DH doesn’t want kids. I do.

[LilWren]

This is kind of a long story but I’ll try and keep it brief.
DH and I have been together since we were both 16. We got married 5 years ago, when we were 25. We’ve been through a lot of testing situations together, our relationship is strong and I’m more in love with him than ever.
There is just the one GIANT PROBLEM in that about a year after we got married he told me he didn’t want to have children. It was a pretty bad time all round, he was depressed, hated his job, we were a long way from home and family, and we had no money. After a lot of emotional conversations he said he would agree to having one baby together when we’re ready.
4 years down the line, we own our home a few miles away from both our parents, both doing well at work and comfortable financially. Over the past few years we’ve talked about it periodically and he’s seemed more and more positive about having kids.

HOWEVER. It was our 5th wedding anniversary the other week. We got to talking about the future, as you do. A few wines down the line and he says ‘I still don’t really want to have kids, I’m just doing it for you’.

Well this completely destroyed me, as you can imagine. I need a partner who will be with me every step of the way, who will be excited with me and love our baby as much as I do. If we go ahead with this, will he always feel resentful of me/our child? Will I hate him for being distant? Is it worth the risk anyway? I hear of so many fathers who were terrified but then completely fell in love with their child. Is it too much of a risk to hope this will happen?
He’s incredibly caring, loyal, hard working and a devoted husband. He is great with my cousin’s kids and they love him.
He says he just thinks having kids looks ‘terrible’ but I think there’s some family issues from his childhood that we may be able to address - his parents split when he was little and his dad has said it was because they had children (his mum had an affair and left his dad and the kids after they had his sister).

I feel stupid for thinking we were both on the same page, and selfish for not questioning it more at the time. I’m going to talk to him more about this when he’s back from a work trip next week, but if it turns out he genuinely just doesn’t want kids, rather than being afraid of the outcome, wtf do I do???

I agree with your last point btw. But I'm 35 and met DH at 19 so it is rather grating to be told you're naive in some way because you didn't have a relationship in your 20s that broke down.

Really sad situation OP, sorry to say but I don't think you can compromise on this. If he doesn't want kids he may resent them. Even men who do want kids aren't always hands on when the child is born (as I'm finding out). You need to both be on board and you need his support. You've been together 14 years so if will be so hard but you need to have a chat with him about what to do. If it's really a deal breaker for you you may have to consider leaving this relationship.

Now, bear in mind that this is only one person’s experience and NOT representative of all people who do not want children...

I’ve always wanted children. DP hasn’t been bothered either way. When I was about 28 (we’d been together since I was 21, blissfully happy) I realised that I had some hormonal issues so time was becoming tight. DP and I had a couple of tricky conversations where I basically said that I’d be having children with or without him, and he expressed a desire that any children I had be his. He is at heart a kind, loyal and loving man but not one to push himself and make his life any ‘harder’ than it already is.

We ended up with a three year infertility battle ending up in IVF. He was supportive but pretty chilled about it either working or not, more concerned about the effect on me than anything else.

Our daughter was born in November 2018 and she is the light of his life. He adores her, and she him. He thanks me regularly that for taking the path leading to her birth, and is now happy about the idea of trying for a sibling.

What I’m trying to say is that having a baby with a man who was doing it more for me may not have looked like the sensible thing to do on paper, but I suspected that his personality, his kindness and loyalty, would make him an excellent dad.

A big gamble, but it paid off for us. It helped that I would have been fine on my own - lots of family, I have money and a solid career.

Female perspective here OP. I never wanted children and made it clear to OH before we were married. After many years of marriage still felt that I wasn't bothered one way or another, leaning towards not wanting them. Had one just because husband really wanted one, although he said he would make peace with it if we didn't take the plunge. Now love DD more than anything and would like another. Can't imagine not having her.

Ah, @LilWren, I'm so sorry.

