I've created a lose-lose situation

[groundrightdown]

For far too long I've hoped my DH would get me a specific present for my birthday or Christmas but, as he never did, I decided I would tell him, well, he's not a mind reader.

So after Christmas came and went I told him that there is a specific thing I would really like him to get for me. And he said the would have never thought to get me that.

Fast forward a few months, he asked me what I want for my birthday... He asked again and I reminded him, "I told you at Christmas time what I want". He wasn't very happy.

My birthday is next week. I'm 99% sure he has not got me anything yet. But now I feel like I've created a lose-lose situation. Either he does give me the present I've asked for, which he's doing under duress, or he doesn't, even though he knows it's what I want. So he'd be making a strong statement and steadfastly refusing.

I'm not sure what to do, or what I even possibly could do. Maybe I shouldn't have told him what I wanted but it's too late to do anything about that now. Anyway, it's out there now, it's up to him what he does with the information. He'll either get me the item I want, and I will appreciate that he considers my feelings or he gets me something else. And he'll probably expect me to act happy about it.

He could of course get me nothing but I don't think so. It's fine if he doesn't, better than getting me something I'm supposed to pretend to like. The thing I want is absolutely not expensive btw. That's not an issue. What would you do if you found yourself in this ridiculous corner?

I might just ask! "So, why didn't you get me (thing)?" But he might then feel he's being coerced into it

Absolutely you should! It's not coercion. It's trying to understand what's going on in that weird old brain of his!

Is it a vibrator?

Yabu to have spent 350 on a thoughtless git...

I don't really understand why you don't just buy yourself the super secret special thing.

I definitely wouldn't buy him a £359 luxury gift for his next birthday/Christmas or whatever if he's not willing to buy what you ask for.

I might just ask "So, why didn't you get me (thing)?" But he might then feel he's being coerced into it. I've asked. If he refuses I don't want to move to begging.

But surely if he had forgotten the milk you wouldnt NOT mention it to him in case he felt coerced into getting the milk ?

In your shoes I would remind him again since you really want the item and if he doesnt get it then you can buy it yourself. And maybe revisit your present giving guidelines.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, will try to answer you all

@feelingpoorlysick I would agree! I've made it easy for him by telling him something I'd really like. Not expensive, not hard to source.

@frazzledasarock yes, thank you, some good ideas there.

@thesuzle the first time he just seemed a bit surprised, fair enough, it was the first time I said I'd like him to get me this.

@MikeuniformMike he's quite hit and miss with gifts but to give him his due he does usually try, even if he gets it wrong.

@Aquamarine1029 I did consider doing exactly this! But I ended up giving the shorter answer of "you know what I want, I told you at Christmas" without asking why he was pretending to have forgotten. It was during the day with the kids around so not the best time to get into it maybe.

@Mumdiva99 that's so funny! He actually wants an air fryer and it's me saying fine but do think where it's going to go!

@Letseatgrandma he does usually try to get thoughtful gifts, which I appreciate but does get it wrong sometimes like for my birthday two years ago he got me a watch. He thought I'd love it but I thought it was awful looking. So he did put the effort in, just missed the mark.

@28draughtycatflap not exactly

So you think he pretended to forget rather than actually having forgotten? Having forgotten would explain the not looking happy...?

Dh isn’t always very good at this sort of thing. If I want something specific, I send him photos and internet links and he’s taken dd to the shops to get them. Just text him “dh thought you may need a bit of help. I was thinking this and this”. Perhaps it is a confidence issue rather than a can’t be arsed one..

Sounds like a vibrator, I can’t imagine some DH’s not wanting to give this as a gift.

Sorry, I mean I can imagine some not wanting to give this 🙈

If he hasn't bought it then just buy it for yourself.

If it costs £20-60, and you could afford a gift for him of £350, I so not understand why you don't just buy yourself the item?

Thanks to everyone for the advice (not a vibrator). It was a good idea to get it off my chest and I now have a clear plan. There's only a few ways this can go. 1) DH comes through 2) DH gives me nothing or 3) he gives me something else.

Return the something else (if applicable), ask why he's refusing me the thing I want and implement some of @frazzledasarock 's ideas for the future.

Why are you making this so difficult for yourself and him. You want X- it’s not expensive- so just buy it. Then let him get whatever he wants to for your birthday. Or when he says what do you want- just say X please. Not a cryptic answer all passive aggressive about what he didn’t buy you for Xmas. Fucksake. Why does it have to be so hard?

Can’t you just buy it for yourself? Why wait and be disappointed each birthday/Christmas? It sounds very childish of you.

That's quite the drama, op.

If you can tell from his behaviour that he doesn't want to buy it, why not ask him now what is going on? Why do you have to guess his plans anyway? Are both of you dreadful communicators, is this some kind of passive-aggressive fight, or what is going on?

Struggling to understand all the to'ing and fro'ing with this tbh. If I wanted something I'd either ask my OH for it if it was on the run up to Xmas or my birthday or I'd buy it myself...why do you need to be given it? Presents really aren't a big deal in our house - I rather choose mine

Tell us what it is!!!

Why doesn't he want to buy you it?

Just tell us what it is, fgs.

And if it's not particularly expensive, why don't you buy it for yourself? Why is it important he buys it for you?

The whole thing sounds exhaustingly tense. Lose-lose situation?? Seriously?

Shamelessly placemarking in the vain hope of finding out what the "thing" is.

Well if he doesn't get it, although disappointing, you could at least justify buying it as well as what he gives you considering what you spent on him last time!

he was happy to tell you exactly what he wanted- and it cost £350.
he is NOT happy about you being specific about what you'd like even though it's £20!
Being specific something actually makes gift buying so much easier and you can't get it wrong.....he's full of excuses....it's almost as though he doesn't truly want you to enjoy your gifts..........