DH doesn’t want kids. I do.

[LilWren]

This is kind of a long story but I’ll try and keep it brief.
DH and I have been together since we were both 16. We got married 5 years ago, when we were 25. We’ve been through a lot of testing situations together, our relationship is strong and I’m more in love with him than ever.
There is just the one GIANT PROBLEM in that about a year after we got married he told me he didn’t want to have children. It was a pretty bad time all round, he was depressed, hated his job, we were a long way from home and family, and we had no money. After a lot of emotional conversations he said he would agree to having one baby together when we’re ready.
4 years down the line, we own our home a few miles away from both our parents, both doing well at work and comfortable financially. Over the past few years we’ve talked about it periodically and he’s seemed more and more positive about having kids.

HOWEVER. It was our 5th wedding anniversary the other week. We got to talking about the future, as you do. A few wines down the line and he says ‘I still don’t really want to have kids, I’m just doing it for you’.

Well this completely destroyed me, as you can imagine. I need a partner who will be with me every step of the way, who will be excited with me and love our baby as much as I do. If we go ahead with this, will he always feel resentful of me/our child? Will I hate him for being distant? Is it worth the risk anyway? I hear of so many fathers who were terrified but then completely fell in love with their child. Is it too much of a risk to hope this will happen?
He’s incredibly caring, loyal, hard working and a devoted husband. He is great with my cousin’s kids and they love him.
He says he just thinks having kids looks ‘terrible’ but I think there’s some family issues from his childhood that we may be able to address - his parents split when he was little and his dad has said it was because they had children (his mum had an affair and left his dad and the kids after they had his sister).

I feel stupid for thinking we were both on the same page, and selfish for not questioning it more at the time. I’m going to talk to him more about this when he’s back from a work trip next week, but if it turns out he genuinely just doesn’t want kids, rather than being afraid of the outcome, wtf do I do???

Completely unfair on a child to proceed having them knowing it’s for your own wants and the other is only doing it to either please you or keep the relationship.

If he’s not enough for you alone then leave so that he can find someone who wants him just for him and you can have a child with someone else.

I'm the typical cliched scenario - my exH dicked around as to whether to have kids (it was never the "right" time). Got his new girlfriend pregnant within a few months of me leaving him, they have two DCs now whilst I have none and zero chance of any. Luckily for me my desire for children was never terribly strong so I just feel a little sad about it sometimes but nothing too painful. In your situation though I would think the pain would be horrendous.

Very tough situation. I've seen this go both ways when couples have pushed ahead and had a baby. The positive (best case scenario) was that the dad did come round when the baby was born and essentially had a 180 change of heart about the whole thing. So everything was great.

Negative (worst case scenario) was that the dad didn't come round, refused to help or get involved (lots of 'you wanted this, not me' comments) and basically continued to live his life like he didn't have a baby which actually caused huge resentment on the wife's side as she was left literally holding the baby. They somehow stayed tighter but things were rocky until the child got quite a lot older (10 years+) and then the dad got a bit more involved as the child was getting pretty independent.

I think it really can depend on the reasons someone doesn't want a baby. Not sure about what advice I'd give, other than to say if you really want a baby, to start thinking about you and yourself. Does have a baby mean more to you than being married to your dh? If yes, I think you have to then consider ending things and finding someone who shares your life goals. If the answer is 'no' or you're on the fence, then perhaps some counselling would help give you some clarity / closure? Such a tough situation.

I think most men don't want children, unless I'm the only woman to encounter this, if we had to wait until they did surely there would be less of a human race. They just don't have the same desire to become pregnant and nurture a child in the same way as we do. If you get to the point where you seriously want to split over it, I don't think it would happen, he's not be adamant it's not happening.

@MyCatHatesEverybody
that's awful, I think the gf just got herself pregnant, he wouldn't of planned it within a few months

I wouldn't have a child with someone who explicitly said they didn't want one. He's being honest. Listen to him. Don't guilt him into it. You'll only end up having to do it alone.

