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Original poster

Husband suddenly weird with phone

178 replies

clockflower · 07/08/2020 14:07

Does anyone have any advice? Since lockdown started, my husband has been edgy with his iphone. He mostly leaves it turned off in the morning bfore work. It's quite often on mute. He says it keeps going to mute by itself?!
I haven't checked his messages as I feel like that would be invading his privacy, but I'm afraid to say that I checked his messenger settings on our shared ipad and he has secret conversations activated. I never use facebook messenger.
He must also have turned off notifications because when I whatsapped him recently he never got it and it was only when I asked him about it that he opened WhatsApp and read it?!
He just seems suddenly different with his phone! What would you do? I don't feel like I can ask him really as there's nothing concrete to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
clockflower · 07/08/2020 16:05

These are good questions @ravenmum.
Honestly, none of these. Well, only one new band that he started following on Instagram, but I think it was after a recommendation from a relative.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:05

Any changes or newcomers at work / his hobby that he mentioned before lockdown? Any other changes in his habits further in the past?

Lipz · 07/08/2020 16:06

It does sound a little strange. I remember many years ago a guy I was dating turned out to be shagging everything with a pulse, I found out while in a loo at a night club some women talking about the name he called them, it was the same pet name he used with me, probably used it on everyone so as not to mix names up.

Your dh may use these names for someone else and called you then by mistake.

Or it could be completely innocent

Original poster
clockflower · 07/08/2020 16:09

Many thanks for all the insights. I needed a fresh pair of eyes so to speak. I think I will just keep quiet for now and just keep alert.
Let's hope I am just a loon Smile

OP posts:
tankflybos · 07/08/2020 16:10

"Perhaps it's an emotional affair rather than a physical one?"

Nah, they're rare....funnily enough they're very common according to the cheat who has just been caught. Along with "nothing happened", "she turned my head", "I didn't know what to do", "I felt we were drifting apart, you had no time for me", "I panicked" Hmm

OP this started in March you say? I'm assuming he was furloughed. This could easily be a long term work affair that was stopped in its tracks with lockdown. I wouldn't let him know at all, suspect there will be plenty to find.

His phone isn't muting itself.

newmumma43 · 07/08/2020 16:12

I don't see the harm in saying everything you've said here to him? Just ask him and tell him how you came to the conclusion.

tankflybos · 07/08/2020 16:13

I say long term because you haven't noticed recent changes other than the phone behaviour.

When an affair starts there are always changes but if this isn't new then his only change is the phone.

Someone I know has been having an affair with a married man for around 5 years and has a child with him and him being furloughed put a spanner in the works because prior to that they communicated in his "work" time only.

Original poster
clockflower · 07/08/2020 16:14

@ravenmum

Any changes or newcomers at work / his hobby that he mentioned before lockdown? Any other changes in his habits further in the past?
Only change I can think of is that he had erectile dysfunction for a shortish while about 7 years ago. He told me he talked to the GP about it and it was put down to stress and he had some medication but I can't remember what. So our sex life tailed off a bit, then slowly returned to normal. He definitely wasn't acting weird with his phone then! I don't know if that's relevant but that is the only change in habits I can think of!
OP posts:
tankflybos · 07/08/2020 16:16

"I don't see the harm in saying everything you've said here to him?"

The harm is usually about 3 years of absolute hell for the OP while they are lied to repeatedly and discover new lies and with it new heartbreak.

So much easier to get the true facts when there isn't a cheating liar distorting them on purpose

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:17

He could easily just deny all of it or act as if OP is bonkers, then quickly message OW that they'll have to hide things better as OP is suspicious. Unless he is likely to immediately break down and admit it all, confronting him could just make it harder to spot anything.

Devlesko · 07/08/2020 16:20

"Hey dh who have you been with to call me (whatever pet name he did), did you get us confused.
The look on his face and his response will tell you all you need to know.
Sorry OP, it's pretty much crystal clear, perhaps someone from work?

popcornlover · 07/08/2020 16:22

Could be a nice surprise for you that he’s organizing? More likely to be that, if, as you point out, you’re best friends and very much in love. Is your birthday coming up?

