I feel sad. Just cancelled holiday booked for next week.

[thorliscious]

We booked our first ever family holiday last month. Just a holiday park for a week. Due to go on Monday.

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together. He basically becomes very anxious and stressed to the point he can barely function or think straight.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

We didn't tell our dc ( 2 sets of twins 4 &7 ) as I knew it would only end in disappointment. I planned on surprising them on the morning.

Anyway it's cancelled now and I feel sad. Dp feels rubbish about it too but it really wouldn't have been much fun if he was so anxious/ stressed.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and found a solution?

Also all I here on your posts are you are trying to help, you are thinking of changing GP surgery’s. You can can’t change other people, they must want to for themselves. He must have a desire in his heart to change the way he is living. It’s hard and I fear that he is being controlled by anxiety, it will control you all, its a horrible illness and it wants to destroy everything.

You do sound resigned that he is how he is.

I would have gone by myself with the DC. Yes, hard work but I wouldn't let DHs mental state mean they miss out. He would probably enjoy a quite week by himself.

It’s hard and I fear that he is being controlled by anxiety, it will control you all, its a horrible illness and it wants to destroy everything.

This ^^

My DDs both have anxiety, due to their late father's abusive behaviour towards them. The difference is that they are not letting it control them - they are fighting it, going through therapy, challenging that anxiety with everything they do because they realise the choice they have is to let it rule them or to have a life. They're 17 and 19. Sitting back and going 'oh well, it's just how I am' isn't an option.

You’re looking for practical suggestions OP so this is what I’ll give you.
Yes definitely change GP’s and have him go back. Go with him to the appointment if you both feel it would help.
Keep building on what he can do. You say he can do days out sometimes. Have you all been away overnight? Maybe a whole weeks holiday is too overwhelming at this point. If you can maybe get one night away as a family and build it up from there.
Break down the things that cause the anxiety and see if they can be addressed. For example, my DD has anxiety around needing the loo when she’s out so we plan accordingly and she can then enjoy whatever we’re doing. Get him to really break it down and you may be able to put things in place to help.

I couldn’t afford many holidays when my DC were little so no, not going on holiday isn’t going to damage them mentally. But what posters are saying (and I agree) is he can’t let this rule his life. For his own sake as much as anyone’s. So giving up just isn’t an option. He does need to find the will to fight it.

Dp has tried CBT but even I will admit it was useless for him.

CBT is done at different intensities, so even this may be something worth exploring with the GP - he may be able to step up to something more intense.

Also - and I appreciate this may sound a bit silly - does he exercise regularly? Exercise is often incredibly beneficial for anxiety, so if it's not currently part of his life, I would very strongly suggest he make every effort to incorporate it.

It’s not about the holiday as such, it’s about the fact that your family’s life is being dictated by the issues of a man who isn’t actively working to find workable coping strategies, and is shrugging and blaming his GP.

And honestly, OP, if you think your children as they grow up — the seven years almost certainly already — won’t be aware that Daddy’s anxieties are allowed to rule the family, and that you can let yourself off the hook from any and all aspects of life that are new, unfamiliar and out of your comfort zone, you’re being unrealistic.

It's interesting he didn't get on with CBT, as worrying about dangerous things happening and anxiety in social situations are issues that it has a particularly good evidence base for.

Did he actually engage well and do the home practices I wonder?

Sometimes therapy isn't successful because there isn't a good working alliance in place, would it worth trying again with someone new?

I do agree though that I am disappointed. I feel like we all deserve a break but it would have to be one we can all enjoy.

It really doesnt. You can ho on a holiday with your children and thoroughly enjoy it without him. 5 people having a holiday. Your way is that 0 people will enjoy a holiday.

I take my children on holiday alone for a week in the uk every summer alone. Dh stays at home to work. I get more holiday from work than he does. The children do not care at all that he isnt there. They are just having fun.

I'd look into that medication. Some medicines for anxiety do make some people more anxious.

Did he actually engage well and do the home practices I wonder?

I wonder. A friend of mine didn't, I know, because as she admitted herself much later on she fundamentally didn't want to (as she saw it) do the things that frightened her, so she didn't want to work through the steps of CBT that would have allowed/enabled/'forced' her to face them.

Which I have enormous sympathy with, but she was a single woman without children, and her anxieties were not restricting the lives of five other people as well as herself.