Maybe having a baby for a partner is more common than we women think considering how easily men can leave their children and not worry about them being ok and pay nothing towards them? (I know that women leave too but the parent doing the abandoning is overwhelmingly Male)

I think that you need to decide whether baby trumps marriage and he needs to tell you the truth - was he knowingly stringing you on , hoping that you would change your mind or hoping that he'd develop a desire for kids? Men can have children for decades after women can so I think it's not uncommon to end up having kids later but you have a biological deadline which you're not unreasonable to put your foot down on.

Counselling sounds like an attempt to talk him into having a baby. Some people don't want them and that decision is just as acceptable as wanting a baby.

Don't take him up on the offer to have a baby if you're not wanting to sign up for him being an aloof Dad who does 0.1% of the work while you run ragged doing the rest because of the guilt of "forcing" him into parenthood.

There are men who want children and will make good Dads. This man is not that

I think people are very quick to say on here that a man who states that he will have a child for her and then realises he doesn’t want one is obviously stringing her along.

I think it’s more a case of that,at 26, he didn’t feel the urge to have children, but agreed that they would have one if that was what she wanted. As time goes by the realisation of what that actualy means hits home and he has to be honest and say that actually no, he doesn’t want children. I actually think that that is far better than him just going along and agreeing to what the OP wanted. And at 26, how many of us could seriously say that we knew exactly what we wanted?

Equally, why did you not discuss this before you got married. Children are such a fundamental part of a relationship that if one or the other is likely to be a dealbreaker then it needs to be discussed before the relationship becomes too involved.

I’m also a bit at this idea of breaking up an otherwise happy marriage purely because of something which might never actually happen.

Even if you met someone else, there is no knowing whether A, you could even have children or whether he could, B, whether he would be an involved father, C, whether you could end up having children and regretting it yourself.

I actually think that if you get to a point of wanting to leave someone when you say you still love them, that actually, you probably don’t and should leave anyway.

You fundamentally want different things from life. Unfortunately there isn't a magic fix for this. One of you will be resentful either way.

What do YOU want. If it's him with no kids then stay. If you want to meet someone new and start a family with someone who wants children then go.

If you stay you will end up resenting him
If you go you may be happier

@AlternativePerspective
This comment resonates the most with my perception of the situation, to be honest.

To answer your query, we did discuss it before we were married. I wanted to be certain that we had the same goals, as we’d been together for such a long time and we’d both changed a lot (as you do between 16 and 25). But, as you said, 25 is still young.

Everyone saying ‘just leave and find some other guy’ is not really getting it. I don’t WANT some other guy, this is a good man and I’ve seen how other relationships are, I’ve seen my friends let down time and time again. We have both worked for this relationship and it’s not something I can just ...drop? Like it’s a dress that doesn’t fit? I want our life together. This is what I chose.

And to that person asking if we’re Catholic, kindly f*ck off. I make my own decisions, I am not religious. To stay with this person despite the risks of getting together so young and changing along the way was MY decision. I’m just trying to deal with this as best I can and I don’t want to lose the man I love, who loves me, if there’s anything I can do to stop it.

And to those discussing adoption, this is an entirely different issue and only something I would consider down the line if we BOTH decided we wanted to. As many of you said, older children who are in the system are likely to be vulnerable and have extra needs. This is not something to be played with.

I’m also a bit hmm at this idea of breaking up an otherwise happy marriage purely because of something which might never actually happen completely disagree- to forgo having children to keep a man puts as much pressure on a marriage as having a baby to please the woman. What if OP stays, and at 40 her husband has an affair and leaves?!

I am the product of a relationship/marriage where the man didn't want children. My mother 'oopsed' my father, and she was Catholic so abortion was not a option. They got married as in the late 60s that was what happened if you got a girl 'into trouble'. My father put up with being a father for 10 years and then dropped all pretence of being interested.

Knowing your own father didn't want you to exist is horrible. Feeling the resentment of someone forced into a life choice they really didn't want is also horrible.

As a result I've not had children of my own. I always made sure that I only had relationships with men who also didn't want children. If you want them, you need to either find a man who does or prepare to end up a single parent.

