DH doesn’t want kids. I do.

[LilWren]

This is kind of a long story but I’ll try and keep it brief.
DH and I have been together since we were both 16. We got married 5 years ago, when we were 25. We’ve been through a lot of testing situations together, our relationship is strong and I’m more in love with him than ever.
There is just the one GIANT PROBLEM in that about a year after we got married he told me he didn’t want to have children. It was a pretty bad time all round, he was depressed, hated his job, we were a long way from home and family, and we had no money. After a lot of emotional conversations he said he would agree to having one baby together when we’re ready.
4 years down the line, we own our home a few miles away from both our parents, both doing well at work and comfortable financially. Over the past few years we’ve talked about it periodically and he’s seemed more and more positive about having kids.

HOWEVER. It was our 5th wedding anniversary the other week. We got to talking about the future, as you do. A few wines down the line and he says ‘I still don’t really want to have kids, I’m just doing it for you’.

Well this completely destroyed me, as you can imagine. I need a partner who will be with me every step of the way, who will be excited with me and love our baby as much as I do. If we go ahead with this, will he always feel resentful of me/our child? Will I hate him for being distant? Is it worth the risk anyway? I hear of so many fathers who were terrified but then completely fell in love with their child. Is it too much of a risk to hope this will happen?
He’s incredibly caring, loyal, hard working and a devoted husband. He is great with my cousin’s kids and they love him.
He says he just thinks having kids looks ‘terrible’ but I think there’s some family issues from his childhood that we may be able to address - his parents split when he was little and his dad has said it was because they had children (his mum had an affair and left his dad and the kids after they had his sister).

I feel stupid for thinking we were both on the same page, and selfish for not questioning it more at the time. I’m going to talk to him more about this when he’s back from a work trip next week, but if it turns out he genuinely just doesn’t want kids, rather than being afraid of the outcome, wtf do I do???

You are perfectly entitled to want children.

He is perfectly entitled to not want children.

Agree it was shitty for him to not bring this up before you got married, but rather now than when you potentially have a child he doesn't want.

You have to decide what you want more - a child or your husband.

but if it turns out he genuinely just doesn’t want kids, rather than being afraid of the outcome, wtf do I do???

I know it’s easy for a stranger on the Internet to say, but leave and find someone else who will share your dream of a family. Your husband hasn’t been honest with you here.

But we dont know that he wouldn't want older kids. A lot of people just dont want the running around the house screaming stage. Where as adopting a older child may be something they would consider. I would, I just dont want my own biologically but would consider fostering or adopting older kids one day, if I has the right set up home wise and financially. Maybe he would to. Of course it is a fair point that they may have complex needs to consider.

Don’t try change his mind . Having kids can put a strain on even the best relationships were both parents really really want dc .

Imagine how much he could end up resenting you when his life is turned upside down with a baby he didn’t really want , them youl probably end up splitting anyway. Sorry to be so blunt but that could be the reality .

He’s a selfish prick for stringing you along and wasting some of your fertile years however you still have plenty of time to meet someone else who wants the same as you .

You have three choices as I see it.

1. Stay together and don't have children
2. Stay together and have a baby on the understanding that he's only doing it for you.
3. End your marriage and find someone who wants the same as you.

If you go for number 3, I'd say leave sooner rather than later whilst time is on your side.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a lot to think about and will certainly be bringing up why he apparently has been stringing me along, as some of you said.

As for discussing it before we got married - we did. I explicitly told him I wanted to start trying for a family by a certain age, and he agreed. He had never NEVER mentioned not wanting kids before that time I told you about. If he had, we almost certainly would not have got married, and if we did at least I would have gone into it with the knowledge that we would not be having children.

OP, had you actually discussed kids before marriage? Because if no one had the conversation, you’re equally to blame for sleepwalking into the situation. If he had said he did want kids and then changed his mind a year in then yes he’s definitely very scummy.
Regardless, having a baby with someone who needs to be dragged kicking and screaming to it is a terrible idea. And will you be happy with one? Would you then want a sibling and you’re having the argument again? He’s entitled to not want kids but really, if I were you, I’d be cutting my losses now if kids were my ultimate priority.

