I'm screwed arent I?

[2ruddyhot]

DP and I are heading for divorce. I can see no other way. DH is a high earner £160k but I've been laid off and have been looking after kids all pandemic 7 +9.
Looking a house equity and mortgage I can get IF i get a job paying around 40k quickly (previous salary) I can get a hse at around £300k which where we are doesn't exist for 3 beds.
DH has savings, good pension, job and will try to go 50/50 to avoid mainteneance for kids. Also has family he can give or loan money.

What on earth am I going to do?? No income yet, can't afford a half decent hse even with one, no family nearby and minimal savings. have worked PT since kids were born.

Is this just a case of kids get a nice live when with DP and a crap one with me??

OP do not be fucking stupid.. this may be the most important decision you ever make... GET A LAWYER

You need to get angry and get some fire in your belly.

He's banking on you to be kind and not fight and be grateful for what he provides you.

You've said he'd get a nanny and have a stranger raise his kids rather than their mother. Wages against maintenance would be a similar outlay, so its not about the money. Whether its true or not that's what you think of him, what you believe he's capable of, that this vindictive side exists in him. So you know who he is, do you really want that for your kids?

OP, PLEASE listen to what everybody is telling you. You are also primary carer, you are NOT going to lose your kids because he earns more. It doesn't work like that. I realise that this is a learning curve if you've never come across anybody being divorced before, but you are so completely naive to how this works that it's really really important that you get some very good legal advice. I mean this kindly, but you really have to stop being "nice". He is NOT going to be "nice".

With a salary of £160k his pension pot is also likely to be huge.

The default position is that you each own 50:50 of all marital assets.

So you own 50% of the equity in the house, 50% of that £50k in the bank, 50% of his pension pot and 50% of any investments he has tucked away. That belongs to you. That isn't him doing you a favour.

Often, the value of half the pension pot is not far off half the value of the house. So. If you are entitled to half his pension pot and that is used to pay off a chunk of the mortgage, maybe you could afford to pay the remaining mortgage yourself and stay in your home.

That isn't him being generous. That is just the normal starting point in ending a marriage. And that's before you begin discussing maintenance or anything like that.

Protect your children.

See www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/divorce-and-money-calculator

Download the spreadsheet.

Please don’t obsess about buying- in my opinion it’s better to have a lovely suitable and nice rental and lift your mood than a shit house in a crap area— with Brexit looming it’s likely we will get a house price crash too , so not exactly a great investment. Spousal maintenance is perfectly on the cards - it most certainly does still exist in many situations where there is a long marriage , assets not instantly available and not involving millions. !! A good lawyer told me this. Make sure on the quiet you know all his details now, salary, assets, savings, pensions etc. Protect yourself and a few years down the line youvwont care that you had to be a bit sneaky to do so. I’m sorry OP, it’s so shit when you feel like this. Doesn’t matter how great your life is on paper, when shit hits the fan , it’s still super shitty .

Please listen to pp OP. My father was/is a very high earner. Him and my mother divorced when I was young.

My DM was similar- “reasonable” and “amicable”, agreeing to his not dissimilar terms. When they got together she earned more than him.

After the divorce, we grew up really struggling as she was a single mum looking after us with limited career options while we were young. (She is now retrained and back in a high earning role, but this was throughout our childhood). It was so hard watching her struggle and stress, get in debt and worry about money every day.

My father on the other hand, quickly remarried and had children- they all lived in extreme luxury with giant house and would holiday in Caribbean and ski trips galore. We would go for a week in a Haven with mum saving newspaper tokens.

The injustice felt very real and whilst I can understand mum’s initial reaction (like yours), I know that she absolutely regrets this. It is for your kids, and for you. Their future selves would want their mum and them to be treated fairly and with a bit of respect as he happily fucks off into the sunset.

All he cares about right now is getting away with giving you the bare minimum and he will expect you to be grateful and if you’re not you’ll see his true colours/agenda. Good luck (apologies for the essay!)

Make sure you go for pension money and savings too, he wouldn't be in the position he is now if it wasn't for you running the house/family and sacrificing your career to do so.
Agree with others, you need to think of yourself now and get what you are entitled to.

If you’re not even going to fight for fairness while he’s pushing you to get a job so he pays less and has money stashed that you didn’t even know about then yes, you will end up screwed. You’re not ripping him off, you’re getting what is legally considered fair. It shouldn’t affect how you parent together in the future. You’ve really got to stand up for yourself and get some proper legal advice. It sounds as though he already has. He knows exactly which way to push you to save himself money. He also sounds like he’s a cruel man saying you couldn’t afford to visit your parents while having money you didn’t know about.

You need a solicitor. You only get one chance at a fair split of assets. In five years time you can't realise you were silly and didn't get what you were entitled to and ask for the property division to be changed.

You need to look out for yourself - he certainly will be.

The average pension pot of a man in the UK is £73,600. The average pension pot of a woman in the UK is £24,900.

That is precisely because women are not paying into their pensions for years while their men continue to get pay rises. While they raise the children for their husbands, who wish to be fathers and who get to be fathers because of the sacrifices of their wives.

And if all had worked out, you would pay off your mortgage together and retire together and live off (primarily) his pension and investments together.

But that won't happen. It didn't work out.

So you need to ensure you don't screw over your children by trying to be 'nice'. The starting point is that you each own half of everything. So he will need to produce details of his pension pot. And if he earns £160k and has £50k cash assets, then I bet you he has investments too that you don't know about and that he may hide throughout the divorce.

So at a minimum get half of what you know about. He will undoubtedly keep 100% of the money you don't know about.

And with that money, you give your kids a good life, in a nice home, with days out and holidays and as little change as possible from the life they have now.