I was almost you. I narrowly escaped it, only because I have two close friends who were similar... One stayed and he agreed to have a child, but he hated the lifestyle change, spent the first year leaving and coming back, and then they split for good. He didn't think he'd like the child lifestyle, and he didn't... I feel for her, a lot.

The other chose to stay with him, they don't have kids. She spends a decent amount of time with our mutual friends who do have kids, but she seems okay with her decision. There are wobbles, especially when someone announces a pregnancy or there's a milestone that we're all celebrating, but she's confident that she's made the right decisions for her.

This is going to be hugely personal, and hugely difficult, decision. It's basically a straight choice between your husband and the family you thought you'd have. There's no easy answer there. I don't know I'd even begin to make that decision... The only real thing that everyone has tried to express, however they've dressed it up, is that you can't avoid the decision. There's no sense in trying to change his mind, or pretend this isn't happening, or give him more time. At this point, it's unlikely to change, and postponing making the decision is making a decision itself.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. All the best

My parents both had horrid childhoods and decided they didn't want kids. Thirteen years after they got married my mum changed her mind. My dad said ok (according to my mum!) and here I am. I'm an only child and my parents were older but I always felt and still feel incredibly loved by both of them. I never, ever felt like my mum or dad hadn't 150% wanted to have me. I think some people can genuinely change when baby arrives.

It's easy to be great with kids if it's your job (eg teacher) or you see your nieces and nephews for a short time and you do the fun stuff (play) and not the dull bits of parenting (cleaning their mess, wiping bums etc)

^^This.

I have spent a huge amount of time with my nieces and nephews - from newborn through to late teens. I've done playdates, tantrums, outings, embarrassing restaurant walk-outs with a rigid and screaming toddler clamped under my arm, sleepless nights helping with a colicky newborn that would not settle to try and give his parents some rest. I've been hands-on and it's been great.

I am told by my siblings that I am good with kids, and that they think I would have been a good parent. I hope that this would have been the case, if I'd had kids. But through all of this, there was one common theme: they weren't mine and I could give them back. When I was cross-eyed with tiredness and rocking a screaming baby whilst mindlessly walking around the kitchen at 3am, I knew that I didn't have to do this every night. It's so, so easy to be 'good with kids' when they aren't yours!

How will you feel if you get to the age of 50 and don't have children, not because you can't, but because your DH has said that you won't?

I always, always wanted children. DH was ambivalent, but happy to "have a go". We had years of the most horrendous infertility issues but finally had DD. She is the light of our lives, and we both adore her. There was never any guarantee that we would have children, but there is a lot of currency in having tried everything to have her. I didn't want to get to 50 and look back and think that we didn't do everything we could to be parents.

What I'm trying to say is that both DH and I were roughly on the same page when it came to having a child. You and your DH are not. I'm now over 50, and I know that if DH had simply not wanted children it would have been the end of our marriage. And I love him completely. You both need to want a child; don't get past your fertile years and regret not having tried. It's one thing in your married lives that you can't compromise on.

Just to offer a different perspective.
I do think in very many cases women are more biologically motivated to have children. Throughout history, if men wanted to have sex, children would have been the very natural result of that, with abstinence the only protection.
So all this deliberating is a very modern phenomenon and I can understand men feeling cautious now they're expected to play a much larger role in their child's life without any of the huge hormonal/sociological urge that women have to actually raise a family.
My then partner, now husband was opposed to having children at the start of our relationship, but I made it clear it was a deal breaker for me and he said he'd have just one because it meant so much to me and he wanted to be with me. I was 28 at the time.
On paper perhaps not the best start, but 14 years later we now have three sons..so he definitely warmed to the idea! Actually, in many ways as someone who'd idealised motherhood and longed for it, plus as a natural extrovert, I found the adjustment to parenthood much much harder than he did. As a roll with the punches kind of guy he took to it all and has always been the most wonderful father. And if course we ended up with three boys so he has three friends who he takes to football, cricket, fishing and who he games with. I was very ill after having our third so he did all night feeds and school runs for the older two for several months because I just wasn't capable. He's always stepped up.
Of course there have been tough times and times you think what the hell have I done! But they grow up fast and before you know it you're over the baby years and you have amazing people that you created together and who enhance your life together.
Only you know the kind of person he is and how good your relationship is. But from a very personal perspective, talking my husband into having a family worked out just fine.