I’ve recently been in a similar situation (although not married or together as long as you have been). I wanted kids he didn’t. In the end we split. In my opinion, despite how much I loved him, I didn’t want to risk either of us resenting the other further down the line if we ended up having kids/not having kids. If it’s something you feel strongly about its not really something either of you should compromise on.

It’s a really shitty situation though OP, I feel you

@sayingtheunspeakable People think adoption is so simple and easy, bit it really isn't!

He's said he will have a child if it's what you want. I'd take him up on that and have a child. I'm sure he will love it as much as you. Many people are terrified of having children and ruining their perfect 'couples' life, but when they have a child are also very happy.

The alternative is to leave him. There is no other alternative. Being childless when you want children builds terrible resentment and poisons a marriage. It only gets worse and by the time you realise this, it's too late to have children. You're not ok with it and never will be.

If you have a child and the relationship breaks down, you have to be prepared for this. You will however have a child to love.

Yeah, don’t do what a PP said and suggest fostering or adoption. Terrible idea! Children in care are so deeply wounded. They need loving, dedicated and strong patients who can love them enough to help them heal. They are not an experiment....

I walked away from my DP at the same age you are now, after 7 years together. I wanted kids, he did not. We were no contact for over 2 years.

We bumped into each other at a wedding in 2017, things went from there.... and our daughter was born 2018 and he is a fantastic dad. If I hadn't cut him loose, he might never have had the opportunity to grow up and realise that he really did want kids after all.

My story is quite unusual I think, but plenty of people do change their minds. I guess what I am saying is that you have nothing to lose by saying "sorry this is a dealbreaker for me, I am out".

@puzzledpiece

He's said he will have a child if it's what you want. I'd take him up on that and have a child. I'm sure he will love it as much as you. Many people are terrified of having children and ruining their perfect 'couples' life, but when they have a child are also very happy.

The alternative is to leave him. There is no other alternative. Being childless when you want children builds terrible resentment and poisons a marriage. It only gets worse and by the time you realise this, it's too late to have children. You're not ok with it and never will be.

If you have a child and the relationship breaks down, you have to be prepared for this. You will however have a child to love.

I couldn't disagree more. Why take a risk that the child won't be loved by BOTH parents? Why make this man do something he has said (albeit too late) he doesn't want to do?

It's not fair on OP, her husband, or the child.

Divorce.

Having children is one of the fundamentals that you cannot compromise on, because there is no middle ground.

He's been open from the start about his reluctance to have children. I suspect has only agreed to it in theory, on the basis that he hoped you'd forget about it and that he'd never have to be held to account on his decision.

Your fertility is finite.

You told him when you married at 25 that you wanted children.
You're now 30 and telling him you want children.
How much longer do you want to waste?

Let's say you go through counselling. It takes a year or so. At the end of it, he might agree to try for a child, but "not yet". Some more years tick by and you're 35 and starting to worry about how much fertile time you've got left. You confront him, he says he's changed his mind and doesn't want kids. You're devastated and eventually decide to leave - he's upset and promises that he'll think about it.

Another couple of years drift by and still no baby. You eventually leave when you are 38. There is still time for you to have a child but you have dramatically decreased your window of opportunity, because you allowed this guy to waste your fertile years.

If it's anything like the scenarios I've seen - he'll meet someone in his very late 30s or early 40s and pop out a few kids. Meanwhile both women who were in this situation are still childless, and understandably bitter.

Disclaimer - I'm childfree by choice, so I am very supportive of someone who doesn't want to have children. But I have zero time for selfish people - of both sexes - who string their partners along with empty promises knowing that they won't change their minds.

Stupidest response I've ever seen on here

My husband doesn't want kids

Have you considered adoption?

