DH doesn’t want kids. I do.

[LilWren]

This is kind of a long story but I’ll try and keep it brief.
DH and I have been together since we were both 16. We got married 5 years ago, when we were 25. We’ve been through a lot of testing situations together, our relationship is strong and I’m more in love with him than ever.
There is just the one GIANT PROBLEM in that about a year after we got married he told me he didn’t want to have children. It was a pretty bad time all round, he was depressed, hated his job, we were a long way from home and family, and we had no money. After a lot of emotional conversations he said he would agree to having one baby together when we’re ready.
4 years down the line, we own our home a few miles away from both our parents, both doing well at work and comfortable financially. Over the past few years we’ve talked about it periodically and he’s seemed more and more positive about having kids.

HOWEVER. It was our 5th wedding anniversary the other week. We got to talking about the future, as you do. A few wines down the line and he says ‘I still don’t really want to have kids, I’m just doing it for you’.

Well this completely destroyed me, as you can imagine. I need a partner who will be with me every step of the way, who will be excited with me and love our baby as much as I do. If we go ahead with this, will he always feel resentful of me/our child? Will I hate him for being distant? Is it worth the risk anyway? I hear of so many fathers who were terrified but then completely fell in love with their child. Is it too much of a risk to hope this will happen?
He’s incredibly caring, loyal, hard working and a devoted husband. He is great with my cousin’s kids and they love him.
He says he just thinks having kids looks ‘terrible’ but I think there’s some family issues from his childhood that we may be able to address - his parents split when he was little and his dad has said it was because they had children (his mum had an affair and left his dad and the kids after they had his sister).

I feel stupid for thinking we were both on the same page, and selfish for not questioning it more at the time. I’m going to talk to him more about this when he’s back from a work trip next week, but if it turns out he genuinely just doesn’t want kids, rather than being afraid of the outcome, wtf do I do???

Having kids with someone who doesn’t want them would be a huge mistake. I’m sorry but I think if you want to have children it will have to be with someone else or alone. Would he agree to counselling ?

I’m so sorry to say this but I think every child deserves to be a wanted child. I think he’s doing the right thing by being clear with you that he doesn’t want children. I DON’T think it would be the right thing for him to have one anyway. Not for him, not for you, and especially not for the child.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit I think he would, we’ve both had counselling separately for different reasons so I know it’s something he believes in. Is there any way we can get out of this unscathed?? I can’t lose him, he’s everything to me but I can’t let go of my need to start a family. I hate this so much.

@Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing
I know you’re right. It’s breaking my heart. Do you think we could work through it if it’s based on fear rather than a deep conviction that it’s not the right thing for him?

Chuck him back, I'll have him.

He doesn't need counciling, theres nothing wrong with him. He doesn't want children. It's a perfectly valid life choice.

Personally I would never give up a man I loved and vice versa for some hypothetical mini me. But then, I have no desire for kids and I hear that shit can be pretty overwhelming, so if its an need for you have kids...set him free. Do both of you a favour. But don't expect him to change his mind down the road as his feelings and choices are just as valid as yours and it seems he knows them well.

Sorry, that sounded a bit harsh.
But sometimes what it boils down to is that two people sometimes arent suited because they want different things from life.

Sorry, but I think this is likely to go badly wrong. Having kids changes your life completely. I'm not sure that your distinction between not wanting kids and afraid of the outcome is. If he doesn't want the life that comes along with having kids, he doesn't want kids. Its a valid reason. He will likely become resentful of you, of the kid. Any cracks in a relationship are split wide open into canyons by having children. His crack is likely to be resentment.
And you are right to want to have a partner who is as into this and besotted as you are.

One kid isnt' a compromise btw. In many ways a single child is more work as they need more attention and more support and to socialise with other children. If you have siblings you can just leave them to play together and intervene when disputes arise. You can't do that with a single.

If he felt like this, he really should have told you before you got married. I suspect he didn't tell you as he knew it may have been a deal breaker. It really wasn't fair to do that to you.

I could have written this post myself op, 20 years ago. Married the man of my dreams, kept promising we would have children at specific times of our life but when we hit those milestones he changed the goal posts. I hit 30 and he finally told me he didn’t want children. We ended up divorcing as we both wanted very different lives. It tore my world apart and I thought my life was over. I went on to remarry and have 4 beautiful children. I’m still in touch with exh, he’s more like a brother to me now. He’s never settled down or had any children.

@Bunnymumy I completely agree that people who don’t want kids, shouldn’t have them. It is a valid life choice and I don’t dispute that in any way.
But am I wrong to think it might be something we can work through IF it’s based in fear of losing our relationship? Rather than what you’re talking about which is the same as my need to have kids, it’s a conviction you can’t really explain, you just know.

I think there is a difference between not wanting kids, and wanting kids but being scared of the life changes. He sounds like the former.

He is allowed to not want kids. It's perfectly fine and normal to not want kids.

It's incredibly shitty that he didn't tell you til 1y after marriage, then proceeded to string it out with vague empty promises.

Leave him.

'If it's based on the fear of losing our relationship'

So what, 'if you dont decide you want kids then we have to split' ? I don't think that's a good starting basis for any discussion do you? His convictions may be just as strong as yours not yo have kids. And there really isnt a middle ground on this one.

Unless you maybe discuss fostering with him? Perhaps adopting an older child? Are these things you would consider?

