I feel sad. Just cancelled holiday booked for next week.

[thorliscious]

We booked our first ever family holiday last month. Just a holiday park for a week. Due to go on Monday.

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together. He basically becomes very anxious and stressed to the point he can barely function or think straight.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

We didn't tell our dc ( 2 sets of twins 4 &7 ) as I knew it would only end in disappointment. I planned on surprising them on the morning.

Anyway it's cancelled now and I feel sad. Dp feels rubbish about it too but it really wouldn't have been much fun if he was so anxious/ stressed.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and found a solution?

Op, in future go on the holidays. Go on the day trips. Carry on regardless.

This is really, really not OK. Your poor children. He needs to get help & no excuses.

You can’t let your whole family life be dictated by this. It’s really sad.

Wtf. You can't live like that.

@tenlittlecygnets @ivfdreaming he doesn't sound selfish, he sounds autistic, and if he's not autistic, then he has crippling anxiety or possibly agoraphobia. Nobody would want to feel like that, nor would they want to let someone down. It's very frustrating when you can't do normal things nor enjoy life with freedom. I bet he kicks himself for not being able to go.

He absolutely is selfish.

Not because he is unwell but because he refuses to seek help.

I think the posters who are saying my dp is selfish are wrong. I have anxiety too so I know very well how hard it is to live with. He also has other MH problems some quite severe but I'm not going to talk about them on here.

He is really gutted and I wish I had pushed him to go.

For the poster asking why we had 4 children, I don't really have to explain to you but I will.
Dc 1 was instantly dc 1 & 2. Dp was yet to be diagnosed with any MH problems and with twins we only had small days out anyway which we all coped well with. Neither of us thought a holiday with baby twins sounded like much fun so we didn't bother. We then decided to try for dc 3 who again became dc 3 &4. We never planned on having twins obviously and as they didn't ' run ' on either side of the family we definitely didn't expect two sets!

Sorry OP, you are both selfish. You are enabling each other.

You are allowing your anxiety to rule your DC’s life. They only get one shot at childhood.

There is a lot of online help for anxiety. What you need to do is re-book and go and let your DC have new experiences.

My dc do get to have fun experiences. They are very happy children. They have days out with me and my mum has taken them places etc. Dp can do days out if he feels up to it too.

We have never been on a family holiday together. I class that as me, dp and the children away for a week.

I never said they are missing out on a fun childhood.

I just wanted some supportive suggestions to help encourage dp to try to do things out of his comfort zone. I am not concerned that my children are missing out because of his problems or my anxiety. They aren't.

Sorry but you should go with the kids. What about them? Your dh is selfish. He can’t just blame others. Wake up to what he is like. Put your kids first.

He needs to seek treatment for his anxiety and push through the barrier of going away. I think perhaps avoid booking something close to home because it can so easily be cancelled or you could drive home. Book something several hours away instead. What does he worry will happen that can't easily be resolved. Try and tackle that. Your children might well be happy but you sound so disappointed and rightly so. This is selfish behaviour and impacts you all. He is being very unreasonable to not seek help just because of one GP. It's very defeatist of you to just accept it.

But they will start to pick up on these issues and it will affect them you can't pretend that it doesn't.
I have every sympathy for you and your dh, I just don't understand the mentality of not trying to seek help. Clearly he can't get past this on his own by just trying, (as shown by the holiday) he needs more support. For his sake, your sake and definitely for the children's sake, please look into getting him some more help.

@thorliscious

My dc do get to have fun experiences. They are very happy children. They have days out with me and my mum has taken them places etc. Dp can do days out if he feels up to it too.

We have never been on a family holiday together. I class that as me, dp and the children away for a week.

I never said they are missing out on a fun childhood.

I just wanted some supportive suggestions to help encourage dp to try to do things out of his comfort zone. I am not concerned that my children are missing out because of his problems or my anxiety. They aren't.

This is exactly what CBT offers. Is there a reason he wouldn't seek something like that out?

Your dc are missing out though... They are missing a father playing an active role in their lives.
They are learning that one person can dictate how a whole family lives.
If you have daughters they are learning that women do all the brunt of family work and men must be pandered to...

I can see how hard it must be, you love your dh and probably feel awful for him. You want to protect him, but who looks after you op?

I agree children do not need holidays and days out etc to be happy, but they do need to feel safe and happy in their home, and your dc are learning everyone must tiptoe around dad's issues..

And you must be exhausted... When do you get a break from looking after dc and dh?

