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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm screwed arent I?

145 replies

2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 15:35

DP and I are heading for divorce. I can see no other way. DH is a high earner £160k but I've been laid off and have been looking after kids all pandemic 7 +9.
Looking a house equity and mortgage I can get IF i get a job paying around 40k quickly (previous salary) I can get a hse at around £300k which where we are doesn't exist for 3 beds.
DH has savings, good pension, job and will try to go 50/50 to avoid mainteneance for kids. Also has family he can give or loan money.

What on earth am I going to do?? No income yet, can't afford a half decent hse even with one, no family nearby and minimal savings. have worked PT since kids were born.

Is this just a case of kids get a nice live when with DP and a crap one with me??

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 08/08/2020 08:43

This is your children's future and their inheritance. Do not play nice. You need a good lawyer. Also take copies of everything now.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2020 08:49

@pheonixrebirth

If your not married then you are screwed unfortunately! I speak from experience- 18 years together, 3 DC and I walked away with nothing. Unmarried equals no "rights" to anything.
Her opening line says they are heading for a divorce!
Sootikinstew · 08/08/2020 08:59

Oh op, why do you think you don't deserve to be looked after properly?

I know your clearly not ready to see your H as the knob he clearly is but you need to open your eyes. He is trying to cheat you and his children out of money. He shows this by hiding (yes he is hiding if you don't know about it. He is lying by omision) family money that should be benefitting all of you.

Don't you see you should have been privy to these savings decisions he made because you are married. You are jointly entitled to all assets both physical and liquid obtained during your 15year marriage.

Please don't let him screw you over for the sake of keeping the peace.

I know it's frightening to think of things getting nasty but, so be it. He is willing to allow his children to live hand to mouth when he had the means to make it so different for them. That's no father worthy of any respect.

Tistheseason17 · 08/08/2020 09:45

I agree with PP - do not rush to get a job, yet. Wait it out.
Go for spousal support - you can always reduce it once you are settled in the right job,not just A job.

Please listen to PPs who have done what you ate considering and now regret it. Put you and your children first - he has put himself first and only has big salary, pension, savings because YOU enabled this to happen for him. It's only fair you have half of everything and spousal support.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 10:32

@2ruddyhot

Never heard of a forensic acct but will look it up. Would prefer to be amicable and involve solo toes etc as little as possible
You might prefer to be amicable but if he's already hiding money, he won't be. And he can be as furious as he likes. Not your problem

SHL (shit hot lawyer) required

And keep with the job hunting. Something will turn up eventually.

IveGotFrills · 08/08/2020 10:58

@2ruddyhot

DP will be furious if I try to get pension or savings - I have a decent pension though smaller and some savings, not about a quarter of what DP has amassed in the last 15 years
So what? Take whatever you can get OP. For you & the children to live comfortably. Is it acrimonious? Why are you divorcing?
Fizzysours · 08/08/2020 11:10

OP I am 50 and starting to look ahead to the retirement years. Why should you have an impoverished old age...because you prioritised HIS children? Fair is a 50:50 split of your assets and this includes all equity, pensions, cars etc. If you allow him to steal from you now your kids may have to support you in your elder years. Let him be furious. What's fair is fair.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 08/08/2020 12:37

DP won't accept that my having the kids and going part-time affected my career as I'm just not ambitious in the same way. I was in a job earning between £40k and £60k depending on performance ( for 3 days work) and thought that was enough.
DP was always saying go full-time and we pay for more help but when kids are small I think they need a parent around more, I didn't want to put them in fulltime childcare when we had a combined income of nearly£200k and didn't need the money.
I suppose I do think it's unfair that DP has been working fulltime and paying more for everything since we had kids, but on the other hand DPs career has been completely protected from the downsides of having kids as I've done most of the school runs, meetings, activities, sick days and whatever with them.

I'm taking advice on board though and will see about staying in the house if possible, as DP has better earnings, earnings potential, and also has a large inheritance too on the cards.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ruddyhot · 08/08/2020 12:41

'Is it acrimonious? Why are you divorcing?'

no not acrimonious, I think DP is having a mid life crisis and is angry all the time with me, and very dissatisfied with me since I lost my job. The kids and I are tiptoeing around.
DP won't accept any responsibility, it's all down to me, not supportive enough, not working, not keeping on top of the house etc. - all of this has happened after Covid when we're all on top of each other. Not in love with me anymore.
Personally I also think I deserve better and if we've lost the ability to talk to each other and respect each other then that's it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ruddyhot · 08/08/2020 12:49

Has anyone tried a mediator instead of a solicitor or are they separate and you need both anyway?

