I feel sad. Just cancelled holiday booked for next week.

[thorliscious]

We booked our first ever family holiday last month. Just a holiday park for a week. Due to go on Monday.

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together. He basically becomes very anxious and stressed to the point he can barely function or think straight.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

We didn't tell our dc ( 2 sets of twins 4 &7 ) as I knew it would only end in disappointment. I planned on surprising them on the morning.

Anyway it's cancelled now and I feel sad. Dp feels rubbish about it too but it really wouldn't have been much fun if he was so anxious/ stressed.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and found a solution?

*put not out

Would your H have let you go without him or would that have caused equal anxiety?

"And what are you going to do about the way your DC will be let down over and over and over again by a father who is refusing to address his MH issues and thereby depriving them of all the joyful things that make up a great childhood? hmm

Your solution isn't good enough."

This. Everyone on this thread has been pointing out that you should not just be capitulating to your DH's MH issues. It is damaging for you and worse it is damaging for your DCs who aren't being given a choice in all this. And ultimately it's damaging for your DH because he has no motivation to change if family life is run entirely to suit him.

I agree with everyone else. At one time my anxiety became so bad I was agoraphobic but I fought it with everything I had because I had DC and I didn’t want them having a shit childhood because of my issues. He sounds really selfish and you sound somewhat brainwashed by him. I can only agree with everything that’s been said so far.

Your enabling him OP. What does he intent to do on his childfree days? Abit of DIY? Some jobs need doing around the house? Will tea be on the table for your return???You need to put your foot down and demand he goes back to his doctor. This can't continue

I’ve suffered crippling anxiety in the past and if you allow it anxiety can be very selfish. You control events and others to control yourself instead of finding a way to control yourself yourself, it can become obsessive and avoiding makes it even worse. I have the deepest sympathy but I have worked my ass off getting myself into a better condition for my child. It’s hard work and it’s just awful but I did not want my anxiety to take control over me.

Does your DH work and how long is his commute? This is having a massive impact on you and your DC's. I feel for you, particularly that he won't get help and I would be questioning whether I could continue living a limited life with someone.

I have become agoraphobic recently
Post COVID symptoms limiting my ability to be away from Home combined with anxiety and a feeling of letting people down

I would have made sure you and the children went away, why did you cancel?

You need to be really firm and day you expect him to get help. My wife had mental health problems and knows I will support her as long as she seeks our professional help.

Please don’t let his anxiety affect your children
They don’t need a holiday to have a lovely childhood but it would definitely create wonderful memories for them

OP**Where are your wants and needs in all this?

Why on earth did the pair of you think it was a good idea to have 4 kids when he has these issues?

@whiskybysidedoor to be fair they came in pairs!

As it was so close I would have taken the older ones for the first part of the week and then swapped with the younger ones, and your DH would have had to step up and look after the other pair.

Is there any way of rebooking?

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

The problem is he has never had to try has he ? How do you or he know that if he actually got to the destination he would continue to be in such a state ? Did he go on holiday as a child ?

So his anxiety flared up and the holiday was cancelled. So he's never forced to face up to whatever this is? He's holding you all hostage with this behaviour. Could you not go yourself if he's not willing to step up?

I do get this - I have autism in my family and have been brushed with the anxiety brush myself. What I have learned is that the anticipation is far, far worse than the actuality.

Is your dog aware of the anxiety spiral?

Feel anxious about an event - negative self talk of the "can't do it" variety - cancel event - feel relief - anxiety feels justified - so next event you still feel anxious

The only way to defeat anxiety is by exposure to the scary thing in small doses. Maybe he agrees to go to the holiday place for the first night to help settle you in, and if he needs to, he can go home in the morning, that sort of thing.

There are 4 vital things we need to bear in mind about anxiety:
*It's normal and natural (but can get out of control sometimes)
*It's expected and predictable (we can all predict the sorts of activities that increase anxiety)
*It feels bad, but the feeling can't hurt us
*It goes away.

Lol. Not your dog aware of anxiety spiral, but your DH.

"He blames the gp for causing his problems in the first place and says they cannot help him."

Seriously?? So he uses this as an excuse to carry on as he is and not make any effort to get better? And you are ok with this??? Your poor kids. I have every sympathy for his struggles but I cannot understand the not making any effort to improve things for himself and for you his family, and your acceptance of it! You are doing him and your children no favours letting him avoid getting any help. Don't think "oh it's only a holiday the kids will be fine without it", they will be picking up on his anxiety if not now then soon.

If he blames the GP find a new GP or use your holiday money to get some therapy. This is not a healthy way for any of you to live.

Couldn't live like that.
No way.

He sounds utterly ridiculous. Funny how it's never women who are allowed the luxury of this sort of nonsense - no, they've got kids to sort and life to get on with.

You're not the poster who posted previously about this are you? With the husband crying in bed in the middle of the night due to a planned holiday?

My patience would be wearing thin. Anxiety is no joke but he needs to explore every avenue to sort this out rather than 'needing time to relax to get over the anxiety caused by the non holiday'

Talking about blaming the GP mine told me that I was feeling light headed because I needed sugar so for over a decade when I was anxious I ate. Absolutely bonkers advice and only made my problems worse. But I don’t blame the GP.

Where did your husbands anxiety come from. Does he have any trauma in his past that needs looking at? Is it holidays or is it just a change of routine which upsets him?

I think I would have taken kids and left him at home. Has he tried hypnotherapy? My cousin's could not go on plane but after hypnotherapy flew to Ireland and back with no problems. She had been afraid of flying all of her life.

@whiskybysidedoor

Why on earth did the pair of you think it was a good idea to have 4 kids when he has these issues?

Quite.

What a selfish, selfish man he is. And you are enabling it.

This has made me so cross - your children are missing out, stand up for them. You think you're protecting them, but you're not.

Your DH needs to get help, it should be a non-negotiable.

Please don’t let him ruin yours and your children’s lives like this. It sounds an utterly miserable existence staying at home all the time to please him.

I have anxiety too and sometimes you just have to push through it as it only gets worse the more you give into it. Now I can say to myself “you’ve been out to restaurants hundreds of times and it’s always been fine” and that helps me be calm and live a normal life most of the time.

Can’t you get someone else to go with you if the kids are too difficult on your own? Your mum maybe? Or a friend with kids as well?

Just take them on your own?

Or take 2 each?

It’s nice you’ve planned something with your Mum - what does she think about your DP’s anxiety and behaviour?

Please start planning things like holidays without him. You could ask your mum to come on a long weekend break to a caravan or similar, for example.

One of the key recommendations for anyone living with someone with anxiety is not to ‘prop up’ their anxiety. I speak as someone who has suffered it and recovered & now works with sufferers. It feels harsh and hard but he won’t learn to cope or be motivated to change if you indulge him. If you go ahead & go on holiday he will either get left behind or choose to push himself on. Myself, I chose the latter when my DH decided to get on with his life. I chose to not get left behind. It’s a hard choice but honestly you’ll be making the right one. Lots of love to you, it must be hard & disappointing.