Please done make him have counselling in the hope he will change his mind. He sounds pretty clear and whilst painful, it’s beer to walk away now to give yourself the chance of the life you want.

I had to do this with my ex and it wasn’t easy but I soon met someone I fell in love with and who did want children as much as me.

If you leave it you will only end up resenting him and feeling bitter and there’s no way back from that and it’s not fair on either of you.

You're both still young and he could change his mind, but obviously if you stayed with him (and he didn't) you would have to respect that.

I didn't want children and was always very open about that. We got married at 30/34 and my husband changed his mind when he hit 40. We compromised at having one and she was born when we were 38/43.

The thing that helped me with the decision was therapy. My fear of having children was based on my own childhood (not saying that's always the case) and it sounds like the case with your DH. If he would agree to exploring the issue with a therapist that would be a great start. But in no way could you pin your hopes on him changing his mind. It all depends on how much you want children as to how you proceed. My husband would have been a bit sad but ultimately we would have remained married, children or no children.

Sorry OP but I’m with @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - he really is not a nice person. He only told you 1 year AFTER you got married that he did not want kids and then he strung you along with vague promises through 4 of your most fertile years!!!!!

You want kids and you are 30. Do NOT waste the next 5 years trying g to change his mind. Leave now, neither of you is wrong but you are not compatible as he does NOT want kids. No one can be convinced to have kids they do not want and of the women I know who ‘talked their husband around’ - they ended up miserable as those men did nothing with the DC and when asked for help responded “you wanted them, you deal with them’. Believe me when I say nothing kills your love for the ‘perfect man’ than having to raise your DC with NO support.

I've name changed for this because what I am about to say it so socially unacceptable.

I didn't want kids all my life. I was very happy with that choice. Like your husband, I loved spending time with my friend's kids. would offer to babysit etc, loved playing with children. But I thought that actually having kids looked terrible, and I was so glad that I just didn't have that maternal urge. In my late 30's I got a massive hormonal urge to have kids. I tried to ignore it for a year or two but it didn't go away.
I told my husband and he was pleased and we had kids, now primary age. I love them, I do. But, God if I could go back I would not have them. It changes everything - it changes your life, your choices, your agency. Just everything. I really miss my old life and I wish I could go back to it. I was gutted when other childless friends said they had that urge at that age too and it went away. If I had ignored it I could have just got over it and got on with life as normal. There is so much I want to do that I can't because of the sheer grind of work and kids and lack of time. It sounds like it will be even harder for your husband. He probably will love your child, but he may well not be happy with his new life.
And what if your child has a disability or additional needs? He is probably likely to cope even less with this.

It's incredibly shitty that he didn't tell you til 1y after marriage, then proceeded to string it out with vague empty promises

I agree with this. It doesn't reflect well on him. It's pretty scummy, and calculated, to not tell you until you were married.

You said he had been more and more positive about having kids over the past few years?

You need to have a very serious conversation with him about that, find out if it was genuine, if so, what has now changed? Or was he just bullshitting you to keep you happy, if so, I would be absolutely furious and yes would probably leave him.

He needs to understand that he can't keep chopping and changing. If he doesn't want them, fine. But he needs to stop stringing you along!

Why didn’t you discuss it before you got married/your relationship became serious.

With the counselling idea, it isn’t any different than him persuading you to have counselling to see why you want children in the hopes that you change your mind.

Its fair enough that he doesn't want children, each to their own but its bloody awful that he has been stringing you along for all these years. He has been saying that to keep you, very selfish and not a nice thing to do at all.

Unless you maybe discuss fostering with him? Perhaps adopting an older child? Are these things you would consider?

That is a terrible idea! Truly awful! Adopted children - especially older ones - have complex needs - and deep emotional wounds. They need absolutely dedicated, committed caring parents. To take a child who has had such an awful damaged start in life and to knowingly hand them to an adult who doesn't actually want them is pretty evil.

OP, im undecided on kids myself but feel so sad for you.
Yes, he might change his mind once a child is born and be dad of the year.
But the chances of him just becoming 'checked out' = not bonding with the child, being disinterested in any family activities, not pulling his weight with parenting/housework related to the child, not doing any research into parenting techniques or being open to communication between you on how to parent a child, resenting you for this huge life change and possibly eventually leaving you just to get away from it all is SO high... im just not certain I would want to risk it.
(I say so high as you get a lot of dads who behave like this even when they wanted kids in the first place!)
This is a really tough one and I hope you figure it out. I dont think i'd ever feel secure in my relationship if i'd had to talk him into having a baby tbh.

Great perspectives here from pp's.

I should add that I myself am the product of a marriage in which the husband "gave in" and had children for the wife. Needless to say it was not a happy marriage for them or childhood for me. This is what drove me to therapy!

If your husband does change his mind, it must be genuine and come from him.

@Bunnymumy

'If it's based on the fear of losing our relationship'

So what, 'if you dont decide you want kids then we have to split' ? I don't think that's a good starting basis for any discussion do you? His convictions may be just as strong as yours not yo have kids. And there really isnt a middle ground on this one.

Unless you maybe discuss fostering with him? Perhaps adopting an older child? Are these things you would consider?

Are you actually insane?

Everyone’s feelings are valid, it’s about being open and honest, he can’t say he will “consider it” etc if he doesn’t want kids, it’s wasting your time.
Personally I wouldn’t choose a man over the potential of having children. I see it with a member of my family, now in her 70s and widowed she sometimes says she feels she missed out for
him.