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Original poster

Husband suddenly weird with phone

178 replies

clockflower · 07/08/2020 14:07

Does anyone have any advice? Since lockdown started, my husband has been edgy with his iphone. He mostly leaves it turned off in the morning bfore work. It's quite often on mute. He says it keeps going to mute by itself?!
I haven't checked his messages as I feel like that would be invading his privacy, but I'm afraid to say that I checked his messenger settings on our shared ipad and he has secret conversations activated. I never use facebook messenger.
He must also have turned off notifications because when I whatsapped him recently he never got it and it was only when I asked him about it that he opened WhatsApp and read it?!
He just seems suddenly different with his phone! What would you do? I don't feel like I can ask him really as there's nothing concrete to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
clockflower · 07/08/2020 16:41

@Tempusfudgeit

clockflower You seem very flat, submissive and resigned to all this. Are you dependent on him for money? It seems as if you wouldn't/couldn't leave even if you did find out he was having an affair.
I would divorce him.
OP posts:
Buggedandconfused · 07/08/2020 16:48

I’d have to look at phone, computer, iPad, the lot. The muted phone is a dead giveaway. Your instincts are powerful, don’t ignore them.

PixelatedLunchbox · 07/08/2020 17:09

I don't see why he would have an affair because there isn't anything wrong between us?

There doesn't need to be anything wrong. Men are basically rutting pigs. Sorry. All I can say is keep your powder dry, get his phone when he is either SOUND asleep or in the shower. Have your own phone with you so you can quickly take pictures of what's on his screen, rather than having to read through it at the time.

Also, if you find something and then confront him he'll "gaslight" - delete everything and tell you you didn't see what you saw. Screenshots on your own phone will save your sanity.

Sorry for you OP. It doesn't sound good.

Crankley · 07/08/2020 17:10

It sounds dodgy to me. Please do not confront him unless you have absolute proof or he will lie and remove all evidence.

You need to somehow get hold of his phone.

dottiedodah · 07/08/2020 17:18

I am sorry to say this sounds very dodgy to me! Hiding his phone and a new pet name out of nowhere seems very suspicious TBH. Hoping Im wrong of course .So many men seem to be capable of having an affair whether they are happy or not! Just looking for a bit on the side usually!

LaurieFairyCake · 07/08/2020 17:25

He will have all notifications turned off on his phone so NOTHING pops up unless he's directly in the app

I have no notifications on my phone as I find them annoying

This is why you can happily FaceTime your daughter together

Devlesko · 07/08/2020 17:38

Apologies OP, I read the post wrong about the discussion, missed the bit about it being something for your house. I am sorry Thanks
No wonder a pp thought it a huge leap.

tankflybos · 07/08/2020 19:56

I don't think it's necessarily a "huge leap". I'm waiting for the day the wife of the pair having an affair finds out.

He's got kids the same age with both his wife and the woman I know and until March she knew only ever to contact him during work hours. They've been meeting during his "walks" but only literally once or twice she says. It happens.

tarasmalatarocks · 07/08/2020 23:31

Closetbeanmuncher- I couldn’t agree more— snoop or mugged off for years- I’m afraid age and experience has taught me that snooping is far better and if there’s nothing to see— well that’s great!!

SoulofanAggron · 08/08/2020 01:29

you will at least be able to tell he’s lying

@MrsGrindah I don't think you can 100% tell when someone's lying. Otherwise, no-one would ever get away with anything.

peachyblossom · 08/08/2020 03:20

Womens intuition is ALWAYS RIGHT. If you feel in your gut he is being dodgy then he almost certainly is. Men can be so bloody sneaky & he sounds like he is being the ultimate sneak. If he's hiding his phone he is hiding if for a reason & im guessing the reason you don't wanna look is because you know you're gonna find something you don't wanna see (which is totally understandable because it's TERRIFYING. If it was me I would just have to look as it would drive me crazy. I have done it in the past & found awful awful sexting & my ex turned it around on me and made me feel like shit for going through his phone & not respecting privacy, so be prepared for that if you do it! Wishing you look whatever you decide to do & I really hope he's not cheating. X

MrsGrindah · 08/08/2020 08:01

@SoulofanAggron Yes , but I think you have a bloody good chance with someone you have been with for a long time

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 08/08/2020 08:56

“Do you really think so Devlesko? How is that possible when he is with me every morning and virtually every evening/night? In between, he's at work. He goes out without me maybe 6 times a year max?!”

