DH doesn’t want kids. I do.

[LilWren]

This is kind of a long story but I’ll try and keep it brief.
DH and I have been together since we were both 16. We got married 5 years ago, when we were 25. We’ve been through a lot of testing situations together, our relationship is strong and I’m more in love with him than ever.
There is just the one GIANT PROBLEM in that about a year after we got married he told me he didn’t want to have children. It was a pretty bad time all round, he was depressed, hated his job, we were a long way from home and family, and we had no money. After a lot of emotional conversations he said he would agree to having one baby together when we’re ready.
4 years down the line, we own our home a few miles away from both our parents, both doing well at work and comfortable financially. Over the past few years we’ve talked about it periodically and he’s seemed more and more positive about having kids.

HOWEVER. It was our 5th wedding anniversary the other week. We got to talking about the future, as you do. A few wines down the line and he says ‘I still don’t really want to have kids, I’m just doing it for you’.

Well this completely destroyed me, as you can imagine. I need a partner who will be with me every step of the way, who will be excited with me and love our baby as much as I do. If we go ahead with this, will he always feel resentful of me/our child? Will I hate him for being distant? Is it worth the risk anyway? I hear of so many fathers who were terrified but then completely fell in love with their child. Is it too much of a risk to hope this will happen?
He’s incredibly caring, loyal, hard working and a devoted husband. He is great with my cousin’s kids and they love him.
He says he just thinks having kids looks ‘terrible’ but I think there’s some family issues from his childhood that we may be able to address - his parents split when he was little and his dad has said it was because they had children (his mum had an affair and left his dad and the kids after they had his sister).

I feel stupid for thinking we were both on the same page, and selfish for not questioning it more at the time. I’m going to talk to him more about this when he’s back from a work trip next week, but if it turns out he genuinely just doesn’t want kids, rather than being afraid of the outcome, wtf do I do???

Them should have said her as I only have one.

Oh, OP :(

You can't have children with someone who doesn't want children. Certainly not with someone who agrees to have one to keep you.

[quote LilWren]@Bunnymumy I completely agree that people who don’t want kids, shouldn’t have them. It is a valid life choice and I don’t dispute that in any way.
But am I wrong to think it might be something we can work through IF it’s based in fear of losing our relationship? Rather than what you’re talking about which is the same as my need to have kids, it’s a conviction you can’t really explain, you just know.[/quote]
Ignore everything from “But” onwards, that’s just you trying to justify your feelings.

He should have told you earlier that he didn’t want children. I assume you had this conversation and entered marriage with both of you wanting them and he changed his mind?

Bringing a child into a situation where they’re not wanted by 50% of their caregivers isn’t fair.

Honestly, you’re 29 so young enough to start over if you do decide you have to have children and need to find someone else. That’s a choice you’ll have to make.

However, and I’m not saying this to be unkind, I’ve seen situations like this before where the woman walks away, and 6 months later the man is engaged to someone else with a baby on the way.
It happens. Be prepared.

He's said he will have a child if it's what you want. I'd take him up on that and have a child. I'm sure he will love it as much as you

😱 Please don’t follow this advice.

I think a big part of the issue OP is that the two of you met so young and married quite young too. I didn't want kids when I was 16, was ambivalent at 25 and by 30 I knew I at least wanted to try and having talked to many friends over the years almost everyone changed their minds about it at least once. I know people who vehemently didn't want them, then changed their minds, vehemently didn't want them and got pregnant by accident and it turned out fine, and really wanted them, but have found the relentless reality of parenting really hard. Having DC, whether you want them or not, can break relationships. There are no guarantees. I have a good friend who desperately wanted kids, DH agreed to one, they had one and she 'Oops' got pregnant again. He's a good dad and loves his kids, but give him a few beers and he'll still tell you he'd rather have remained child-free.

So go ahead and have counselling if you can't bear to end the relationship over this issue without trying, but bear in mind that if he didn't want kids at 25 and he still doesn't want them at 30 then quite simply he may well not want kids - and that may well not change however much he talks about it. In fact, it may solidify in his mind exactly why he doesn't them. And if that is the case then I suggest you find someone else who does want them, rather than forcing him to have one just to keep you happy.