I can't comment on most men but I know this is true for my husband. Now we have 2 kids already but I'd love a 3rd but there's no way he's movable on it. I have an awful longing for another one for the last 6 months that's getting stronger but having discussed it with him he explained to me that he does not and has never had any real desire for kids. Now he loves our two and is a great father but never experienced ant broodiness!

My husband always said that he didn't want children. I did and I pestered him about it for years until he eventually agreed. He is now the happiest man alive and would fill the house with children if I weren't a bit too old. The problem was he couldn't see the positives of parenthood, only the negatives. He imagined the hard work, the responsibility, the restrictions it brings etc. But he couldn't image the love he would feel and the joy he'd get from getting that love back. He didn't really get wanting to be a parent until he was one.

I remember reading that it's more common these days for women not to want children these days than men. I dunno if it was the results of a study or what but it sticks in mind because I was dating at the time and looking for a man who didnt want children and remember thinking 'oh shit'.

You'd think it would be the other way about but as pp said, i think a lot of guys just go along with it without much thought. Where as women have to think about the biological complications and also know they are more likely to end up the primary care giver. So there probably are more men that would have kids right enough. Not to say that they should.

Look at him when he is around babies/children. You can tell a lot just by observing. Some people think that they are not sure, but are absolutely gaga when the child arrives. On the other hand, if someone says they definitely do not want children, you should listen and do not play with your/your future children lives, and just make a decision to live without children or leave the marriage.

I am going to disagree with the majority. Your DHs choice to be child free is totally valid. However if he decides that he wants to give up being CF for OP, that's also a valid choice.

So if he says that ideally he wouldn't have children, but he is also OK with having one, I'd take him at his word.

He's not the first person to be on the fence about this. Many people are and often decide to go with what their DP wants, or "just see what happens".

Will he enjoy being a dad and do his share of the work? Impossible to know, and this would also be true if he was desperate for children.

[quote seensome]@MyCatHatesEverybody
that's awful, I think the gf just got herself pregnant, he wouldn't of planned it within a few months [/quote]
Well that’s a medical miracle if ever I heard one!

Also, not to be an argumentative sob but just to point out that if you really want a baby of your own flesh and blood to raise and mother (which is perfectly understandable) then of course adoption isn't relevant. But if you want to raise children with the man that you love then adoption is not a 'entirely different issue' at all. Family is what you make.

And if in ten years time, you had stayed only to find he still didnt want kids of his own, you may want to know if he is willing to add to the family in other ways.

Anyway I wont bang on about it as it isnt relevant to you atm. Just that theres no harm in getting the fine details from him on things like that, incase it's a game changer down the line somewhere.

@Bunnymumy yeah sorry I meant more that there are some different challenges to consider. At this point it’s not something I’ve seriously considered, or spoken to him about, but I personally wouldn’t rule it out in future.

My dad only had kids to keep my mum happy. He reminds me of this every few years. He never has shown any interest in my life and doesn’t interact with his grandkids. It made for an unpleasant childhood. Please do not have a child with this man.

Tough one OP. From my rudimentary mathematics are you about 30 now? You probably have another year or so before you need to really decide whether you can live without a child, or have a child with a potentially uninterested/reluctant co-parent, or to leave him. I get that you don't want to leave him.

As pp said, you really need to go to counselling together to hash it out in a neutral space. I would go with low expectations for him actually wanting a child. Sorry OP, it must be hugely frustrating. I had similar, but he didn't want to do anything 'adult' - dragged his heels getting married, buying a house, children everything. I think he thought with regards to children that I would eventually just 'stop' wanting one as I got older - when I'd raise it he would say as much 'oh I didn't think you still wanted to do that, don't you like our life?' etc etc.

Had to leave him the end, there was not counselling so it was very messy. Wishing you the best OP, whatever happens.

He wasted your time for 5 years minimum.
He said one year after wedding he doesn’t want kids but maybe in four year he would have them and now he says NO again.
He is not nice at all,