Trapped in a toxic mess with drinker in denial

[smokeorfire]

It's been going on for years. Every time I think maybe it'll be different but it's not. I feel now like he's just taking the piss out of me, drinking and being vile, then pretending nothing happened. "Why are you making arguments again?", "That was at the weekend, why are you still going on about it?", "So and so drinks just as much as me, go and give them a row."

And when I try and put "rules" in place he tells me, literally, that he doesn't give a fuck.

I feel manipulated, lied to, like I don't know which way is up.

He'll say he loves me, but the level of spite / indifference / contempt when he turns away from me to open another can feels much more real than any love.

I wanted to write this down. I go round in circles with it. I just want him to choose me over the beer, but it's like I'm being unreasonable ("what more do you want from me?") to even expect such a thing. Why? Because I'm 50? Because I'm a nagging bitch?

I don't know anymore.

Google Trauma Bonding. I read the term on here and it made perfect sense of a relationship I could never get my head round.

Prioritise your children. Starting now.

So call the police to explain the situation and have him removed, if he has been yelling at you and things have been broken this is now a violent situation.

Your children aren't physically present in the violent situation but you need the police to remove him so they can come home safely on friday with you having had a couple of days to sort things out once the police have removed him tomorrow for arguments sake.

This is ridiculous, you're a prisoner in your own home and he is making you complicit in keeping your children in an unsafe environment because he isn't going to be gone safely, with you having had the processing time and headspace to sort out the associated plan to keep him away, by Friday.

You’re fooling yourself OP. He won’t go on Friday, By the time Friday comes around he’ll pull out a sob story about not having anywhere to go and he’ll still be there on Saturday morning, and every single other morning until you pull up your big girl pants and kick him out.

You’re deferring OP. You’re putting it off because you know by Friday you’ll have lost your nerve.

What are you planning to do when he doesn’t go, and trust us, he won’t. Are you going to have a showdown with the police and have him removed?

No, you aren’t, and the kids will come back and he’ll still be sitting on his arse in your house, guzzling booze and behaving like a twat.

Pack his shit and get him gone, and if he doesn’t go then call the police. Why would you want to put it off any longer.

He is really showing his true evil colours now.

Stand firm OP. You are standing up for your children and they (and you) deserve it.

Call anyone you need for support. Call a friend, a neighbour - especially anyone who might be able to come over. Bonus points for anyone male (bet the toe-rag won't dare shout at you with another male person there). Call the police if you can. Seriously, they will want to know about this. It's your house and you have asked your alcoholic ex to leave and he is shouting and trying to intimidate you.

You have got the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to ask for help and support in this situation and anyone good-hearted will want to help you out.

If he kicks off call the police

I know his colours, he has shown them plenty of times. I am really trying not to fool myself. He has tried to get me to "stop arguing and come to bed". I've told him no. Door slammed.

He will go to work tomorrow. I have to work too, but will ask a hard-as-nails friend for his "presence" on Thursday / Friday.

I want him gone. Truly. And he will back himself into a corner where he will go, because he'll need to tell himself that he's "leaving" because I'm such a bitch that I chucked him out blah blah.

I feel pretty evil myself right now. Sorry, am doing nothing more than offloading here.

Please be careful OP, now is the riskiest time, he could become violent. Can you steel yourself and get him out now, call the police if you need to. Then you have a few days to get yourself together before the kids get home.

You are not evil. I know this is hard, but when he's gone, a few months down the line, your life will be so so much better. I promise you.

OP, good to see you've got the ball in motion.

Stay strong and just remember there's no break up conversation to be had here. Don't get drawn into the type of arguments that make you feel like you've been thrown in a spin drier. Use the broken record technique: "It's over, I want you out of my house and our lives."
"You're just being daft"
"You need to leave, I don't want you here anymore."
"I haven't got a job, where am I supposed to go."
"Not my problem, you need to leave."
"Look you're just upset, we'll talk tomorrow when you've calmed down."
"There's nothing to talk about. Please get your things and leave."
"You're being unreasonable."
"I want you out. Go or I will call the police."
Etc etc. Don't engage beyond stating what you want him to do. Don't engage in recriminations or react to any insults. Try and keep calm and just calmly repeat what you want. It will help you feel more in control too.

Once he's out, get those locks changed!

Hang in there, you can do this

Call your "hard as nails friend" now, and arrange for them to come tomorrow. While he is at work, pack his stuff. Have it by the door when he gets home. "By" Friday doesn't mean it has to wait till Friday. It is obvious that he has no intention of going.

I hope that I am wrong, and I don't mean to sound judgemental, but you sound like something in you is being fed by his behaviour at the moment, and the drama that it brings. It reminds me of someone I knew for whom any attention - however negative - somehow validated the relationship for her.