As others have said, he could wake up and meet someone else and not act like a good father - you can't guarantee that he will behave well no matter how well you think you know him. If he does, great. If he doesn't, make sure you have enough to take care of your kids without you working 3 jobs......

You need to get angry. You attitude reminds me of me when I got divorced, no lawyers and complete break.

Main difference is, we had no children and the only thing we had was the house, which I hadn't put any money into, I was also the higher earner, so I was easy with the outcome.

Your situation is so different, if he is already hiding money and saying me can do this without lawyers, then he is trying to screw you over big time, doesn't give a shit about you or the children and you need to get really really angry and protect your children, you don't want to look back on this in a few years, when he is living it up and you are a single mother struggling to put food on the table

If you do not seek Legal Representation then YES you are Screwed OP ...

How much equity is there likely to be in the house OP?
You would be entitled to 50% of his and your own pension built up during the time in which you are married. In your case 15 years.

If his salary increased a lot after you bought your current house, it's entirely possible your half of his pension will be enough to buy him out of the house outright.

This explains nicely why you might get more than 50% of current assets - assuming you aren't about to walk into a £160k job. Assuming you will need to work, you may well need to pay for childcare too - so they will take account of both your current earning potential and his.

According to some divorce website:
"It is a common misconception that on divorce a couple's assets are split 50/50. It is true this is the starting point but it is not applied in every case.

The court can deviate from a 50/50 division if it is fair and reasonable to do so. Factors that determine this include:

The effect on the welfare of any children of the marriage under 18. If one party is responsible for caring for the children, their needs will take priority. This may include being entitled to more of the capital in order to buy a bigger home.
The reasonable needs of the parties. Those of the economically weaker spouse take priority and this could mean them taking a greater share of the assets.
The current and potential earning capacity of each party. For example, a wife who gave up her career to look after children may need more capital to buy a home big enough to accommodate an au pair to look after them when she goes back to work. Similarly, one party may have the ability to pay a higher mortgage than the other and should, therefore, receive a smaller capital sum than their ex-spouse.
Other factors include the loss of benefits through divorce (such as pension rights), the parties' ages and the couple's standard of living during the marriage.

Having said all the above, the general principle is that the family assets should be divided equally. This is the so-called "yardstick of equality" specified by the court in the landmark House of Lords case of White v White in 2000. "

I would

Doesn't sound like he's sat worrying about how you're going to struggle? So why are you worrying about him when he isn't actually going to struggle?

In the nicest possible way, you need to fight for what you are entitled to because this man will financial screw you over. He has already been telling you that the account is in it's overdraft whilst,he has large sums of savings and spending lots of money on hisself.

He might be playing nice now but I can guarantee that he will screw you over. Definitely higher a forensic accountant, my friend sorted out all their finances fairly and then later found out he had hidden huge sums. Also, make sure you get that child maintenance locked in. I've got friends that are being screwed, ex pleading poverty because they have upgraded their lifestyle, ex who ever time he takes his child away cuts his child maintenance.... funny he doesn't add more for when he doesn't see his child that month!

Please listen to PPs who have said you should get a solicitor who is experienced in dealing with high earners. You can still divorce amicably with a good solicitor but be prepared for your DH to turn nasty when he realises he will be expected to pay what you are entitled to rather than what he considers to be fair. This is for your children's sake as well as your own.

I was in a similar position divorcing a high earner though I was not working and I ended up with all the equity in the house as I gave up rights to spousal maintenance whilst he kept his pension. He continues to pay child maintenance of course as this is separate to the divorce settlement.

Please seek legal advice.

Him being angry that you want to take money/assets that you deserve and have a right to would make me want to take them even more. Don't screw yourself over for someone who was already thinking ahead to screw you over.

Thanks again, don’t want it to be nasty
I have no intention of asking for any spousal maintenance as I think that would be unfair and destroy our future relationship as parents. DP will have own bills to pay as a single parent
I have deffo come across money I didn’t know was there, not hidden exactly but not open. I’ve been scrimping and scraping as I have no income, but DP has paid all household bills, then discovered DP has £50k in savings acct I didn’t know we had

Stop being so bloody wet and stick up for yourself and get what you are entitled to for your futures sake and for the sake of your kids.

I can't advice on the legal side but as others said get yourself a good solicitor and start looking after your future because that is what your husband has already started planning his without you.
You are being very naive and stupid if you think it is gig to be amicable. He is going to try and keep as much as he can for himself. He has already proved that.
You can try amicable once it's over settled and calm but you need to be ready for a bumpy ride.

Please don't be dumb. Get a strong solicitor who knows her stuff in these matters.

Stop burying your head. Get legal advice ASAP. Go through all accounts you have and the ones you think he has. You will be entitled to a share of his pension. You need to get a stop on the accounts so that he doesn't transfer money elsewhere.
You are being very naive and stupid if you don't do anything. He is not your friend and he will totally screw you over if you don't do anything now!

@2ruddyhot this is going to be nasty anyway you can just tell. So you can either roll over and put your own and children’s future on the line or you can get a fair settlement (which is minimum 50/50 of all financial assets)

I have every intention of getting a solicitor and was aware that it’s 50/50 incl pension but was worried that’s not enough to get a house/look after kids.
I don’t think DP has hidden money eaxactlt we e just never sat down and talked about how much money is where. I knew about the savings acc Just not amounts.
I will get copies of everything, and on the job front want to work anyway regardless of the divorce so my unemployment is hopefully temporary.
Thanks for advice

It’s not 50:50
It’s a fair share
That can be more or less than 50% which is why only your solicitor can advise

Don't get a job yet.