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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/08/2020 17:39

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.
Perfect. 🎉
TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 17:39

Wow! fantastic OP! YOU aren't the worthless one here. Brill you have your Bro & co to help take the trash out.

Yes very telling it was his way or the highway when he thought HE was calling the shots.

kerosene20 · 02/08/2020 17:40

OP you’re awesome! I’m so pleased you have the self respect and self worth to tell him to go. His behaviour is despicable, what a spineless twat!! I dated someone with kids years ago and he was an expert gaslighter! Please know you’ve done the right thing x

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 17:40

great news OP.. and I hope your brother tells him to stay the hell away... Flowers

PicklePig31 · 02/08/2020 17:41

@Bibbitybobbottyboo if you want to know why you need to leave, read and reread all of the replies to your OP. Every single person is saying the same thing - this is not acceptable and he won’t change.

I’m glad you have your brother helping him to move out and I can understand exactly how you feel right now, sick to the stomach, confused etc BUT nothing that won’t heal given time. Take care of yourself, cut contact with him and move yourself forwards.

Sending you lots of love Flowers, you’ve done the right thing and you need to feel proud of that xxx

MotherofTerriers · 02/08/2020 17:41

You are not worthless OP, you are worth someone who treats you a million times better than this
He said like it or lump it, he said accept it or your relationship is over, and now he doesn't like it when you've set a boundary
He accepted your being excluded, and expected you to put up with it, even though he never bothered to have a conversation with you about it. This won't ever get better, I know it hurts now but you will meet someone who makes you a priority. Yes children come first, but ex's don't

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/08/2020 17:44

Perfect, well done!

Don't expect him to admit you're being reasonable at any point...

Soontobe60 · 02/08/2020 17:44

You are strong, brave and resilient. He does not deserve you and you certainly deserve better than him. He's not putting his girls first, he's putting himself first.
He may well try to persuade you that it's your jealousy that's cause the problems, but he's given you no reason to trust him by the choices he's made.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/08/2020 17:45

... Unless it's to try to get his meal ticket back...

ChristmasFluff · 02/08/2020 17:46

OP, this isn't about your worth. You have shown yourself to be a person of strength and integrity in ending this relationship.

This is about his lack of character and empathy, with a side-order of manipulation. As others have all said, you are well-rid of this man.

Don't weaken - cry, and be sad, but don't ever, ever take him back. And then realise what a huge bullet you have dodged. He'd still be pulling these sorts of stunts when his 'girls' were in their 30s, I'm sure.

You deserve way better treatment than this

Inextremis · 02/08/2020 17:46

I think you're amazing - you have done the right thing - it is inconceivable that he thought it would be OK to share a room with his ex - and if anything that would confuse his kids more than anything - Mum and dad being divorced but still sharing a room, fergawdssake! You would have had years and years of this, always feeling second-best - it'll hurt for a while, but one day you will be so glad you took this decision. I' really admire you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2020 17:47

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.
That's a good decision, on many levels.

Telling your family that you've split both makes it 'real' and you'll have their emotional support.

Not replying to him takes the power from him, reduces his ability to gaslight you further (it absolutely WAS gaslighting, presenting this as normal and you at fault for saying no to it).

Your brother can ensure he leaves completely and he leaves now - no nipping back for something he left behind, no refusing to leave YOUR home.

"I love him and want to be with him, I hate the thought of him leaving. But I don’t want to be forever in this situation."
You loved the man you thought he was. He's now thoroughly proved that he is not that man. And the man he is would keep you in this situation. Forever.

He's a shit. And for as long as you are with him, he is keeping you away from a good man who will love and cherish you as you deserve to be loved and cherished.

((hug))

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 17:49

Christ OP.. this is a great conclusion.. I genuinely thought he was going to manipulate you into believing his behaviour was normal .. he's a prick and don't forget it... you will be okay OP .. you will Flowers

whiteroseredrose · 02/08/2020 17:49

I'm so sorry that you're upset but better now than years down the line when he's had longer to knock your self esteem.

spacepoppers · 02/08/2020 17:49

Bloody good on you OP. As previous poster said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
You are worth so much more, abs you will be happy again.
Block, delete, and move forward with your life. I reckon you've had a lucky escape there for what it's worth.

SeaToSki · 02/08/2020 17:50

He just doesnt like it that you stood up to him and said in clear and certain terms I am worth MORE than this.

It is the complete opposite of worthless. You are one strong woman OP.

You probably feel like shit right now, but that will pass. BUT you now wont spend the next x years continuing to feel like shit because your ex continued to treat you like shit

Floralnomad · 02/08/2020 17:50

You are doing exactly the right thing @Bibbitybobbottyboo well done .

Gogogadgetarms · 02/08/2020 17:50

and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex
In fairness he’s being quite clear about where his boundaries are. In a way I quite admire he’s decided what is right for his children and is sticking to it.
I appreciate this does you no favours OP and in your shoes I’d be hurt. Especially by his lack of care for your feelings. He has said there is no compromise. You need to decide if you are happy for your future ‘together’ to be him attending things with his daughters without you or with his ex. I wouldn’t.

wildcherries · 02/08/2020 17:53

You're not worthless, and the fact that his behaviour makes you feel like you are is another reason you've done the right thing ending the relationship.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 17:54

Yup, get his stuff packed,get him gone
On a practical level
Change house keys

buy a webcam for your house

Change bank pin

Get a new bank card with new cvs (if he knows your bank card details he can shop online without being in possession of card)

Block his access to your monies, did you have joint bank acc?
give him back any monies that are his

EL8888 · 02/08/2020 17:54

You have done the right thing, it’s not just what he wants to do (it’s odd by the way) but it’s the way he’s gone about it. I smell something dodgy. It sounds like your brother has your back and best interests at heart, unlike your ex.

binkyblinky · 02/08/2020 17:55

Be strong OP. You deserve to be equally loved in a relationship and this isn't happening. You'll hurt for now but it won't last forever x

ivfdreaming · 02/08/2020 17:55

Clearly he/she was using this wedding (and other family events) to play happy families since the marriage didn't really end on his terms if his ex wife cheated (even if he didn't want to get back with her it was a chance to be a family like they used to)

It's incredibly disrespectful to you. He should have fought for you to have relationship with the children since you've been together nearly 2 years and live together. He should have also insisted you come to the wedding even if you didn't attend the function but was at the hotel

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 17:55

Gogogadgetarms OP has, quite rightly, given him the boot.

In fairness he’s being quite clear about where his boundaries are

OP has found hers.

Scoobydoobydo · 02/08/2020 17:56

Of course his children should come first, but it would be nice if you came second😏

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