I feel sad. Just cancelled holiday booked for next week.

[thorliscious]

We booked our first ever family holiday last month. Just a holiday park for a week. Due to go on Monday.

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together. He basically becomes very anxious and stressed to the point he can barely function or think straight.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

We didn't tell our dc ( 2 sets of twins 4 &7 ) as I knew it would only end in disappointment. I planned on surprising them on the morning.

Anyway it's cancelled now and I feel sad. Dp feels rubbish about it too but it really wouldn't have been much fun if he was so anxious/ stressed.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and found a solution?

He sounds selfish

You should have gone on the holiday without him - he might learn then he needs to sort himself out instead of dragging 5 other people down with him

How has he gotten to adulthood like this? And fathered 4 children?

It's terribly unfair on your children to miss out on things like holidays and days out, even if they didn't know they were going to happen.

If he can't get a handle on his anxiety then he just has to accept he isn't going to be a part of those activities but why should your kids miss out?

I would call them back OP and ask if you can rebook and just take the kids.

Does he accept that cancelling this holiday due to his anxiety is affecting the enjoyment of 5 other family members ?
Personally I would still go if it was 30 mins away. If this continues without him addressing it your poor children will miss out on so much.

"How has he gotten to adulthood like this? And fathered 4 children?

It's terribly unfair on your children to miss out on things like holidays and days out, even if they didn't know they were going to happen.

If he can't get a handle on his anxiety then he just has to accept he isn't going to be a part of those activities but why should your kids miss out?

I would call them back OP and ask if you can rebook and just take the kids."

This. Every word of it. Why do his needs come ahead of everyone else's? And actually sacrificing the whole family's needs to his is not helpful to him - what motivation does he have to deal with these problems if you just keep fixing the world around him to keep him comfortable? Come on - your first duty is to your DCs not to him. He's a grown up. I'm a pretty anxious person but I wouldn't dream of restricting my DCs' and husband's lives in this manner on the basis of my anxieties.

And it's terribly convenient that he's now so exhausted by anxiety that he cannot help care for his children for the next couple of weeks. That just sounds like a massive piss-take to me. Particularly if he won't do anything to fix his problems.

I'm sorry but I think this goes way beyond MH issues. Millions of people suffer from MH issues and do not use them to control their family in this way. I think you need to take a long hard look at how he is using MH issues to control you and your DCs. If he continues to indulge himself in this way at the expense of everyone else, you do need to start blaming him. At least, don't let his crippling anxiety cripple everyone else's life.

If you've already cancelled now then theres nothing you can do, but i think you need to start putting the kids before your husband. You either need to be brave and take them by yourself, or ask a family member or friend if they can come with you?
My husband is abit like this, doesn't like holidays or days out. I've always taken the kids by myself and we always have a much better time becuz I'm not having to concern myself with how the husband is feeling etc. I've told him he's missing out and won't be included in memories. That's up to him but he's not spoiling it for the rest of us

It really really sounds to me as if your husband is on the spectrum. Does he work? How does he cope with other things in his life such as social events etc

I was sympathetic until you said he couldn’t parent his kids for the holiday at home whilst he de-stresses. That would be ultimatum time from me to go back to the doctor.
I’m sorry your life is restricted like this

I feel for all of you OP. My DP has some relatively low level anxiety issues stemming from a health condition. One day it went so far as to stop him coming on a pre-planned day trip with me.

Roll forward another year or so and his DM's health deteriorated massively due to her own inactivity which stemmed from a similar anxiety about going out.

The combination of these made him realise that he really needed to get some help to get through it. His GP was excellent, thankfully, and referred him for CBT. It helped him massively and taught him techniques to cope with the anxious feelings when they start.

He has kept all his notes from his sessions and refers back to them when he feels he needs to, but ultimately we now never have to worry about a cancelled day trip.

Please encourage him to seek support again. My DP's counselling was done through the local Mind charity - Anxiety page here

I wish you luck OP - you all deserve to be able to enjoy a break

Sorry, I know I'm putting the boot in here - I'm so annoyed on your DCs' behalf - but by letting his anxieties rule family life in this way, you are really letting your DCs down. This is not good parenting on your part. I'm sure you are a brilliant mother in many ways, but not in this.

He sounds selfish. His needs come before everyone else's- why? If the holiday was only 30 mins away, why didn't you just take the kids?

Sounds very convenient that now he's so exhausted he can't do anything for days 🙄

What is he like at work? Does he manage then?

And does he go out with friends, do other social things?

Very sad way for you and dc to live. I'd be giving him an ultimatum, I think. He needs to get help, or you leave.

Your OH really needs to address this. Hard as it will be, he has no right to allow his issues to stop 5 other people living a full life. As for needing 2 weeks' rest just to recover from the stress of not going on holiday - I smell a pisstake here and you are going along with it.

Looking more widely, your DC will suffer from living around a parent who is that anxious. He can't be allowed to just go on like this - he has to go back to the GP, change tablets if the ones he's on aren't working, get referred for therapy.

