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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm screwed arent I?

145 replies

2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 15:35

DP and I are heading for divorce. I can see no other way. DH is a high earner £160k but I've been laid off and have been looking after kids all pandemic 7 +9.
Looking a house equity and mortgage I can get IF i get a job paying around 40k quickly (previous salary) I can get a hse at around £300k which where we are doesn't exist for 3 beds.
DH has savings, good pension, job and will try to go 50/50 to avoid mainteneance for kids. Also has family he can give or loan money.

What on earth am I going to do?? No income yet, can't afford a half decent hse even with one, no family nearby and minimal savings. have worked PT since kids were born.

Is this just a case of kids get a nice live when with DP and a crap one with me??

OP posts:
HoochieCoochieMan · 07/08/2020 20:34

When you're married all assets are shared. So it's not his pension, his savings etc. Everything you both have goes into one big pot and is then shared based on need. Typically you'll start at 50/50 and then adjust based on future earning potential/ housing needs/ whether you've sacrificed a career to care for children etc. Get a solicitor and ignore what your DH thinks you're entitled to. Child maintenance is a separate issue to any divorce settlement.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 20:37

Mesher?

OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 07/08/2020 20:40

Why does it matter if he’s furious ? Don’t let him walk all over you.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 20:42

Thanks again, don’t want it to be nasty and wish we could have a clean financial break but at the moment it’s not possible.
Dp was pushing for me to job hunt and it turned out that wasn’t for me( as I thought, helping career) it was because DP wanted to divorce and was worried about paying maintenance

OP posts:
category12 · 07/08/2020 20:45

But if the choice is him being angry and you getting shafted, please choose him being angry.

If he's been planning an exit from the relationship for some time, you need to get legal advice asap - you will probably find he already has.

countdowntofriday · 07/08/2020 20:46

It makes me sad and so so mad that over and over here you see women prepared to take less than they're entitled to to keep the peace. You'll already never make the amount of money or have the pension you would've if you hadn't sacrificed your career for his. And if keeping a good relationship is so important, why do we never see the men offering to give up more that they have to in order to ensure that their kids don't miss out?
Please go and read some of the long running threads about divorce. These men (almost) always threaten that they want 50% custody, don't want to give their wives anything and try to persuade them that they're being so very generous by offering something shitty that really is trying to cover up the big fat pension they have. The wives play nice and get screwed over and over and in the end the husbands turn nasty anyway.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2020 20:48

Gosh some of the comments on here are total bullshit.

Op speak to a solicitor, you don’t automatically get more because you earn less and spousal maintenance is as likely as finding rocking horse shit.

The starting point is a fifty fifty split of all assets that came into thr marrige since the marriage, you may be entitled to some of his pension which can be negotiated in return for increased equity etc. But it’s a negotiation. He will need to pay child maintainance and you’ll be expected to get back into work, he likely needs to support you for a period until you do

Speak to a solicitor and do this properly op.

Dollyrocket · 07/08/2020 20:50

You need to stop worrying about your STBXH getting furious!

You have up earnings / career potential to look after your JOINT children. ‘His’ pension and savings are so much more in part because you have enabled him to work! Therefore, you are due a share.

category12 · 07/08/2020 20:54

Also Flowers for you - it sounds like it's been a shock? And not your choice of outcome? I'm sorry.

LexMitior · 07/08/2020 20:59

I think you are in a good position. Pro vided you do two things.

A) ignore your husband on finances. The fact he’s zeroed on that tells you his priority.

B) Get a good solicitor, please. You could easily get SM if you had a good one.

You will do A and B for your kids. Ignore your husband. In his mind, he is Mr 50 per cent. The courts are full of idiots like him and they lose. Don’t let him win by agreeing to his inevitable first offer which will be rubbish.

