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Original poster

I've created a lose-lose situation

89 replies

groundrightdown · 02/08/2020 17:08

For far too long I've hoped my DH would get me a specific present for my birthday or Christmas but, as he never did, I decided I would tell him, well, he's not a mind reader.

So after Christmas came and went I told him that there is a specific thing I would really like him to get for me. And he said the would have never thought to get me that.

Fast forward a few months, he asked me what I want for my birthday... Sad He asked again and I reminded him, "I told you at Christmas time what I want". He wasn't very happy.

My birthday is next week. I'm 99% sure he has not got me anything yet. But now I feel like I've created a lose-lose situation. Either he does give me the present I've asked for, which he's doing under duress, or he doesn't, even though he knows it's what I want. So he'd be making a strong statement and steadfastly refusing.

I'm not sure what to do, or what I even possibly could do. Maybe I shouldn't have told him what I wanted but it's too late to do anything about that now. Anyway, it's out there now, it's up to him what he does with the information. He'll either get me the item I want, and I will appreciate that he considers my feelings or he gets me something else. And he'll probably expect me to act happy about it.

He could of course get me nothing but I don't think so. It's fine if he doesn't, better than getting me something I'm supposed to pretend to like. The thing I want is absolutely not expensive btw. That's not an issue. What would you do if you found yourself in this ridiculous corner?

OP posts:
ChelseaCat · 02/08/2020 19:20

OP is there a reason you won’t say what ‘it’ is?

Iooselipssinkships · 02/08/2020 19:25

Just buy it for yourself instead of turning it into some game. It really doesn't need to be as complicated as both you and your husband are making it.

binkyblinky · 02/08/2020 19:33

@Mumdiva99 air friers are amazing!

AvoidingRealHumans · 02/08/2020 19:34

I would have bought it for myself by now.

fatgirlslimmer · 02/08/2020 19:37

I’m in the buy it for yourself category and don’t spend £350 on him.

Arrivederla · 02/08/2020 19:45

You are massively overthinking this op.

Tell him again in clear and simple language what you want. If he feels coerced too bad - he should have bought the bloody thing when you first asked!

VeeDubber · 02/08/2020 19:52

It really sounds like you've created this weird dynamic and you're actually enjoying it - like you're enjoying deliberately setting him up to fail... if he gets the £20 thing will it be 'enough', if he spends the max amount will you be moaning that you didn't want him to spend that much and the cheapest one would have done just fine.

I also think you're enjoying the mini drama on here of dragging this out with people trying to guess what "it" is.

FFS just send him a link to the exact item you want and say "this is the one I'd like for my birthday please. If you don't want to buy it for me, let me know so I can buy it for myself this week". Or is that just too easy for you?

backseatcookers · 02/08/2020 19:58

@VeeDubber

It really sounds like you've created this weird dynamic and you're actually enjoying it - like you're enjoying deliberately setting him up to fail... if he gets the £20 thing will it be 'enough', if he spends the max amount will you be moaning that you didn't want him to spend that much and the cheapest one would have done just fine.

I also think you're enjoying the mini drama on here of dragging this out with people trying to guess what "it" is.

FFS just send him a link to the exact item you want and say "this is the one I'd like for my birthday please. If you don't want to buy it for me, let me know so I can buy it for myself this week". Or is that just too easy for you?

It does feel a bit like this I'm afraid OP.
InTheWings · 02/08/2020 20:06

If he doesn’t get this for you, win win:
You get whatever he does choose for you AND you can just go out and get this item that you want!

He might be asking if there is anything more expensive that you fancy.

Kaiserin · 02/08/2020 20:07

Talk with him. Seriously. Who do you love more, him or the present? You think he's not keen. Ask him, gently, if that's actually the case, and if so what the problem is. Try and see his viewpoint. Then decide if that's the hill you want to die on, or suggest another present that he'd be happy getting you (doesn't even have to be a money present, could be breakfast in bed) and buy the thing you wanted yourself.
What do you value more: things or people? And is money or things truly the best way to express love?

SoulofanAggron · 02/08/2020 20:13

If he deliberately doesn't buy you the reasonably priced item that he knows you want for your birthday, I would think he was a bit of an arse.

Arrivederla · 02/08/2020 20:16

@Kaiserin

Talk with him. Seriously. Who do you love more, him or the present? You think he's not keen. Ask him, gently, if that's actually the case, and if so what the problem is. Try and see his viewpoint. Then decide if that's the hill you want to die on, or suggest another present that he'd be happy getting you (doesn't even have to be a money present, could be breakfast in bed) and buy the thing you wanted yourself. What do you value more: things or people? And is money or things truly the best way to express love?
What a load of rubbish! Why does her present have to be something he is happy with getting? Confused
diddl · 02/08/2020 20:33

"I also think you're enjoying the mini drama on here of dragging this out with people trying to guess what "it" is."

Well Op hasn't asked them to, has she?

Surely it isn't important?

amillionwishes · 02/08/2020 20:45

Just buy it for yourself?

