I'm screwed arent I?

[2ruddyhot]

DP and I are heading for divorce. I can see no other way. DH is a high earner £160k but I've been laid off and have been looking after kids all pandemic 7 +9.
Looking a house equity and mortgage I can get IF i get a job paying around 40k quickly (previous salary) I can get a hse at around £300k which where we are doesn't exist for 3 beds.
DH has savings, good pension, job and will try to go 50/50 to avoid mainteneance for kids. Also has family he can give or loan money.

What on earth am I going to do?? No income yet, can't afford a half decent hse even with one, no family nearby and minimal savings. have worked PT since kids were born.

Is this just a case of kids get a nice live when with DP and a crap one with me??

get copies of everything asap OP - financial documents - he WILL hide things

dont be too nice either, he will absolutely screw you over. guaranteed.

get a shit hot lawyer. like now

You need to get a good solicitor, one experienced in women divorcing high-paid men, and listen to what she tells you.
You've probably gotten used to accepting whatever your husband deigns to give you and put on a cheerful face about it, but you are legally entitled to a number of things including shares of pensions etc, and you can bet your bottom dollar that if you could see into the future and compare how difficult he is if you take his lowball offer vs if you'd taken everything youre actually entitled to, the ONLY difference would be that with the first one you'll be financially screwed and with the second, you wont.

There is no keeping the peace when you divorce! This is the equivalent of taking your GCSEs, you either get a good settlement now or you don't, theres no going back later to have another go once you've seen how angry he gets at having to give you any of "his" money.

If he needs you to cower away into the cold and dark with a tiny pittance in order to still be a parent to his kids, then hes a shit parent.

Who cares if he's furious about sharing 'his' pension? You cutting your career back and going PT enabled him to pursue him at that level. It's your pension, too. Start viewing it that way.

dont be too nice either, he will absolutely screw you over. guaranteed.

He's already trying! £50k undisclosed savings

Wake up OP

Two words: forensic accountant.

seriously Get one.

Yes. You get one go at this. In a few years do not be one of these women who wanted it to be nice. When you are going without and so are your kids, you will regret it: he will likely have carried on with a good career.

I don’t know why you are getting divorced, but if it the core it is because he lacks respect for you and expects you to do the graft then you get paid for that.

Do not go and get a job. Get the divorce going and apply for maintenance pending suit.

GET LEGAL ADVICE

there that is what you need to do a decent family divorce lawyer to get the right balance.

Not for you or for him but for your CHILDREN. The ones who need it.

His savings and pension arent his - they are marital assets and a clean financial break would take them into account. They would be included in a 50/50 split. Indeed I suspect any decent judge wouldnt sign off on a agreement that didnt have a proper 50/50 split

Why do you keep saying dp?
Everything goes into the pot including all savings and pensions. It doesn't matter whose name it's in in a long marriage.
You need a forensic accountant as others have said.
You probably know only a fraction of what you both have.

‘Why do you keep saying dp?‘

Because we usually say partner rather than wife etc so habit. We are married, and we do have 2 kids together.

Never heard of a forensic acct but will look it up.
Would prefer to be amicable and involve solo toes etc as little as possible

Do you understand spousal maintenance is a different thing from child maintenance? You are entitled to a percentage of his salary, for 2 kids it's 16% of his gross salary he has to pay you.

On top of that you'll get tax credits to top up your wage if you can't get that 40k job and instead take something part time for now. This can be quite a lot of money. When I was in the same piusition I earned £500 a month and was topped up with a £800 in tax credits. They don't include child maintenance from your ex when they calculate how much tax credits you get.

Online you can do child maintenance calculators and tax credits calculators.

Don't be afraid of him or of getting what your entitled to!

My main worry, again, was that I would not be able to have the kids with me because of finances and that DP would be able to get them as the brwaxwinner

Breadwinner.

Try to think about this from your kids pov. He's willing to conceal money rather than see them comfortably housed. He's one of the highest earmers in the world, but restricts visits to their grandparents and threatens thent and their mother with poor housing and limited life opportunities, just so that he can live in luxury. If you end up in poor housing it will affect their education and their health and their future life opportunities. But he can afford his hobby and keep hold of his pension.

