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Original poster

Husband suddenly weird with phone

178 replies

clockflower · 07/08/2020 14:07

Does anyone have any advice? Since lockdown started, my husband has been edgy with his iphone. He mostly leaves it turned off in the morning bfore work. It's quite often on mute. He says it keeps going to mute by itself?!
I haven't checked his messages as I feel like that would be invading his privacy, but I'm afraid to say that I checked his messenger settings on our shared ipad and he has secret conversations activated. I never use facebook messenger.
He must also have turned off notifications because when I whatsapped him recently he never got it and it was only when I asked him about it that he opened WhatsApp and read it?!
He just seems suddenly different with his phone! What would you do? I don't feel like I can ask him really as there's nothing concrete to say.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 14/08/2020 15:31

I think you can put 2 sims in one phone so maybe he did that while he was home op? Hence the photos & silent phone.

My friend’s daughter has an oppo phone that can have two sims.

usualreaderonly · 14/08/2020 16:05

My husband also stayed up later than me to use a second phone. He left his phone at home one morning and was crazily driving miles back home for it which I thought was strange at the time but had no clue. He also had pay as you got sim card credits coming out of his bank account which was a dead giveaway as we had contracts.

Happygogoat · 01/09/2020 16:36

Is there an update OP xx

Settleandcalm · 01/09/2020 22:55

Ah this thread brings back brutal memories of DHs affair, still denied to this day. The blocking from going to our joint business, the two phones, photos with different date stamps, secret purchases and the gaslighting bollocks of it all. How they think we are so stupid is beyond me. I divorced him without the evidence because I knew.

I really hope you worked it out OP and you are in a better place.

VivaVegas · 01/09/2020 23:45

I had this and surprise surprise he was having an affair with a colleague. We are now divorced and he lives with her, after lying, denying and gaslighting me forever.
I hope it's not the same fir you as it's bloody awful.

Original poster
clockflower · 02/09/2020 12:54

The update is that since he has been back at work the weird behaviour has stopped, which would make sense if he either has a second phone at work or things are back to 'normal' for him. A couple of posters on here suggested that was why I had picked up on something, because lockdown might have disrupted communications for him so he had to rely on his iphone at home.

I really do not know what to think! I don't get much chance to check his phone but what I have seen, there is nothing out of the ordinary there.

The only other change recently is that he was really tense for a couple of evenings last week when we were watching TV, I could see it in his body language. He is usually very relaxed. But he was continually holding his fingers to his lips and I've only ever seen him do this in the past when he has been really worried about something. But that appears to have subsided a bit since last week.

I asked him if he was worried about anything and he said no.

Something is going on, I just can't find out what it is. I don't think there is anything else I can do but just wait.

OP posts:
Settleandcalm · 02/09/2020 13:25

You’ve the patience of a saint! Is he working later? Going out at all without you? Hobbies? Anything where he could be having an affair?

If not I’d say it isn’t another woman it’s some form of hidden habit.

Yeahnahmum · 02/09/2020 13:53

You have a gut feeling op...
Female intuition!

You know something is up . Get to the bottom of it.

Dontletitbeyou · 02/09/2020 13:56

If not I’d say it isn’t another woman it’s some form of hidden habit.

^ This .
Since body language forms a significant part of how we communicate , if you feel something is amiss , it probably is .
Alternatively, it could be that you have a concern, and you are overthinking every little thing . Just a possibility
I guess you are right , you are going to have to watch and wait . If he’s up to no good , it’s inevitable he will trip up sooner or later . I’d not feel that a lack of evidence of wrongdoing on his phone clears him though. Many people who cheat are meticulous in removing any and all evidence ( given that they have the technical skills to do so )
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst would be my best advice . Others here are right , you are remaining very cool , probably the best way if you want him to relax and slip up (if he’s doing anything wrong )I’d have lost it by now .

Cocacola12 · 02/09/2020 13:59

I think the planting of a phone in his car and turning on location sharing with it is a really good idea. It definitely sounds like he is hiding something be it another woman or a habit. Good luck OP

Msonamission · 02/09/2020 14:11

I agree that location sharing is probably the only way you're going to solve this one. However, it's high risk to hide a phone in a car. And you'd need access to retrieve it regularly to charge it. It all depends on what make the car is and whether it's kept clean or whether it's usually messy. With a new-ish, tidy car, perhaps there's a compartment in the boot which houses the jack or a first aid kit? Perhaps it could be hidden in there.
I wouldn't want to take this risk though. You want to be squeaky clean in this one.

managedmis · 02/09/2020 14:14

Does he have Google time line on his phone?

