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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sad. Just cancelled holiday booked for next week.

146 replies

thorliscious · 05/08/2020 12:16

We booked our first ever family holiday last month. Just a holiday park for a week. Due to go on Monday.

Dp struggles when he has things planned for example holidays, therefore we have never been on one together. He basically becomes very anxious and stressed to the point he can barely function or think straight.

This has happened and now our little holiday has been cancelled. It would have been pointless going anyway with him in such a state.

We didn't tell our dc ( 2 sets of twins 4 &7 ) as I knew it would only end in disappointment. I planned on surprising them on the morning.

Anyway it's cancelled now and I feel sad. Dp feels rubbish about it too but it really wouldn't have been much fun if he was so anxious/ stressed.

I am going to try and do something local that is fun for the dc but not easy with 4 kids on my own! I'm glad we didn't tell them about the holiday.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and found a solution?

OP posts:
Tappering · 05/08/2020 16:20

Another one here saying that your partner needs to step up and take responsibility for his mental health. If he doesn't want to see the GP then why isn't he going for counselling?

This is hugely unfair to your children, who are going to grow up not being able to do family activities and holidays because your partner won't do them.

And it does sound terribly convenient that he's got himself so worked up that he needs a fortnight of you tiptoeing round him - and presumably doing all the shit work? - so that he can "recover". If his mental health problems are so severe that they preclude him being able to participate in normal.family life for the next two weeks, then he's being dreadfully selfish in not seeking treatment.

happytoday73 · 05/08/2020 16:28

This is not acceptable. He really needs to see his GP. If need be you could do with a phone call to explain how it's effecting family life so GP is more aware.

I agree with others though... Could you not go? ... Even for a few days? .. Take your mum? Sister?
My husband only likes certain types of holidays. I now go without him occasionally... Only 2 kids though but we have a great time

katy1213 · 05/08/2020 16:33

What a selfish man. You need to tell him straight that if he doesn't address this, you'll be leaving - and let him get anxious over that if he likes! And never mind having a lie down to recover - a kick up the arse would do him more good.
Now - can you get that holiday reinstated and go on your own with the children? It's a handful to manage four but if they're happy and playing, you'll be fine. Misery guts can fret on his own at home.You don't need to run your life around him. I think a healthy dose of cynicism about his 'anxiety' is long overdue.

YgritteSnow · 05/08/2020 16:48

I couldn't and wouldn't live like this. I would have taken them on my own. I was irritated to fuck just reading that! Poor kids missing out.

And yes I do understand mental health issues etc, I've suffered severely myself in the past but I made the effort and got help. I still have panic disorder now, I get it I do but this is ridiculous!

Alfiemoon1 · 05/08/2020 17:05

Why didn’t you take them on your own as it sounds like he won’t be much use this week anyway and you will have to take them out on your own

He needs to seek help this isn’t fair to dc or you living like this

Drivingdownthe101 · 05/08/2020 17:10

@Coldspringharbour

Why on earth did you book a holiday in the middle of a pandemic.
We’re currently on holiday (UK). It’s lovely. We’ve barely seen anyone all week so can’t see how we’re putting anyone at risk.

Anyway... I agree with the majority of the above OP. Why do his needs come before yours and your children’s? Why should their life be limited because he won’t get the appropriate help?

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2020 17:23

Don't allow his anxiety to ruin your life

Original poster
thorliscious · 05/08/2020 17:50

We booked it originally as he has been in really good health recently. I think the lockdown was beneficial to him as he didn't have to mix with others and could work at home.

I always had my doubts that we would go as this has happened before and a lot with day trips too. It was actually his idea to book as at the time it felt possible to do.

Today I have arranged a day trip to the beach for next week with my mum and dp will come if he can on the day but there is no pressure on him as he thinks he isn't coming. Our dc are very excited as I've told them and I will make sure they will not be let down.

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/08/2020 17:53

Today I have arranged a day trip to the beach for next week with my mum and dp will come if he can on the day but there is no pressure on him as he thinks he isn't coming. Our dc are very excited as I've told them and I will make sure they will not be let down.

And what are you going to do about the way your DC will be let down over and over and over again by a father who is refusing to address his MH issues and thereby depriving them of all the joyful things that make up a great childhood? Hmm

Your solution isn't good enough.

user1481840227 · 05/08/2020 17:55

He will need a while just to rest after this as he's got himself so worked up about it all. From experience he will not want to do activities for a good week or 2. It's that bad.

What has he actually been diagnosed with?

