I feel sad. Just cancelled holiday booked for next week.

[thorliscious]

We booked our first ever family holiday last month. Just a holiday park for a week. Due to go on Monday.

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together. He basically becomes very anxious and stressed to the point he can barely function or think straight.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

We didn't tell our dc ( 2 sets of twins 4 &7 ) as I knew it would only end in disappointment. I planned on surprising them on the morning.

Anyway it's cancelled now and I feel sad. Dp feels rubbish about it too but it really wouldn't have been much fun if he was so anxious/ stressed.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and found a solution?

That does sound very sad. Is your partner getting help for his anxiety? If it's affecting his life to this extent it's definitely something to talk to his GP about.

He needs help. You can’t continue to live in this life limiting way, it will affect your children ultimately. It sounds like he realises this, please encourage him to seek, and utilise, help.
In the meantime you can certainly have fun and I guess just don’t dwell on what could have been. It is true that holidays away can be stressful to the best of us!

So sorry you've had to cancel. I feel your pain, our DD gets so anxious at just the mention of going away it is hell, so we aren't bothering.

On a positive note, a friend who suffers terribly with anxiety had a phone appointment with the doc and told him how bad it was, was prescribed tablets to help. She is currently lay on a beach somewhere - first holiday in 25 years! Even missed her honeymoon. There is help!

He blames the gp for causing his problems in the first place and says they cannot help him. He takes regular medication which I personally think makes him more anxious.

He has tried hard the past couple of weeks to get himself ' ready ' but he just can't do it.

I don't blame him as I get anxious about things too so I know what it's like.

He needs to get help for his anxiety if it is limiting his life (and by extension you and your children’s lives) to that extent.

It’s not going away on its own, so what does he plan to do to get help? And do t be fobbed off with “therapy doesn’t work / isn’t for me / I don’t need help” because he does. Don’t go in all guns blazing as he probably feels terrible, but you can be kind but firm in your insistence that he gets help.

Also, a week might be a bit much to start with. Can you do overnight locally so he knows logically he can get home easily if he needs to. (If his anxiety is around being trapped, knowing you can easily go home makes it easy to relax and stay).

Why do you have to do something with the kids on your own, surely he's still around, as he was planning to be on holiday? Can't you do some fun holiday activities together just staying local?

Have a look at Anxiety UK website. They can provide cheap therapy based on household income. This is fixable but he needs to be proactive if he wants things to change. Good luck!

Our posts crossed. Then he needs to find another route to get help. Read some books, research and try a different type of therapy. Try mindfulness techniques. Try starting really small with one night away very close to home etc.

What specifically is he anxious about. Is it being unable to get home, things going wrong, or just general free floating worries?

@TriciaMcMillan

He will need a while just to rest after this as he's got himself so worked up about it all. From experience he will not want to do activities for a good week or 2. It's that bad.

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

He worries about dangerous things that could happen and being far from his home necessities. He can't bear disrupting his routine.

The place we booked was the closest holiday park to us, literally 30 minute drive away.

Fuck that I couldn't live like that for a minute.

He needs to take responsibility for this and see a therapist asap. It's not fair to allow his untreated issues to affect his family like this.

My DH is similar to this (or was). He would do things I planned, but would get worked up in the days before and would be unbearably anxious the morning of... then would be fine when we got there.

He's now on a low dose of sertraline and it has been game changing. He's gone from stressing at the airport to literally coasting through without a worry.

I would suggest he goes back to his GP for more support.

He needs help. I understand anxiety but when it impacts you and the children so significantly then shrugging and saying the doctor can’t help is unfair.

Couldn't you and the kids go without him?

Agree, this cannot go on, this is life limiting not just for him, but for you and the kids. How much of the load are you having to bear due to his anxiety and its repercussions?

Perhaps this can be the catalyst for change, if not for him, for you? I could not live like this, especially if I couldn't confidently say my partner was doing everything he could to seek help and work towards recovery.

Or what @Abbie said.

That's sounds really difficult for you both. I have a somewhat similar situation as my husband also hates holidays and gets very stressed. I've just began to take the kids on my own, and then he meets us there the next day, avoiding the journey, check in, packing, settling in etc. Is there any possibility you could do something like this? It does mean I shoulder more of the work, including all the planning, so you might not want to do this. I don't mind if it means we are able to get away for a break. I only have two kids though so I appreciate it would be harder for you with four.

It seems a bit .. convenient that now he is so stressed he can't even go on family days out with you, leaving you with four kids under 8 to manage on your own if the dc are to have any fun days out during the holidays?

As it was so close, couldn't you have gone and he could come over for the day?

Does he get this anxious about any time away from the house, e.g. trips away on business or by himself?

Ultimately he has to manage this problem, and work out how to minimise the impact on his children. What does he suggest?

What would he do if you weren’t there to allow him to rest?
There’s been times Ive been hyperventilating at the thought of going out but forced myself to push through and get on with things.
There’s a point where if you have anxiety you just have to learn to feel it and do things anyway.

To be honest Id be tempted to go away for a couple of days and leave him to cope with the kids. You need a break too. If you weren’t there he’d have to find a way to manage.

Did you cancel or was it cancelled by company?

Presuming former. In which case, why don’t you take alone?

Four children will be a handful but at those ages (and with what sounds like a fragile partner) I suspect you’re used to having them alone a lot?

Is there a reason you couldn't have gone without him? (Yes, I see you have two sets of twins 😂)

He could have taken you, left you there and then joined you later with a view to working up to staying - without the anxiety of if being a whole holiday.

Ultimately he needs to seek help for the anxiety though.

He’s being very unfair. If his anxiety is so crippling he needs to either find a way to manage it with therapy/medication etc or find a way to work around it with you. I’d suggest keeping the booking for your holiday park and then taking the two 4 year olds for a couple of days, then the older two for a couple of days, while he looks after the others at home. then sneak in a couple of days on your own at the end while he has them all it’s not fair on you or the DCs to miss out on all the fun because he’s got himself worked up.

My XH used to hate holidays - in fact it was one of the main reasons we divorced as we’d just been on a camping trip where he got so wound up about the weather he left me to take the 3 DCs swimming on my own while he went to get WiFi in reception so he could check the weather. When we got home and went for counselling he told the counsellor that he hated holidays and she said “but your wife and DCs enjoy it, what about them” and his blank look and reply of “but what’s in it for me?” led her to tell him she couldn’t counsel us, as counselling relies on empathy and he didn’t appear to have any!

Life is too short to spend it with someone who sucks the joy out of it and doesn’t want to get any help with that. I appreciate anxiety is hard - I suffer with it too, as do 2 of my DCs, but we don’t let it stop us, we just take steps to deal with it (and DS has been on ADs for his).

Is he autistic op? The anxiety about his routine being disrupted made me wonder. My 12 year old has ASD and finds holidays difficult. There are ways and methods to make it easier for her to cope with though.

What made you book it ?
It sounds like you expected not to go, hence why you didn't tell the DCs and it seems strange to spend money on something you think isn't going to happen.

Since it is only 30 minutes away could you go with the older children and leave him with the younger two?

You then get to share some quality holiday time with the older children.

He is being selfish if he won't see his GP and get proper help. He seems quite happy to ruin your and children's holiday and yet say he thinks the GP caused his problems. Imagine the impact this time of behaviour will have on your children growing up.

Does he work?

Is he on the autistic spectrum?

He needs to face up to his problems and seek proper help - it's controlling you and also your children now.