Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've created a lose-lose situation

89 replies

groundrightdown · 02/08/2020 17:08

For far too long I've hoped my DH would get me a specific present for my birthday or Christmas but, as he never did, I decided I would tell him, well, he's not a mind reader.

So after Christmas came and went I told him that there is a specific thing I would really like him to get for me. And he said the would have never thought to get me that.

Fast forward a few months, he asked me what I want for my birthday... Sad He asked again and I reminded him, "I told you at Christmas time what I want". He wasn't very happy.

My birthday is next week. I'm 99% sure he has not got me anything yet. But now I feel like I've created a lose-lose situation. Either he does give me the present I've asked for, which he's doing under duress, or he doesn't, even though he knows it's what I want. So he'd be making a strong statement and steadfastly refusing.

I'm not sure what to do, or what I even possibly could do. Maybe I shouldn't have told him what I wanted but it's too late to do anything about that now. Anyway, it's out there now, it's up to him what he does with the information. He'll either get me the item I want, and I will appreciate that he considers my feelings or he gets me something else. And he'll probably expect me to act happy about it.

He could of course get me nothing but I don't think so. It's fine if he doesn't, better than getting me something I'm supposed to pretend to like. The thing I want is absolutely not expensive btw. That's not an issue. What would you do if you found yourself in this ridiculous corner?

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/08/2020 17:15

I would say, "Did you forget what I asked for after Christmas? Do you want a reminder?"

MikeUniformMike · 02/08/2020 17:17

What is the present?
Is it within budget?

You need t o say something like:

"What I would really like for my birthday is a burgundy leather Alexa bag from Mulberry (substitute gift of choice), please. They sell them in John Lewis, and I know it's a bit expensive, I would treasure it for ever."

Then send him the link, and watch him order it or you'll end up with a black Mikel Coarse one.

OhioOhioOhio · 02/08/2020 17:18

What else does he do? My bastard xh behaved like this, on purpose sabotaging small (and big) things I wanted to achieve.

AbbieFB · 02/08/2020 17:18

Why didn’t he look happy when you reminded him? Is there any reason he would object to buying the item you’ve asked for?

MikeUniformMike · 02/08/2020 17:18

Other gifts, shops and handbags are available.

Original poster
groundrightdown · 02/08/2020 17:18

Hi, thank you for your answer. I have already reminded him, so he does know. I told him about two weeks ago when he asked again.

OP posts:
Feelingpoorlysick · 02/08/2020 17:20

What's is the present you want?

I think it's strange he doesn't want to get you something that you've said you would like!

frazzledasarock · 02/08/2020 17:20

If he gets you something you don’t like return it and swap it for whatever you do want.

Could you in future either agree no presents so neither of you gets the other anything, or just small token gifts. Or you do gift lists and pick something from that.

MikeUniformMike · 02/08/2020 17:21

Often, people will buy you what they want to buy you, and it has no relevance to what you would like to receive.

Mumdiva99 · 02/08/2020 17:23

It depends on what it is. My husband wants and air fryer. Bloody ridiculous gadget cluttering up the cupboards and sides doing exactly what the over and grill already does. I won't buy it for him on principle..... Maybe your choice of gift is in that category in which case your oh isn't being unreasonable.

Letseatgrandma · 02/08/2020 17:23

@AbbieFB

Why didn’t he look happy when you reminded him? Is there any reason he would object to buying the item you’ve asked for?
This.

Is there a reason why he doesn’t want to buy this item-what is it? What sort of thing does he normally buy you?

Thesuzle · 02/08/2020 17:25

Did he “pull a face” the first time you mentioned it? Or only this time when you reminded him.
Really really want to know what the gift you want is, and what he does get you if not THE gift

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2020 17:27

I would ask him directly as to why he asks what you want, and then deliberately ignores it, knowing this will hurt your feelings.

Seems to me he goes out of his way to demean you.

draughtycatflap · 02/08/2020 17:28

Is it a lovingly hand-crafted ceramic penis beaker?

Original poster
groundrightdown · 02/08/2020 17:31

Mike, It's not an expensive thing at all. Seriously, you could get one for under £20 or a top of the line one wouldn't be more than £50/£60. He himself requested (and received) a birthday present of ~£350 in May.

Abbie, as for why he wouldn't want to get me this item... He'd probably say he'd be afraid he'd get it wrong. Ridiculous excuse. Ive told him any one I'd be delighted with. If my birthday passes without me unwrapping this specific gift from him I might just ask! "So, why didn't you get me (thing)?" But he might then feel he's being coerced into it. I've asked. If he refuses I don't want to move to begging.

Ohio, I have spoken to him in the past about not being supportive. Like I might say "I'd like to train to do X" and he'd pull a face and say "ooh, that's a bit hard. I can't do X either" (irrelevant) To be fair he has tried to take that on board but also I don't really share goals with him so much anymore.

OP posts:
InfiniteSheldon · 02/08/2020 17:32

If its an ternity ring you've spoilt it now even if you get it anything you should have bought yourself when he asked again.

RandomTree · 02/08/2020 17:32

Is there a back story here OP? It seems weird that he wouldn't buy something he knows you want? Is it expensive?

RandomTree · 02/08/2020 17:33

Sorry cross post.

OP, I don't understand how this is your fault in any way (as your thread title seems to imply).

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 17:34

Fuck that for a game of cards.. just go buy it for yourself... Happy Birthday Flowers

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 02/08/2020 17:35

Why the fuck did you spend £350 on him when he couldn't be arsed to buy you a £20-60 gift you really wanted?

backseatcookers · 02/08/2020 17:38

This just sounds like a shit relationship where both parties are unhappy. You expect him to fail and he doesn't really care if you think he does... why are uou together?

LemonTT · 02/08/2020 17:39

I don’t understand this. You must have some idea why he is reluctant to buy it. It clearly isn’t the price. Please just say so. Then you can get advice on how to address this with him

Waiting it out like a martyr to see if he thwarts you is game playing and childish.

MikeUniformMike · 02/08/2020 17:39

This is why I don't do presents.

I've done the bought requested present and got shite back too often.

AlternativePerspective · 02/08/2020 17:39

OP why won’t you say what it is? Is it because you know that it’s something emotive and you know that some people might agree with him?

E.g. if my DP told me he wanted a voucher to get a tattoo there is no way in hell I would be financing it. Personally I don’t like one, would never pay for one, and although it’s his decision if he got one, if he wanted it that much then I’d expect him to be the one who paid for it.

ravenmum · 02/08/2020 17:40

Say "If you haven't already got my present, I saw they have one for 20 quid in X shop that I really like the look of".
If he doesn't immediately reply "Oh, I've already got one" or "Great, I'll get it tomorrow", then say "You seem a bit unsure about buying it, are you not keen on the idea or what's wrong?"
Either that or "Actually, I've been thinking about it and I might get one as a birthday treat for myself. Just get me a nice bottle of vodka/bunch of flowers/book about divorce."

Is this stand-off actually about you being bossy and never satisfied with what he gives you, is that it? Is he making you out to be a bit bitchy? My exh used to do that. It's a sign that he's a shit.