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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 02/08/2020 17:26

And he was the one issuing you with the ultimatum and you decided so he has no right now to complain now you’ve acted on it

unicornparty · 02/08/2020 17:26

Oh op. You've done the right thing asking him to leave. I feel for you. Hope you're ok.

AbbieFB · 02/08/2020 17:26

Even when trying to placate you he’s telling you you’re wrong to feel the way you do. He is totally dismissive of your feelings.

You’re not silly or over reacting.

2pinkginsplease · 02/08/2020 17:27

AFter 20 month she you are still playing second fiddle to his ex wife.
I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t back me up and preferred to keep his ex happy over me.

Of course his children are his priority but she isn’t part of his family anymore and this just makes them look like they aren’t playing happy families, I’d ask him to leave, he should be standing up for you and his relationship l

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2020 17:27

He had been telling you that he cannot stand up to his ex and that he’s not allowed to introduce the girls to you. I don’t believe this at all. He’s coming over as quite a strong character, dictating to you, drawing red lines and gaslighting. I suspect as others that he still holds a torch for his ex and there is a lot of unfinished business between them. Sadly I think he was using you to fill in time. Well done for calling time on this. Flowers

Original poster
Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 17:27

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.

OP posts:
Lollypop4 · 02/08/2020 17:29

What an arsehole! I'd be really unhappy with that and would def kick him out!

Wherearemymarbles · 02/08/2020 17:30

He doesn't love you, he is still in love with his ex. He has to put his kids 1st of course and his family are under no obligation to invite you but he is dancing to his ex’s tune.

He strikes me as a pathetic little man - and what could be less sexy than that?

Get rid, you will be second fiddle to his ex for years to come

FourDecades · 02/08/2020 17:30

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’ve parked up and read your replies. He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.
He's now realised that you are serious and his threat of breaking up has become a reality.

He is panicking that he'll lose his easy life living at yours.

He has shown no understanding of how you feel. Instead he has just gas lighted you to feel like the one in the wrong...which you're not.

A true relationship would be acknowledging each others feelings and opinions.....and he is riding rough shod over yours

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 17:30

You’re not worthless. You’ve just proved what a strong, gutsy woman you are. I’m in awe of you handing him over to your brother. Hold on to that anger and hold your nerve. Block him and please, please don’t let him worm his way back again.

CaveMum · 02/08/2020 17:30

Well done OP, you’ve done the right thing - you deserve so much more. Good idea to ask your brother to go round, just make sure that he gets the keys from him and tells him that if he leaves anything behind all communication re collection is to go through your brother and not you. Then you can block his number and all social media.

ArtemisBean · 02/08/2020 17:31

OP you are SO not worthless. The world is full of selfish idiots who think the world revolves around them. You only need NICE people in your life. He's not one of them. Also, your brother sounds awesome. Go Bibbity's Bro!!

DeRigueurMortis · 02/08/2020 17:31

Sorry to hear it's come this OP.

That said I think you had to call time on this after his "like it or lump it" and worst his gaslighting.

Better to know now than when you've invested more time in this very one sided
relationship.

Thanks
lockdownalli · 02/08/2020 17:31

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.
That's the spirit! Honestly OP you won't look back on this with regret that you split, you will just feel relief and wonder how you tolerate his shit for so long. Flowers Wine

You are absolutely not worthless. He's a saddo who is still enmeshed with the wife who cheated on him. Remember she doesn't actually want him either.

SunshineCake · 02/08/2020 17:32

Thank goodness for your brother. Hope it goes okay.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/08/2020 17:32

Make damn sure your brother keeps an eye on what he's taking.

Gaslighting little shit.

No it's not the same.

Not it's not ok.

Nobody would think it was.

Nice try, weasel.

You've done exactly the right thing. It's one thing to negotiate a new relationship and support a perhaps not very forthright partner in drawing their new boundaries. It's quite another to be shat on from a great height by said partner so that he can either a. suck up to his ex or b. fail to stand up to her.

He's not a keeper. Glad you've got shot.

toobusytothink · 02/08/2020 17:33

Wow well done. You may feel devastated and furious but please don’t feel worthless! You are fantastic and deserve someone who will treat you like a million dollars and respect your feelings and want to involve you in every part of his life. He has split up with his ex and now should be embracing a new chapter - with his kids on his own and with you and one day soon with you and his kids. Absolutely stay friendly with the mother of the kids, but it only needs to be to discuss the kids etc. Otherwise he should be building a new life with you and getting excited about it. He clearly isn’t and has made it clear that this isn’t going to change so he can f right off

lockdownalli · 02/08/2020 17:34

Oh yes, and as PP have said do block him on everything.

Onward and upwards.

OhCaptain · 02/08/2020 17:34

You have 100% done right. You are NOT worthless.

Funny how he was threatening to dump you if you didn’t fall in line and now you’re overreacting by ending it, isn’t it?

Men like this are textbook. Snivelling little cock lodgers that they are.

Can you afford to stay there alone?

AbbieFB · 02/08/2020 17:34

Be proud of yourself.

He has treated you poorly and you have taken decisive action. You’re courageous not worthless.

Brieminewine · 02/08/2020 17:37

Good for you! You’re worth so much more!

JessCat75 · 02/08/2020 17:37

I'd tell him to fuck right off, there's no way I'd put up with that, love him or not, if he was desperate to hold on to this relationship he would compromise for you, his girls would get over their divorced Mum and Dad not sharing a room together with them, what a twat. I'm angry for you OP

Tappering · 02/08/2020 17:38

What a spineless dickhead. Funny how his starting position was to threaten you by saying that it would be a 'big problem' for him if you didn't put up and shut up. When you've told him you aren't going to 'lump up', he's now trying to backtrack by saying you're over-reacting, because he doesn't want to get thrown out!

MadCattery · 02/08/2020 17:38

You feel devastated and worthless? You should feel proud and empowered. You are so clever to have gotten out of this relationship on your terms and absolutely a genius for listening carefully to that voice inside your head. You are not worthless! He didn’t appreciate your value, but you do. And we all can see it, too.

Soontobe60 · 02/08/2020 17:39

Sorry, but he'd be my ex dp if he tried to do that to me. First, there's no reason why you shouldn't be going. Second, him sharing a room with his ex will send totally the wrong message to his children, they will assume he's getting back with her. If his family think this is an ok thing to do then they are also shits.
You need to have some self respect and get rid. Don't let him retreat you like this.