@LilWren - as PP have said: this is a really painful, difficult situation for you because you are clearly very committed to your DH. I'm very sorry that he has done this because he has strung you along - probably because he feared losing you if he was honest about what he was feeling.

And having children will massively change your relationship - especially in the early years. Your baby will be your priority (and should also be his), you will be exhausted from the sleepless nights, your and his waking hours will be largely focused on looking after your baby/toddler/child/children (as PP have said: having just one child is not necessarily less work long-term) with little spare time left over for you. It puts a strain on even the strongest relationships where both parents were keen to become parents. Now, I would say it is most definitely worth it - we have two DCs and they have enriched our lives beyond all imagining. Plus they're adolescents now so we have started to get a lot of time back! But if he doesn't want children because he's worried that it will change your relationship - well, he's right about that.

PP who are suggesting you need to find another partner aren't doing it because they imagine swapping partners is like swapping dresses. They're doing it because they know that if your desire for children is very powerful (as it is for many of us - it's a primal urge) and you give that dream up for him, there will almost certainly come a time when you bitterly resent him for it.

Another important factor is this. Most men can comfortably father children well into their 40s and 50s. For most women, their fertility window will close at least a decade earlier than their male partner's and quite possibly longer before than that. Most of us older MN posters have known women who have sacrificed the opportunity to have children because their male partner didn't want children, only to have their partner leave them later in life, when their own fertility window had closed, and start a family with a younger woman.

In the end, that's the main point - your DH could change his mind 15-20 years from now and still comfortably father a child. The situation is different for you.

I'd leave OP, for all the reasons others have said. My DP has one child with a previous partner. He didn't really want children but they had one because she wanted children desperately. He hasn't said so explicitly but I'm pretty sure that parenting together just showed the cracks in their relationship. They split when the child was a toddler.

The stupid thing is, as it's turned out, his ex can't cope as a mother and courts gave him custody. He doesn't regret the decision and loves his DC very much. But having children will test the strongest relationship and honestly, if you two disagree over this and he's strung you along, I wouldn't gamble on your relationship lasting if you have children together. Sorry.

In the end, that's the main point - your DH could change his mind 15-20 years from now and still comfortably father a child. The situation is different for you.

Absolutely 💯% correct.

If you want a child so much then it's ultimatum time, leave all contraception to him - make sure he knows this. Tell him you want a child - preferably with him but if he isn't willing then you will go elsewhere for what is required.

Once he's holding it its a 95% chance he'll be saying thank you.

My first husband told me he did not want children before we were married. I definitely did want children and would have ended the relationship but he said he knew I would be a great mum and agreed to have one baby. I was naive, he always loved playing with other people's children at bbq's etc. and I thought he would love his own child. Four years after marriage I fell pregnant (infertility issues) and he totally changed personality. He was not supportive of my pregnancy, birth or with our baby. He was awful. We split up and he is a useless father to our now teen. More than that he is sociopathic to their needs/feelings. He should not have had children. He only played with other people's children to get attention and be seen as the cute guy running around playing with children. Turns out he is completely narcissistic. I adore our child and therefore wouldn't change a thing. I've since had another baby and the difference in having a genuinely interested father who loves your child as much as you do is phenomenal. Interestingly my now husband only wanted children after he hit 40. He regrets only leaving time to have one child. I have a relative who waited years for her husband to want children and left it too late. She has no eggs left. They don't (well he doesn't) want egg donation or adoption. She is devastated. You are 30. If you make very clear choices you can control your life path. This post is a great start and I wish you luck. Personally I wouldn't change having my children for anyone.