Are you willing to lose residency of your children over this man? Do you have a plan B for them if you don't get this man out of your house before Friday?

@gottastopeatingchocolate

Call your "hard as nails friend" now, and arrange for them to come tomorrow. While he is at work, pack his stuff. Have it by the door when he gets home. "By" Friday doesn't mean it has to wait till Friday. It is obvious that he has no intention of going.

I hope that I am wrong, and I don't mean to sound judgemental, but you sound like something in you is being fed by his behaviour at the moment, and the drama that it brings. It reminds me of someone I knew for whom any attention - however negative - somehow validated the relationship for her.

Are you willing to lose residency of your children over this man? Do you have a plan B for them if you don't get this man out of your house before Friday?

This is a really good post and has some questions that you need to think seriously about OP. Your responsibility is to your children. If you don't know for a fact that you will do whatever it takes tomorrow - including calling the police - to get him out then he isn't going to be gone by Friday ready for the kids to return to a safe and happy home. So you need to either have a rock solid plan to get him out tomorrow or a plan b for the kids to stay elsewhere longer. He's not going to go without a fight especially if he's so entitled he's asking you to come to bed and basically stop making a fuss. It sounded like glass was broken in your earlier post - was stuff thrown around?

@gottastopeatingchocolate, I have to work tomorrow, I can't not. But yes, the drama is a validation, I don't know how you understood that but it's true. He is a master at being completely indifferent, blanking and refusing to give me any attention (and a master at the very opposite, but not to me). I have to stop thinking about it (him), sends me crazy trying to stitch everything into some kind of sense.

But I will organise things so his stuff is packed on Thursday. I hope my friend will come for me.

No I will not and cannot lose my children. It is umimaginable. I want to make things better for them, for them to trust me and to feel safe, secure, relaxed and all those things a child should feel, most especially in their home. It is all too horrible.

@backseatcookers, nothing was thrown, no. The glass was in recycling box which is full of his empty bottles; I think that's what you're asking?

I'm sorry if I make no sense. But there is no violence and i honestly don't believe he"d go there.

Let the genie out of the bottle.

Tell people.

Then he knows it’s not just the usual cyclical kicking off dynamic between you.

Call his friend and a family member - tell them you need help - that he needs to leave your house ASAP - that he has a serious drink problem and they need to help him.

Then call your friends and tell them.

Once you have done this it becomes real. Send those texts - make those calls.

Get him gone tomorrow. Pack a bag for a few days. Change the locks. Leave the bag outside. Leave the rest outside at the end of the weekend.

Shine some light on it. Make it real. He likely will fuck off quicker with his tail between his legs if his family / friends get involved.

You’re taking lots of steps OP. Just keep going x

@Sssloou

Let the genie out of the bottle.

Tell people.

Then he knows it’s not just the usual cyclical kicking off dynamic between you.

Call his friend and a family member - tell them you need help - that he needs to leave your house ASAP - that he has a serious drink problem and they need to help him.

Then call your friends and tell them.

Once you have done this it becomes real. Send those texts - make those calls.

Get him gone tomorrow. Pack a bag for a few days. Change the locks. Leave the bag outside. Leave the rest outside at the end of the weekend.

Shine some light on it. Make it real. He likely will fuck off quicker with his tail between his legs if his family / friends get involved.

This is fantastic advice and something that I found helpful when leaving a toxic relationship. I told people what he had done and how scared I was, so staying with him could not possibly be an option anymore. It was hard but the more people I told, the more people said "oh god he was always a twat but we didn't want to meddle / we never liked him" and the more real it became. It also helped those people and real life take up some of the space in my head that he had managed to carve out and leave so little for me to concentrate on anything but him. In so many ways it's harder for you than me but you being a mum is a blessing - it means you HAVE to get this man out of your life. For their sake as much - it means you can have no excuses, no ifs ands or buts. This needs to stop so they can come home and be safe, happy, relaxed, enjoy their time with you and reconnect with you as toxicity like this puts barriers between you and people who aren't your partner.

He will never choose you, he will never change.
I've learnt this through a life of hard knocks.
Sorry OP, this is a shitty way for you to live.
You need to leave him and strike out on your own, your life is not over yet by far.

I just had to write to you because my mum is in such a similar relationship that my heart was actually in my throat reading this at first because I thought you were her and I felt sick.

Further details have revealed that you're not. But the situation sounds the same.
Her partner is a snappy, nasty, angry younger man whos set in his ways. He lives in her house and spends her money on crap and boys toys. All he wants is telly, drink and food. He also treats her like shit, taking her for granted and speaking to other women and refusing to improve things/communicate. She's enthralled by him but he's at best indifferent and at worst vile to her.

