I'm screwed arent I?

[2ruddyhot]

DP and I are heading for divorce. I can see no other way. DH is a high earner £160k but I've been laid off and have been looking after kids all pandemic 7 +9.
Looking a house equity and mortgage I can get IF i get a job paying around 40k quickly (previous salary) I can get a hse at around £300k which where we are doesn't exist for 3 beds.
DH has savings, good pension, job and will try to go 50/50 to avoid mainteneance for kids. Also has family he can give or loan money.

What on earth am I going to do?? No income yet, can't afford a half decent hse even with one, no family nearby and minimal savings. have worked PT since kids were born.

Is this just a case of kids get a nice live when with DP and a crap one with me??

Why do you want a mediator instead of a solicitor?

You'll likely have to go for mediation before the divorce, may be useful or may not

You will 100% need a solicitor in order to not be fucked over by him

I hope you soon get into the mindset of where you need to be in order to protect yours and your children's financial future

OP, you're saying your kids are "tiptoeing" around him and he's causing an angry environment at home - this is certainly not a man who "adores" his children. A loving father would not be allowing whatever disagreements he had with you to impact his children in such a way. Why on earth are his children the most important thing "outside of his work"?? His children (and you) should be the MOST important things in his life - period! All of your posts read like you see him with rose tinted glasses yet does not seem to have the same level of respect for you at all. If his work and his attachment to it is how you describe, there's no way in heck he can be an involved father with a 50/50 custody split, especially when he didnt value you spending that time with the children instead of working full time. If he's genuinely willing to step up and prioritise his family now, surely there's no need for a divorce?

16% he would have to give you is over £2000 a month. Plus you'd have tax credits. Plus you'd have whatever earnings from a job if you get one. You're going to be fine.

OP I was you. My ex didn't have the same earning potential, but the principle was the same. I wanted to 'keep it nice' so didn't pursue. On paper we have 50/50 - in reality of course I do his 'childcare' when he's working / away on work trips etc (the alternative is his gf has them - they would rather be with their mum and i'd rather have them - if I went down the cms line, his girlfriend would have them)

Also one of my kids now lives with me full time. He doesn't pay a penny towards him.

So - no CMS. Nothing. He allegedly pays half of everything (activities / clothes etc) but in reality it's far less. He won't pay for things he thinks they don't need ('a new pair of trainers - what's wrong with older siblings hand-me-downs?' Etc. You get the picture) so I end up paying for most things. He wanted me to go back full time after we split to avoid cms. I wouldn't as kids were too young. But he still took advantage of my days off, despite no cms ('your day off - I'm working - of course you should pick them up and cook for them on my day - I'll collect them from you and put them to bed' etc)

But it's 'stayed nice'. Yeah - nice because it's all on his terms and he keeps all his salary, pension etc etc.

If I'd pursued legally from the start I'd be a lot better off.

Don't be me OP. It's an arse. Irritating at best, especially now he has the big house and nice holidays.

Don't get me wrong I'm not destitute. But it's far from fair! (Incidentally I continue to allow it to 'keep it nice'. He has me over a barrel!

Really, please go for what's fair. You don't need to 'fleece him' but if he'd stayed at home and you had been the breadwinner then the situation would have been reversed.

@2ruddyhot

I should have added that DP adores our kids and the 50/50 would mostly be motivated by that. Outside of work the kids would be The most important thing in DPs life, and they are very close. DP wants to be a part time parent about as much as I do.

Do the kids know they aren't as important to their father as his job? Because that would hurt a lot.

My partner got divorced last year. He is a high earner had a massive pension etc she has worked in a part time role.

His ex got 65% of the capital from the house sale as he wanted to keep his pension intact. He also does give spousal plus child allowance despite 50/50 custody because this is what the solicitor advised him for the financial order to get signed off. Also he's a good person who was keen to see equity across the two houses to co-parent effectively.

I understand you don't want to go after his pension or savings but honestly you need to have every asset listed because this is the negotiation of your life. You will need to trade off not taking a share of pension against the house capital for example. Cars etc are all assets, as are personal accounts so you need to make sure he is disclosing everything.

Seriously get some legal advice. ASAP.

@2ruddyhot

DP won't accept that my having the kids and going part-time affected my career as I'm just not ambitious in the same way. I was in a job earning between £40k and £60k depending on performance ( for 3 days work) and thought that was enough. DP was always saying go full-time and we pay for more help but when kids are small I think they need a parent around more, I didn't want to put them in fulltime childcare when we had a combined income of nearly£200k and didn't need the money. I suppose I do think it's unfair that DP has been working fulltime and paying more for everything since we had kids, but on the other hand DPs career has been completely protected from the downsides of having kids as I've done most of the school runs, meetings, activities, sick days and whatever with them.