You are getting divorced. It’s no longer personal, this is business for your future and your children.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/08/2020 21:01

I've been through this. You really need a solicitor. There is some terrible advice here. ALL assets go into one pot, including his pension, and it is split, the starting point is 50/50. Because of the ages of the children, you would likely retain the marital home, however, this is dependent on so many factors. You asked about a mesher order...this is where you can stay in the family home until the youngest is 18 or finishes full time education. The property is then sold and the equity divided as per the original order. Judges don't like these really, they prefer a "clean break". It really doesn't matter what your DH thinks about any of it, there is a formula in law that will be applied, he is not exempt from that. Please seek legal advice.

suzy2b · 07/08/2020 21:05

I thought that you could stay in home untill children were 18 when i was divorce i got the house.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 21:07

This is an eye opening and I do appreciate the advice. I’ve had doubts on and off for a couple of years re relationship but thought it would work. As soon as I lost job though DP was very focused on finances/money even though as a family we have everything we need and with COVID I thought at least I can focus on kids and not be trying to juggle like so many working parents.
Feel a bit of a mug quite frankly.
My main concern is keeping a roof ( with me) over kids head. Happy to hear there may be some options.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 07/08/2020 21:08

i think you need to stop worrying about him getting angry and think about you and your children's long term future. you sacrificed your career for the good of the family unit.

i'd start checking exactly what's going on with his savings, he could be concealing things already to stop you "getting your hands on it". some men can be absolutely ruthless as is often demonstrated on here.

Purpleartichoke · 07/08/2020 21:13

Get a lawyer and get your fair share of the pension and savings. He wouldn’t have those if you hadn’t been there to take hits to your career while his flourished. You have earned that money just as much as he has.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 21:14

I have deffo come across money I didn’t know was there, not hidden exactly but not open. I’ve been scrimping and scraping as I have no income, but DP has paid all household bills, then discovered DP has £50k in savings acct I didn’t know we had. Acct is in DPs name. DP says we can’t afford certain things - seeing my parents, about £300 in flights, but then. Or tells me I need to get a job ASAP as we are in joint account t overdraft. But Spends £1k plus on hobby equipment.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/08/2020 21:17

You may need a forensic accountant as well as a good solicitor.

You need to get a bit angry here - he's hiding family money (it's not his).

Take copies of any financial information, like that savings account.

GingerBeverage · 07/08/2020 21:21

I don't suppose his hobby is golfing?

Techway · 07/08/2020 21:24

@suzy2b, if your divorce was years ago it may have been more likely the case but generally assets split 50:50. For example you may have got the equity in the house but he retained his pension.

Bluntness100, I am not sure when/where you got divorced but pre martial assets can go in the pot as the priority is housing and the marriage medium to longterm especially where children are involved.

Spousal maintenance can be awarded and still is where one partner is a very high earner and the other parent lower earner/gave up career. It is however likely to be set for a period of time, maybe 3 years or it can be paid in a one off lump sum.

Pensions have to be included, they are effectively savings gained through the marriage. Had you allocated money to your pension it would also go in the pot.

Most important is solicitor but make sure you deal with someone who knows how to handle aggressive men.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/08/2020 21:31

OP, I would strongly advise you to take copies/photos of anything financial you can get your hands on at the moment. Especially things like statements for savings accounts. They all start out being "reasonable", that doesn't last long. It would be very worthwhile to gather as much information as you can as quietly as you can.

You have plenty of options. @Techway also speaks a lot of sense.

Original poster
2ruddyhot · 07/08/2020 21:41

Appreciate everyone being so kind. I have no intention of asking for any spousal maintenance as I think that would be unfair and destroy our future relationship as parents. DP will have own bills to pay as a single parent.
I honestly thought I might lose kids as DP can afford to take family home over, give me my share of equity, get a nanny and keep them whereas I would barely be able to give them a home and provide

OP posts:
category12 · 07/08/2020 21:44

He earns £160K, OP - don't worry about him paying his bills. He can sell his £1K hobby equipment if he's that hard up Hmm.

Come on now.

SusieOwl4 · 07/08/2020 21:48

You need to find a lawyer that specialises in family law . Gather any information you can . And then just go in for the free half hour most of them give . That hopefully will put your mind at rest .

carly2803 · 07/08/2020 21:53

get copies of everything asap OP - financial documents - he WILL hide things

dont be too nice either, he will absolutely screw you over. guaranteed.

get a shit hot lawyer. like now