Myself and my younger sibling saw this for years and learnt to tread on eggshells around him and appease him/ stay out of his way too.

I will say, I was older, away at university so more sheltered from this mans moods and manners. I also had another example of my dad and his partner who have a lovely relationship (my dad likes a few beers or glasses of wine too but nothing comparable) probably for these reasons, my own relationship is with a wonderful, kind, generous, understanding, level headed man nothing like her partner who again, will have a few beers at home and get a bit merry at social events, but has never acted like her partner or he'd be gone.

But her partner without a doubt negatively affected my sibling who was living with them.

GET OUT. It doesnt matter that you're 50. You could be 70 and I'd say the same. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
NOT HAVING A MAN IS BETTER THAN HAVING THIS MAN.

Holding your hand op.

You're reminding me so much of my very dear friend, she is the loveliest person in the world but gets so frightened and then gets frozen in her awful relationship and it goes round and round. I'm so sorry this pain has worked it's way into your home.

It isnt easy at all. You're being strong, and with support and a bit of luck, that strength will last and he will be gone soon. We are all with you, standing with you. Xx

@smokeorfire I’m sorry you’re going through this hell. You’re so strong and I’ll bet the thought of having your children happy and safe is a massive motivator. I wish you the very best .
You say the “D”P is at work today? What’s stopping you from packing his bag while he’s out of the house and changing the locks? You say you have to work too but I’d put money on your employer being totally horrified if they knew your situation and would support you 100% in having some time off today to sort things out. A late start or an earlier finish to meet a locksmith is all you need. Sounds like today is a perfect opportunity.
Call me cynical but I suspect your “D”P would pull some cracker like “I think I’m getting Covid so you can’t kick me out on Friday.”
You’ve had such wonderful advice from other posters, OP; you can do this.

Look at you. Look how far you've come! I'm so proud of you. Yesterday you were wanting strategies to help get him to choose you over drink, to understand this situation. You were afraid to confront him.

Today you have confronted him. You've told him to leave. You're going to have his stuff packed by Thursday! WELL DONE. Now next step!! Tell your hard as nails friend you need their help, now (not on Friday but today). Take ssslou and backseat's fantastic advice to tell everyone you know. No woman is an island. Tell people, recruit them into your army of the rest of your life, make it real and make it happen.

I told you yesterday you could tell him to leave, and I said "you can do it". And you did! So now do this next step. You can do it - again!! And I will keep saying "you can do it" for every single one of the steps you are taking, and will take, until you wake up in just a few days and he will be blocked, stuff gone, and will never be in your life again

Hi, OP.

I see that you have to work today. I think I read that you work at home? So use your lunch time, or whatever time you can scrabble together to pack what you can for him. It's amazing how much you can do in a very short time. You can always send extra stuff on ahead of him.

No I will not and cannot lose my children. It is umimaginable That may not be your call. Try to look at the children's situation through other people's eyes. Act now, please.

We are here for the drama, if you need the validation right now. Don't look to him for that... it feeds the negative. Here there are people who will cheerlead you into a new life. As PP said, telling real life people would be a really positive step too.

PLEASE act today. Any excuses that put it off ill tomorrow/Friday are just that - excuses - and we can see through them. Put your children and your own welfare first, today. It isn't going to get any better, no matter how much you hang on. I'm sorry.

Thank you so so much. I am working all day today and really have to focus. My employers are not sympathetic and i honestly can't afford to piss them off. But there is no wavering, no excuses here, please believe me. I am keeping my children absolutely at the front of my thoughts.

OP there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are all rooting for you.

You told him he could stay until Friday on condition of no drinking in your house on those days, right? He has broken that condition already, yes? So, you would be strong not evil to put him out tonight.

B&Bs are open, he has friends he can find a place to stay. You don't have to pack all of his stuff first. You could pack what is effectively an overnight bag and tell him the rest will be on your doorstep waiting tomorrow evening.

I think you are underestimating the chances of him turning violent. He has always got his way with verbal nastiness. Physical violence is more likely than you think, I fear. That's a good reason to take him slightly by surprise, as in don't let him back in either tonight or tomorrow night. Have at least an overnight bag packed for him. Have you got door bolts you can slide across if you haven't changed locks?

Basically, at the moment he realises he is actually going to be forced out, you need to ensure either he has no physical access to you (locked door in between) or the big friend / police are standing beside you.

If he realises tonight or tomorrow while you and he are alone together then you are at high risk of getting beaten up. Alcoholics and abusive men are not rational. They will snap and attack.