You patronising fucking bitch....

[hopingtobedally]

If a male who was meant to love you came out with this ....what would you think?

Oh dear. No, I left that shit years ago. I found a man who respects women. I'd LTB.

I'd think you were dating my ex.

I would think we were into a good feisty argument. I can be a patronising fucking bitch and wouldn't be surprised to be called out on it.

In the context you describe, coming from myself or several of my previous partners I would think it was pretty much tit for tat. But I'm not that bothered by bad language.

If my DH said it (or I said it to him) I would think it was a sign things had gone much further than they ever have before and we needed to consider counseling or mediation or something. Because that's not the way we talk to each other even when we are upset.

Oooohhhh op are you dating my ex.
I would end it. Tbh pp have valid points about 'under pressure' 'depends on context' I get we arent all robots. But IME its more about respect. I was with my husband 7 years we never once spoke to eachother in that way, in that tone. Yes sometimes he was a dick and sometimes I was a bitch, we went through a lot together, but I would never dreamt of saying to him 'you fucking dick'. I might have said dont be dick, under my breath, which to some is no different, but to me it is. He In return would never have called me what your DP did. Yes we had cross words and moments of pressure, of course we argued but we just didnt hurl insults and swear at each other in anger.
My ex, on the other had, the story you paint, wouldve been him to a tee. He was always using derogatory terms and calling me fucking this or fucking that slipped of his tongue easily, he turned out to be disrespectful abusive arse which I had the most toxic relationship of my life with.

I mean that about the "Oh here we go again phrase" too. Neither of those phrases are things you say to someone you respect or consider to be worth your time or consideration.

People have been asking about the context of the comment. I think it's also worth looking at context in terms of: how does he usually treat you, in words and actions.

On a side note, I'm a bit bemused by
Man calls women bitch = awful
Woman calls man cunt = fine, and in fact if you question it you must like misogynists. (I like the reply I once heard on here to being called a cunt: "Well yes, I have both warmth and depth, so that's a good comparison.") Bitch and cunt are both horrid words. I like to spend time only with people who omit them from their vocabulary.

I don't see anything too awful about "here we go again" if it's in the context of him contradicting himself in an argument. What are you supposed to do, just nod and agree with whatever bullshit he says? He obviously can't bear being called out on it, tho.

Sounds you're done.

I don't see anything too awful about "here we go again" if it's in the context of him contradicting himself in an argument. What are you supposed to do, just nod and agree with whatever bullshit he says?

Ideally you wouldn’t engage instead of being dismissive and patronising (Which “Here we go again” is).

People contradict themselves in arguments for all sorts fo reasons e.g. because they misspoke; because they aren’t very articulate; because they are trying to make a more complicated argument and leave out a bit that would make it make sense; because they haven’t thought it through well; because they are being a dick. “Here we go again” as a response is not trying to get to the bottom of the disagreement it’s just dismissing the other side. If the argument isn’t one you can engage in you should walk away and let things cool down/find a different way to discuss unless you want it to just become a slanging match (which can be its own catharsis for some couples).

how can anyone really judge without knowing any more of the story

Op gave an example of him saying two opposing things about their relationship at the same time. This sounds like a manipulative move to me, carrot and stick at the same time.

If it's a repeated pattern of arguing, which "here we go again" suggests, then they're not getting anywhere anyway.

I'm not suggesting her response was the best ever, just quite surprised by how many posters have jumped to his defence.

If a male who was meant to love you came out with this ....what would you think?

Run for the hills. Only a complete fool would try to excuse it.

how can anyone really judge without knowing any more of the story

Because this is MN, and this is how things work round here

There is no context where being called that by someone who supposedly loves me makes it fine and dandy. I don’t care what I’ve said, I have never called my husband names no matter how irritated I was and vice versa. It’s perfectly possible not to call each other that during a row. There is no excuse. I’d be gone.

@hopingtobedally

If a male who was meant to love you came out with this ....what would you think?

I'd guess you were having a row.

have you made up or are you not going to?

If he was otherwise great and this was out of character and he later profusely apologised, I could get past it.

I’m surprised by the pp who think it’s ok to use derogatory terms and speak to each other badly, particularly in a relationship.

I’m no prude, I love a sweary word, but DH and I do not use aggressive language with one another, even when having a raging argument. That’s a boundary that I insist on and I made very clear at the beginning of our relationship that if he ever spoke to me in a derogatory way, I would walk. Of course, I treat him the same way in return.

I think the use of the word ‘bitch’ in this context is really demeaning, spiteful and disrespectful. I wouldn’t want to be around any person that spoke to people like that. 🤷‍♀️

I’m no prude, I love a sweary word, but DH and I do not use aggressive language with one another, even when having a raging argument. That’s a boundary that I insist on and I made very clear at the beginning of our relationship that if he ever spoke to me in a derogatory way, I would walk. Of course, I treat him the same way in return

Same. We row fairly often, quite dramatically, and in 10+ years neither of us have called each other names. The idea that some people have that this is impossible baffles me. How can you call someone a fcking bitch and later that day tell them you love them? It’s BS.

@Smidge001

I would think the woman had just been extremely patronising to him, and that it must be a regular occurance for him to get so sweary about it.

Nice little bit of apologist behaviour there. Rather than think the man might be a d-hole for using that language the blame gets shoved onto the woman because she must be in the wrong.

I think way more is needed here for us to give advice.

Background, the actual situation where this happened, tone, face expression.

Too many variables.

But the fact that you decided to come here means you didn’t like it. And that counts more then anything we say.

sounds like you either need to work on your communication or end things.

Sadly 'bitch' did not have the same misogynistic implications when I was younger so he may not have meant to engender male power. Saying 'here we go again' is a bit passive aggressive and indeed patronizing so yeah, can see why that aggravated him. I think it's all about context and also, perhaps, how well he can hear that you did NOT like him talking to you like this. If he takes that on the chin and apologises maybe things can recover.

Personally I disagree with the 'context is everything' posts. Maybe it's different if you are in a relationship where you both regularly swear at each other. But if DH called me a fucking bitch (patronising or otherwise) it would be completely out of character and I would be devastated.

Not being sexist btw. Similarly I would never call him a fucking cunt or whatever.

Totally depends what the convo was.

Again, hard to say without being you or him, or knowing you or him, but on that limited information, I would think it may have been that he was trying to communicate a complicated feeling he had, that was hard to communicate, that he was trying to think through and that your response was indeed dismissive and patronising and he was insulted and hurt by it.