So basically he wants you but doesn't want kids. It sounds to me like he's almost dangling a carrot in front of you and thereby stringing you along until you are too old to have kids. If you give up your dream to have children you could very well end up really resenting him. It's a tough decision but only one that you can make.

I would feel misled, betrayed and could never trust him again. OP you want kids, leave him and start afresh. Your husband may get the shock of his life and realise, or nothing will change.

Kids are a blessing and you deserve to start a family.

I think it's really shitty of him to go back on this after you are married and have invested all those years in the relationship.

You're at an age where you really need to start making proper decisions about whether or not you are going to have children. Your husband doesn't want them and I really wouldn't waste any time trying to change his mind. Children are bloody hard work, which is fine if you want them because it's all worth it, but I'm sure it would awful and fill you with resentment if you never really wanted them.

I think you only have two choices here OP - leave your husband and have children with someone enthusiastic, or stay with your husband and accept that you probably will never have children. Personally I would be leaning towards the first option, since the second option will probably end up with you feeling bitter and resentful towards your husband and that is no way to live.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is, who is taking care of contraception? Does he expect you to be solely responsible for this (I'd probably start to resent that)? What would he want to do if there was an accident? Obviously don't feel like you have to answer here, just something to think about.
What is he like in general? Does he have strong opinions? My dh tends to over think deeply then be pretty darn immovable in his opinions - he would not be happy if he felt manipulated. I've known men who are more flexible and happy to be talked around - I've seen this kind of guy be happy once the kids are here.
I also agree with the previous poster, that if he is genuinely saying he'll have a child because he loves you and cares about what is important to you (and he's a decent guy who doesn't hold things over your head), then yeah, I'd probably take him at his word.
Fertility is never a guarantee and you might not have years left to figure it out or meet someone else. At 30 I'd want some clear decision and sooner rather than later.

I would listen to what he is saying, and not assume that he will magically be happy once a baby is here.

So his mum left them when he was a kid and his dad said it was because of having children? Maybe he's scared of that, if that is what he has grown up learning - that kids are bad for relationships.

I would take the gamble and have a child with him. Many fathers end up being crap fathers and everyone takes a gamble when having a child, even if it isn't voiced or people aren't aware. People go onto have children with men who have already proven themselves to be a bad father.

The fact is that you love each other and have a wonderful relationship. You have moved close to your families so hopefully they will help with a child and you can make sure that your relationship doesn't suffer. And plenty of people who find themselves becoming parents despite not planning to can't imagine life without their children and are great parents.

I would rather gamble that the love of my life who I've been with for 14 years and who I have a great relationship with, will fall in love with his child and be super happy about it than walk away.

Be careful OP. I was in a relationship and then marriage from 20 through to late 20s. We were brilliant together and had such a happy time. We always said we weren’t fussed about kids. After we got married in late 20s I did start wondering in about having them, but he was firm that he did not.

He had an affair with someone from work, I discovered it from reading text messages in which he told this (older woman in her 30s, she was desperate for kids and her current DP didn’t want them) they’d be together and have children, a lovely little family.

Of course that was just words and who knew the reality, but it just goes to show you can have an amazing relationship with someone, and always think “he would never do that” - but he might, and might suddenly have kids with this other woman when it’s too late for you.

If you can’t resolve it, do not hang on and wait in hope! I did this for 10 years, had to break my heart to leave him to have kids. I am now just starting to ttc at 38, in a LTR with someone lovely who wants kids. It is not impossible to conceive at this age but it will be harder in all ways and I really wish i had started earlier! However much you love DH, if you don’t want the same future, you are not compatible. Sorry, it is hugely painful I know

Btw, our relationship was great too, he was a great guy and we loved each other very much then but this issue and my desire to have kids forced my hand. You cannot change someone’s mind unless they are open/willing (I tried, believe me).