Husband suddenly weird with phone

[clockflower]

Does anyone have any advice? Since lockdown started, my husband has been edgy with his iphone. He mostly leaves it turned off in the morning bfore work. It's quite often on mute. He says it keeps going to mute by itself?!
I haven't checked his messages as I feel like that would be invading his privacy, but I'm afraid to say that I checked his messenger settings on our shared ipad and he has secret conversations activated. I never use facebook messenger.
He must also have turned off notifications because when I whatsapped him recently he never got it and it was only when I asked him about it that he opened WhatsApp and read it?!
He just seems suddenly different with his phone! What would you do? I don't feel like I can ask him really as there's nothing concrete to say.

There are two reasons people start hiding their phones, illegal activity or affairs.

Or, in my case, to hide the fact I was secretly planning to leave an abuser. I didn't want him seeing anything that would have made him suspicious, and therefore possibly more dangerous.

Trust your instincts. I did and when I saw the message on his home screen from 'John' saying I'm just about to get a bath too I'd caught him out. Unfortunately I made the mistake of calling him out about it - meaning I was gaslighted for weeks before he admitted it. But I still watched him like a hawk and he spent a lot of time going in the garage. When I checked online he was on messenger so I kept going and sitting in the garage to make his chats awkward. He was getting later and later from work. Again when I looked online he was active on messenger Turns out he was stopping at the top of the street to message before he got home 😂. BTW his OW lived 300 miles away and he wasn't spending time having an actual affair because he couldn't logistically.

Any updates?

No updates @Rainydayss
I haven't been able to look at his phone.
Been trying to think rationally rather than overthink it. Nothing springs to mind, other than I'm noticing that he does check his phone more regularly than I would have thought. I could be being hyper sensitive to this though.
If anything comes up I'll post it here as you guys have wised me up to a few things!

I think it's right to be cautious but some of these posts are very dramatic. If you have the classic little side button on phones it is very easy to mute it. Also, i just looked up secret messages on fb and it seems everyone can? I don't think you have to register? So I am not sure how you know he is using that?

I guess it comes down to what is a change in behaviour. My DP and I both always have our phones on silent as we hate notification noises - and we both always take them to the loo/shower as we listen to music etc! But if he has never done these things before, then I agree I would be suspicious. Especially about actually turning notifications OFF on WhatsApp - not just muting sounds.

Not sure if it's been suggested but as you checked his phone and didn't find anything, I would look at his battery usage - he may be using an app you wouldn't think to check.

Hope things are ok op

So for anyone who followed my thread and helped me, an update. Husband appears to have two phones. They're the same model i-phone, but two different colours. I managed to find this out from his photo stream.

This would explain why I noticed some odd behaviour during the time he was furloughed because he presumably couldn't risk bringing home his 'work' phone so he had to do whatever he normally does on his 'work' phone on his 'home' phone instead.

Now he's back at work.

Noticed this morning that text messages which come through are now pinging again.

I haven't yet worked out what he's doing or how he's doing it but I would guess the 'work' phone has a different number. I don't know how he's managing his apple ids, but I know that he has two different ids.

I'd be grateful for any technical information as I'm not that savvy.

For those of you who worry that I'm not going crazy at him, I feel that I need to keep my cool otherwise I'll never find out what has been going on.

Hm, you might be able to see how many Iphones are nearby by scanning for Bluetooth devices or strong wifi signals and seeing if there is anything that you can't identify. I presume it was definitely not the same phone shot with different colour filters?

My friend was caught in her cheating when her husband put a key logger app on their PC; she used it to write an email, and he was sent notice of what she'd written. I don't know if those are legal, though.

Hmmm. Not sure there is much you can do unless you can figure out the apple id of the work phone? Have you checked his emails?

This reminds me of @RoxanneMonke's thread. She handled it like such a queen, from suspicion, to confrontation to separation. She gathered her evidence and went through the entire process with dignity.

I know both apple id's, but I don't know the password for his non-home one.

Someone on this thread said something about him being careful about keeping things separate. I think that has been happening. For quite a while, too. Lots of things are now seeming to fit into place. Like the time I offered to help him out at work once when he was in a state with some computerised stuff, but he frowned at me and reacted really badly by basically snapping and telling me that I wouldn't know what to do. Left me feeling quite shit that did.

@ravenmum

Hm, you might be able to see how many Iphones are nearby by scanning for Bluetooth devices or strong wifi signals and seeing if there is anything that you can't identify. I presume it was definitely not the same phone shot with different colour filters?

