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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm screwed arent I?

145 replies

2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 15:35

DP and I are heading for divorce. I can see no other way. DH is a high earner £160k but I've been laid off and have been looking after kids all pandemic 7 +9.
Looking a house equity and mortgage I can get IF i get a job paying around 40k quickly (previous salary) I can get a hse at around £300k which where we are doesn't exist for 3 beds.
DH has savings, good pension, job and will try to go 50/50 to avoid mainteneance for kids. Also has family he can give or loan money.

What on earth am I going to do?? No income yet, can't afford a half decent hse even with one, no family nearby and minimal savings. have worked PT since kids were born.

Is this just a case of kids get a nice live when with DP and a crap one with me??

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 07/08/2020 16:02

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure when one partner earns £160k and one £40k, the lower partner would get the bigger share of the assets. You won't be starting from scratch.

You need to see a solicitor.

Oldraver · 07/08/2020 16:14

Is he DP or DH ?

Surely it's your savings of DH

Wildwood6 · 07/08/2020 16:16

How long have you been married OP? Assuming its been a while any pensions or savings either of you have are marital assets, rather than his alone- it doesn't matter whose name they're in.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 07/08/2020 16:21

Highly unlikely you'll walk into a 40K job right away, the job market is brutal at the moment. If you are currently SAHP and doing all childcare why would that all of a sudden change to 50/50? Wont he be at work? We dont even know what school will be like this upcoming year. You dont go 50/50 just to save him paying child support, you do whats in the best interest of the children, which is ususally maintaining the current senario, especially when one of you isnt and probably cant work right now and the other can. The priority is your childrens welfare and ensuring they have a home to live in, and in your situation right now that is probably staying where you are for the time being.

pheonixrebirth · 07/08/2020 16:22

If your not married then you are screwed unfortunately!
I speak from experience- 18 years together, 3 DC and I walked away with nothing. Unmarried equals no "rights" to anything.

minnieok · 07/08/2020 16:26

Are you married - you say dp? Assuming you have been married 10+ years then you could file for spousal maintenance and the courts can still order child maintenance even at 50/50 but your best option is to negotiate privately for support. A higher share of assets is often awarded but also then will check both parties can be adequately housed, if you can't on your income they will consider interim maintenance but his family's assets are relevant

MikeUniformMike · 07/08/2020 16:26

Get legal advice.
Get main custody and try to keep the house.

wewereliars · 07/08/2020 16:27

if you're married you may well get more than half the equity

ivfdreaming · 07/08/2020 16:31

Starting point is usually 50/50 split BUT depends on whether you gave up a lucrative career to raise the kids - since you've worked per time you will have/should have accrued some of your own pension contributions and doesn't sound like you fully gave up a career so my gut feel is that you won't be entitled to a majority chunk of the assets

spousal maintenance is HIGHLY unlikely - only seems to be granted where there is a salary of millions involved. You can/do work and DH won't be obliged to pay you maintenance for yourself

And if he is a good father then fighting for full custody on the basis of what you can wring out of him financially is unethical

I'd perhaps negotiate with him that the family house is sold and the proceeds used to buy a 3 bed house for each of you - if that means you get a slightly larger share then so be it but you may need to compromise on going after things like his pension

howfarwevecome · 07/08/2020 16:32

Get legal advice.

AzraiL · 07/08/2020 16:32

How can she be heading for divorce if she's not married?

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/08/2020 16:33

OP said divorce so yes, married

itsureis · 07/08/2020 16:47

You may not like this option but get onto the benefits people and see what your entitlement is.
Even if it's only short term.
If you get a rented property then it helps pay towards that until all the equity gets split from the house.
Don't worry ... just stay calm and work everything out - he will hopefully not see you out on the street if it's an amicable split 😬

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2020 16:49

You are entitled to half assets and half his pension so don't panic too much.
He will also have to pay maintenance for his DC.
Your best bet is a solicitor to see what you would actually be entitled to.
It can depend on what you brought into the relationship vs him etc...
Give a few a call. Some may offer a free half our or a reduced first appointment.
See a few if you can in person to get a feel for who would be fighting your corner the best.
Never settle for what he offers as a first settlement.
He will be looking out for himself and his pension.

itsureis · 07/08/2020 16:56

And no it's not a case of "nice living with him / crap living with you"
Kids are clever and know who's been there for them ;-)

My ExP (we weren't married - I'd given up work like you) had a huge wage, had a fantastic house and I have a rental with a postage stamp for a garden.
The kids still love being with me 😘

JulesCobb · 07/08/2020 16:59

His savings and his pension are marital assets.

Dacquoise · 07/08/2020 18:42

Hi OP, Wikivorce is a good place to get an idea of what to expect if this went to court in a divorce. It's based on needs, length of marriage, ages and earning capacity. Spousal maintenance is still awarded depending on the differences in earning capacity. I have recently received a substantial clean break settlement and my ex husband wasn't a millionaire. You definitely won't be left destitute whilst your husband lives in the lap of luxury. I can understand your fear but some advice would put your mind at rest.

LexMitior · 07/08/2020 19:02

Actually I would say you are a good candidate for spousal maintenance; you can get it and your partner doesn’t have to earn millions.

Please use a solicitor, and, because of your soon to be ex’s income, get both child and spousal maintenance court ordered. This offers much better enforcement possibilities in the future.

But get a good solicitor, and shop around. For this kind of income that your soon to be ex has, they will be interested.

category12 · 07/08/2020 19:15

His savings and pension are marital assets along with the house etc.

You'll be OK.

BluebellForest836 · 07/08/2020 19:41

Spousal maintenance ?

Have the kids 60/40 so he pays you.

You get had of his savings and any other assets..

Oopsiedaisyy · 07/08/2020 20:01

Don't use the kids time as a financial bargaining chip for god sake.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 20:23

Thanks for the advice - I had no idea really.
We are married, apologies for confusion. 15 years and I have worked up until 5 months ago but my career did take a big hit as I dropped to 3 days at my firm to look after kids.
DP was able to work FT and abroad and although good with kids/house when here work was always a priority and had been promoted accordingly.
I’m not after spousal support - have always worked but I am worried about leaving the house to go live in a 2 bed flat on the outskirts of where we are now. DP could likely buy me out of house and keep family home.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 20:26

DP will be furious if I try to get pension or savings - I have a decent pension though smaller and some savings, not about a quarter of what DP has amassed in the last 15 years

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 07/08/2020 20:29

Get a shit hot lawyer and talk about a Mesher Order. You are currently the children's primary carer.

And they all say they'll do 50:50. Some do, some don't. Lock the deals in, in court, especially child support.

category12 · 07/08/2020 20:31

It doesn't matter if he'd be furious.

It's what you're legally entitled to.

It's a potential bargaining chip for a better share of the house.

You need to start from a position of strength, not cowed into already taking as little as possible.

You sacrificed for your family unit, you should not be in a radically worse position for doing so with him sitting pretty with everything.

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