me so he's not hiding me.

I'm off to stay at my mums for some head's pace

My name is Laura and I have a pug and a Labrador

It's ok, I'm not dicking about with your DP though

@Cherrybakewellll haha don't worry I changed her real name to Laura for the purpose of this thread

Who was the woman he cheated on with at the beginning

@AllsortsofAwkward a young girl he worked with in his previous job. Hence why my heckles go up when he gets mentionitus about a new female work colleague at new job 6 months into it

He could have another phone .

I wondered the circumstances and how he knew the previous girl, sounds like his got history. My friends husband was the same ended up with someone creating an fake account and told her, that her dh had left work an hour and half earlier and he his car was at another work colleague, he had also been chasing anyone with a skirt and met older women in lay bys to sleep with them come home. She knew something was up with his behaviour with her and the tip off. She's now going through a divorce.

You are right to go to your mums. Once you get some head space you can stop trying to play games and catch him out.

This is your and your baby’s Life, it’s not about points scoring and proving him wrong. You KNOW he’s a liar and a cheat.

Stay and accept this is your life forever or leave him.

Hope you have a nice break at your mums. I don’t think your ready to make the leap yet.

I made the jump when ex started to stone wall me. If I’d caught him out he would just go stoney silent, not even look at me and sulk for days. Wouldn’t answer any of my questions. His dad did the same to his mum and I just thought ‘fuck this shit’

Protect yourself financially. This guy is not your ‘soul mate’

Too good to leave, Too bad to stay is a brilliant book. When I finished reading that I was looking forward to a future with out him.

Confront laura. Ask her to tell you the truth. ..
And then leave him.

But you already know dont ya op. ..even without asking laura. You can feel it in your gut.

You don't need to have the app installed to go onto fb... He can easily log on it from a pc browser or even mobile browser like chrome. If he does it while in incognito mode the there is literally no trace of it

Laura is going to admit to fuck all

OP your unhappy. You don’t need proof for that.

Your happiness actually should count for a lot. Stop putting yourself last