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Original poster

Husband suddenly weird with phone

178 replies

clockflower · 07/08/2020 14:07

Does anyone have any advice? Since lockdown started, my husband has been edgy with his iphone. He mostly leaves it turned off in the morning bfore work. It's quite often on mute. He says it keeps going to mute by itself?!
I haven't checked his messages as I feel like that would be invading his privacy, but I'm afraid to say that I checked his messenger settings on our shared ipad and he has secret conversations activated. I never use facebook messenger.
He must also have turned off notifications because when I whatsapped him recently he never got it and it was only when I asked him about it that he opened WhatsApp and read it?!
He just seems suddenly different with his phone! What would you do? I don't feel like I can ask him really as there's nothing concrete to say.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 10:45

The excitement of affairs lies in the secrecy. Affair partners find it scintillating, rather than stressy.

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 10:45

Does he have any friends who might be worried about FB security and insist on only having encrypted conversations?

Alfiemoon1 · 08/08/2020 10:48

Sounds dodgy to me sorry op. He may well be deleting text or WhatsApp messages and probably has it set so notifications don’t pop up. The messenger secret conversation is a red flag as it has to be activated

TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 10:49

WhatsApp is encrypted. So that's a bit of a reach, ravenmum

Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:49

It's possible if one of his mates is having an affair? It's unlikely men message each other about that sort of stuff though?

Can't think of any business reasons for secrecy.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/08/2020 10:51

I have a family friend who preferred married men, as she didn't have all the boring stuff of domesticity and they had no claims on her. They had exciting opportunistic sex and they went on dates when he was "working late" or "working away" or whatever. She lived exactly as she wanted and never settled down with any of them. She's now living happily alone in her dotage.

I think she's probably unusual, but there are people this kind of thing suits.

And if your partner were having a long term thing with someone, then also being in a relationship would work perfectly.

Stressful maybe - exciting in the same measure, for some people.

Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:58

Christ, now i'm imagining all sorts. Including the risk to my sexual health Sad

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 10:58

I knew someone like that, category12, She liked the gifts, nights in hotels etc. 'Stolen' sex seemed much more exciting to her.

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 10:59

@TwentyViginti

WhatsApp is encrypted. So that's a bit of a reach, ravenmum
He's using FB messenger. The normal conversations are not end-to-end encrypted, the secret ones are.
Fizzysours · 08/08/2020 11:02

I am really sorry but he is secret messaging. He is up to no good. He is not talking to a mate about their affair, blokes are not talkers about such things. His mates might know, but they would not message each other about it. Sorry op but you need to have a think about who he works with....many many people have work place affairs with no need to chat in the evenings. Lockdown has forced him to start messaging someone secretively. The simplest answer is usually the right one, and unfortunately affairs are massively common in my social circle (aged 40-60). It's shit, but it's life :(

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 11:04

I know lots of people who refuse to use certain apps as they think they are not secure enough generally, not because they have anything specific to hide.

What would worry me here especially is this idea that his iphone is uting itself. It sounds like a totally bollocks excuse of the type my exh gave for why he hadn't answered my messages or answered his phone. I'd be researching into whether that can really happen and, if so, how to stop it happening. Then get him to fix his phone in front of your eyes.

Alfiemoon1 · 08/08/2020 11:09

When he’s on his phone have you asked him just out of conversation who he’s messaging or what game he’s playing etc if so how does he react ?

category12 · 08/08/2020 11:14

Yes, I sort of admire her on some levels, tbh, TwentyViginti. She is very uncompromising and people who predicted she would come a cropper and be miserable later in life were wrong. She always had a strong circle of friends and sort of became an auntie to the kids. Had a good career, has a nice home.

TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 11:15

Yes, I know he's using FB ravenmum but I don't see the need to use secret messaging on there when WA is encrypted. I don't use FB messenger, though. Don't bother with FB generally. I used it to look up potential dates when I did OLD.

Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 11:15

No Alfiemoon1, I've never asked him because whenever wer'e together and he answers his phone or texts it's usually quite obvious who it is. He'll mention who it is and why they're calling or messaging.
No, I really am beginning to think now that he's not as stupid as he looks! I just need to wait for him to slip up.