I genuinely don't understand what's going on here Confused

People struggle to buy me gifts because if I want something I I buy it for myself. My kids make lists because they don't have their own income but unless it's something extravagant that you can only justify as a present (which it isn't) then just gift yourself and enjoy your birthday!

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfthigh · 02/08/2020 20:45

@VeeDubber

It really sounds like you've created this weird dynamic and you're actually enjoying it - like you're enjoying deliberately setting him up to fail... if he gets the £20 thing will it be 'enough', if he spends the max amount will you be moaning that you didn't want him to spend that much and the cheapest one would have done just fine.

I also think you're enjoying the mini drama on here of dragging this out with people trying to guess what "it" is.

FFS just send him a link to the exact item you want and say "this is the one I'd like for my birthday please. If you don't want to buy it for me, let me know so I can buy it for myself this week". Or is that just too easy for you?

VeeDubber's got it right, I think. You've made a situation where you can put him in the wrong whatever he does. Do you not like him generally? Or are there deeper issues in your relationship and this is the straw breaking the camel's back?
TeetotalKoala · 02/08/2020 20:54

Oh I don't have any more suggestions. I just want to know what the mystery item is.

TeetotalKoala · 02/08/2020 20:58

@VeeDubber

It really sounds like you've created this weird dynamic and you're actually enjoying it - like you're enjoying deliberately setting him up to fail... if he gets the £20 thing will it be 'enough', if he spends the max amount will you be moaning that you didn't want him to spend that much and the cheapest one would have done just fine.

I also think you're enjoying the mini drama on here of dragging this out with people trying to guess what "it" is.

FFS just send him a link to the exact item you want and say "this is the one I'd like for my birthday please. If you don't want to buy it for me, let me know so I can buy it for myself this week". Or is that just too easy for you?

But I do agree with the final paragraph of this! My DH is excellent at gifts in recent years. If you ask him, he'll tell you that he's always hot it exactly right, but that's because I spent many years telling him the exact thing I wanted, down to colour.

However, he still hasn't bought me something that I've wanted for many years. I reckon that's your mystery item. You want a laminator don't you?

ShellsandSand · 02/08/2020 21:08

If you tell us what it is, I'll buy you it GrinWine

backseatcookers · 02/08/2020 21:19

Do you want the present?

Do you want to prove a point?

Do you want to be in a healthy relationship?

I think the latter should be your priority and as you clearly aren't in one, the present and the point scoring won't make you happy.

The actual gift is a bit of a red herring, the fact the drama over a gift being this extreme is a bit ridiculous - and a sign it's over anyway.

Notcoolmum · 02/08/2020 21:56

Why have you made it into a test? There must be a bigger story here. Do you feel generally unappreciated by him? So the present has now become a symbol of how much he cares about you?

I find presents so difficult. Always have done from a child. I am embarrassed to receive them. Then I look ungrateful. I often place too much value on what the item means if it's from a partner. It's something I dislike about myself and would really like to change. I love buying and giving gifts and get a lot of pleasure from getting it right and getting something special for other people.

MrsBobDylan · 02/08/2020 22:08

My dh has just bought exactly the present I want for my birthday.

In fact, after I went to the shop to collect it, I have showed him his excellent purchase and thanked him profusely.

When I suggested I could open this present early he agreed and I have left him to buy me another present of his choosing. Sorted. I also buy my own flowers too which has been working very well for the last 20 years.

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfthigh · 03/08/2020 08:54

@MrsBobDylan

My dh has just bought exactly the present I want for my birthday.

In fact, after I went to the shop to collect it, I have showed him his excellent purchase and thanked him profusely.

When I suggested I could open this present early he agreed and I have left him to buy me another present of his choosing. Sorted. I also buy my own flowers too which has been working very well for the last 20 years.

This is how DH and I buy presents, too. It works very well.
summersolstice43 · 03/08/2020 09:05

If he doesn't buy you the present you so desperately want, why don't you buy it yourself? Is it something that needs to be bought as a gift by someone else? I know my ex asked me what I wanted for my birthday a few years back, I told him a specific charm I wanted for my Pandora bracelet. So the morning of my birthday arrives and not only did he get me the wrong charm but he'd also got it second hand and it was in a disgusting state. Things didn't last long after that.

litterbird · 03/08/2020 09:30

Gosh, I am exhausted just reading this drama. I feel there is something else going into play here. Are you happy in this marriage? It sounds like you are setting your husband up to make another mistake you can berate him with later. If you haven't sent a link to him so he can buy it online or sent him at least a picture so he knows what to buy then I am baffled at this thread. I am wondering what else goes on in your marriage that creates such high drama. I would just buy it myself then look for something that was £350, equal to what you spent on his present then send him the link to that......job done!

Brefugee · 03/08/2020 10:47

It's ridiculous. Either he gets it or he doesn't. If you think he might be worried about getting the wrong one send him a link to the thing online or give him a detailed description.

He could make you a voucher for one and you could go and get it together?

or he simply doesn't care to get you what you want. Either way you will know after your birthday and how to handle presents for him in future.