Hi, I really need to offload and would appreciate some advice 😏. I've been with my husband for 15 years (married for 13), we have 3 wonderful kids aged 13, 11 and 10.
All in all, we've had a generally happy marriage and family life, as a couple we get on really well (on the surface), and I believe this has rubbed off on the children as they are all kind, respectful and polite young people, to which we are really proud of.
Underneath our happy demeanour I feel that there are lots of problems (in my opinion anyway), I feel that I am growing further and further apart from him, I am not the same person that I was when I met him at 21, I am growing and evolving as a person, and I honestly feel so trapped. He is a whole decade older than me, and I really feel like it's starting to show now.
He is not a bad person, he works hard, is motivated and is a brilliant father but I just don't think he "gets" who I am anymore.
I struggle with my mental health quite badly, and to put it bluntly, he is completely useless about it all. I try opening up to him and try to be as transparent as I can, I often struggle with suicidal thoughts, and although it's really hard for me to be open about it (for feeling ashamed) I do try and tell him, but it's always met by silence, a shrug of the shoulders or a quick hug and him telling me not to be "so silly". I get that not everyone knows what to do in these circumstances or what to say, but considering he is a healthcare professional by trade, it always baffles me why he just doesn't seem to care. Last week, I had it out with him and asked him why my mental health doesn't seem to worry/bother him to which he replied that he simply lacks empathy and doesn't know how to react.
He's also very controlling about certain things, especially finances, and every decision regarding our family life is made by him, my ideas or opinions are completely irrelevant. I go to work and I pay my way, but still we are not equal in our financial decision-making. We're still renting after 15 years and I would love to buy a house, but he says no, and that's final!.
The biggest issue in our marriage (sorry it's TMI) is to do with our sex life, he is completely obsessed with anal sex even though I hate it, he expects it to happen every time that we have sex, sex can never just be "normal" it always has to be about getting anal at the end of it. I've told him a million times that I hate it and that it hurts, but he doesn't care, and even when I allow him to do it and I'm crying in pain, he doesn't see that it's a problem. This has been going on for years now but it's getting worse, he tries to use bribery in order to "get it" , especially financial bribery, and he will call me selfish for not agreeing to it. It's starting to really affect me mentally now, and I feel like a part of me dies each time I allow him to do "it", I feel degraded, abused even. I can't remember the last time that I had sex sober, and now it's got to the point where I absolutely have NO sex drive, the last few times we've had sex (normal sex) I feel NOTHING, it just makes me cringe and feel disgusted. I think his behaviour and attitude to sex has just destroyed what ever intimacy we had left. I have found myself fantasising about meeting other men and having sex, just so I can feel like a normal woman again, I'm still horny but not for my husband anymore.
I really can't see things getting any better, it's getting harder and harder to envisage a long-term future with him. I've reached a point where I see that so many things are wrong, I feel restricted, suffocated and repressed and I long for a freedom where I can get to know myself properly again.
It's so hard because like I said, he's not a bad person and I HATE the thought of our children having to endure a family breakup, as bad as I feel things are, I feel it's just NOT enough to put them through that. In my head I've told myself that I won't do anything until my youngest is at least 16 (that's 6 years away), and maybe, just maybe things may have improved by then 🤷🏼♀️.
I still care about him as a person (and love him as the father of my kids), even up until a few years ago I still got butterflies when I saw him and still felt so in love with him, but sadly that's all gone... I don't want to hurt him, unlike me, he hasn't got close friends or a family close by and it genuinely hurts me to think of him potentially alone, I wish I could just get a little tougher.
I'm thinking of his feelings and the children's before mine, and it's me that deep-down is suffering and feeling so incredibly isolated. It's hard to open up to people because on the surface we look like this happy couple who are the best of friends.
Please, some words of advice or just your thoughts would be really welcomed. I just need to know that I'm not going mad 😢.