Settleandcalm · 02/09/2020 16:11

To be honest if you hit the stage you are willing to invade a partners privacy by hiding phones and tracking, the trust is gone and your marriage is totalled anyway.

Been there, didn’t do it, but it was the wake up call to say it was dead proof or not.

Original poster
clockflower · 16/09/2020 13:58

Finally I think I may have a reason for his weird phone behaviour! I have seen from his phone who he is secret messaging!

Her messenger profile pic appears twice on his list of contacts. The second one has the black and white padlock over it. Unfortunately there are no messages to read. At least I know who it is now. I only know of her. I can't have said more than a dozen words to her. She lives locally.

I don't know what to do now. Since going back to work after furlough he is back to his pre-lockdown self and seems normal.

She is married and quite a bit younger than me. I can't see that her and him would have anything in common at all! I also can't see how they'd have any opportunity to have a physical relationship. It's really really odd. I partly wonder if I'm being set up, but that might just be paranoia.

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 16/09/2020 14:33

Weird behaviour and the evidence you have re secret messaging of a female known to you = devotion in one way or another. What are you thinking re next steps.... ? Will you present him with this, or call his bluff and dash you know all about him and her, see if he a admits it. Do you know where she lives, perhaps you could stake her place out, see if he turns up or have her followed...

Original poster
clockflower · 16/09/2020 14:52

Think I might leave it to karma ... and in the meantime start concentrating on myself...

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/09/2020 15:12

How about putting a cheap/old phone plus cheap sim with all the tracking turned on into his car and see where he goes. Or a gadget off Amazon. If you know where she lives you'd pretty quickly know he was going there (or somewhere else).

sunnydays78 · 16/09/2020 15:13

Do he go out regularly in the evening? Or does she maybe work with him?

Springxchicken · 16/09/2020 15:41

Look at his messages. Open any from a women you don't recognise. Why shouldn't you? Nothing should be that private in a relationship. If you was a controlling boast paranoid nightmare, acusing him of this and that and hating any females that he's friends with, I'd say calm down. But this is a sudden change with him. You are suspicious. So look. Ive never in 8 years felt I need to look. But in my last relationship I did and I was right. He was messaging other women and it was inappropriate.

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 16/09/2020 16:09

Im just bookmarking for now

Appleofmyeye05 · 16/09/2020 23:00

Hope you’re okay op

Sounds odd but check his recently used emojis(if he uses them) see if there’s any affectionate ones that haven’t been sent to you

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 16/09/2020 23:04

@Appleofmyeye05

Hope you’re okay op

Sounds odd but check his recently used emojis(if he uses them) see if there’s any affectionate ones that haven’t been sent to you

This is a fantastic tip. Never heard this one before!
Lex345 · 17/09/2020 05:42

Hi OP, on facebook there is an option to download ALL of your info, and I mean ALL. Its will show profiles visited, messages-including deleted ones, pictures sent, even ads clicked on. Do you have his facebook password as you will need this. Also be aware that when you request the file, it is ready within around 5 mins and flags a notification in facebook. It will also email you to tell you the file is ready so make sure you delete the notification in FB and the email. Happy to talk you through how to do this if you need but very straightforward to do x

Lex345 · 17/09/2020 05:45

if you dont have his password but do have access to his emails and facebook for long enough, you could change the password to access this.

Msonamission · 17/09/2020 09:38

@Lex345

Hi OP, on facebook there is an option to download ALL of your info, and I mean ALL. Its will show profiles visited, messages-including deleted ones, pictures sent, even ads clicked on. Do you have his facebook password as you will need this. Also be aware that when you request the file, it is ready within around 5 mins and flags a notification in facebook. It will also email you to tell you the file is ready so make sure you delete the notification in FB and the email. Happy to talk you through how to do this if you need but very straightforward to do x
That's fantastic advice @Lex345. However, from what I understand, this option will not include the secret messages as they are not stored on the server. This is why the secret conversation route is by far the most effective method of communication for all cheating arseholes.