My friend was caught in her cheating when her husband put a key logger app on their PC; she used it to write an email, and he was sent notice of what she'd written. I don't know if those are legal, though.

Thanks ravenmum.

Not the same phone shot with different filters. There are actually two different photos which show me that he's using a phone at work different to his 'home' phone. One photo was taken back in March, so the 'evidence' was sitting there all this time really.

@Anordinarymum

If he is still making love to you and cuddling surely that is a sign he still loves you ?

My exh was still 'making love' to me and telling me he loved me. In fact, the sex got more passionate when he was having his affair.

He was my best friend too and there was nothing wrong with our marriage that warranted an affair. We were the couple that had been together the longest, had the relationship and family friends admired, etc.

I imagine he told other people all sorts after it came out but truth is, he turned 40, had a wife of 13 years and two kids, panicked and a woman at work 13 years our junior flattered his ego so he went with it.

I found out one day when he was at work by looking at his ipad. He had foolishly linked his work emails to his personal ones and I found conversations between them.

His bag was packed when he got home.

But also, being very attached to his phone at all times, speaking to a colleague I had never heard of about that colleague's relationship problems but always wandering off when he did.

He stayed up later than me (not that unusual but got more frequent) and often had to stay at work a bit later. Found out they were meeting in lay by's close to work (classy).

Lots of things are now seeming to fit into place. Like the time I offered to help him out at work once when he was in a state with some computerised stuff, but he frowned at me and reacted really badly by basically snapping and telling me that I wouldn't know what to do. Left me feeling quite shit that did.

Funny you should say that. Once I had found out about my OH I remembered that a few weeks previously we had been watching one of our DC at a sports event together. My phone was out of charge and at an important moment in the competition I had had grabbed for his phone to take a picture. He had jumped out of his skin, practically snarled at me and grabbed the phone back. ( We missed the photo op🙄) So odd at the time. Suddenly it made sense why.

It's things like that that begin to make sense.

Sorry OP.

Questionable ethics (for some!) but I know someone who got a spare phone and hid it under a seat in DH car. They then used "find friends" or whatever it is to track that spare phone and see if/where they went that wasn't work.

If he's clever then technology wise you might never be able to get enough evidence from comms etc but if he's going places and not telling you about it then you could confront him with what you have so far and in theory his reaction will be clear (even if no admission) x

I would also try and track him. Hide (very well) in his car, a fully charged phone that you can track using find my iPhone. But if he's got two phones and you weren't aware of that then I can't think of any explanation other than an affair.

As for confronting him with places he's been, hell just say he forgot it thought he'd told you.

Or, oh yeah, was doing a favour for Steve.

I'd go to wherever he was and catch him bang at it

What’s connected on his car’s Bluetooth? Tried last numbers dialled my car saves them.

At first I was like ‘my phone mutes all the time’ then I read the rest. You are right to be suspicious.

Well I would give no fucks about questionable ethics if it was me so I would be starting small - get the phone and see who the recent and most often called numbers are. Take a note of them and call them yourself. Check the search history on his computer/iPad and look in the trash folders (loads of people delete and get complacent and forget to empty them). Look at the photo directory on the phone and see all the images in there. (Even something innocuous might hold clues or it might just be a change in pic taking habits)

Drop by his work unannounced and see how they react. You will know if they are unhappy or angry with you. If he walks out the house after an argument or for any reason where there is no reason - follow him. Put a long recording tape recording device under the seat of his car or even better fit a gps tracker onto it.

The key logger suggestion from another poster is great. That will give you everything.

My exH had two phones and I was supposed to be too dim to notice. Except one was black and one was blue so it was pretty obvious. It was quite fun approaching him quietly, cos he’d jump and try to stuff phone in pocket really quickly without me seeing

Someone down thread mentioned RoxanneMonke - that lady played an ace hand. If you really want to know things, you need to start getting tactical. Play the long game. (I don't mean this is a game btw!). Be ready for what you might uncover though but I think you need to know and get ahead of him.

I am the same hubby had affairs so I just catty on and play him at is own game and love it

I think you can put 2 sims in one phone so maybe he did that while he was home op? Hence the photos & silent phone.

You can check your router to see what devices are using/have used WiFi by logging in to Admin - details usually on back of router.

There are also programs which log every website accessed via the router - like a parental control thing but you don't block anything - I think it's something like OneDS...

I admire your calmness op, I don't think I'd be able to have the control you have and need in this situation