Anxiety is treatable.. Refusing to see a different gp or do cbt etc is because you dh is getting alot out of being "sick"..

Sort yourselves out for the sake of the kids

@nutellatoast

But they will start to pick up on these issues and it will affect them you can't pretend that it doesn't. I have every sympathy for you and your dh, I just don't understand the mentality of not trying to seek help. Clearly he can't get past this on his own by just trying, (as shown by the holiday) he needs more support. For his sake, your sake and definitely for the children's sake, please look into getting him some more help.

Agree but he needs to look into getting help himself, not have the OP running around doing it.

I'm a therapist myself and people who have been 'sent' rarely have good outcomes, they're not not motivated to make changes and are just doing it to shut someone else up!

You're still in denial thinking that this won't affect your children. It will. You're still choosing him over them. You're still indulging him instead of pushing him to seek treatment. It's the same song, over and over again. Why come on here asking for advice and then not listen to it?

I am listening to the advice.

I am trying to defend the fact that my children are missing out. They are not. They adore dp and he does them. They do not have to tiptoe around his issues!

On a normal day dp will sit with dc and read to them, play sports with them and most days be silly with them. I often return home from the shop to see the youngest climbing on his back whilst the other is combing his hair. No one is tiptoeing around.

I do agree though that I am disappointed. I feel like we all deserve a break but it would have to be one we can all enjoy.

Dp has tried CBT but even I will admit it was useless for him.

Dp has tried CBT but even I will admit it was useless for him

Then he needs to try something else. Do you want to live like this forever? Does he?

He needs help because

1. HE is Missing out on his kids growing up

2.YOU are missing out on a normal marriage

1. Prob most important when your kids get older they will work out what's going on and he is modelling that behaviour. Do you want them living this life as an adult themselves?
2. When your children have grown up and it you and him don't you want a life and plans and holidays yourself?

Did he have a great loss as a child to trigger this? If he hates social contact he may have social anxiety. My dad has this and my mum misses out on so much.

I'm not qualified to offer you advice op, your situation sounds difficult and mental health issues can be debilitating.
What I will say is I'm appalled that people equate a happy childhood with holidays and 'experiences' I've worked in education for over 20 years and this recent trend for #makingmemories is cringeworthy.

A happy childhood requires love, security, the opportunity to learn and explore (and this can be in the local park) and all the warmth and support a decent parent will offer.
Yes, your dh seriously needs help but I'm sure 2 sets of twins within a loving family, are having an awful lot of fun most days!

@thorliscious it is difficult to make suggestions because he honestly sounds as though he needs professional help. Would it be an option to find a pyshcotherapist who he could talk to about the issue, given that he won't seek help from his GP ?

He needs to understand that he could have a lot more control of the anxiety, could learn to manage it better and be a lot happier as a result, if he accepts professional support.

I think this is what you should be concentrating on, getting him to accept support and help

When DS1 was diagnosed with autism a couple of weeks ago, one of the questions was 'does he hate going on holiday?'.

Your DH should try to get an autism assessment, he can then start to understand his anxiety.

@allfalldown47

I'm not qualified to offer you advice op, your situation sounds difficult and mental health issues can be debilitating. What I will say is I'm appalled that people equate a happy childhood with holidays and 'experiences' I've worked in education for over 20 years and this recent trend for #makingmemories is cringeworthy.

A happy childhood requires love, security, the opportunity to learn and explore (and this can be in the local park) and all the warmth and support a decent parent will offer.
Yes, your dh seriously needs help but I'm sure 2 sets of twins within a loving family, are having an awful lot of fun most days!

I agree.

Yes dp does also suffer with social anxiety.

We have never considered autism but I will look into that. I am thinking of changing GP surgeries as he has had bad advice from the ones he's currently with. That has knocked him back massively. It took a lot for him to see the GP and he was basically told that ' even the most sane person would struggle with 2 sets of twins '

That was the exact words from the doctor. Basically told you had the children, now face the challenges.

How very disappointing.
As a child I had 2 holidays a year, days out, you name it. I also had a mum with anxiety and depression and guess what I have as an adult....beautiful memories of holidays as a child....no....anxiety and depression learned from my mum.....yeah. I was a happy child, at the time most children will appear to be happy but their brains are developing around its environment. I would I have swapped anything for my mum to have worked on her MH but she didn’t and I suffered. As an adult is my job to do all I can to fix my MH for my children. This is of course if is MH and not something else. Either way it cant be left.