If a stranger threatened to do that to your kids you would be full on protective mother fighting for their rights. But their Dad, who should be protecting and nurturing them, appears to be getting away with it.

Sorry, i get so mad about dead beat dads, particularly wealthy ones, who damage their children like this out of their own greed. Please fight to protect your kids

You are crazy if you do not get a solicitor. Or you relish being poor and looking after your kids.

Do you want to find yourself saying on here in five years time, saying you wish you hadn’t compromised?

I don’t know what you did before, but beating a high earning man is not simple. You will have to take it away from him. He’s going to use all those skills that made him a high earner against you. That won’t be amicable.

I honestly feel sorry for you... he is going to walk all over you in this divorce and you will come out the other end struggling

Involve solicitors as little as possible?

Are you mad?

Amicable = him fucking you over. Forget amicable and get yourself a shl

You need to fight for every penny FOR YOUR KIDS!! Don’t let him walk all over you. It IS fair, that’s why lawyers are able to argue your case.

He won't get custody of the kids based on the size of his wage,or at least, I very much doubt it.

You need to get a cool logical head on. Martyring yourself is highly unlikely to make him play nice, especially since he has already been deceiving you for his own ends. Its far more likely to encourage him to go on taking the piss, in my view

ASAP: SHL & copies of all financial information; Take everything you are entitled to; Take and follow SHL advice. Smile sweetly.

Please learn from my mistakes. He will seem amicable but he's looking after himself - NOT you or the children.

@candycane222

You are on the money. He will see every kind overture as weakness.

Get maintenance pending suit. Take control. You are divorcing. You will be captain of the ship from now on, no partner, only money to ease the challenges of being alone. Get the money for the children. You have to do it.

He is ending the marriage. He needs to do the work to ensure it's amicable.

You are trying to protect your children and ensure there is no animosity.

But you need to think more clearly now. The best way you can protect the futures of your children is if you make absolutely sure you get a fair settlement in the divorce. Stop thinking if you don't seek what is rightfully yours - and it is - then you will still have a friend in him. It might work out that way. It might not. Getting what is yours doesn't guarantee bad feeling, just as getting nothing doesn't guarantee goodwill.

Your children will be relying on you to provide for them. Whatever you get, you know you will use for their benefit because that is in your control. The moment you separate you have no guarantee he will behave like a good father. He could meet someone else tomorrow and prioritise them over his children. He may not. But he may.

So. Get proper advice. Stop acting like it's noble not to get what is yours financially from the marriage. You allowed your husband to progress his career and have children, without having to take time off to bear them and care for them and now that he has his children, if he is ending the marriage he needs to ensure you are compensated for the fact he is now financially more stable than he is - you sacrificed income to benefit him and so if there is £50k savings in the bank, you already own £25k of that. It belongs to you. The fact that you don't already think like that is very telling and maybe he has encouraged you to think this way over many years. Because you thinking like this benefits him. Not you. Not your children.

If he can afford to pay the mortgage on the house and buy himself another property to live in, then that would be least disruptive for the children. You can sell the house when the kids are 18 and split the equity at that point, when you living in a smaller property won't impact your children so much. Don't be so quick to give up your children's home or your and their financial security. Don't allow a situation to develop where they split their time between their rich dad and their poor mum - that won't be good for them.

Seriously. Stop thinking you don't deserve to keep assets bought from his salary just because you were busy raising his children. If you hadn't been doing that, you could have been earning and he could have been stalling his career to look after them instead. As a family you made those decisions. He doesn't get to gain all the benefits while you scrimp and save for the next decade.

sorry - he is now financially more stable than you are

Please stop being so naive, OP.
He wanted you to go back to work so he could get a better divorce deal,he's planning 50/50 to not pay maintenance - wake up and smell the coffee. He's not planning amicable.
Get your ducks in a row - lawyer, forensic accountant, counsellor.