And if all else fails, you go on holiday without him, for your kids' sakes. He's a grown man, he can fend for himself for a week,

What @ellisandra said. This is completely nuts, and not remotely normal. No way would I have put up with this through four kids. You poor thing - please book yourself a holiday!

How disappointing for you.

I'd find it very difficult to be with someone who limits everyone else's activities like this.

Perhaps next time just plan a holiday for just you and your children. Leave him at home. I appreciate looking after 4 by yourself won't be very restful but I'm guessing he's not that much help when you are out and about anyway.

It's 30 mins away! Can you uncancel? Drive over there yourself with the DC and let him know he is welcome to join you at any point. Start your holiday, and know that if it gets too much for you, you are only 30 mins away from home. By text explain to him that it would be safer and less stressful for you if he were there too to help with the DC, but don't reduce4 your life to the scale of his most extreme anxiety. One of the hugest rows DH and I ever had was about his inability to go on holiday. he went into panic mode at the thought of leaving UK and kept making excuses until everything was booked up and over priced. Once we had the huge row, the air was cleared and I just started booking stuff anyway, After a while he became much more adventurous and agreed more easily. You just have to encourage him to extend his comfort zone.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

If it’s only 30 minutes away it is local, really. Just go, without DP, and if you need to come back early then do so. You can take picnic food (so not managing them all eating out) and if it’s a holiday park like Haven etc there will be child-safe ways to manage them all. Make the 7s feel grown-up by asking them to ‘help’ you. (Or leave the 4s with DP the first few days then swap the kids over - you get the whole week and the DC get a few days each).

No way can he get out of parenting at home, surely?

I feel your family, but I think your husband needs to be encouraged to take responsibility for managing the impact on this and you all. Could he consider CBT?

I would agree with the other posters (sorry I didn't previously read the full thread) to go yourself with the children. You shouldn't all miss out. Plus it might motivate your husband to get appropriate help seeing how much everyone enjoys it.

Your DC are paying too high a price for his anxiety. This is not fair on them.

He needs to address it and you need to address yours - and stop enabling each other.

Why on earth did you book a holiday in the middle of a pandemic.

@Coldspringharbour because 6 people on a holiday park (so separate accommodation) only 30 minutes from home can have a lovely low health risk break, that her 4 and 7 year olds are a great age for?

Your children are dependents - parents need to fight their corner at times. Your husband needs to get control of his anxiety so it no longer impacts on family life. If the current GP is an issue - go to a different one. Don't make excuses.

I’m trying to be sympathetic but struggling to be honest.
What a shame for your kids who are being deprived of a change of a change of scene and new experiences.

As it’s so close I don’t understand why you can’t go alone with them knowing you’re only 30 mins from home if it gets too much. Or is there not a grandparent or friend that can come with you in his place.

Don’t let him spoil it for all of you and make your children’s childhoods narrower than they should be.

Also surely you couldn’t have got a full refund at such short notice?

I think maybe you have accepted this for too long.

Oh Op, I really feel for you and your lovely wee ones! This is so unfair on them

Would you be able to go alone?
I get massively anxious before going on holiday as I hate packing! I’ll struggled to sleep for a few weeks beforehand but as soon as I’m on my way I feel great, his anxiety is way beyond normal levels.

You’re way too sympathetic to your DH and I’m wondering if you’ve been kind of brainwashed by him. It sounds like his needs trump everyone else’s. This is outrageous. I can only echo what others have said, how on earth does he do any adulting? I think you’re way under reacting.

If it’s only 30 minutes away you could do it in a day trip or series of day trips? Can you uncancel it?

How convenient that he’s going need a big lie down to recover. So he’s going to get a nice rest anyway.

It's one thing to be anxious - I've had periods of intense anxiety in the past, and they sucked. I'm not unsympathetic to that experience. But, experiencing such intense anxiety that it's life-limiting not only for him but also for his partner and children, and not doing everything in his power to address it? That's not on.

So he thinks his GP is somehow terrible and awful and the root of the problem? See a different GP. Ask you to come along and advocate for him to ensure he gets his points across. Self-refer to IAPT. Look at private options. Take up bloody yoga, ffs. Do something about it.

And, if he knows - which he must have done, really - that he can't cope with a holiday away at present, as an absolute minimum he needs to speak up about that before things get to this point. Maybe he's just not ever going to be able to go on holiday with you and the kids, but there are ways you could plan around that rather than him just wait until the last minute and then hide in a hole.

You said he struggles with disruptions to his routine - how does he manage when unexpected things come up in day to day life? Like the boiler breaking down, or whatever? Does he struggle with those as well, or is it just planned events that throw him? My big worry, in your shoes, would be how he would cope alone if he ever needed to. Sorry to sound really depressing, but if (god forbid) anything ever happened to you, would he be able to appropriately take care of the kids?