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/08/2020 16:24

Youre never going to get anywhere asking him anything, the only way to get the truth is to look.

What matters to you more 'invading someone's privacy' or being mugged off for the rest of your life?

Keep your mouth firmly closed and snoop. If you say anything now you have zero chance of finding out the truth - (Unless living in premeditated denial is your thing).

LoganberryOakley2 · 07/08/2020 16:25

Hello OP,. Hope these turn out to be needless worries, with the "darlin" and new words he's using.... years ago I worked with a lovely woman who called everyone, absolutely everyone, "honeybun" . And within a short period of time I was calling my son's by "honeybun" as well, (which I quickly halted because I don't really like the word that much! )

It doesn't necessarily mean anything romantic, but he has picked it up from somewhere. But it could be a movie or anything really. I sometimes hear terms of endearment and test them out on my husband but I usually laugh to indicate I know it's unusual. I hope you're doing okay.

tankflybos · 07/08/2020 16:26

"He told me he talked to the GP about it and it was put down to stress"

And do you believe that? Is he a regular at the GP because it's rare that as soon as it starts to happen men go skipping off merrily to the doctor

Devlesko · 07/08/2020 16:28

I've just seen the bit where he said he consulted you about buying something for the house.
I'm sorry but this reads more as double life OP, could be as long as you've been together. I've seen this before, it isn't uncommon.
They usually have a full family with kids too.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:30

As long as you're getting on fine and it is really just a guess (and he might "just" have a lovely new gambling habit or some other dodgy thing that does not involve you catching anything), I'd start out with just innocently looking at any messages which pop up visibly while the phone is close by, noting any new behavior and comings and goings, and keeping an eye out for the old-fashioned stuff like receipts, long blond hairs, earring backs and whatnot. He could just be up to something relatively unimportant.

Original poster
clockflower · 07/08/2020 16:30

@tankflybos

I say long term because you haven't noticed recent changes other than the phone behaviour.

When an affair starts there are always changes but if this isn't new then his only change is the phone.

Someone I know has been having an affair with a married man for around 5 years and has a child with him and him being furloughed put a spanner in the works because prior to that they communicated in his "work" time only.

You see, another point I hadn't thought of! Yes we were furloughed and together 100% of the time. So could it actually be a really longterm thing which had to be adapted to cope with lockdown? So, the changes I noticed about his behaviour with his phone would make sense then, if that is how he is now communicating with her, when before they would have been communicating in real life? I can't tell you how grateful I am, guys
OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 07/08/2020 16:32

Wow @Devlesko that's quite a leap! I hope not OP!

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:33

Also look into anything you have from 7 years ago - phone bills still back then? Again, receipts.
In the end I snooped properly on my exh - he had left his email password in a drawer for 15 years without changing it! - and realised he'd also been flirting (at least) with other women for quite a while. Behaviour going back about 5 years was explained.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:34

So could it actually be a really longterm thing which had to be adapted to cope with lockdown?
That would be my theory too.

Original poster
clockflower · 07/08/2020 16:34

@Devlesko

I've just seen the bit where he said he consulted you about buying something for the house. I'm sorry but this reads more as double life OP, could be as long as you've been together. I've seen this before, it isn't uncommon. They usually have a full family with kids too.
Do you really think so Devlesko? How is that possible when he is with me every morning and virtually every evening/night? In between, he's at work. He goes out without me maybe 6 times a year max?!
OP posts:
Tempusfudgeit · 07/08/2020 16:35

clockflower You seem very flat, submissive and resigned to all this. Are you dependent on him for money? It seems as if you wouldn't/couldn't leave even if you did find out he was having an affair.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:36

Oh, and look in the back of drawers, the shed, back of garage etc for secret stashes. Mine had been given gifts for Christmas - I found them in the shed after he moved out.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 16:37

I don't get where the secret other family comes from. More likely he's just mentioned this purchase to someone else.