I’m always baffled by this topic. How can this discussion not come up at least once a year?.

I don’t think he has strung you along OP he told you early on. There’s some tough opinions on here.... only you knows your husband what is he like with other people’s children? Is he an only child himself. Why doesn’t your husband want children?

It’s a tough one... If he doesn’t want kids it probably won’t work.

OP, imagine you had a child and then something happened to you and your H was left to raise this child he had never really wanted and had only agreed to the existence of to keep you. Do you think that child would grow up feeling well loved, safe, secure, wanted, important?

Or even without the slightly dramatic "what if you died" scenario- do you really think your child won't notice that their father doesn't really want them?

This is a discussion you both should have had before getting married. Now you've waited 5 years on the man. If you want children but he doesn't then you need to leave - if it were me I'd wake up at 50 once having kids was a biological impossibility and realise the good looking man kind loving man I married is now old, probably fatter, receding hair, certainly grumpier and hate with a loathing passion that I gave up on my dreams to be stuck with that in retirement

I ended a relationship because of this. Ok we weren't married but still. I was 36 at the time so time wasn't on my side.

So sorry OP. It looks like he has settled into a lovely marriage with you and doesn't want the disruption that children bring. They truly will turn your life upside down. I think he is happy pottering along with you by his side and a very nice uninterrupted life. children are expensive, time consuming and will change your relationship dynamic. He may be feeling all these feelings and has chosen that life with a child is not for him. He is happy to be married to you and that's that. Sadly, he came to that conclusion at the time in your life you need to start looking to producing a family. Has he got close friends or relatives with children and is looking in on it with horror? Has he got male friends with kids that he chats to and maybe listens to how it really is being a father raising children? This, with his family past history tells me he really doesn't want children and it would be a mistake to have one believe me. Find someone who does want one and don't do the "oh, look, I am pregnant, how did that happen?" with your husband...it will be a disaster. I hope you find your answer soon x

Unfortunately this isn't a situation where there is no compromise. It sounds like you will have to choose him or a child. Counselling won't help - he sounds very certain.

• Unfortunately this is a situation where there is no compromise. It sounds like you will have to choose him or a child. Counselling won't help - he sounds very certain.

If I understand OP correctly, he is willing to have them, but is doing it for her?

Not sure how helpful this is, but I only agreed to have DC1 because DH really really wanted kids. I was fairly indifferent after years of not wanting any. I only had DC2 because I felt that DC1 needed a sibling.

I adore both of my children and don't regret having them for a minute. However, I won't lie - I have really struggled with the impact and have at times felt like I've had to grieve for the life I've had before. But I went into it eyes wide open - I wasn't DESPERATE for children, but I knew what I was getting into and was confident that I'd love them and enjoy them. Which I have.

I know couples where one partner was the driving force and the other probably wouldn't have bothered unless they wanted one, but that's not the case here- he seems pretty adamant. The one I know where it was a second (or third) relationship where they agreed on one child only has worked extremely well, they have one very lovely co-operative single child and enjoy a good lifestyle which isn't as kids oriented as larger families (but if the child had had disabilities, been trickier or they had got accidentally pregnant, it would have all been different).

I have also known dads say they wished they didn't go down the children route when they have had them, but mainly in the first ten years of craziness of little kids, lots of them. I don't think they would say that now.

Anyway, this is all fairly irrelevant as he sound set on the fact he doesn't want children, which is absolutely ridiculous to tell you aged 30. I think you don't have many options here, you can't wait for him to change his mind (it's not changing) and the more time you wait about hoping he'll change it the more you are wasting your own fertile years.

If you can't live without him, then you will have to not have children.

My husband married me, desperately wanting children, but knowing that due to fertility problems we might not be able to have them, and agreed if no children came, then we would still want to be together and marry,

You really do have a stark choice- if you can't face life without him and he's your everything, I would discuss it one more time and then put the idea to bed and enjoy the life you have. If you want to have children, then it won't be with him and I'd be very sad but have to move on as you can't make this decision in 5-10 years time and even worse, if you split then, he may have children with someone else, because someone else may just ignore the fact he doesn't want children and plough on anyway or he may feel differently about a new relationship- it happens.