OP posts:
fourquenelles · 08/08/2020 12:54

Nothing to add to the excellent advice you have here but just to reinforce the point (sorry for shouting) HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE. What he wants, what he says is irrelevant. That is hard to get your head around when for the past 15 years you have been deferring to the great man of the house but please don't think he will NOT screw you over if he can.

Quartz2208 · 08/08/2020 13:00

His unwillingness to accept it doesn’t make it true though

You have to protect yourself and your children

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/08/2020 13:06

OP, yes mediation is then first step and your solicitor will advise you. You have to mediate before court now. Mediation only works if both parties are entirely transparent and willing to resolve. The mediator can draw up a consent order. It failed for me, utterly pointless. Ex refused to disclose, OW refused to disclose. It was an expensive waste of time.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 08/08/2020 13:08

I should have added that DP adores our kids and the 50/50 would mostly be motivated by that. Outside of work the kids would be The most important thing in DPs life, and they are very close. DP wants to be a part time parent about as much as I do.

OP posts:
Quarantino · 08/08/2020 13:10

DP won't accept that my having the kids and going part-time affected my career as I'm just not ambitious in the same way.

He very much does know that time you spend doing childcare is time you are unable to work.
He very much does know that going part time affects your career and income otherwise why didn't he drop days to provide childcare?
If he's found the magic solution to bring able to provide childcare as well as earning the same amount and having zero effect on one's career then he should have taken that option himself and made a fortune.

Quartz2208 · 08/08/2020 13:11

Does he realise the hit to his career it will take he will be responsible 50% of the time

Quarantino · 08/08/2020 13:11

He cannot simultaneously "adore" his children while actively trying to deprive them of resources. That is not what a adoring father does.

Duchessofealing · 08/08/2020 13:19

OP - I too thought I was getting an amicable divorce and that we would Co parent together afterwards. In short it didn’t work, my ex is a nice man and loves our children, but the second he met someone new we stopped making decisions for the children together. He agrees with me on issues and then ignores me. You are better to have the fight now and take what you are entitled to. I work full time, I love my career but I am so angry with myself that I kept the peace and took less than I was entitled to because in the long run, it didn’t matter. Not sure if it has been mentioned but I got a clause put in the settlement that I get spousal maintenance of a pound a year, but if he goes to the CMS to renegotiate my child maintenance flips to spousal (unless I get remarried). We are 50/50 btw and I get child maintenance. If you want a good lawyer PM me, mine was very fair but firm with me and made sure I understood that I was getting a bad deal in some things.

notacooldad · 08/08/2020 13:31

I should have added that DP adores our kids and the 50/50 would mostly be motivated by that. Outside of work the kids would be The most important thing in DPs life, and they are very close. DP wants to be a part time parent about as much as I do.
Non of this is relevant.

category12 · 08/08/2020 13:51

DP won't accept that my having the kids and going part-time affected my career

Thing is, if he thinks like that and he's no longer on your side in life, then however much you give up that you could claim in order to "keep the peace", it won't be enough for him. You'll just be doing yourself out of a decent future and he'll still be angry at you.

FourDecades · 08/08/2020 13:59

OMG OP. Really hope you get a SHL and go through the courts for a financial settlement.

My XH was a high earner and really thought he was going to walk away with all his pension (worth 6x mine), all his savings, half the house and a salary 4x mine....and me on my £12,000/yr income, very small pension, savings....

Unfortunately for him l had read enough threads on here to be one step ahead the whole time....

BumbleBeee69 · 08/08/2020 14:02

OP you will be railroaded if you're not legally represented 🌺

priceforeverything · 08/08/2020 14:12

Wake up OP your husband is setting you up so that he can walk away into the sunset with another woman leaning you with the minimal he can get away with. He's not thinking about you at all. I strongly advise you to stop feeling sorry foe him and get yourself a shit hot lawyer. Trust me he will do you over if you don't and you will definitely regret it.

Scrapper142 · 08/08/2020 14:12

He doesn't do any admin for the children so now he wants to do 50%? Of course he doesn't. He wants you to carry on with that, revel in any mistakes you make, pick the kids up and Disney dad or pay someone else to do it.

I'd sit down and make a two week schedule of what 50/50 would actually look like (back to school/post lockdown). Splitting all the tasks, equal admin/fun time. Don't mention money. Then show him as soon as he mentions anytime when it wouldn't work for him or he'd need paid child care say that doesn't work for you and put it back on your side. See where the 50/50 actually ends up

BumbleBeee69 · 08/08/2020 14:32

OP you deserve your share 🌺