BwanaMakubwa · 05/08/2020 17:56

I agree with everyone else. Sod him; you and the kids go.
He has every right not to tackle this anxiety in relation to himself if he isn't ready.
He cannot expect you and the kids to pander to it as well.

The issue is, your children will grow up with an impoverished set of life experiences and may well end up with a dodgy risk assessment mechanism. It's already potentially in their genetic heritage. You owe it to them to enable them to do mildly risky things so that they don't end up paralysed with anxiety themselves.

Original poster
thorliscious · 05/08/2020 17:59

@pointythings so do you think that holidays are the only thing to make a great childhood?

I had very few growing up and had a great childhood. My dc do a lot of fun things with me.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 05/08/2020 18:00

Wow. He needs to go back to the doctor or he's going to ruin your kids' childhoods to be honest.

fluffiphlox · 05/08/2020 18:00

He needs to take some responsibility for his health for his and his family’s sake. He’s being very selfish. If he doesn’t start taking action I think you would be within your rights to leave him to his own devices.
As for your short break, maybe you could have taken a different adult with you?

CodenameVillanelle · 05/08/2020 18:00

[quote thorliscious]@pointythings so do you think that holidays are the only thing to make a great childhood?

I had very few growing up and had a great childhood. My dc do a lot of fun things with me. [/quote]
What about him? And don't tell me holidays are the only thing he ruins with his anxiety.

Floralnomad · 05/08/2020 18:02

If you are basically going to be managing the children on your own anyway why didn’t you just take them on the holiday on your own , or see if a friend / your mum could come and join you for a few days as it’s so close .

Windmillwhirl · 05/08/2020 18:07

This isnt just anxiety, it is an anxiety disorder he has. If he is not prepared to help himself then this sounds like a very sad future for you and your children, op.

rookiemere · 05/08/2020 18:09

You don't sound angry or surprised OP, just resigned
Aren't you angry that money for a fun trip for the DCs has been wasted?

LilyWater · 05/08/2020 18:11

OP why can't you just go on holiday with you and the kids? If I had such anxiety there's no way I would want it to stop my wife and kids having a well deserved holiday even if they insisted on staying behind with me.

May sound a bit harsh but if you're constantly manoeuvring everything around his anxiety there may be less impetus for him to actually seek the help he needs to deal with it and to keep working on it. Of course you should be supportive and certain things need to be accommodated for him but surely anyone would want to minimise the effect of their anxiety on their spouse and kids as they'll have their family's best interests at heart, not just themselves Confused

Villanemme · 05/08/2020 18:12

So he's going to manage to work/play for the next two weeks but just doesn't want to do 'activities' with his family while he calms down? For your own sanity and health, just holiday/live life without including him. How does he cope if you want to go out for the evening and he has to feed the family and put the children to bed etc? I suspect that this has all become the norm and you all just tiptoe around him, meanwhile 5 other lives are put on hold.

AldiAisleofCrap · 05/08/2020 18:17

@thorliscious why didn’t you take the children by yourself ? It’s very unfair not to take them just because your dh can’t.

Yaottie · 05/08/2020 18:21

[quote thorliscious]@pointythings so do you think that holidays are the only thing to make a great childhood?

I had very few growing up and had a great childhood. My dc do a lot of fun things with me. [/quote]
But not with their dad, eh

pointythings · 05/08/2020 18:23

@thorlicious it isn't just about holidays though, is it? It isn't even just about days out. It's about living around someone who is in a constant state of fear about everything. It's about having a parent who isn't doing his best to be the best parent he can be. It's about you not putting your children first. Notice how this thread is pretty much unanimous in saying that your OH needs to step up and work on his mental health - nobody is saying 'oh yes, of course you are completely right to just let him manage this the way he wants'.

You're getting defensive with me because - why, exactly? Are you going to wait until your DC are grown up to see what the consequences of your choices - and his choices - will be?

Seeingadistance · 05/08/2020 18:34

I couldn’t live like that, and I’d have gone without him.

He needs to seek help for this, and do whatever he can to ensure that his problems don’t affect you or your children.

How does he manage in other areas of life?

Someone has already mentioned autism. Autistic people can struggle with unplanned activities or events, but I’ve not heard of anyone having a meltdown because of a planned event which they were looking forward to, and which involved others.

Does he have a diagnosis of anything, OP?

Mulhollandmagoo · 05/08/2020 18:35

You sound like you've resigned yourself and your children to this life, you've decided this is how your husband is and everyone else has to work around that. As your children get older living this way will cause them irreparable damage, this isn't ok OP. It's also not fair that you out your husband's anxieties above your children. He needs help for this, he needs some therapy so should go back to the doctor

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