OP posts:
tankflybos · 08/08/2020 11:16

"Why would a woman settle for so long for having a man in his 'work' time only?
That means that she doesn't get to be with him during holidays, at Christmas, she can't go out with friends as a couple etc?!"

She doesn't go out with friends so that's not an issue, she's completely lacking in self worth and thinks he will eventually choose her if she sticks to his "rules".

He's a complete knob, he pays her for his daughter but often tells her to get a sitter when he's coming over now because then they can "spend quality time as a couple". Aka, he gets a shag.

tankflybos · 08/08/2020 11:18

"really am beginning to think now that he's not as stupid as he looks!"

He is stupid. He would've carried on as normal once he was furloughed rather than pretend his phone suddenly muted itself and start using secret conversation on messenger.

The problem is he's clearly very guarded. A lot of men get cocky with it but it sounds like he's used to keeping this very separate to his home life

category12 · 08/08/2020 11:18

She doesn't go out with friends so that's not an issue, she's completely lacking in self worth and thinks he will eventually choose her if she sticks to his "rules".
Yeah, that's what we tell ourselves, that mistresses are pitiful desperate wrecks. But it's quite possible being with a married bloke exactly suits her for her own reasons.

TomNook · 08/08/2020 11:18

Op. You sound incredibly naive.

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 11:19

@TwentyViginti

Yes, I know he's using FB ravenmum but I don't see the need to use secret messaging on there when WA is encrypted. I don't use FB messenger, though. Don't bother with FB generally. I used it to look up potential dates when I did OLD.
I also know people who refuse to use Whatsapp because of something to do with them allowing conspiracy theories to be spread. I have one mate who insists on only using a specific, and to me pretty random messenging system. FB messenger seems an unlikely candidate for that sort of thing, but I don't think I'd rule it out as a potential innocent explanation.
TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 11:21

@category12

Yes, I sort of admire her on some levels, tbh, TwentyViginti. She is very uncompromising and people who predicted she would come a cropper and be miserable later in life were wrong. She always had a strong circle of friends and sort of became an auntie to the kids. Had a good career, has a nice home.
I get the admiration, I felt that a bit too, although my own husband fucked off with his OW causing me so much trauma!

The one I knew said she'd never want her APs to leave their wives - she just wanted the 'nice' bits of the arrangement, without all the drama and commitment.

Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 11:21

@TomNook

Op. You sound incredibly naive.
I'm beginning to think that too, Tomnook!
OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 08/08/2020 11:31

My OH had a 2 year emotional affair. But that's another story.

Up until the moment I realised I had NO idea. It wasn't on my radar at all. Really No idea.

I simply saw a phone message that said "are you awake yet?".

And then a load of tiny things like phone on mute, not being available etc etc crashed into focus. And my senses were turned on. I think you must trust your senses. When I went to look there was stuff.

If I had said anything I would have been gaslighted, laughed at, side tracked. This also came later. Please don't say anything till you are happy or satisfied there is nothing to worry about.

It had been going on for a longish time and as I had no idea he was a bit casual. Receipts on the car floor. Coat pockets. Phone records. phone no's has he been calling. Face book searches ( there is a record) Looking where and how money has been spent, withdrawn. All things I had never taken the slightest bit of interest in or looked at. All texts and WA had been deleted on his phone.

I'm not tech savvy so there are other things I could have looked at that I didn't know about. I'm sure posters on here could tell you. Like location tracking etc that exists on phones. Google etc.

I found his Apple Id and linked his texts to our family I Pad and that's how I found out. I didn't even know this existed until the moment I did it. I watched their texts.

Don't say anything to your OH till you are happy. Hopefully you are wrong.

cheeseycharlie · 08/08/2020 11:47

OP you're not naive, no one expects this to happen. I'd just say @sunglassesonthetable has set it out perfectly and it's solid advice

Alfiemoon1 · 08/08/2020 12:01

Have you checked his mobile bill obviously won’t show WhatsApp or messenger but will show calls and texts

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