Maybe if you went without him that would actually give him the kick to do something about it.

If he is stuck at home while your having fun it might give him impetuous to seek help.

My df had all sorts of MH issues when we were young & it took him years to get help as it wasn't so readily available in the 1970s. He ruined many family days out & unfortunately they can be the ones children remember.
Dm was an enabler but she drew the line at holidays being ruined & took us away on her own. We all had a great time & appreciated the break from walking on eggshells, dm included.
I'm so so grateful to dm for doing this for us, it can't have been easy.
I agree all the #makingmemories stuff is nauseating but I have such fond memories of those holidays.
I hope your dh can access the help he needs but you may have to go it alone. Good luck.

I don't understand why you couldn't have gone on the holiday with the children yourself ?

If you have cancelled, it must have cost you time, money & emotional stress

His stress level is not normal & needs addressing

I think it requires some really deep thinking and discussion between you and your husband because to believe it is having no impact on the children is a mistake.
What happens and we are capable of this happening is that we normalise a situation because it is for us normal. I personally normalised an abusive relationship because it was totally normal to me. Other posters are shocked and can see the consequences of what’s happening because it is in actual fact not normal. I became defensive when other people told me to think about the impact on our children. I thought I was shielding them but...and it really stings I was enabling the abuse in a way of our children. If you can take anything from people’s reaction take the fact that it is more then feeling sad about cancelling a holiday. Feel sad for him, love him but don’t enable him to continue. Life is hard!

Remember you need a holiday a break to re-charge or risk burn out, then the children will suffer. You need to look after yourself as you only have one body to live in.

Take a friend or relative and leage him at home

I would have gone without him and given the option to join you when he was able to even if just for the day

Sorry, haven't RTFT (yet).

He blames the gp for causing his problems

Well, I'd say there's a problem right there......

Anyway, I'm in the same boat (if that helps), should be flying to Spain on Monday. Haven't cancelled yet but I'm not going.
I have travel insurance but Covid is not covered so that's that money down the drain.

At least we have nice hot Spanish-type weather.... :-)

CBT is usually less effective when the person in therapy doesn’t fully commit to the homework or completing the course. Did your DH truthfully adhere to the goals set for him each week? Did he complete the diary etc? It is a form of exposure therapy and if you don’t ‘expose’ yourself then the behaviour can’t change. CBT is really effective, if it didn’t work before it could still work again. A 2 pronged attack of medication and cbt can be a good approach.

Or Perhaps your husband wasn’t ready to commit to change at the time or even now? Sometimes the therapist isn’t the right fit either. If he’s unwilling to reconsider therapy then I would see this as a deliberate obstacle. Perhaps there’s a pay off for wanting to stay the way he is & he isn’t incentivised for change?

I feel for you. Anxiety is a hard battle but it truly can be overcome. I have overcome OCD, health anxiety & GAD.

Anxiety can be debilitating but it isn’t an excuse to negatively impact your loved ones’ lives. I feel like anxiety makes you selfish - some days I could happily ask DP to cancel a day out we have planned so I can hide at home. But I don’t, because it’s his life too and I have a responsibility to deal with my issues. Avoidance also does absolutely nothing to help people with anxiety. Trust me, I know how disabling it can be - I had a nervous breakdown in my third year of university.

You do need to stop enabling him, because that is what’s happening. By cancelling the holiday you’re teaching him that if he says “I’m too anxious, I can’t do it” then he can control the situation and his anxiety is soothed. Like many PPs have said, next time I suggest going anyway without him. He has the right to choose not to go, but he doesn’t have the right to stop you and the kids going too. (Not saying he wants to do that).

I know you posted here asking for advice and support of how to help him but, to put it bluntly, there’s absolutely fuck all you or anyone else can do for him if he refuses to engage with help or treatment. That would be the dealbreaker for me - not the anxiety itself, but the willingness to let it impact his loved ones and the refusal to take any ownership for that.

“I have anxiety” is an explanation for some behaviour but it’s not an excuse.

Also, this “I don’t want to do any activities for two weeks” is a joke - he can’t do that. He cannot let his feelings take absolute precedence over everything and refuse to take part in family activities for a fortnight after he’s (not necessarily deliberately) manipulated the situation to soothe his anxiety. This isn’t acceptable.