OP, if you are torn on what to do, then I suggest you put a 12 month deadline on this.

Go to counselling about this and thrash the subject of kids out between you. If by August of next year he's not willing to start TTC, then leave. D not be fobbed off by promises of "in another year or two".

I'm afraid your desire to have dc doesn't override his desire not to. You can't just send someone to counciling if they don't agree with you. He sounds quite sure he doesn't want them. Your decision now is to decide if you want to remain with him, without children, or leave and start a family either with another person or on your own.

I hate to say this but having kids is utterly back breaking....and the man has to be in favour of it...because he will have to come second for a while. If he wanted the baby he SHOULD be able to cope. If he didn't, he will resent you and let you down when you need him the most. Not sure what to suggest here. I would support my daughters a million per cent if they want kids, or if they didn't. But I would really warn them off trying to persuade the guy (or if a guy tried to pressurise them) as I have seen a lot of misery. I also have several female friends who missed out on kids as their partners said no. They are really miserable about it.

Maybe it's a relationship dealbreaker :(

Yes I agree. But it must feel very difficult making such a big life changing decision when your partner doesn't want to.

Be honest now, surely you never thought deep down he was on board with having kids. He's been honest with you he doesn't want them. He's had plenty of time to think about it and he doesn't want them. Time for you to decide if you want him or children.

I'm so sorry OP. I've been where you are. I actually got pregnant though, found out he was having an affair and then miscarried. I left him straight away, married again and had two beautiful sons. That marriage didn't last either but my gorgeous boys were worth it!

I'd say leave him, this is too important to you to sacrifice. You're only young, you have plenty of time.

What type of wedding did you have, op? Was a Catholic by any chance?

I honestly think you need the serious conversation now. You've already hit 30. If he truly doesn't want children, you need to divorce.

I think he has been totally selfish and shady stringing you along. I wouldnt trust him as a father anyway now.

It is a risk to have a child with someone who doesn't want to, but is going along with it just for you. I decided that if he left once pregnant I'd be prepared to go it alone. He didn't leave, but he was the exact rubbish distant dad that he thought he'd be, so they don't magically develop a paternal instinct once a DC born. We split, but it was more complex than just having a child and would most likely have split up had DS not existed.
A few years down the line, he was much warmer and supportive of him, although from a distance, so in general I'd say he was most poor at the baby phase. Had issues with his childhood , so a likely cause of it all, and the drinking, he's died since.
Life has been hard, perpetually skint, not had a holiday abroad in 4years - my DS likes to remind me of this. My DS is so lovely, intelligent and has a maturity about him, I'm proud of the man he's becoming, he's got a good strong work ethic too - seen me work full time throughout his life, so I think that's rubbed off on him well. I'm glad I'm a mother, but I wish I'd done it with a different person, however, would not change my DS for the world.

Leave, it is not fair to have a child that is not wanted, I suspect he doesn't want kids 100% but relents on that point because you become upset and emotional when it's discussed so for an easier life he gives you a glimmer of hope, so leave, leave now find someone who wants kids or stay and give up the idea of a family, but I think that will lead to resentment and bitterness.

I don't have kids by choice and my husband never wanted them, we both are great with friends and family's children but having them myself leaves me cold, but as someone else said you do a wobble round late 30's but for me it was a very temporary thing and soon put to rest, but take him at his word, he doesn't want kids.

Absolutely do not have a child with this man if he's only going along with it for you.I grew up with a father who didn't want kids.It was a shit childhood lacking any physical or emotional affection from my father.My mum received no support from him whilst raising myself and my siblings.Don't do it to yourself or a child.

If you want kids,have them with someone who wants them too

Let's face it, Op, he's got everything he wants. You've been together for half your lives, presumably no one else was ever on the scene,and he's used to the way things are. Why would he want anything to change?

Sounds like he can only imagine carrying on like this.

If you can't see a way forward for both of you then splitting up is the only answer for you so that you can fulfil your need to have children.