It's been going on for years. Every time I think maybe it'll be different but it's not. I feel now like he's just taking the piss out of me, drinking and being vile, then pretending nothing happened. "Why are you making arguments again?", "That was at the weekend, why are you still going on about it?", "So and so drinks just as much as me, go and give them a row."
And when I try and put "rules" in place he tells me, literally, that he doesn't give a fuck.
I feel manipulated, lied to, like I don't know which way is up.
He'll say he loves me, but the level of spite / indifference / contempt when he turns away from me to open another can feels much more real than any love.
I wanted to write this down. I go round in circles with it. I just want him to choose me over the beer, but it's like I'm being unreasonable ("what more do you want from me?") to even expect such a thing. Why? Because I'm 50? Because I'm a nagging bitch?
I don't know anymore.