I'm taking advice on board though and will see about staying in the house if possible, as DP has better earnings, earnings potential, and also has a large inheritance too on the cards.

It’s not about your level of ambition.

You both had children. You felt strongly they needed a parent when they were little and not a nanny or childcare. That’s reasonable. He didn’t cut his hours to make that happen. So you had to. It doesn’t matter if he would have preferred to put them in childcare have you generate more cash. That’s not relevant. You reduced your earning potential because he wasn’t willing to do 50% of the required parental childcare. It’s a cop out for him to make out he didn’t care if they went to childcare - the fact is if the had gone into child care and if he had taken on 50% of drop offs and pick ups, his career would have been impacted. It would.

Your decision to take care of them allowed him to not worry his pretty little head about being late for work or leaving early or not being able to attend evening work events. Because you made that sacrifice.

It’s ok that you did it happily. It doesn’t mean you owe him. He still owes you.

There is fab advice on here - nice job PPs 👏👏👏

Please take it, OP.

I'm in a similar posit having told STBXH i want to separate. i've sought legal advice and been told because l i'll have my 2 boys and worked part time to allow him to further his career i'm entitled to more than half and universal credit will top me up. its not impossible honestly i really hope u find a way xx

he is angry with me all the time
So how's this going to be amicable then?
I divorced a high earner and I got all the house equity so I could buy a house outright. Ex dh kept his pensions.
My current husband did the same basically the same with his ex. He pays child maintenance and spousal also for various reasons,
Op please get a lawyer. It's never amiable, trust me,

I honestly cannot thank everyone enough for the advice, thoughts and opinions, esp. the ones I didn’t agree with, at first. I have a perspective now that I didn’t have before. I get it now. I have made a copy of everything said here, and as I go forward with whatever happens now, this advice will be with me. And yes, you are all right.

It's not easy I know op. I've been through it. But knowledge is power. Good luck to you.

Thank you, people, thank you

@2ruddyhot
Best of luck - hope you build a fantastic new life with your kids! Here’s to looking forward!

It is not going to be easy, OP. Stay strong and come on here for support whenever you have any doubts.

Good luck op

@2ruddyhot

'Is it acrimonious? Why are you divorcing?'

no not acrimonious, I think DP is having a mid life crisis and is angry all the time with me, and very dissatisfied with me since I lost my job. The kids and I are tiptoeing around.
DP won't accept any responsibility, it's all down to me, not supportive enough, not working, not keeping on top of the house etc. - all of this has happened after Covid when we're all on top of each other. Not in love with me anymore.
Personally I also think I deserve better and if we've lost the ability to talk to each other and respect each other then that's it really.

He is really doing a number on you , isn't he? Moving on.....

You do need a solicitor as they will be able to advise you of what your rights are and there are formal court applications required when you split a pension .

There is no "his pension " in a marriage - there are "our" pensions . When a Form E is filled in, each of your assets are listed against the others so eg Your pension 25 k , his pension 200k etc - this will be split to equalise your situations. The same happens with bank accounts and any other assets .

Do NOT take equity in place of pension . Many women are so tempted to do so but really don't. Read more about that in the book below .

If you only read one book read this one

www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/the-wealthy-divorcee-326459.html

You may not need to go as far as a financial forensic but would suggest that you definitely pay for an actuarial report on "his" pension so that you are getting a true and proper value and comparison with yours . There are two levels of report you can get and you have to share the expenses .

Very few people get spousal maintenance now ( I know of one) .

As regards mediation you could lose out depending on the competence of the mediator .

This will work out OK for you if you are sensible and take advice . Who has filed for divorce ?

DP won't accept that my having the kids and going part-time affected my career as I'm just not ambitious in the same way.

Proof, as if any more were needed, that being a high earner doesn't necessarily mean you're clever.

If he really is such a great dad, OP, he won't try to fuck over the mother of his kids. Given that every swine on here is always described as being father of the year, you'll forgive me for being sceptical.

Glad to hear you're taking the advice on here and getting proper expert advice. Do not undersell yourself. There will be no reward waiting for you afterwards, and with good reason: it wouldn't be a moral act, just a foolish and naive one.

it's Monday OP... call someone discreetly and get legal advice

Some really good advice on here op.

I'll just add - try to get a recommendation if you can from someone you know who has had a good solicitor who has helped and supported through a divorce. If you don't know anyone then don't be afraid to see several solicitors until you find one you feel comfortable and positive about. I saw three; the first two couldn't have been less interested and the third was brilliant. I knew from the start that he absolutely had my back and he got me a really good, fair settlement (much better than exh thought he was going to get away with).

Good luck. You are on the road to a happier, better future.