I mean... seriously!

He has led you right up the garden path! Would you have married this man if he had been honest before the wedding and stated that he never wanted kids?
I would feel sick at the deception to be honest.

It's a massive risk to have a child together in the hope it will change his mind and he will love it.

Both DH and I found the early months raising our DC pretty bloody difficult. It does change your life completely.
It's highly likely he will love the child, but hate being a dad and regret it.
I'd say you need to separate and find partners who match your needs.

@formerbabe

Stupidest response I've ever seen on here

My husband doesn't want kids

Have you considered adoption?

I mean... seriously!

I know!

The only people I ever see suggesting “how about adoption” are never adoptive parents themselves, funny that!

@formerbabe exactly! Adopted children often have incredibly complex needs due to trauma, it’s not an easier option than having a biological child. This flippant attitude to adoption is so infuriating! This is likely a parent who has suggested it too...unreal.

I’m childfree but this loser has dicked you around for years, so if you “oopsed” him & got pregnant on the sly I would think serves him right for wasting so much of your time & lying for you for so long.

I know you wouldn’t do that to him, but letting you know as a child free person his attitude is absolutely shocking & this is very cruel to string you along this way.

Not sure he sounds that great really OP. He has waited until after marriage knowing the situation and sounds very petulant and as though he hopes to put you off or make it so it doesn't happen which is essentially manipulative.

That aside it is his choice and he has told you he doesn't want kids, and doesn't want to conceive a child and is essentially doing it so you don't leave him (but can't help himself but remind you of it). His feelings on wanting children are valid and I think it borders on patronising for you to decide that must be about childhood issues and think you know better than him, so wish to get him to counselling so he can see it as you see it. His decision is his own and it's been made by the sounds of it.

I wouldn't try for a baby with him in these circumstances, he doesn't want the child and I wouldn't go down the route of fantasising that it will all change when its born and he sees it/falls in love/is a changed man.

You can only make decisions based on what you have, not what you hope for but there is no evidence of.

He hasn't really been honest with you.
If he never wants kids then is that a dealbreaker?

Sorry, I posted too soon as I had to go and sort something.
It’s a really hard situation to be in and you have my sympathy. For some, the desire to have children is overwhelming. However, I believe that the want to not have children can probably be just as strong. It really is a situation where there is no middle ground.
I agree with others that I don’t think it’s a good idea to have children with your dh. That leaves you both in a really tricky situation that really can only be navigated through by the two of you. I think you need to talk completely and utterly honestly - including being honest to yourself (which can sometimes be the hardest part). Maybe some outside help could counsel you through this together? I don’t mean counselling to change his mind but to guide you through your next steps and help you both work out what is best.

You can ask him straight out if this is based on fear or if it's a positive choice and if he says it's based on fear, you can suggest counselling. The trouble is, if he does love you, I'd always be worried that he's saying what you want to hear. I don't think I'd trust any man who changed his mind about children.

That sounds harsh I know, but I changed my mind about having children purely because of the hormonal surge another pp talked about. Men don't really have that. I'd be worried that any commitment he now makes isn't strong enough.

I never put it like that.

Also, I dont want my own kids biologically but I would consider adopting one day. So if I feel that way, isnt it possible her husband might?

It sounds like their relationship has been stable and loving otherwise, so why assume it wouldn't be a suitable home? Assuming of course, he would consider it. Which he may not.

Adoption agencies work hard to find the appropriate home for each child. One that meets their needs and that of the parents adopting them.
If they arent suitable they would not be approved. Theres no harm in considering it.

I have been in the shoes of your DH and I went along with the “I’ll have one for you” despite not really wanting any. It has been such hard work for me to deal with and whilst I love them, I don’t really enjoy being a parent. Not only that, my wife then decided that she didn’t just want one but why not have another. We haven’t and now their is just a whole load of resentment in the relationship which if I am frank I think will end soon because of it.