So actually if he doesn’t ever really go out without you then how would it be possible for him to be having an affair? Unless I’ve missed something?

Needhelp101 · 08/08/2020 09:09

@thebeachismyhappyplace2

“Do you really think so Devlesko? How is that possible when he is with me every morning and virtually every evening/night? In between, he's at work. He goes out without me maybe 6 times a year max?!”

So actually if he doesn’t ever really go out without you then how would it be possible for him to be having an affair? Unless I’ve missed something?

Trust me, they always find the time.

My ex used to kiss me and the children goodbye, cycle off to work and shag her on the way.

category12 · 08/08/2020 09:18

Yes , but I think you have a bloody good chance with someone you have been with for a long time

I don't think so. I was with my ex for 15 years give or take, and I couldn't tell if he was lying. Partly because I wanted to believe him and partly because he gaslit me to fuck for years, so it was really difficult to know if my doubts were real or if I was just a mad, jealous harridan.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 08/08/2020 09:37

Needhelp101 - that’s crazy isn’t it as you would never suspect somebody would be up to no good on their way to work. No wonder the buggers get away with it for so long!

Also another thing I have noticed in people that go onto have affairs is they often change their appearance - a guy I know who is married to one of of the mums from school has all of a sudden become absolutely obsessed with his weight and his his hair, as well as has telling his partner he no longer wants to socialise with her (because apparently she drinks too much when out and embarrass’s him) and before lockdown he was quite often having a work do on a Friday or Saturday evening that required him to stay overnight even though London is only 30 mins away on the train

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 10:08

@category12

Yes , but I think you have a bloody good chance with someone you have been with for a long time

I don't think so. I was with my ex for 15 years give or take, and I couldn't tell if he was lying. Partly because I wanted to believe him and partly because he gaslit me to fuck for years, so it was really difficult to know if my doubts were real or if I was just a mad, jealous harridan.

ditto
Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:21

I had literally 30 seconds to check his iphone this morning and there's no texts or WhatsApps from anyone except people I know.
I checked the timestamp on the secret conversations on facebook messenger and it had today's date, but I don't know if that means he used it today or not. This is the one which worries me because secret conversations is off by default and you have to turn it on if you want to activate it.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/08/2020 10:26

Well, what possible reason would he have for using 'secret conversations' anyway?

Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:36

@tankflybos

I say long term because you haven't noticed recent changes other than the phone behaviour.

When an affair starts there are always changes but if this isn't new then his only change is the phone.

Someone I know has been having an affair with a married man for around 5 years and has a child with him and him being furloughed put a spanner in the works because prior to that they communicated in his "work" time only.

Why would a woman settle for so long for having a man in his 'work' time only? Confused That means that she doesn't get to be with him during holidays, at Christmas, she can't go out with friends as a couple etc?!
OP posts:
Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:38

@category12

Well, what possible reason would he have for using 'secret conversations' anyway?
The only reason I can think of is that he doesn't want me to be able to read the conversation?!
OP posts:
category12 · 08/08/2020 10:39

Not everybody wants that.

Also, she might be in a relationship herself.

Veiaola · 08/08/2020 10:41

Don't think about confronting him untill you have proof as he will just cover his tracks better.

Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:41

@category12

Not everybody wants that.

Also, she might be in a relationship herself.

That sounds barking to me!

The stress levels must be through the roof.

OP posts:
Original poster
clockflower · 08/08/2020 10:42

@Veiaola

Don't think about confronting him untill you have proof as he will just cover his tracks better.
Thanks Veiaola!
OP posts: